Category: Uncategorized

  • The Frenchman

    After having sex with her husband, Sabi left him in bed for the Frenchman on her laptop. Usually, the wireless connection would buffer halfway into a clip, but tonight the signal was strong. Despite needing to get some rest for her third oncologist appointment, Sabi stayed up the rest of the night. In the morning, she would know if the chemotherapy was working. She didn’t want to think about the results of the PET scan or the chemo. She didn’t want to brace herself for another assault of fatigue, nausea, constipation, and that damn metallic taste in her mouth. She only wanted to watch the Frenchman have sex with women.

    He appeared on her laptop screen with a beautiful, young brunette. They were in a white room with white furniture. On top of a white leather couch, the brunette sat astride the sitting Frenchman, his floppy, brown hair clung to his sweaty brow as he sucked her perky, dark nipples. She lifted a curtain of silky hair from her shoulders then a jump cut to her kneeling in front of him.

    Nick bought Sabi the laptop so that she could watch movies while having meds pumped into her Mediport, a small, metal disc about the size of a quarter that sat under her skin below her collarbone. A catheter connected the port to a large vein. The meds were injected through a thick needle that fits into the port. After that first painful puncture, Sabi reached for the laptop and lost herself in movies. She watched French films mostly. During the first month of treatments, she watched two, sometimes three movies as six hours’ worth of drugs were pumped into her Mediport.

    The films ranged from old to new. Historical to arty ones. Films with little plot, some that made no sense at all. She watched philosophical love stories and musicals with tone-deaf singers. She made use of her high school French and turned off the subtitles. She liked how serious yet relaxed all the French actors appeared.

    Nick hated the French films; said he couldn’t stand the apathy on display. She tried to convince him that what he was watching was the opposite of apathy. “Don’t you see? There are no pretensions. They are dealing with life and not getting all emotional about it. Emotional reactions are superficial,” she said. “They only help us avoid our fears when in fact we should be facing them.”

    Treatment days were grueling, long, nine-hour days, which began with a needle inside the Mediport and a nurse filling seven different sized vials for blood testing. Then Sabi had to report to her oncologist, who reviewed the results of her blood work to determine if she was strong enough to endure the scheduled chemo treatment.

    Nick and Sabi would spend their time in the waiting room looking through Better Homes and Gardens, staring at perfect couples inside quaint country homes, looking chaste, untarnished, undamaged by life. Looking as far removed from a sticky, sweaty orgasm as a patient in a coma.

    After her last appointment, Sabi and Nick took a long bath together. Nick sat behind Sabi in the tub and carefully sponged her back, arms, neck, breasts, and inner thighs. When he was done, she kissed his soapy hand, felt him grow hard behind her, and then he slowly turned her around, so that she sat facing him. With her legs wrapped around his waist, he slipped his dick inside her. In the 15 years they’d been together, they’d never made love this way; fucking slowly in the bathtub, skin slippery, no sounds coming from their mouths.

    That night while Nick slept, Sabi squirmed in bed, wanting badly to dig in and rip out the Mediport. Instead, she tiptoed out to the living room and turned on her laptop.

    Still thinking of their lovemaking in the bathtub, Sabi searched for “couples having hot sex” on the internet.

    It was astonishing to find so many free porn sites featuring plastic women moaning and groaning while wooden men grunted behind them, on top of them, underneath them, to the side of them. Impossible sexual positions where the men jackhammered away as if they were competing in an Iron Man competition.

    And then she found the Brit. He wasn’t the greatest performer. He puckered his mouth when he mounted a woman and exhaled in a whistle when he came, but he had a cute accent and a nice, muscular ass. His belly rippled when he fucked, and he had nice hands. He seemed to enjoy touching the women he was with. It was through watching the Brit that Sabi found the Frenchman.

    It was a threesome scene, which began with the Brit making fun of the other man’s accent.

    “You a Frenchman, mate?”

    Oui, and I have a bigger dick than you,” he said.

