Category: Uncategorized

  • The Chair

    “The Chair,” the six-episode series written by actress/writer Amanda Peet and writer/academic Annie Julia Wyman, and produced by Game of Thrones duo David Benioff and D.B. Weiss, and Chair star Sandra Oh, has garnered much attention in recent weeks. Reviews mostly hailing the Netflix show as “brilliant,” “timely,” and “hilarious” have flooded the media. And the show’s release also lit up academic Twitter with a flurry of tweets that weighed in on what the series got right about academic life and what was left wanting in its depiction of the English department at Pembroke, the fictional college that provides the setting for the playing out of the culture wars on American college campuses today.

    The series deals specifically with challenges faced by Dr. Ji-Yoon Kim (Sandra Oh), the newly named Chair of the Pembroke English Department––challenges made still more intense due to Kim’s status as a first-ever-woman of color to hold the position. Within a hierarchy held in place by Dean Paul Larson (David Marsh), woke students and junior professors, and their more antiquated counterparts called “dinosaurs,” play out their opposing roles on a stage defined by the elusiveness of tenure for women of color, the lack of faculty diversity, gendered salary discrepancies, competing teaching philosophies, and a dwindling enrollment. All that is missing at Pembroke is a cadre of poorly paid adjuncts and graduate student instructors who stand in for more costly tenure-line professors, and whose labor currently makes up more than 60% of the teaching in real humanities departments in the US.

    The story unfolds in a plot that develops around three of Kim’s main challenges as Chair. The first: to bring Pembroke into the 21st century in terms of diversity and feminism by supporting Black Americanist assistant professor, Yaz McKay (Nana Mensah), during her run-up to tenure. Part of Kim’s plan involves suggesting that McKay co-teach Moby Dick with Melville scholar (and dinosaur), Eliot Rentz (Bob Balaban), rather than offer her own popular and heavily enrolled course, “Sex and the Novel.” Kim’s reasoning is that making such a change would most immediately solve the department’s enrollment issues by filling vacant seats in Rentz’ course with McKay’s overflow of students. Kim’s suggestion is also motivated by the hopes that it will also create a forum in which McKay can show off her talents as a teacher and her grasp of contemporary critical theory to Rentz, who is, it turns out, the head of her departmental tenure committee.  But though it is McKay who brings the students to the classroom, in Rentz’s mind it is he who is the serious scholar, and he quickly relegates his younger colleague to the level of a paper-distributing teaching assistant, as McKay had predicted he would.

    The inevitable complexity of this strange-bedfellows merger isn’t the sole cause of Kim’s defeat in her struggle to bring the department into the 21st century. Her plan to select McKay for the year’s Distinguished Lecturer Award is soon derailed by Dean Larson, who, seeking to appeal to alumni and donors, instead taps celebrity and former Yale ABD Beckett scholar, David Duchovny (played by himself), for the honor––though he had left the profession 30 years ago. Though Kim does manage to convince Duchovny to withdraw his candidacy, she doesn’t do it quite fast enough to head off a job offer from Yale to McKay, an offer which comes with the promise of an endowed chair, an expedited tenure process, and a hefty salary. McKay, of course, considers the offer, accusing Kim of abandoning her mission to diversify the faculty by kowtowing to an antiquated academic structure and value system.

    Kim’s second and central challenge as the new Chair arises from her dealings with the charming and popular professor, Bill Dobson (Jay Duplass), who after arriving late and quite hung over for the semester’s first meeting of his course, “The Death of Modernism,” performed a cocky mock Seig Heil gesture while defining fascism as a cause for modernism’s demise. His students, with cell phones at the ready, snap photos of him in mid-gesture. Eager to identify a scapegoat and to publicize Dobson’s faux pas (in a way that seems ironic in their quasi-fascistic use of PC language and behavior), they cast him as an anti-Semite in the memes they create on the spot and post on social media even before the class has ended. Predictably, “No Nazis at Pembroke” protests break out immediately among students. This terrifies the Dean, the board, and the donors, already worried about low enrollments and thus more attentive to student discontent. Make a public apology, they tell Dobson, or lose your job. But–and here’s the rub–it isn’t enough for the students that he apologize for offending them. He must apologize for being a Nazi, or minimally, for being anti-Semitic. Enter Cancel Culture at Pembroke!

    Seeing both accusations as unfounded and untrue, Dobson resists the demand for apology, and thereby puts his job in jeopardy. Doing so, he compromises the legitimacy of his colleague and current boss, Kim, whose advice to Dobson’s TA—to not answer any questions from reporters–comes off as a gag order issued in an attempted cover-up.  Ironically, all her efforts to stave off notoriety gets her is a front-page cover-photo and an above-the-fold story in the campus newspaper.

    As if that weren’t enough, Kim’s difficulties as a first woman of color in her position are further complicated by her private life as a single mother of a smart, charming, but rather difficult adopted daughter, Juju (Every Carganilla). The Chair’s depiction of Kim’s work/life balance signals the stress that working mothers face when childcare is not provided by the university, babysitters outside the workplace are in short supply, and parents must depend on resistant grandparents and/or friends to watch their children, sometimes with no advance notice.

    Kim is faced with the additional stress of her unresolved romantic relationship with Dobson, former peer, former boss, and current subordinate. Recently widowed, he assuages his pain by self-medicating with every drug and drink known to man in an attempt to “get his shit together.” In the meantime, Dobson’s antics compromise Kim’s need to maintain professionalism with the Dean and impartiality with department members.

    And this series is supposed to be funny? 

    Well, in fact, it is funny. Very funny. Aside from the humor sparked by the show’s realistic treatment of academic politics, Kim’s personal relationship with Dobson often plays out like a zany rom com. The show highlights their undeniable chemistry and the banter that attests to their clear enjoyment of one another, even through their mighty disagreements. Similarly, Kim’s struggles with Juju, who terrorizes babysitters, befuddles teachers, and worries her amused, though understandably exhausted mother, often spark guffaws.

    But the heartiest laughs are prompted by Kim’s third challenge—her attempt to locate a proper workspace for the tenured medievalist professor, Joan Hambling, brilliantly played by Holland Taylor. Hambling, a bawdy, outspoken 70-year-old, has recently been moved to the basement of the Athletic Department, following an administrative decision to make room for young blood by inciting older professors to retire. Hambling’s attempts to be restored to an above-ground office by means of a Title IX claim, her burning of her negative student evaluations in a waste basket bonfire in her office, and her successful flirtatious conspiracy with a newly acquired IT buddy to “out” an outrageously ageist and misogynist “Rate my Professor” critic––are easily the most hilarious moments of the season.

    But as entertaining, heartwarming, and poignant as the series is, and as apt as its depiction of the mindsets, policies and politics of academia seem to be, I found the show to be nonetheless somewhat wanting. Or, perhaps, it’s better to say, I found myself wanting––for a bit more. As a former English professor in a respected university suffering from some of the same problems, the shock of recognition and the agony of the situation having been captured exactly as it unfolded in my experience, elicited not only my laughter but also my frustration. I found myself wishing the show had been bolder in its treatment of the complexity and sometimes thorny aspects of some of the behaviors it depicts. The question that remains for me is how the portrayal might have been done more effectively and more successfully.

    I’d been impressed with the way a comment by McKay added to the representation of her situation, and humorously, to the critique of racism in the department. However, I found myself longing for a more obvious denouncement of the students’ series of actions following Dobson’s ‘Heil Hitler’ joke and dismissal. The Chair’s writers did a splendid job in composing the zinger that McKay delivers, in which she points to the absurdity of Kim’s protection of Rentz, in his loss of stature, at the expense of his junior, Black woman colleague. “I can see why you feel sorry for him . . .  he only got to rule the profession for the last forty years,” she snaps. I applauded the critique of racism and cronyism of academe that the script levels in that comment. Unfortunately, however, there was no such challenge leveled at Dobson’s students’ own brand of absurd behavior in his class or at his town meeting beyond a straightforward depiction of the scenes.

    In today’s universities, when PC responses by students in English departments are so typical that neither guffaws, nor awareness of the absurdity of a situation are guaranteed responses for viewers, lampooning these normalized behaviors might require more work than the use of hyperbole. If critiques of students’ inability to either distinguish between a joke and a slur, or resist a questionable orthodoxy, are points “The Chair” is interested in promoting (though to what extent they are is perhaps still the question), the choice to include a critical or humorous visual or verbal response from an unconvinced onlooker could help. Perhaps a non-conformist student’s point that Dobson’s gesture was made while illustrating a link between fascism and absurdism would have offered a viewer an alternative to students’ certainty of Dobson’s commitment to Nazi politics and identity. Perhaps a student’s use of feminist theory for a humorous woke-on-woke critique of protestors’ misrepresentation of Dobson, could have provided a clearer critique of the students for putting a Nazi cap on his head in their memes. And, lastly, adding an awestruck professor to the group at the town meeting might have shed light on the consequences of not challenging what Anne Applebaum calls Modern mob justice techniques in her recent Atlantic article, “The New Puritans”––such as students chanting memorized lines in sync with each other and with their choreographed moves to insist on only one truth– that Dobson is a Nazi because it serves their purposes, and because they say so. There are never enough of such faculty members in real English Departments; but there is always at least one.

    And could that one be introduced in Season Two? 

    If not, the series could be wanting for a slightly more obvious satirical stance when it comes to the students, so as not to reproduce the fear provoked by cancel culture in the actual telling of this story.  As it stands, the series critiques the easy issues well—the ones with which most people agree. It succeeds at condemning ageism and coerced retirement, a lack of faculty diversity, the dreaded “Rate My Professor” website, gendered wage discrimination, and the lecture as valid pedagogy on its own.

    But, speaking of pedagogy, where was a critique of McKay’s? Unless there is a spoofing too vague to notice, I did not catch a satirical tone taken about her competence vs. her marketability. And the story could benefit from something more than incessant praise for her pedagogy, even considering her beyond rapturous response to the students’ theatrical performance of Moby Dick. I am a lover of using drama and the arts in the classroom, and engaging students in creating responses to comprehend and more easily relate to older literature especially. But, while the students are engaged and have ostensibly learned some things creating the pieces, the exercise cries out for a follow-up to that experience if it is to warrant applause. University students need to go further, and for them, this Hamiltonesque coverage of the novel is seriously wanting as it stands. Would Yale really be satisfied with this lightweight coverage of Moby Dick accompanied by neither necessary reflection nor discussion from its newly endowed chair, or is that question being deliberately–yet clearly too faintly–raised by the show’s writers? I found it hard to tell. The brief rack focus documentation of Rentz’s stunned reaction to McKay’s lesson was the sole response registered and could easily have been interpreted as an indictment of Rentz as the un-woke “dinosaur.”