    A buxom, older woman entered the room. The two younger men took off their clothes. The woman kept one occupied while the other lost himself in her lush ass. The Frenchman didn’t whistle when he came. He kissed the woman instead. A long, passionate kiss that seemed to take the woman by surprise. Sabi imagined what it would be like to be overpowered by the Frenchman. She wondered if he would kiss her passionately and then slap her tits. She wondered if she would be okay with that.

    __

    After treatment, she was too weak to eat, too pissed off to talk about how she felt. The Zofran and Ativan helped with nausea, but after a couple of days, the drugs made her moody. On the upswing she was vocal, laughing, singing, talking non-stop about how great she felt. On the downswing, she touched her body, felt for lumps, placed ointment on her scars, and patted the Mediport. “Scar tissue is building around it,” she told Nick, thinking if she said this out loud, she would escape the deep state of paranoia that now invaded her every thought. Sex was what kept her sane.

    __

    The beautiful brunette had a bush, a rarity in cyberporn. She pulled on it and the Frenchman went wild. He pulled her legs so that her ass hit the edge of the white leather sofa and began to masturbate over her stomach. She tugged harder on her bush. He moaned, grabbed one of her feet, and sucked on her big toe. He yanked on his large, uncircumcised dick as the brunette rubbed herself. The Frenchman took her from behind and whispered French words in her ear as she climaxed.

    Earlier tonight, Nick had screamed, “You’re amazing!” as Sabi fondled his balls then played with him until he was hard enough for her to climb on top. Weird that she could be so sexually aroused yet feel so unattractive. Her body felt old and tired. Her ringlets cut short in an uneven bob. Her once thick eyebrows now faint lines over her dark-circled eyes. Her lush eyelashes now wispy nothings.

    She hit the pause button when she heard Nick’s heavy footsteps. “Sabi!” he said, walking into the living room. It was five in the morning and still dark out.

    “What’s going on? Are you feeling okay?”

    “Yeah, I’m good.” Sabi closed the laptop and smiled. Nick looked so young and cute and loving. His glassy brown eyes softened; he ran his hand over his floppy, brown hair. He used to tell her all the time he could never live without her, but he didn’t say that anymore.

    __

    Last November, nothing had prepared Sabi for her apathy over the whole cancer thing. The oncologist had reached over his desk to squeeze her hand after the diagnosis. He said, “Go ahead and cry if you want to.” But she didn’t want to. She pretended to cry. Gave the oncologist what he wanted.

    Before Sabi left the oncologist’s office, she had to do a bone marrow biopsy. The nurse instructed her to remove her clothing, don a paper robe, and leave the opening towards the back. She was told to lie on her side. She felt the cool alcohol on her back and the burn of a local anesthetic. The oncologist said, “Take a deep breath.”

    She felt a pinch near her vertebra. “I’m sorry,” the oncologist said as he drew a sample. A preemptive apology for the sharp pain that followed. She imagined a metal string extracted slowly from the middle of her femur, through her hip bone and up her spine.

    The metal scraping each nerve ending as it left her body.

    Nick didn’t go to the oncologist with her. She didn’t want him there. Later, when she told him the diagnosis, she said, “No crying, no feeling sorry for us, and none of that ‘Why us?’ please.”

    He’d fallen in love with a vibrant, healthy woman who’d read more books than he ever knew existed. And now she was sick, but it could be worse. She was stage two. The likelihood of a remission was 80%.

    Now it was December, and they would know if the drugs were working. If the cancer is reactive, her chances for remission would go up to 90%. She was undergoing an aggressive treatment program. She risked infertility, dangerous scarring to her lungs, breast cancer, leukemia, thyroid disease. She might get an infection. She might catch pneumonia. She could have a fatal reaction to one of the drugs. But she could be cured and alive. Healthy once again.

    __

    When Nick stepped inside the kitchen. Sabi was still in front of her laptop, with the volume on mute. She wasn’t fooling Nick. He had walked in on her and the Frenchman before. He always made a face but didn’t voice his disapproval.