    In addition to issues with her lesson plan, McKay’s demonstrated questioning style, designed for only the response she is after, is problematic without a critique clearer than the juxtaposition of her style with Kim’s open questions and subsequent brief discussion with her class in the final episode. McKay is hailed as brilliant by Kim on about five occasions over the six episodes. And reviewers across the board have also emphasized her brilliance, most likely echoing Kim’s fictional endorsement. But where is the brilliance evidenced in her teaching in the show– the one place we could have seen it?  Or are we meant to question her success based on alternative perspectives possibly running through viewers minds? – the idea that women of color currently enjoy an edge over white contenders in being hired or promoted in the academy– despite holdover statistics?  If so, we have been given no indication of that. All we know is that the writers provided the opening for a critique, and then didn’t take it up.

    That said, I do understand that the brevity of the series and the writers’ desire to be humorous as well as heady are reasons for not taking up extremely controversial political topics. That and the risk of being canceled themselves as racist, sexist, or anti-Semitic. Also, some possible real world opposing issues––complaints of “token” hirings and promotions and/or accusations of lowered requirements and expectations for women and minorities––are impossible to lampoon in today’s environment. This is true however clearly stated or masked such feelings may be on college campuses, or however appropriate they may be for a satirist focusing on campus wars. It is also difficult for creators to achieve a balance between representing a reality and including jibes to spoof that reality in the smartest way. This is especially true when the series is ongoing and when episodes are likely in development for future seasons, with opportunities for the inclusion of much that I am wanting for– to be introduced later. 

    I will admit, however, that I was encouraged that my desire for a stronger critique of complicated politics was partially fulfilled at the end of Episode Six. This occurred at the final hearing on Dobson’s fate, when his value to the English department is set in stark contrast to the committee’s concern for endowments and the college’s obsession with its latest US News and World Report rankings–concerns that only breathe life into cancel culture.  And, I was especially encouraged by the cautionary statement Kim made to the committee at the end of the hearing, following her decision not to vote for Dobson’s dismissal.

    “If you think Bill is a Nazi, by all means fire him,” she said. But, “firing Bill isn’t going to change the culture here or stop what’s going on out there.”

    In conclusion then, I find that I am willing to wait and see.  I am also optimistic that with a slightly clearer satirical tone to complement great storytelling, humor, a terrific cast, and a realistic commentary on university life and its current challenges on all sides, Season Two, and others that I expect to follow it, will be more satisfying.

    Therefore, re-engaged and curious, I am moved to follow up on Kim’s last cautionary statement with the question that it prompts. A question that may, in some way, guide successive episodes: 

    What will change the culture here at Pembroke––and beyond?

  • Thoughts on Masking

    Thoughts on Masking

    Art by Karen Green

    Learning To Breathe, Again . . .

    When you wear the mask, the mask becomes you 
    —Qiu Zialong1

    Where To Begin? February 2020. Snow turned ice-crystals are shredding my forehead as the wind whips currents sideways to undust the trees. I risk the last run of the day, ski mask pulled just over the nose so my own hot breath steams my goggles and obstructs the view. Later, in fireplace warmth of the lodge, the clots of ice/snow scratch at my cheeks, ears, stick in my hair. The steam starts dripping, runs down my face and into my mouth. The mask’s wool sticks to my lips. I have the urge to spit. I imagine a long shower, rivulets of warm water, a rainbow distils in the steam. For now, I start working my boot buckles.

    I see her out of the corner of my eye. 

    “Terribly cold,” she says, “why on earth did you keep skiing?”

    She sits. I stand.

    She stands to see eye to eye. What strikes me in this moment is that I can see myself in her glasses—my hair still damp-dripping just above her perfectly lined bright red lipstick.

    Suppose I say to you that she is no more than an irritation, a mosquito buzz of voice I’d like to swat away. I need to tell you she does not ski. She sits in the lodge, sips coffee in the morning and wine in the afternoon, newspaper in hand, waiting while her husband skis.

    “Oh, there’s Bob now. You two NEVER seem to tire. Gosh, how can you take this cold and all that snow?”

    You can write the rest of this conversation without me. “Hi, Bob.” “Yes, the powder off the backside is to die for.” “Good to see you.” “Always, of course.” Bob turns to Sam—an—th–a (emphasis on all the slobbering syllables) with a sigh.

    “We have the McCaslin’s party tonight. You coming this year?” Sam-an-th-a isn’t really asking. She is reminding me of her affiliation with the McCaslin’s wealth and influence.

    I let the question hang in the air. “Other plans,” I say with a cheery little curve on the “s.”

    I just need to say to you that I have worn what I perceive as masks of one type or another all my life to protect myself from a variety of invasions—snow turned ice, a woman who is insufferably boring and vain. Suppose I suggest that I do not consciously take off one mask to put on another, but I am aware of how a thin little coating shifts and shapes and repairs itself in moments, sometimes hardly visible; other times thick enough for me to feel the restriction on what I think is my face underneath. I worried when I was in high school and thought my little masking and unmasking were part of some illness that would soon be exposed, so I was quite relieved in our senior Philosophy class when I read in Nietzsche: “Every profound spirit needs a mask.”2

    I read it over and again. Then, in my adolescent angst, I fondled my worry beads and wrote poems devoted to little cul-de-sacs of confessions to find my-self but words were never good enough. I kept thinking that maybe Nietzsche meant one mask, and I seemed to have multiples. Maybe I had multiple personalities, like in Three Faces of Eve, and so forth. And then the worry, do I have a face? Or, is everything a mask and my repertoire of masks grows with my experiences, and they line up on a shelf where one grows into another and each morphs into new combining fragments with others and into new combinations ad infinitum, but none are the I of my searching?

    Suppose you read this as a confession. I am not certain I know the first face underneath all the smiles, brow curves, wrinkles, smiles, various curves of lip. Is there a first face that IS the essence of me? And, just as I write this I marvel at the idea, bald and beautiful, between the face creams, lip glosses, and the honey masks, that I am the only one who knows, as Winnicott recognized, that “feeling real”3 is really feeling alive, heart beating and the lungs taking in air. Learning to breathe comes with the recognition that the search for an identity is the real masking, that I am naturally a person of many faces, many masks, and the instability of identities makes me smile a crooked smile with an outloud laugh and this thought offers a sense of freedom that I do not need to be a twenty-four seven-day, year after year, soaked in some single-identity-type-of-person.

    Masks are freeing, are not coverings but porous and fluid and elastic shift-shaping metaphors to our performativity, our identities freed to breathe as a multiverse, unbounded-ness of selves over self. And I find myself hearing Leonard Cohen’s voice as he ventriloquizes through the voice of his bereaved narrator (another porousness of identities in Cohen and his narrator?). I leave this writing to find my copy of his novel Beautiful Losers (2011) and read again the longing of a narrator who re-searches for self-abandonment only to find: “It was a dance of masks and every mask was perfect because every mask was a real face and every face was a real mask so there was no mask and there was no face for there was but one dance in which there was but one mask but one true face which was the same and which was a thing without a name which changed and changed into itself over and over.”4

    And then, along came COVID.

    Late March 2020. I’m outside in a blizzard in one of those blue surgical-looking masks covering both chin and nose (a box arrived three days earlier with 30 masks, a block of precious pu-er tea and ten small bottles of hand sanitizer, from a student-friend in China who sent these supplies home with her friend in California who then mailed them to me with a note inside: “I know you have shortages and we have more than we need”). Masks as gifts; masks as provision; masks in scarcity. Hers was another one of the many boxes I wiped down with Clorox in these earliest days of COVID before we knew much about how the virus traveled. I had only one mask before her package arrived—one made in haste with left-over-red flannel with Oscar the Grouch faces from some first-grade art project with a grandchild. Ironic really, this box filled with what was abundant in China and scarce in the USA—three sealed packages with ten blue masks in each—like opening a treasure—none to be found even on Amazon in those early days. Masks out of stock. Masks free of political pollutants in what has now become a hostility-born virus that masks cannot deter. Masks from the matter-of-fact production lines of China, where a mask is a covering to protect the wearer and protect others. I write a quick thank you on WeChat that ends with a query: “How is your daughter? A swift reply. “Her first year at Berkeley was perfect until March and now they are all shut away in dorms. I tried to order masks from Amazon and none were available. I am sending to her by way of another friend.” Masks as contraband. I breathe in her generosity. I think of her finding ways to smuggle masks through suitcases from Beijing to LA and then placed into padded brown envelopes hand-addressed with 29 Forever stamps of the US flag pasted on (which right in this moment has no one-nation-unity), slipped into a mail slot—all as a gesture of care. I think of her daughter, 20 years old, in a dorm in Berkeley, far away from her family, receiving this same brown envelope with handwriting she doesn’t recognize and inside finds masks, tea, hand sanitizer from home. And, I am struck by this simple act that connects us across the miles.

    April 2020. I am spraying boxes (yes, again, and always now) from the local co-op, just delivered and left (no exchange of words or thank you or a box passing from one person’s arms into another’s). No visible human contact except for the brief wave of the hand in air just before it disappears into the truck. Me, a wave from the free hand that doesn’t hold the Clorox spray and cloth. I open the door and can almost see the invisible spiky crown on fuzz balls of protein that the virus encodes. I spray. Wait. Wipe. Spray. Ice crystals form on my face where the mask doesn’t cover, same feeling as with the more pleasant days of skiing where masking seems a simple gesture of protection. My glasses steam. I stop, pinch the nose piece tighter as our granddaughter waves from the street, leaves a bag on the rock wall, picks up one of the ten packets of masks from China. She blows kisses from this distance, and I laugh at her sequin covered mask with feathers for mustache. She has made masking her own. Belle of the masquerade ball, a glittering and feathered mask with oversized red lips painted on, an in-your-face-bold I will not let this virus get me down move. Oh, how the cultural images of masks come and the carnivalesque swirls in, like snow. And, I am back again thinking of the mountain, the masking, the snow but not, as I best remember, the woman Sam-an-th-a of the bright red lipstick.

    Summer and into Fall 2020. In this now-moment of masking, I see, day by day, little peels of my old masks sticking to the new-less-than-N-95 variety that I put on and take off constantly. And what has been exposed are the layers of one mask over others in this moment of mandate, recommendation, compliance, and resistance where masks have taken on masking of the personal, social, and political. There seems a suspicion that if you wear a mask the mask becomes you. George Orwell’s name has resurfaced in these days of seeming fear at losing efficacy, so I hear his words through the fog of unending resistances: “He wears a mask, and his face grows to fit it.”5 My first impulse is to condemn the “he” and “his,” but I’ve learned to wear these anachronisms and turn instead to argue against Orwell’s central point. Each of us is several, I want to tell him. We are present tenses, a profusion of selves, with our futures on the edges, waiting. Is the fear of COVID mask-covering-demands really the recognition that we are vulnerable, shape-shifting beings who can be invaded and controlled, and the mask is the metaphor for life out of our control? Maybe. Or not.