    She looked up her favorite scene with the Frenchman, “Manu Loves Dana.” She fast-forwarded through the first five minutes, skipped the lovely Dana’s strip routine, which concluded with her on all fours.

    Sabi found the right spot on the six-minute seven-second mark. Manu was on his knees in front of a spread-eagle Dana with his nose and mouth buried in her pussy. They fucked on a chocolate velvet sofa. Manu held Dana’s head and kissed her eyes and nose, mouth, and tits. He pounded into her; said she was beautiful. So foocking beautiful.

    Dana didn’t look anything like Sabi. She had olive-skin and almond-shaped eyes. She looked petite next to the burly Frenchman. He deftly maneuvered her into a reverse cowgirl position, his head and torso disappeared behind the lovely Dana, his large hands on her narrow hips, lifting her pelvis up and down over his very large dick.

    If Sabi’s PET Scan came back clear today, if the cancer cells were gone, then she would still continue treatments; four more months of chemotherapy followed by three weeks of daily radiation treatments to her chest.

    “You should shower and get dressed. Our appointment is in a couple of hours.”

    Sabi turned up the volume on her laptop. Dana moaned, “Fuck me!”

    “Come on,” Nick said. He slapped down the laptop screen and took it away.

    Sabi stood up and hugged him. She buried her nose in his neck and sucked on it.

    “Sabi.” He pulled away, but she held him by the waist. “We have to go,” he tried again.

    “Please fuck me, Nick.”

    “We don’t have time for that, sweetheart.”

    Sabi gave up, grabbed her laptop, and carried it to their bedroom. She placed it on top of their bed, opened the screen, and stared at the frozen image of the Frenchman plowing into Dana’s ass. His face caught in a grimace, his hands digging into her hips, and Dana looking straight into the camera, biting her bottom lip.

    Sabi opened her closet, pulled out a long tunic and a pair of leggings, dug through her pile of high-heeled boots and grabbed a pair of black Converses.

    Take a shower. Get dressed. Wear a nice bra and panty set.

    She would have to strip at least once for the oncologist and Nick because Nick insisted on accompanying her to the exam room. “For moral support,” he had said.

    He didn’t trust her. Nick would sit on a chair across from the exam table. The elderly oncologist would gently knock before entering the room. He’d give Sabi a warm welcome and coldly say hello to Nick.

    Nick hated the oncologist. He also hated when the oncologist felt for swollen nodules on her throat, the sides of her neck, along with her collarbone, under her armpits, and her groin. It was because of Nick that Sabi always kept her bra and panties on.

    Nick came into the bedroom. He smiled when he saw the clothes on the bed but frowned at the laptop. Not too much, but enough to let her know that the sight of two people fucking was not alright, not helpful, not funny, and not appreciated.

    After her shower, she spotted Nick on the bed, watching something on her laptop. She recognized the Frenchman’s voice. Come for me, baybee.

    “Why do you like this guy?” Nick spoke without taking his eyes off the laptop.

    Grabbing a wide-tooth comb from the dresser, Sabi combed her hair, making sure not to pull too hard on the few knots or scratch her sensitive scalp. “I don’t like him. I don’t even know him.”

    “You could have fooled me. I mean, he’s got a baby-arm size dick, so I can see why.”

    “Oh god, are we really going there?”

    “Is it the anal? We’ve never done that. Do you want that?”

    “No. Look.” She slapped down the laptop screen. She wanted to yell at Nick, tell him to stop asking so many damn questions. “It’s just a way to distract myself, that’s all. It’s got nothing to do with the Frenchman, or his big dick, or the fact that every woman he touches convulses in orgasmic bliss.”

    “Is that supposed to make me feel better?”

    “What I mean is I don’t watch the Frenchman because I want to fuck the Frenchman; I watch him because I wish I could be the Frenchman.”

    Nick grabbed her hand and pulled her down on the bed.

    “What are you doing?”

    “I love you, Sabi.” He tugged at the towel wrapped around her body.

    On her back, she looked up at his serious face, feeling surprised. He covered her lips with his.

    It was not the kiss of a loving husband or a frightened man. This was a darker, more deliberate kiss. Not emotional, but raw and carnal, like he couldn’t get enough of her. She gave herself up to it. Let him take her. He pushed his way inside her. It was like nothing they had ever shared before. It was rough and dirty.

    Sabi left the bed after it was over and took another shower. She dressed and threw some mascara and blush on her face. She picked the Monet print silk scarf to wear, the one with the water lilies.

    “You look pretty,” Nick said when she walked out into the living room.

    “We should get going,” she said, stopping by the mirror on the wall to put on some red lipstick. She put the laptop inside her tote bag and reached for Nick’s outstretched hand.


    “The Frenchman” was first published as “Sex for the Living” in Literary Orphans. Year Two, Issue 8.

  • Three Poems – Angela Bronx Johnson

    Three Poems – Angela Bronx Johnson

    1989

    Sprawled and limp on the                                            limp and
    stained linoleum floor                                                  stained
    she sits beside the door                                                 she sits

    shattered                                                                      Shattered.

    halfway between motherhood                                      between motherhood
    and dolls, she should                                                   and dolls. Should she
    hope and dream                                                          Hope. Dream. 

    but she wants Momma back                                        But she wants
    not the shell, nestled on her lap                                   her.
    ashed-over lips and black-rimmed eyes                        And
    she wanted her back                                                    wanted her    

    without welted-belt-buckled arms                               without buckled
    without opaque eyes and pin-pricked marks                eyes and marks.
    she gathers their bodies together                                  she
    on toned legs she starts                                                starts     
    to push up                                                                            to push.        
    from years of lifting her                                                                      lifting.
                 in between momma’s coming and going         come.
    on nights like these                                                      on.
    she pleads with Momma                                              momma.
    come back, but she is met                                            come.
    with opaque eyes on silence                                         on.

    Day 1

    Morning came,
    peaked over buildings,
    parted my,
    curtains-open
    to breeze
    to you
    smiles, cushions

    underneath sheets
    hands tangled
    backs-butts-breasts-bare

    beneath it all
    tangled legs
    long and lean, 
    lingers with lust

    before long  
    we peak out
    over the edge
    beyond the ledge

    the landscape
    an entwined color mosaic
    dark-denim-purple-patches

    night has come

    Home

    (for Nikki Giovanni)

    I remember … there was once a time …  I wanted to be you …. wanted to Afro-out my life … color my brown face … black … red … green … I thought it would make you happy … this rebel child … who taught … apartheid … Rap Brown … who stopped processing her hair … because I knew it had … institutionalized my mind … my appearance … changed my spirit … to the always-wanting-to-be … instead of the … I am … thought it would show dedication … prove to you … to myself … that I was … a writer … and a feminist … an educator … a revolutionary … not only on the weekends …  and I remembered … that being me … meant that I was you … coming from Knoxville and The Bronx … both 28 and 68 … knowing too much … having digested too little … brown locks with speckles of … gray … and journeys …and hope … I began to remember …  to understand … to write … and write … not of only burning … pink … ribbons … frills … and the flag … but how to imprint myself … on someone … some child … as you have … left a tattoo … of love … of knowing…. and I realized that … without this thing … of stage … of voice … of tradition … I had no voice …  could be silenced … could be cast … only black … only female … only able to ribbon my poems with kisses …  instead I know… and dream … and have awakened dreams … they speak through me … from voices of women before … women to come … I make my contribution … I take up my pen …

  • Maladjusted Techies Gone Wild

    Maladjusted Techies Gone Wild

    “Who would like to start?” Michael says as he taps his pencil on his notepad. 

    Alexandra reaches into her purse, grabs a journal and holds it triumphantly into the air and exclaims, “I will start.”

    I recognize my journal and sink into my chair. The journal contains an idea I once had for a work of satire, maybe for the theatre, perhaps the big screen. I was sure my Orwellian piece would go further than my now estranged wife using it against me in couple’s therapy.