    Sam-an-th-a stares into the mirror. She raises her right index finger to her upper lip—traces center to right, stops where upper and lower lip join. “Pick your poison,” she whispers seemingly to herself. Gathered on the counter next to her are a stack of masks—knitted cotton in mauve, two-layered aquamarine-woven nylon, copper-threaded silk, designer masks from Dolce and Gabbana, Maskela, Carolina Herrera. All the loops make her ears protrude. She can’t bear the thought of wearing yet another one. Maybe text to cancel dinner plans? She feels the pressure of her own gaze on her face and puckers her lips as if to check it’s her image. Index finger traces again from right corner across the lower lip as if to smooth out its wrinkles, smooth the sharp edge between liner and lipstick. None of the masks suit her. She tries on a new one from Louis Vuitton—$480-of-all-flex, no-safety fame. She pushes at her ears as if to tame them. Not one is kind to the ears nor accentuates what Samantha has worked hard to cultivate as her face. Samantha is disappearing from four distinct slurring syllables into a not-distinguish-able from the crowd eyes, eyebrows, big ears. “It doesn’t become me,” she wipes the stack away with a sweep of her hand.

    I think of Marx and his articulation of the inseparable parts of a materialist history that center on the problematics of alienation and reification. Social masking and social characters are inseparable, and, in this moment of COVID we have cojoined the mask and the person. Expropriation—a reified mask, passed through COVID’s historical processes as carrier of alienated social capacities while ironically masking in or out a viral load. The mask is becoming a personification of a person/identities’ worth, roles and influence. Marx might remind us in this moment that the reification of persons exists in the personification of things (or masks in this case).6 And here we are exposed (another irony of masking) to masks personifying us. We become reified as a mask of vulnerabilities, facing a future we do not fully understand nor is in our control.

    “Look there,” our daughter gestures toward the river’s edge and the empty bench. “Let’s take a break.” We are biking on a trail in the Catskills. A rain-soaked green surgical mask hangs on a tree branch. Three more. Hanging, drenched, tattered. It’s then we notice a note, hand-painted on a little piece of wood nailed to the trunk: BreatheFree. I cannot find words or catch my breath. “Let’s just go,” she taps to my shoulder. We are walking away. I look back. I finger the mask in my shirt pocket before buckling my helmet. Compliance to helmets, to seat-belts, to vaccines —oh, little did I (re)cognize then what was to come—but here, in the woods beside a river near sunset, a mask-hanging bodes a future that in this moment eludes my most pessimistic crystal ball gazing.

    The Masked Face makes us wearer of the vulnerable, the less than powerful, the compliant-to-science, of (author)ity, marker of our frailties, an (un)becoming. Our tendencies toward generalization veer into stereotype—sheep, patriots, losers, conservative, liberal, socialist, communist. And, just so, the mask is imprinted onto our body as personification not only of our vulnerabilities but also as a stereotype of the type of persons we are. W.J.T. Mitchell calls a stereotype an invisible mask that is “painted or laminated directly onto the body of the living being and inscribed into the perceptual apparatus of a beholder.” [14]7 A few months ago I would have argued that Mitchell is speaking metaphorically. Perhaps, not so much now.

    Winter 2020 into a long 2021. “Whatever happened to masking for Halloween or Mardi Gras or carnival?” We are carrying bushel baskets of winter squash and potatoes from our root cellar stash into the local Food Bank. Our grandson stretches out the word car-ni-vaaaal as he opens the back door to the Community Center. All summer we brought baskets, twice a week, filled with tomatoes, cucumbers, broccoli, lettuces, cabbages, green beans, or herbs from the garden. We shared with those who never expected to stand in long lines to receive a box with bread, a little fresh produce, canned beans, and a bag of rice. Each time we’d leave the safety nest of our car, we masked. Masks are required here. I’ve come to recognize people by their masks or eyes and brows. Home-made masks, masks below the nose, blue-surgical, an occasional N-95 from a carpenter with residue of sawdust still on his boots. At the entrance, a nervous laugh from the mask-bouncer as a woman complains, “This is so fucked. Kiss these masks or my ass good-bye.” She does take the mask the bouncer dangles in front of her face. I watch as she hooks mask to ears and flips her peroxide spirals, both hands moving now, closed eyelids, a few sputtered and muttered complaints and huffs, as if taking in air before the mask inhales her breath. She has become one of the occasional outbursts, calling for de-masking, restrained in this moment where the reach of hunger supersedes the need to complain.

    Just what is it about masks and masking that surfaces brutality and wrath in the same spaces of generous sharing and support? Am I speaking of COVID masking now? “A mask tells us more than a face.” Today there is talk of people literally tearing masks off of someone else’s face, unmasking them, to remove what? A disguise? A compliant person? A sheep? A thief? This use of the word “mask,” in a figural way, is not far off from the original meaning, which, very generally, was considered to be anything that conceals or disguises the face. Is this a moment born on our long-term dysfunction, dis-ease—a moment worthy of witnessing—connected to our misrepresentations and belief in the singularity of the individual or identity and a worry that I lose my identity and freedom with a literal necessity-induced mask? Just as we head out the door, a man with his dog—he with the joker-flat-painted-mask and the pup with hand-painted super-dog on a snout-shield—riddles the air with a near sonic boom of laughter, “Mask up everybody. Phosphenes are alive and well. What have we to lose?” Suspended in the fluorescent light of the foyer, the dog’s muffled howl. A cascade of laughter bleaches the air free of tension, a relief, at least for a moment.

    The next and future part as disquiet grows? I write to a friend: “No collective idea can gain acceptance unless there is some carnival in it.” Maybe I mean without an essence of carnival in it. I go on: “I am grateful for the time with less motion to gain a little insight.” I don’t in fact mean this either. I am still trying to understand how I hinged collectivity and carnival and the role of laughter and transgression to this moment of illness, death, masking, division, and calls for retribution if others do not think or act as we do. Mostly I am thinking what is nearly impossible to express in words: that when all the mythologies are set aside, the stereotypes unraveled, desiring machines turned off, we will continue to grapple with what is possible—human animals trying to be more than animal, more than human, a leg up on everything and still defiant that we are the universe’s special project even when it tempts us to think otherwise.

    ______________________________________________

    [1] Qui Xiaolong (2011), Death of a Red Heroine, Soho Press, page. 66.
    [2] Friedrich Nietzsche (2014), Beyond Good and Evil. trans. Walter Kaufmann, Heritage. section 40.
    [3] D. H. Winnicott (1965).   The Maturational Processes and the Facilitating Environment Studies in the Theory of Emotional Development. New York: International Universities Press. p. 225
    [4] Leonard Cohen (2011). Beautiful Losers. New York: Vintage. p. 176.
    [5] George Orwell (1936), “Shooting An Elephant.” New Writing. Autumn 1936.
    [6] Karl Marx (1976). Capital, Volume I, trans. By Ben Fowkes, Penguin Books.
    [7] W. J. T. Mitchell (2005). What Do Pictures Want? The Lives and Loves of Images. Chicago: University of Chicago Press, pp. 295-296.
    [8] Oscar Wilde (1889). Pen, Pencil and Poison
  • Two Poems – Leah Umansky

    The Year of the Tyrant 

    Follows on the heels 
    Of a half-dozen passes. 
    It could easily stun 
    Any one. 
    It could easily scare 
    Away the would-be years 

    Whatever fresh claim, 
    Whatever new interpretation, 
    Is an amazing grace. 
    That titanic figure, 
    Invents interpretation, 
    But remember, we are articulate. 

    Am I making my point?

    Let’s assess his intrusion. 
    Every aspect of what comes close, 
    Is just his chosen narrative. 
    All of our cranked tendencies, 
    Are a cradle to the grave. 
    There is no closer deity 
    Then the devil before us. 
    This is not hyperbole. 

    We are standing up to the grand,  
    With shoehorns of hope, 
    And a future, 
    Created by claim. 

    We, the damned, 
    Are more concerned about the people 
    Selfless, unnerving,  
    We are not flawless, 
    And we are not  
    Always good-hearted, 
    But we are smart enough  
    To not dismiss the lies. 

    It is a true act of sorcery. 
    Or secrecy. 
    Only a tyrant insists he is right.  
    Only a tyrant reaches the wide 
    Without running, 
    And without speed, 
    Only to say his fall was measured 
    And planned, but don’t believe your eyes. 
    We are seeing this. 
    This glimpse into a reality unknown. 
    Praise what comes 
    Because the impossible is possible. 
    For only a tyrant feels they are praiseworthy 
    This is nothing new, 
    The year of the tyrant.

    Of Tyrant 2

    I heard the church choir 
    on West 71st street. 
    I felt: angels  
    & then, 
     

    despair.

    Put on a happy face, Darlin, 
    says a man  
    while I walk  
    with groceries in hand. 
    I glare 
    & I flare 
    then I sooth 
    my pocks & 
    my strays. 
    What do I have  
    to hold on to, 
    but hardness? 
    The constraints, 
    are open-mouthed 
    with squawk.  
    He is everywhere. 
    thumbing hate into Sunday.

  • The Clam Shell

    “Can anyone guess what caused this boulder to split in two?” Eduardo mumbled through clenched teeth as he rifled through his backpack. From his mouth, a poorly wrapped joint hung above the dusty earth below. 

    Our once pasty, now reddening faces turned from our pint-sized tour guide and toward the enormous halves, just centimeters apart from one another. 

    “Lightning?” I asked, eager to move on and find refuge from the relentless Bolivian sun. I had already endured enough pain in this desert.

    Eduardo did not acknowledge my response and only smiled to himself upon discovering the hot pink Bic he had been searching for.

    “Some Stone Age tool?” the now blistering, once handsome Swede beside me offered.

    “All good guesses, but no,” Eduardo replied absentmindedly. His attention was consumed by the spark-spitting lighter hidden behind his small, tanned hand. After a few more flicks, a weak flame emerged and grasped the tip of the joint. “The Clam Shell, that’s what this formation is called, was actually formed by rain.”

    We all stood in silence, staring up at the ten-foot-tall stone masses. Before any of us could reply, he took the joint from his lips and, holding it out before him like the hand of God, gestured towards someone in our group.  

    “Lauren, do you want a hit? It will help with the altitude sickness.”

    Lauren passed our wall of sunburnt flesh, strengthened by the idea of possible relief. Unlike the rest of us, the sun favored her skin. It gave her the appearance of someone in much better health.  She took the joint in her mouth and inhaled deeply.

    “But we’re in the desert,” she rebutted, smoke pouring from her lips. “How was there enough rain out here to break it in half?” 

    “It took millions of years and countless little droplets filling a microscopic crack at the top. It was gradual but then…. CRACK!” Eduardo proclaimed with a clap for dramatic effect.

    I glanced over at Lauren, both hopeful and scared that we might catch each other’s gaze. 

    ***

    I woke up on the night of my twenty-fifth birthday to the sound of unfamiliar laughter coming from another room. It took a moment to realize that I wasn’t in my own bed. I was on a couch in Sophia’s living room surrounded by empty prosecco bottles and frosting-coated paper plates. Across the room, a large suitcase lay open on the floor with its stretchy, polyester contents spilling out over the sides. The laughter stopped and was replaced by the sound of footsteps coming towards me. 

    The suitcase’s owner glided into the room with her golden blonde hair flowing behind her like a cape. She was beautiful in the way I imagined the president of a sorority might be. In high school, we would never have been friends.

    “Oh, you’re awake,” she said without enthusiasm. 

    “Yeah,” I replied before clearing my throat.  My voice was gravelly from too many cigarettes earlier in the night. “You’re Lauren, right? Nice to finally meet you.” 

    “Same. Sophia’s told me so much about you.”

    We smiled politely as our shared apathy filled the room. It was suffocating.

    “Okay, well I better head home,” I said, desperate to escape. “See you around and welcome to Chicago!”

    “Thanks. Night.”

    ***

    “Do you realize that today is our one-year anniversary?” I asked breathlessly as I tossed the last of the gold balloons into the pile at our feet. 

    “Jesus, that’s right,” Lauren replied. “Props to Sophia for forcing us to hang out.”

     “I still can’t believe you didn’t tell me that we had the same birthday last year.”

    Despite our rocky start, Lauren had evolved into something that had previously seemed impossible to secure as an adult: a best friend. After leaving New York, I had begun to feel like my loneliness was unsolvable. All my childhood friends had drifted away, and I hadn’t replaced them. I knew people, of course, but always from a respectful distance. I believed that children alone — being free of all the shame, pride, and fear of abandonment that comes with adulthood — could open up enough to get past a surface-level friendship. But Lauren didn’t have those hangups. She was fearless and always told you exactly what she was thinking. She proved I was wrong about people.

     “So, did you invite him to our party?” 

    “Yes, and don’t be a bitch. You know his name is Tyler,” she said, unafraid of sounding critical unless it related to her on-again, off-again, undefined, whatever he was.

    “I know, I know. I just don’t get his appeal.”

    “You don’t get the appeal of anyone unless they’re a pretentious foreigner,” she replied, driving her knife deep into a wound that still hadn’t healed. 

    “Sorry, you’re right,” I said, eager to smooth things over. “I wasn’t trying to be judg-y.” 

    I turned away, pretending to play with the floating two and six balloons behind me. I didn’t want her to see my tears eagerly lining up. I wasn’t over my ex, who had dumped me eight months prior. But that’s not what hurt. I was scared that she might leave me as well.

    ***

    “Happy twenty-seventh birthday!” I shouted into my phone. I held my screen close to my face, framing only what I wanted her to see. The sparse state of my unpacked room was too depressing to broadcast.

    Yesterday was our birthday.”

    “Okay, happy belated twenty-seventh birthday then!”

    As we had planned, we both lifted champagne flutes to our screens and cheers-ed but with differing levels of enthusiasm. Lauren was openly annoyed that I had forgotten to text her back on our actual birthdays, and I pretended nothing was wrong. 

    My sudden move back to New York the month prior had put a big strain on our already tense friendship. My continued hatred of her gym-rat boyfriend probably hadn’t helped. I would tell her that I didn’t trust Tyler and that he was beneath her. She told me I was projecting, that I was too proud to talk about the fact that I was still hung up on my ex. 

    Besides an occasional foray into the topic of weight loss, our conversations centered around those men. Gone were the days when we pored over travel blogs seeking out the best and cheapest way to get around Croatia, Belize, or Laos. Instead we stared at old texts from men who hurt us, endlessly dissecting them until they ceased to mean anything at all. Our relationship was like a television show a couple seasons past its prime. All the good jokes had been used up, the characters had become caricatures, and the writers had forgotten what the show was about in the first place. That was us.

    “So what did you end up doing for your birthday dinner?” I asked, trying to maneuver our conversation into a safe zone.   

    Before Lauren had a chance to respond, if she even wanted to, the scream of her buzzer halted our discussion. 

    “That’s Tyler. I should go.”

    ***

    Lauren and I were both living in New York by our twenty-eighth birthdays but we decided not to do a joint party. We had our own friend groups from past lives, and it felt like too big of a task to overlap them. If I’m being honest, I was happy with the arrangement. I didn’t care for her friends. I found them vain, boisterous, and generally overwhelming. They traveled as a herd, their heels echoing through the halls of impossible-to-get-into restaurants as they sipped their sixteen dollar cocktails purchased by boorish, former jocks. By contrast, my friends sported Birkenstocks and preferred spending their time in dark Greenpoint bars where Lauren felt out of place. To keep the peace, we made an unspoken pact to keep everyone on their own side of the Williamsburg Bridge.

    But I was happy Lauren was back in my life. Now that Tyler was no longer in the picture, it seemed possible to get back to where our friendship had been in the beginning. Maybe it was because we were both single again or because our futures felt unknown, but something was different. 

    “Should we do our birthday dinner on your side of the bridge or mine?” I asked the night before our private celebration. I felt like I already knew the answer. 

    “Meet in the middle?” Lauren replied through my speaker phone. 

    “Palma?!” we both shouted in unison before bursting into fits of laughter.

    Yeah, we were back in that honeymoon period.  Things were turning around. We had a chance to rebuild our foundation and throw away the messy combination of over-discussed and under-acknowledged topics that had been causing our friendship to rot away beneath the surface. 

    ***

    “How was your birthday?” I asked Lauren over squid ink pasta from the same Italian restaurant we had gone to the year prior. It was a few weeks past the actual date but this was our first chance to grab dinner since I’d gotten back from Mexico City. “Better than mine, I hope.”

    “It was good. Charles took me to dinner…. It’s really weird you didn’t tell me you were in the hospital.”

    “I didn’t tell anyone. There wasn’t anything for you to do. I had Montezuma’s Revenge. I didn’t want visitors at home or in the hospital.”

    “Noah was there… You could have at least said something. You were totally MIA. I thought you were backing out of our South America trip.” 

    My desire not to discuss my stomach issues wasn’t  a lie, but Lauren wasn’t wrong about my anxiety over our upcoming trip, either. We had booked our tickets three months prior when things weren’t as bad, but even then, a growing part of me feared that traveling to Bolivia and Chile together would be a big mistake. 

    ***

    After another twenty minutes discussing the Clam Shell, our tour group was in the car and back on the non-existent road. Despite my frequent motion-sickness, I opted to take the dreaded back row, a place where gravity seemed forever in flux, to get as far away from Lauren as possible. 

    “So how did you two wind up in Bolivia?” the handsome Swede asked, swiveling his head around to speak to me and gesturing towards Lauren as he did so. 

    “Uhh… Lauren and I planned the trip about six months ago,” I replied as quietly as I could. I knew that she wouldn’t want to hear her name coming out of my mouth. “I had suggested we come here for our birthdays, so we wound up splitting the trip instead of getting each other presents this year.”

    “It wasn’t your idea,” Lauren said from the front seat. Her face was pressed against the cold window to reduce her reemerging nausea. “I was the one that suggested we come to Bolivia and Patagonia”

    “Oh,” I replied, dumbfounded. Lauren had not spoken a word to me, or even joined a conversation I was apart of, in over twenty-four hours. “Yeah.”

    The conversation ended there. The Swede apparently decided that a moment of friendly banter with me was not worth being my middle row, human dam protecting me from the continuous flow of rage rushing my way. I didn’t blame him. No one wants to be casualty. 

     

    By the time Lauren and I had left Bolivia and arrived in Patagonia for the second leg of our trip, an onlooker might assume our situation had improved. In reality though, we were just exhausted. We had been worn down by the countless flights, the lack of showers, the endless flow of vomit, and the thought of spending one more moment with each other. 

    But it would be wrong to blame all of this on the trip. Our continental divide occurred far above the Southern Hemisphere. I knew it as we were boarding our flight from JFK. I kind of knew it when we booked the tickets. Our friendship had been replaced with a knock-off a long time ago. From the outside it looked like the real deal, but if someone had actually inspected the lining, anyone could tell something was off.

     

    Lauren and I immediately parted ways when we landed at JFK, opting to take separate lines at customs. There was no way we would survive an hour-long line together at 5AM. 

    By 5:05AM, I was fully submerged in the line and finally able to breathe. Despite spending the majority of the past twelve days outside exploring some of the most beautiful places that nature has to offer, I had been suffocating. Almost every day served me a mixture of feeling attacked, alone, at times genuinely scared for my life (not entirely because of Lauren but mostly), exhausted, and desperate to escape. By 6:15AM, I was waiting in line for a taxi and gulping in the fresh, New York air, thinking that the worst was over.  

    But then the following week brought a fresh, new type of pain; heartbreak. It finally occurred to me that I had lost one of my best friends. As it turns out, losing Lauren was a million times worse than any breakups I’d had with past boyfriends, even the ones I took forever to get over. And while this ending was harder than others, I did eventually get over it. Now, I can finally appreciate our relationship for what it was; a perfect birthday cake that came with an expiration date. I chose to ignore the date, so it’s on me for getting sick after it went sour, but damn did it taste great in the beginning.

    Anyways, our thirtieth birthday is coming up in two months. I know we won’t spend it together. I wonder if she’ll text me “Happy Birthday.” I don’t know, maybe I would text back if she did.

  • Three Poems – John Deming

    Chilled Fork

    The problem, she said, I mean
    the reason you have stress
     
    is that you still think your life
    matters. It’s adorable,
     
    but plenty vain. The broad universe
    will make some use of you
     
    no matter what you do, I mean—
    make you eternal like a plastic fork,
     
    but also, like everyone else now,
    tense as a chilled turnip, assimilated
     
    to the moment, the depths of the sky,
    maybe even the pin-tip marble of Mars.

      

    Low Cover

    Tonight the city brightens a low ceiling of clouds,
    caves of dark sky beyond them, and sporadically,
     
    the moon. A child is walked out of a brutal crime scene
    and instructed to cover her own eyes.
     