    She shows the cover to Michael, our therapist, and I cringe. What must he be thinking as he reads, “The Butt Sniffer.” written in black marker.

     “Nick told me,” she says in a voice that sounded rehearsed, “I don’t know, what’s it’s been now, for close to a year, huh, Nick? That he was going to stop paying his credit cards go so he can work on his writing, to follow his dreams, to show our kids what it means to sacrifice for… what did you call it Nick? A higher vision? What was it Nick? That without paying your credit card bills you would have more time to write?” 

     “Michael, can we start with a feeling check in?” I say. “Maybe we can all begin with “I” statements. Here’s mine: I feel violated… give me my fucking journal.” I spring from my chair and snatch it out of her hands.

    “See Michael, see this is Nick. It’s scary.”

    “You bring my journal into therapy!”

    “Alright, alright, everybody, let’s calm down. Let’s regroup.” 

    “She thinks this notebook is some kind of indictment on my character. Why don’t we read it out loud, so we can all be the judge  –“

             “I don’t – “ Michael says. 

    “No.” I say, interrupting him. “Thank you, Michael but no. This is client-driven therapy and I will read my journal like Alexandra wants.”

             Alexandra folds her arms and looks at me like I am filth.

    I begin with my Acknowledgement Page. Thank you and fuck you very much to Care Credit – you predatory-lending, high interest bastards so I could get my teeth fixed. Fuck you and Thank you Costco Card for all the diapers and baby wipes. Thank-you Visa Platinum and any creditor I forgot. Debt is an illusion and means nothing to me. I shall not pay thee.

    Dedication Page. I dedicate this work to my children. Kids, it is more important to be creative than kill yourself working to pay off credit card debt.

      I clear my throat and begin with both pride and trepidation.

    There was this… this creature… this girl, this woman running around with a child having fun, laughing, swinging, playing. I knew right away she wasn’t the mother because what mom at Lafayette Park in Low Pac Heights acts so spontaneous, free and joyful? To be fair, what dad does? And she had these–I don’t know what they were–some kind of workout pants or something. But they outlined a young, round healthy backside and you could almost, well you could damn near see her ass through her pants. 

    I witnessed three dads in the span of a half an hour stumble over to where she was and strike up a conversation with her. Yeah, whatever, not me. She said something to my Angela. And then to me. I remained (seemingly) aloof. We left. 

    That night I thought about that ass and prayed. I prayed earnestly to Jesus. Not to the evangelical Christian Jesus but to the mystical Jesus who whispered into the ears of a Jewish, atheistic Professor of Medical Psychology. That persistent, nail-biting Jesus whispered into the good doctor’s ears for a period of over seven years in iambic pentameter until the metaphysical masterpiece A Course in Miracles was completed. Nothing real can be threatened. Nothing unreal exists. Herein lies the peace of God is what Jesus said. Meaning this world ain’t shit. 

    I went to the bathroom and got on my knees resting my arms on the toilet clasping my hands together in the prayer position. Oh Lord Jesus, I know that that sweet ass does not truly exist. But I sure do believe it does. Please show me the way through that butt. Amen. And Jesus, if the way out of the butt is through the butt, well, I will accept whatever mission you have in store for me.

    The vibe in the room is riveting.  I think I have captured my listeners’ attention.  Ha.  Reading my notes for a screenplay in therapy!  I win again.  Oh, how I love myself. 

    I clear my throat: 

    The Butt Sniffer by Nick Freeman.

    Synopsis: The city of San Francisco is plagued with fear and chaos thanks to a demented, maladjusted techie. A coder or developer (it is believed) has been going around the city pulling down the pants of women or lifting their skirts, smelling their asses and running away. He usually strikes during morning commute times and it is believed that after he commits his crime he then runs to a waiting Facebook or Google commuter bus and makes a luxurious, air-conditioned, Wi-Fi enabled getaway to Silicon Valley.