    Two regulars had wanted their scotches in hand by 4.
    They didn’t get’m until four fuckin fifteen. The bartender
     
    blames the MTA, but he’d been cutting it close.
    An overstuffed moving box is taped shut at a jagged angle,
     
    which is fine, it’s not going far. Low cover, they say,
    getting by. It’s time we put you on statins,
     
    the cardiologist says. There’s an Edison bulb buzzing
    in Frankenstein’s lab. The guy’s shins are overrun
     
    with psoriasis. He positions them in direct sunlight.
    The dermatologist says this helps. An evening’s anxiety
     
    gains currency, then gets drunk. After 25 years, the couple
    has no children. Now they kiss each other on the cheek.
     
    Some biker gives extra throttle when his light changes
    and earns the intended effect—everyone in earshot shivers.
     
     

    Flat Earther in Repose

    Panic! Resolution. Each attempt flails a little more
    as each new year forms a smaller percentage of the whole, 
     
    three fingers on each temple pressing hair and brain
    before the day’s invincible slide into dread— 
     
    then you’re wiser, and you’re back, really back,
    something has settled for a while. Weeks pass,
     
    and the soundless whisper resumes, bright noon
    pulling your shirt by the neck, and dust motes
     
    have floated freely the whole time, revealed in a beam of—
    you are alone and night has barely started, is watching.
     
    Look into this until a great reprimand plies you with devotion,
    the earth you’ve dragged slotted in one shelf of sand
     
    so far beneath you it touches another sky, released
    into sudden and brief gratitude that a thing buried so deep
     
    reverses its roots, seeks the sun from a new angle, submits
    until old, lingering love fuels the sticks of a lamplit shrub.
     
  • Two Poems – Taylor Devlin

    Two Poems – Taylor Devlin

    Gorgons

     

    I have lived amongst creatures, delicate

    yet hard as teeth. Honey and milk seeping

    from mouths, sticking to our skin. Medusa,

    fair maiden of Greece, we are all your three

    sisters. How with a single glance each man

    crumbled. Give us the stare Gods slit your neck

    for, blood sweet with venom. Marble and stone,

    grasping gold amidst glistening water,

    snakes hissing at our necks. We make our nails

    daggers, slash those envious of our being,

    carve a trench into fleshy thigh, or for

    an itch rip nylon stockings up to shreds

    the men now in these trenches, Perseus,

    Polydectes, begging us stop biting.

     

     

     

    How Would You Know?

     

    How would you know that my own

    head is a burning building

    Unless you were inside the dream

    where I’m on a boat with a man

    I don’t know and he is dying,

    the sea nothing but salt and ice.

    When I became a woman,

    my emotions were met with impatience—

    A real waste of time, these insides,

    a continual up-down, up-down,

    How could you understand, when you ask

    if I am crying for a reason and I say no

    But what I mean is there are a million

    reasons.

    How would you see my own

    head stuffed with pillows of smoke

    unless you knew I said no

    to give myself enough space to crawl out

    unless you saw the growing tree

    in my backyard felled by lightning

    the soft peaches becoming bruised

    and then small ghosts

  • The Complete Gary Lutz: A Review

    Stories in the Worst Way, published in the 1996 with Knopf, first brought attention to Gary Lutz in an era when a few of the big-guns New York publishers still vibed with the mid-century practice of making space for innovative, disturbing writing.

    Through the next two decades, this unique writer’s writer continued his language-driven project with four consistent collections published by boutique indie presses such as the visionary yet now-defunct 3rd Bed, as well as Calamari Press, Black Square Editions, and Kevin Sampsell’s long-standing Portland-based Future Tense Books. Now, all of the author’s work is available in this volume from New York Tyrant.

    For the uninitiated, Lutz (who has also, in the past, written under the flat, gratifying nom de plume “Lee Stone”) makes short stories with a focus on sentences themselves rather than progressing events or unspooling revelations. These sentences, with stomach-dropping little dictional surprises, draw low-spirited, nervous, and/or masochistic protagonists, most of them nameless and devoid of gender, as they observe their own relationships with wariness and resignation, more or less enduring them, sometimes watching them evaporate. The narrators have no trouble talking or connecting with others, but overall, it’s cold comfort for them. Some of the trouble seems to be the gray setting, a version of our world, from which the narrators’ relationships arise. Simultaneously, intimacy offers these narrators a wealth of minutiae for observation: “She had a frivolity of moles on one arm,” “He was loiny, and pustuled, with an utterness of hair, ginger squibbles of it all over,” “[She was] putty-faced and dressed.”

    True, this hardly sounds like a party. But don’t think these stories aren’t hilarious—they are, verbally and situationally. In “Onesome,” the protagonist describes his wife’s work in “a program that reached out to anyone for whom speech had become a hardship. These included the people who said they instead of he or she to jack up the population in their private lives.”  Another narrator signs off a paper letter to an ex-lover with “xoxo,” but, in their ambivalence, adds penmarks to the letter’s closure so it resembles a crossed-out tic-tac-toe game.

    Even when the stories take place in the present day, Lutz has a penchant for preserving heirloom words and phrases.  “Car-coat,” “shoehorn” “frankfurter shack,” a “custard shop,” “business traveler,” “the phone book,” “bric-a-brac,” and countless others tint the writer’s prose to mid-20th Century atmospherics.  Meanwhile, numerous verbs, adverbs and adjectives have the propulsion to make language do more, often pointing to that despair and discomfort about the body. A man’s voice sounds “messy, squirky from disuse,” a wife “fumed and soured and stenched in bed beside a husband who himself was a cloud of exhausts and leakages. (I had to head to the urban dictionary for “slurked,” but am unconvinced Lutz sourced it there).  The understated humor here is edged by bleakness and distant cruelty.

    The church meeting-room, the overlit, shabby rental hall, a corner of the discount store: Lutz is brilliant at setting up blurred glimpses of North American communities’ stale, exhausted grimness and drabness. The language can sound quite Ohio or Plains. In “Am I Keeping You?” the narrator’s aunt “could never see herself outshining a child, but there she was with two daughters, neither of them a marrier.” A woman’s lurking boyfriend in “Meltwater” reveals: “Sometimes I could make out a third voice downstairs, that of a contestant female, just a visitor, no doubt, and a laugher. I never got to meet her and to this day still suspect she had a smoky hood of unshampooed hair and the sleep-buckled arms of a quitter.”

    The pleasures of those two sentences are fun to parse: their ricocheting sounds, “a laugher,” and the disconcertingly erotic “hood” of hair. Then there’s the wonderfully visual buckling arms and the deft way they correlate with a “quitter,” and the rhythmic closure.

    Lutz packs sentences with his characteristic cadences and maneuvers things so there’s a tang somewhere between ghastliness and comedy. In “I Crawl Back to People,” the narrator, with coldheartedness and a signature Lutzian punchline that feels like a drop into hell, offers, “There was a kind of woman you could spend weeks with, months even, and never get it settled to your satisfaction whether she was on the mend or not yet finished being destroyed.”   

    “Pledged” takes place in a small city or town. Like many stories in Lutz’s oeuvre, it doesn’t move forward in time so much as rock to and fro. And if it switches between first person plural and first person singular, locales are also neither one nor the other. The narrator, a young woman with a best friend, establishes the setting by stating, “the name of the town depended on which direction you came from. We were approaching form the east, so it was called West Southfork.” The two friends, disoriented for perhaps no other reason than life’s toughness, walk where “grass had been mushed” and “the planeting underneath the dirt felt even mushier.” They drop to their hands and knees and dig into the earth, mud caking their arms and bracelets as if in an actual search for firmer ground. As they pull a pile of graph paper out of the mud, “the planet slump[s] for a sec.” Muddy and “smutched,” they go to a restaurant where a local man leans against their booth, watching them eat with their “abstruse” manners. This causes both girls to not truly eat but pretend to eat. As the leaning intruder’s mouth is “stirred up,” it could be an escalating scene about gender and power, but Lutz is incapable of writing the expected. OCD and nervous, the man yatters at the woman about the way they’re eating: “Is that why you’re doing it? Just to be doing it? For the sake of it? All I’m saying is don’t be picking at it all the time. Leave well enough alone is what I’m saying. You ever stop to think that somebody else might come along and want it? Leave something for somebody else.” The stranger isn’t rapacious, but a Midwest nut overflowing with problems and double entendres. It’s the reliable restaurant server who calls him off.

    Anecdotally, I’ve noticed that Lutz’s fiction comes up sometimes between women readers and/or writers as a topic of discussion along with the sentiment that the writing is sexist–even among those who admire the work. A writer and critic friend summed it up pretty well: “I guess I’m used to feeling pissed off at something or other in men’s work and loving what I love at the same time.” She must’ve been referring Lutz’s narrators’ uninhibited dislike/alarm over female bodies (sentences like “Thirty-eight years of picked-over, furying age she was—brittled hair, a bulwark forehead, a voice that sounded blown-through.”). Descriptions like these can “slap,” my friend attested. This is important to note. However, the narrators don’t spare male bodies from the withering descriptions, either, and…they’re characters. Really damaged ones, too–so it’s all of a piece. Lutz’s work as a whole, domed-over by gray atmospherics of pain, minimizes my response to the narrators’ making verbal field days of women’s appearances—actually it makes me question my own expectation that life should be fair.

    Though Lutz’s work makes me laugh more than it offends me, his paragraphs reverberate with the sensation of some sort of serious injury. And most of the stories, which expose little corners of our culture’s cruel, cipher-like qualities, are especially unnerving as the country dips into political despotism today.

    The narrators’ bafflements, disconnects, shame, and little humiliations never abate. This is most clear in this book’s final story, “Am I Keeping You?” which describes a seemingly endless series of brute, terribly abusive aunts. No possibility of love, or awe for the universe, soothes any of these narrators’ distress away. But language is there instead: communication, via elaborate, hand-built sentences, tonally fascinating: a complex reprieve.

    The writer’s intense interest in words, sound, and rhythm versus fiction’s usual conventions were apparent to me in a workshop he led in Seattle in the mid-aughts. Around this time he also co-authored, with Diane Stevenson, the student textbook A Grammar Reference, which contains sections you’d be hard-pressed to find in Bedford English handbooks: “Indefensible Split Infinitives” and “Special Problems with That.” In both the handbook and his hardworking fiction, Lutz pulverizes the creative writing schools’ injunctions that fiction is best made from lush characterization, painstakingly made beats, and sacrosanct central conflict. I hope this collection of virtually all the short fiction by this legendary writer (including nine new stories), along with a wonderfully anecdotal and contextualizing introduction by Brian Evenson, will bring a new generation or two to Lutz’s mysterious and troubling art.

  • Three Poems – Vamika Sinha

    For the past year I’ve been mentoring a student at NYU Abu Dhabi, Vamika Sinha, on her hybrid project Cranes, which is a mix of poetry and essays, and has to do with identity and moving through the world as a young woman of colour—a 21st flâneuse who’s discovering the failures of cosmopolitanism, the burden of hyphens, and how art is a kind of hunger that fills and sustains us. I’m new to teaching, but I doubt this thrill ever diminishes—when you come upon a voice that feels grounded and wise, that’s looking backwards and forwards at the same time, when goddamit, they’re just beginning. Vamika’s voice has a choral effect because she’s in dialogue with so many artists—Coltrane, Teju Cole, Solange, Gloria Anzaldúa, Yasser Alwan, always coming back to the question, “What am I?” A flautist and photographer, she understands the power of the image, but also knows how to riff and jump octaves. She’s less interested in crescendo, more excited by synchronization and that lovely moment that she describes in jazz as “the opposite of foreshadowing…the proclamation of what came before, the hint of an older tune.” She’s building on all that’s come before by pushing up against it or subverting it or singing it some other way, and by doing so, she’s evoking Audre Lorde. She’s smashing down that house and building her own house, and the result is glorious. I can’t wait for the world to discover her.

    Tishani Doshi, author of Girls Are Coming Out of the Woods (Copper Canyon) and Small Days and Nights (Bloomsbury)

     

    blackbrown crush: a sonnet

    In praise of all the blessings we wouldn’t get, call upon my breaths,
    phone-line gossamer. Make them fervent, & pull
    the string in my windpipe, till the monarchs come down
    from their clouds into my stomach. In the name of crippled wings,
    Messenger, the hours of time split
    like filaments on our screens, injera like naan, Hawkins’
    ‘Body and Soul’, history bleached & sonnets
    undone like a corset. For this thread-thing    I wait
    which is to say,                                             I want you
    to wait for me, how long                               I migrate.

    You call & what sun, what slaughter
    of delicate, queens toppling & I hope you catch me
    with a net as big as the atlantic, sieving
    words struggling under the coats of our wings.

     

    (st)ars poetica

    in the open city, i move like an eel. i am electric and curved like a smile razored. in the open city, i live on hot food and hot music. i distract myself from weight. in the open city, a man makes a rape inside the womb of a book, and fills it with hot air. the words never deflate. and i believe in wonderlands lying at the bottom of holes, and i believe in blackbrown alices who reach their destination. in the open city, translation is not sold in the shops like rope necklaces. in the open city, i fly without wires making me marionette. look there, some me has fallen and killed their darling self. in the open city, i am flâneuse venus never in retrograde, cinnamon brown flesh and moonless. an open city is the woman itself. free to lay. in the open city, i am a queen on the chessboard, mobile as a dream or dictator. in the open city, memory is no cannibal but a child making jigsaw. in the open city, i can change colors. make blues into hot pink, my brains all alchemist. 

     

    self-portrait as nation-state
    after safia elhillo

    for a language i choose the pen
    filled up                            in red
    runny like syrup in spoons 
    sticky on my                        lips.
    for borders i choose the      seam
    running across my mother’s 
    stomach, proof of birth, that 
    i am         i am an aftermath;
    that i did not slip into a life that should
    not have been, like that
    brother of mine who never  crowned
    any territory, only                 bled.
    for a culture i breathe          breath 
    into plastic dolls
    like myself, i give
    them songs & color &          ink 
    as thick as what flows         within them.
    for an anthem, i                   laugh —
    jagged, jazzy, juicing 
    a child’s voice ripening        towards 
    its own self – colored           soul
    stained. & for my people     i give
    them throats full, to speak 
    i belong you belong         i belong to you & to me.

  • Two Poems by Stella Wong

    Two Poems by Stella Wong

    Spooks (poem lined with double agents)
     
    this is how to be a spook, if you know what’s good for your aging stars,
    foolproof and Asian,
     
    007 in a land where honeybees are near-extinct, and of legal age. look
    this one up—a Chinese harpoon woos
     
    the last foxy paper magnate. this poem oozes without moonmen
    or goddess. when everyone thinks spies, they think soba or hooker noodles
     
    in Brooklyn or cloistering by way of the woods with condoms and tarp.
    know this—mushrooms and the poor are censored the same out here, and unlike
     
    cowboys, more snaggletoothed Austin than world powers, no one’s sharpshooting villains 
    in the face. a farm in Virginia called, and they’re going footloose without chicken coops.
     
    the raw flanks names a senator crooked for their fuzzy handcuff emoji o-o (cougar, you get it). 
              there’s something here 
    to be said about bamboo growing wilder than misunderstanding. James b needs to stop karate 
              chopping people in the neck. your streetfighter record is 0-0
     
    and don’t throw away the receipt. you’re a doomsdayer raccoon—gain weight
              and gain confidences,
    and you won’t need a blood pact to goose Florida’s president.
     
    (another one to yahoo). the only use of a boxing glove is to camouflage giant walnuts,
               and facebook tells you this is how to hunt squirrels.
    Jason b has the Cool Whip and loom on lock, but gunfights are no gunfight 
               and really you’re on the run. so what do you do? if it’s a private eye, 
     
    scissor the plastic you married, spoof your cheekbones, dye your hair with violent goo,
                buy a train ticket north, ride a greyhound south and hitchhike west.
    and find a hoodie because you’re more-faced than the Ghent Altarpiece. if it’s the UN’s 
                booster seat, the nation-state and Us Weekly scoop you in 48 hours. how to lose a guy
     
    in seven rookie minutes? find a café, bribe the busboy, and you’ve bought yourself a backdoor     
    hour or a microorgasm. hey, as long as you find the spot
                with targeted apps these days, it’s anyone’s schoolgame.
     
     
    Spooks (we begin bombing in 5 minutes)
     
    I’m a rented lie  
    detector for the erotic subtext  
    in your shotgun nuptials. I know better  
     
    than to catch the MI5 in marsupial mode
    proposing, won’t you be the tote bag  
    to my red-handed dead drop? 
     
    I singlehandedly stop human agency  
    bloat by uninviting the stool pigeons  
    and other sand dollar informants. 
     
    The vows are three-legged nonsense  
    but they hold up better than a beached aviator
    before the biblical flood. The jetset NSA confesses
     
    to the FBI, yet another tortured blues singer — now I get totalitarian
    cardboard props, vaccines, and Shark Week just so  
    someone’s always Russian to your defense.
  • The Corner That Held Them

    They were arguing, stupid fight, about if you were color-blind how many colors would you see.  Would there be only black and white?  Or is color-blindness something larger in scope, with many shades of color, only re-assigned to objects differently than others see them?  Listening to them fight, Elaine thought more than once that you could perhaps characterize the two men by the positions they took on the issue.  The one who believed that color-blindness reduces everything to black and white, was he the more romantic one of the two?  Or was he the more classical?  “Like Balanchine,” she thought vaguely, having forgotten most of everything she ever knew about Balanchine somewhere over the years.

    No wait a second, there must be still plenty she recalled about Balanchine.  Seemed like she could almost see one of his dances, right in front of her eyes, the hush around the dancers, the andante of the music—live music, as she recalled.  Did the City Ballet rely on taped music nowadays, hard to know who to ask.  My God, George Balanchine meant everything to me at one point, Elaine thought, trying to work herself into a frenzy, and now I can’t even think of the names of any of his dances.

    She sipped a little bit of her drink, then put the glass down on the marble coaster.  I love these coasters, she thought.

    Balanchine, everything black and white, Allegra Kent in some kind of white leotard with little handles around her hips.  The stage all very dark except for spotlights from beneath the stage.  It must have been the 70s, she thought.  She remembered Balanchine’s profile, the way it looked like a mountain peak, and his long legs.  They’d met at a party and she wondered why all the women went for him, then she’d decided the women in question must be a horribly neurotic bunch.  Last autumn she was down in Los Angeles for the West Hollywood Book Fair, and a woman was speaking who’d written a book all about her late-blooming passion for anal sex, and Elaine had been puzzled and a little nauseated, and then all became clear when the speaker revealed she had been one of Balanchine’s ballerinas.

    It had been a beautiful afternoon, outdoors, the speakers at long tables under tents, everyone wearing sunglasses.

    The heat concentrating on the very top of your scalp, so Elaine had guarded it with some kind of flyer for the ballerina’s anal sex book.  A discreet flyer, thank God, it could have been far worse.  There was something almost dignified about it, just as there was, Elaine realized, about all of Balanchine’s work, no matter if he were choreographing for elephants at the circus (surely he did something of the sort, it was part of his legend), or for these incredibly elegant and soignee analholics like Suzanne Farrell or Vera Zorina.  And that woman Joan in The New Yorker who never wrote an article without bemoaning the way the City Ballet had forgotten about Balanchine and treated his legacy like so much flypaper.  Nowadays there’s a general cultural amnesia about the past.  Why in her dim memory she recalled being taken to the NYCB by her godmother, oh, in the middle of some war, everyone upset outside, but inside a dim sense of peace and money.

    “You must know Mary Sue,” Tim was saying, “she’s colorblind and you don’t have to be intimate with her to know, just take a look at her outfits, stripes with plaids, everything five different shades of orange.  It’s like, when you go into an elevator and it’s all gray rubber, gray steel?  At least this is how I understand it, and say you stepped into a big puddle of blood, you wouldn’t even know it.  Gray and red are the same thing.”

    “I do know Mary Sue and she has often told me, that she has shoppers who put together her clothes for her.  It’s a service for the colorblind, and there’s a whole C-B department at Macy’s or Saks.  One of them.”

    “Oh, she doesn’t buy at Saks.”

    “No, that’s true.”

    They thought awhile about Mary Sue.  Elaine remembered her from the days when all of them used to act in Beach Blanket Babylon, a San Francisco institution that had been running a hundred years; a revue of songs and topical skits and big, brash satire like Saturday Night Live.  Mary Sue often played the big, clownish types like Dolly Parton, Peggy Lee, Imelda Marcos.  She always dressed beautifully, in Elaine’s opinion, but maybe she had the Macy’s shoppers working for her even then, or else maybe her disease hadn’t spread up to her eyeballs yet (or wherever color blindness affected you last).  She imagined it was in the eyeballs, sort of like cancer except not as painful, perhaps not painful at all.  You certainly never heard people give little gasps or clutch hankies to their eyes and claim they had just had an attack of color blindness.  It couldn’t be painful, but who knew?  That Balanchine woman had evaded the question entirely about whether or not anal sex was painful.  This guy who she met through the personals (of The New York Review of Books believe it or not) didn’t like her lubricated.  He would come over and she was just supposed to lie there while he plunged into her, without a word, without even taking off his pants, just pulling down his zipper—which he could have done easily, in her foyer—and he’d be out of there in two shakes—so to speak—and leave her rapt, restless, and with another chapter’s worth of anal sex to write up in her so-called “diary of obsession.”  So, Elaine thought, if Mary Sue indeed suffered from being color blind—in fact, whether or not she was color blind at all, and she, Elaine, did not think she was, despite what Tim and Gerald were swearing, so united in this one lie, despite being at loggerheads in every other aspect of the color-blindness debate; anyhow, if Mary Lou were colorblind she did not seem to ever have felt pain a day in her life.  Save perhaps for the day when she was fired from Beach Blanket Babylon for moving to Oakland’s Lake Merritt.  You were fired just for moving out of town?  They said it’s a betrayal of the BBB ethic.

     “Could we stop the car, please,” she said faintly.  They’d been bucking up and down the hills of Pacifica and Devil’s Slide for what seemed like hours, and she wasn’t feeling at all comfortable.  The drink she put down more firmly in its slot, above the cunning marble coaster.  Tim took another glance at her, over his shoulder, with an unspoken fear in his eyes.

    “Mom, are you okay?”

    “I’m fine, dear,” she said.  “That last drink was just a little on the strong side.”

    “That’s Gerald,” he said.  “When it comes to pouring out, guy’s got an iron hand.”

    Gerald protested, as Tim pulled over to the wide gravel next to Highway 1.  “It’s hard when someone else is driving.  You can’t anticipate, that’s the problemo.”

    Elaine put one foot down on the sand, judging its wet firmness.  Thirty yards below, the ocean slopped and howled, a hungry beast prowling the shore.  When they asked her if she felt better, she nodded, but the truth is it’s so hard to gauge how well or ill you’re feeling when you’re looking down at this horrible wet ocean that’s suffering its own spectacular storm from underneath.  All roiled up as though octopi and squids were fighting it out on the ocean floor like King Kong versus the T Rex.  In France didn’t they call nausea the “mal du mer”?  That expressed it absolutely, the sea suffering, and “mal” meant—evil.

    “I’m fine, Gerald,” she called back blithely while slipping a little mirror from her purse and quickly dabbing on some blush.  You’re never so sick as makeup won’t help put a better spotlight on things.  She wondered what the colorblind did about blush.  Weren’t they always putting weird colors on their face?  Maybe that’s what happened to all those women the Germans painted in the Blue Rider school, with deep blue cheeks and green chins.  It wasn’t the painters who were colorblind, she flashed, it was the models!  She should write an article for Art Notes about it.  Tiny flakes of powder dusted her fingers and surreptitiously she wiped them on Gerald’s leather seats, the rich leather he was so proud of.  However now the apricot dust was staining the black in a way that reminded her, disconcertingly, of a crime scene.

    This wasn’t her first visit to Blanc Marie.  She had endowed the sisters with a $10,000 fellowship to say prayers in some sort of universal novena in Marty’s memory.

    Tim had not been in favor of this investment at all.  And Gerald was, predictably, on the fence, not wanting to hurt Tim’s feelings by being disloyal to him, and yet not wanting to rock the boat so far as Elaine went either, for things had been rocky between them ever since Gerald had picked Tim up at some kind of gay cruise and married him on the steps of City Hall.  Tim didn’t understand why she felt it necessary to have prayers said in Marty’s name.  “I loved him too, Mom,” he said.  “But he’s dead and all the prayers in the world aren’t going to bring him back.”

    That was his argument, and how could she say that she doubted his sincerity?  But the truth is she knew he would rather she spent the money on what, an extra bathroom on the house Tim was building for Gerald in St. Francis Wood.  Not that it was all so black and white, she admitted.  Marty hadn’t been the world’s best father, number one, and hell, maybe two men living together (with herself to be installed in this deluxe sort of “inlaw” apartment in what wasn’t actually the basement—but amounted to one)—maybe two men needed two bathrooms.  (She’d have her own, of course.)  Gerald thought it would be cute to have a bidet in his.  She made herself grin when she joshed him about it, but inwardly she was thinking of whether or not he enjoyed anal sex and if so, why and how.  She kept looking at Tim wondering how she had raised a son who would inflict anal sex on another, smaller boy.

    Well, he was forty.  And Gerald close to it.  They weren’t boys, they just acted like it sometimes.

    Today was supposed to be a nice drive in the country but now, as the two men stood there in twin sweaters, staring at her balefully, she felt alarm, seeing her nice afternoon go up in smoke.  “What?” she asked.  “I’m not going to feel any better with you two glaring at me as though I were–“  She couldn’t think of what.  Instantly they broke their gaze off, as though ashamed.  One looked up the side of the cliff; the other, to the rocks below.  They might have been two surveyors, in fisherman’s sweaters, assigned to measure cliff erosion.  Softly, out of the side of his mouth, Tim said, “Mom, do you want a handkerchief?”

    “For what?”

    “You’ve got all that makeup on the leather.”

    Abruptly she swiveled in the backseat and pivoted herself out of the car entirely, hoisting herself up on her pins.  Marty always told her she wore too much makeup.  That she was beautiful just with a touch of lipstick.  She didn’t need all that junk on her eyes.  But what did Marty know?  He was the one who said they shouldn’t leave New York, they’d be crazy to leave a place they knew, and at night she would feel the fear in his bones as he lay next to her, feigning sleep, in that awful apartment on the Henry Hudson, their last before abandoning the city for once and for all.  That lumpy mattress she could have sworn had bedbugs.  Him staring at the ceiling through closed eyes but his pulses jumping like the trotters at Aqueduct.  

    “Are you awake?”

    No reply.

    “Marty, you’re not kidding anyone, you’re awake.”

    You’d hear a snore, a horribly unconvincing snore, a snore so fake it seemed to signal the very pit of despair, for it didn’t seem to, well, it didn’t seem to care if you thought it was real.  Whatever it was, it was not going to then turn around and say, oh yes, I was awake all along.  She got up, put her feet in her slippers, padded out to the kitchen, and in the glare of the pink “Pharmacy” neon she picked up her crossword and sat down again at the table, thinking that it would be the last crossword she’d ever do in New York.  The sugar bowl was empty, white crystals clinging to its rim.  The Daily News printed the most preposterous puzzles, clues so simple little Tim could finish one up by the time he was seven or eight.  They did have the Jumble puzzle which has pizzazz, a fairly elegant mess of consonants and vowels you could scramble till they formed a real word.  ECRMA.  You’d look at that combo and then “cream” would bubble to the surface.  She used to tell Marty, “People talk about ‘I love New York,’ all the shops and shows, but all I love is the Jumble puzzles and the City Ballet.”

    “Yes,” she said to Tim, “I’ll take a hanky if you have one.  I don’t know why I’m so clumsy.  It’s just the emotion of the day, I suppose.”

    “That’s all right, Elaine,” Gerald said.  “We understand.”

    “Do you?”

    Was there a simper of condescension in his voice?  There always is, when the young address the old.  But they were neither of them young, neither of them old.  Wasn’t there some fellow feeling among the middle-aged, or was your birthdate everything forever?

    “Of course we do.  Marty was a great guy and you probably miss him to bits.  I know I do, and who am I?”

    “Yes,” she mumbled.  In her fist she was rubbing great streaks into his leather, like a Number Two pencil eraser, till it foamed with shavings.  The white of Tim’s handkerchief, the thick black leather.  It was like some old-fashioned view of the world she had put behind her long ago when she had become a feminist and taken up International Modernism—the new.  No more black and white, she’d laughed to Marty, who shook his head like a rueful cart horse.  “Everything new,” Marty said, looking around him at the new place on Russian Hill—well, sort of Russian Hill.  She never knew when he was kidding.  She only knew when he was afraid of something.

    Too, he was the victim of a dreadful pair of, well, you could hardly call them parents, they were just monsters.  That’s all, monsters.  The Nazis, Goebbels and Goering, were better parents, probably.  They gave all three of their kids a loveless childhood and made them feel guilty for wanting to get away from them.  They picked on the one boy so much he gave it up at thirteen, expiring in some sordid Coney Island brawl that made the papers.  And Elaine could just about remember Marty’s sister, who tried to join the Army during Korea and then disappeared into the bars and clubs of the Village sometime around 1956.  And the monsters lived on, as monsters always will, their posture stiff and immobile, ruling the roost and keeping poor Mart under their thumb as though he were still a little boy with his father’s—

    “Stop staring at me, boys,” she said.  “It’s just not polite.  Let’s let this be a happy day, shall we?  And when we get to Blanc Marie the sisters are going to treat us to a lunch you’ll never forget.”  The food they offered the public was spectacular, that was the only word for it.  Pressed by friends to describe it, Elaine could only compare her experience at the refectory table to some great fireworks display, perhaps the one Leopold Bloom describes in Ulysses while he’s melting and rubbing himself over that innocent convent girl.  Vaguely she knew, somewhere in her soul, that the voluptuousness of the food was in some direct relationship to the simplicity, some might say harshness, of the nuns’ order, but she couldn’t think why.  “Sublimation” seemed too simple a concept, something beneath the register of the experience.  She had heard that M.F.K. Fisher, the famous California food writer, had devoted a chapter to Blanc Marie in one of her early books, either The Gastronomical Me or I Ate A Whole Fat Pig, but as of yet she hadn’t tracked down the reference.  M.F.K. Fisher—the Balanchine of food writers—joyous, vigorous, sensual, in fact downright sexy.

    Gerald had picked up a small stone from the side of the road and was expertly tossing it from one hand to the other.  “Well,” he said, “you want to get a move on, Elaine?  You’re making me hungry, and we still have quite a hike.”

    A hike?  Just as though they were walking instead of driving.  But that was Gerald for you: imprecise.  Sometimes, she thought, dealing with him was like dealing with someone who didn’t speak English very well.  His expressions were either slightly askew, or else so vulgar you’d think he’d have dropped them years ago as he rose higher in society and status.  “Chunk of change,” for example.  To Gerald everything was a big chunk of change.  The outlay for Marty’s novenas, of course.  The cost of a bidet.  He whistled beautifully, like Bing Crosby, but only in connection with mentioning a sum of money.  “Four hundred dollars!” he would whistle.  “That’s some chunk of change all right.”

    “Oh yes, let’s move on, I’m so sorry,” said Elaine, drawing her feet together and lifting them back into the car proper.  Tim shut her car door from outside, then walked around the car, grabbing for his keys in his pocket.

    “We had a little break, that’s all,” said Gerald generously.  He held the black stone he’d found in his palm, gazing at it as though it were worth something.  Elaine watched it glisten, catching the pinkish cool light and something of the rigor of the waves far below.  All greeny dewy stars falling with golden, O so lovely!  O so soft, sweet, soft!

    “I don’t even know how the sisters get to the farmers market, considering they’re not allowed to talk to men,” Elaine said, looking forward now to her lunch.  “Maybe they speak only to the women farmers there, I don’t know.”

    “Or eunuchs?” Tim said, pulling the car back onto 101, eyes fixed on the rearview mirror.  “That would be practical.”

    “Hard boiled eggs for lunch?” Gerald suggested.

    “Stop it, do,” Elaine laughed.  “You two are terrible, terrible.”  Tim had grown up with Marty’s sense of humor, an uneasy humor you might say, one that found the wry jest in every awful turn of fate.  For Marty, she knew, all too well, such a philosophy had come naturally, for his life really had been tough.  Hearing it from Tim, it seemed a little false, for outside of being gay, which in San Francisco was hardly a tragedy, what had he to complain of?  It was the same way that the jokes coming out of Woody Allen’s mouth at least seemed felt, whereas the same jokes from Jerry Seinfeld lost punch somehow, or even meaning.  Still, nuns were always ridiculous, weren’t they, and the best of them even seemed to concede as much.  Mother Hilda always wore a little smile as though she, too, the intimate friend of Loretta Young and Teilhard de Chardin among others, saw how crazy it all was.  And good with money too!  Tim said that Mother Hilda had the mind of a steel trap, and sometimes she frightened Elaine, just a little; she was utterly pragmatic, hardly spiritual at all in affect.  Like a character from one of her favorite books, The Corner That Held Them, Sylvia Townsend Warner’s divine novel about a cloistered order.  But then again, the older she got the more Elaine realized that the important part of life, the life of the soul, was all about simple things, and like it or not, the simple things cost money.

    You could make a little chart, she thought, about which ballerinas, the ones she’d seen and envied over fifty years, which ones were Catholic girls and which were not.  Maria Tallchief, yes.  Alicia Alonso, for sure.  Janet Collins, probably.  Margot Fonteyn, don’t make me laugh.  The drive was lovely, but a little dizzying, and it was beyond her now to correlate the data of religious background to the need some lovely dancers seemed to have for anal sex.  Maybe after lunch all these columns and lists would add up.  In the meantime she applied a renewed vigor to finding a comfortable place on the bridge of her nose for her sunglasses.  In the shadowy back seat, she saw what amounted to a stranger—herself—reflected in the tinted glass.  A stranger with an expensive pair of shades that looked as though they were biting her nose, as though she were in pain, and a stranger who wore a grimace even on a lovely day.

    “Can I roll down the window?” she called up to Tim.  “Or are we childproof?”  The three of them laughed, just burst out in guffaws, at the incongruity of—of what?  That she was no child, and that they had no parental authority over her?  That they had no children and they didn’t really want any, so why buy a “childproofed” car?  Well that last wasn’t strictly true, for Gerald in fact had three children, apparently, though Elaine had never met any of them.  To her they were phantoms, forgettable phantoms, to be trotted out whenever any of them wanted a reminder that Gerald wasn’t maybe one thousand percent gay as he so often seemed.  Those three kids, hidden from him by a vengeful ex-wife in Manila or Melbourne, were like the Lost Boys in the story of Peter Pan—they were doing something tropical somewhere, forever young, and noisy, but just about faceless.  Elaine supposed that Gerald knew their names but they were so little a part of her life that most of the time she forgot they existed.  She had to give him that, he wasn’t one of those fathers who was always trying to show you slides of his children, or JPEGs of their first day at school.  Even when he’d downed a few, he never sobbed into his beer about Gerald Junior and the others.

    “We’re childproof,” Tim affirmed, and this sent them all into giggles all over again.  It was almost as though they had never been at loggerheads, her wonderful son and herself.

    “May I see your little rock?” Elaine asked Gerald, raising her hand to his shoulder, pressing her fingers into the wool of his sweater, with what she hoped was a tender sort of touch.

    The face he sent back was confused.

    “What rock, dear?”

    “That little stone you picked up from the roadside,” she said.  “It was such a thoughtful souvenir of our day.”

    “Did I have a rock?” he said.  It was clear he’d forgotten the incident already.  “Sure it weren’t no hard boiled egg, Elaine?”

    Her nose itched.  Sort of a flimsy sensation probably aggravated by the severe bite of the bridge.

    “You were tossing that tiny stone around as though you wanted maximum publicity for it,” she said, coolly enough.  “I saw it in your hand and for a moment you reminded me of Saint Francis.”

    “St. Francis Wood maybe,” said Tim, for that was the luxury neighborhood in San Francisco that he and Gerald aspired to.

    “I’m no Saint Francis,” Gerald chuckled.

    “Apparently not,” she agreed, with an asperity that afterward dismayed her.  Why couldn’t she keep any affection going for Gerald?  She would catch it for a second, and she could nurse it for minutes at a stretch, but then like a firefly in her hand it would buzz and flare out, you could almost feel it dying, vacant with beauty.  How long did it take to be able to love someone?  With Marty it had happened in an instant, like snapping your fingers—or was that the marvelous diminution that time brought with it—everything seemed to have happened in a jumble, fast as thought itself, even falling in love.  Or one day she, walking through Flatbush, seeing a used condom on the steps of St. Cecilia’s, suddenly deciding that come hell or high water she would move her family out of New York.  And that was that.  There were things irrevocable, matters of the spirit, decided in an instant; and then there were men like Gerald who no matter how hard you tried to treat him like a human being, you just kept seeing Tim’s thing in his mouth, his fat little mouth like a daffodil.

    “It might be on the floor,” Gerald said.  He shook his head from side to side.  “The rock thing I mean.”

    “You could look,” Tim said.

    “Oh it is so unimportant,” Elaine said.  “What’s important is having a good time while we still can.”

    “Or when we stop I could get out and get you another one,” Gerald said.

    “It’s not like they’re expensive,” said Tim.

    “Oh, that would be fine,” agreed Elaine.  “I wouldn’t want you to be out a chunk of change.”

    She noticed, in the side mirror to her right, the cheerful orange and white boxy shape of a U-Haul van in their wake.  It was keeping right up; as she thought back, she had been noticing it here and there, in the twisty turns of 101 by Devils Slide, or later, along the bleak Dover Beach seascapes of Pigeon Point, in her peripheral vision that U-Haul van had been almost traveling with them.  When they had pulled over for their impromptu “stretch of the legs,” the van had maintained a discreet distance a hundred yards down the highway’s edge.

    “Have you boys been watching this U-Haul truck?” she asked, wanting to amuse them.  “As Marty used to say, remember Tim?  It’s been sticking to us like white on rice.”

    “I don’t remember the white on rice thing, Mom.”

    Gerald laughed.  “What would he say today, when rice isn’t necessarily white, I wonder?”

    Tim glanced in his rear view mirror.  His lip twitched.  “He’d say that the fucking piece of shit was on our ass, is what he’d say.”

    “Tim, please,” said Gerald.

    “’White on rice,’” he hooted derisively, and if there was one thing Elaine hated it was when someone mocked you by imitating your voice or your expressions—the very things that belonged to you.  “Give me a fucking break.”

    Gerald leaned over the back seat, cuffed him on the shoulder.  “Tim, let’s just try to have a nice day, okay?  Our last one for a while, let’s make it nice.”

    Last one for a while?

    What was going on with that?

    “I hurt you, Tim?” Gerald said in a small voice.  “Baby, I’m sorry.”  Then he must have pushed down a button in the armrest of the “childproof” car, for his window rolled down, nearly inaudibly, but she had always had good hearing and she could sense the atmosphere within the sedan changing, shifting slightly.  “I don’t think I hurt our boy, Elaine,” he continued, his voice getting blown about by the wind so that, or so it seemed to her, the syllables in the different words he used seemed to bounce all over them, like the inflatable silver pillows Andy Warhol made for his Factory parties.  Those silver pillows she had seen in Time magazine when all New York was talking of Pop Art and Warhol’s Silver Factory, which sounded so elegant.  Even in the best of times, Gerald had an affected way of speaking.  “He’s made of sturdy stuff as we both of us know all too well.”

    Elaine was barely listening to him . . .  When she got to Blanc Marie she planned to tuck into whatever rich dessert the Sisters had set aside for her.  Too often in the past, she’d scrimped and cheated herself to keep the figure she’d had as a young girl, but we can’t all be sylphlike, so we might as well eat what desserts we may.  Look at Violette Verdy!  Balanchine had made dozens of dances for her, might as well call them “pipe cleaner dances,” but by the time she retired it was as though someone had pumped air into her like a dirigible so that by the time Reagan became President dear Violette had that silver pillow look herself, like a dumpling wrapped in foil at some dim sum place.

    That U-Haul van was really moving. She saw its squarish cabin comically bumping up and down. She glanced at Tim’s knuckles on the steering wheel, how white and old they looked, his fingers knotted around the wheel as though arthritis had molded them into hooks.  Poor boy, really.  Upset about a tiff with Gerald, no doubt.

    A good meal would sort them all out.

    “Mom,” Tim said.

    Chicken, spinach, chocolate cake—dumplings were in her head thanks to Violette Verdy; maybe there’d be dumplings.  Not the Chinese sort, the—

    “Mom, it’s not like we haven’t talked this out over and over,” Tim said.  He sounded resigned.

    She felt Gerald’s paw on her left shoulder.

    “Oh, Elaine,” he said.  “So awful to see you like this.”

    “Don’t pretend you’re, like, all in the dark about the U-Haul, Mom.”

    “In the dark?” she repeated.  It was like he was being patient with her.  An unusual note for Tim.  Patience.  Something new for our boy.  “In the dark about what?”

    “About the U-Haul,” Gerald whined.  Oh, maybe it wasn’t whining, but his affected way of speaking.  No wonder his kids never liked visiting him.  Who would want a Dad who talked like Lauren Bacall in an old Douglas Sirk weeper like Written on the Wind?  At least Tim had had a manly sort of father, a mensch as they say.

    Marty.  Buried on a hill, the sea breeze lilting, the stars above blinking out unendurable messages of gravity.  A branch of one of those sea-drenched white trees pitched above his grave.  Him a suit of bones, as she had used to lie in bed next to him, pressing his skin with her thumb, feeling the bone along his skinny little spine, his absurdly large skull.

    “In the dark about what about the U-Haul, can you tell me that?” Elaine cried.  “Because I don’t know what you could possibly be talking about.”

    “Oh Elaine,” said Gerald, patting her shoulder, gently, as though she were some sort of National Velvet.  “Those nuns are gonna take such extra good care of you.  You’ll be their sugar doll with all your beautiful clothes and manners.  Look!  I can almost see it now.”  Suddenly his face was next to hers, wreathed in smiles.  “It’s coming up around the bend, just you wait and see.”