    I look up and Michael is looking down writing notes. I hope he doesn’t think I am the butt sniffer and is deliberating whether or not to report me to the authorities. Who would pick up Angela at preschool if I were in jail? I continue:

    The mayor has seized this opportunity to divert the public’s attention from the housing crisis and growing income inequalities which make the city unaffordable for the working class, teachers and, public servants. The mayor holds press conferences relating to The Butt Sniffer, admonishes the tech community for their culture of sexism, praises the SFPD for their progress on the case, and thanks to the good citizens of San Francisco for coming together and rallying against The Butt Sniffer.

    The Chief of Police introduces the lead detective to a room full of patrol cops–a transgender (F to M) from Germany who speaks four languages and is on methadone for chronic hip pain. A former child and teenage prostitute in Berlin, Detective Lamb is mocked by his peers.  Detective Lamb stands, introduces himself and when he addresses the nature of the crimes, he involuntarily twitches his nose. This involuntary action of Detective Lamb will become uh… the butt of many jokes among the red-blooded butt patrol officers. 

    The national media has been camping out at City Hall, The Mission and SOMA, interviewing victims, witnesses and residents. One male reporter from FOX News is ostracized for asking one of the victims who was wearing a skirt at the time of the incident if the perpetrator actually touched her. “So, when he put his head underneath your skirt and sniffed did he make any skin contact at all?” The impetus being perhaps a crime was not committed. Is it really a crime to approach a skirt, peer underneath and inhale through the nostrils? FOX News, under pressure, fires the reporter but he quickly lands a job with Breitbart.

     I clear my throat again. Michael is looking at me and I think, but am not sure, that he is smirking. I feel so stimulated by my screenplay pitch. I am actually grateful Alexandra brought it the session. I decide not to embarrass her by asking her if she sees the irony in her bringing my screenplay to the session when she, not too long ago – before my credit was shot to hell – asked if I would finance a pair of butt implants. It’s all coming together now. Like butt cheeks squished in a pair of yoga pants:

    Somewhere in the city, a client has told his therapist that although he is a highly paid tech employee, he does not know how to interact with women and wishes he could just make out with their sweet asses. Like ‘just make out with a butt for like an hour,’ he says. And talk to it. He feels he could really open up to a woman and make progress as an individual if he could just process his fears and insecurities while kissing and licking an ass. The therapist does not know if he should report his client to the authorities and makes a mental note to confer with a colleague.

             I look up at Michael.  “Divinely channeled material, everybody.”  I’m such a liar.  Well, maybe everything is channeled from an abstract collective mind and downloaded to our individual brains.  Through that lens, I speak the truth.  Alexandra’s arms are still folded and her legs are crossed.  She looks at me like I am the anti-Christ.  I look back at Michael.  I get the sense he is deliberating on what to say. Meanwhile:

    Kim Kardashian has come to town in the name of activism, social justice, and me-tooism. She publicly taunts the butt sniffer to come do his thing in The Mission after she eats a carne asada burrito at a Taqueria. This causes a backlash, as…

              “Okay, Nick, I think we get the picture.” Michael says loudly. 

    “No.” I say, “Alexandra wanted this.  We are going to finish.  And it’s very therapeutic for me to do this. I have never shared my idea with anybody until now. And ultimately it is about looking at my own thoughts, attitudes and, beliefs in order to become a better man and father to my children, my daughter especially.”  I say. 

    I’ve got the decoupling therapy session in the palm of my hands.  “As an example of my growth, I used to resent Alexandra for watching The Kardashians. Then I realized it is all simply material for my own change, creativity and, transformation. Thank you, Alexandra.”  I say in a pious voice and bow my head, again redirecting my focus:

    A gay men’s group has petitioned City Hall demanding a public park be opened that makes it legal for consenting adults to sniff each other’s asses. The lesbian community is outraged and old wounds between the two communities are reopened. The Detective Lamb of dog jokes make the rounds.

    A group of citizens filed a billion-dollar class action lawsuit against multiple tech companies. Their claim is that they do not feel safe on the city streets and have developed PTSD-related symptoms. Tech, the lawsuit claims, has allowed a toxic, sexist culture to thrive, and it has oozed out into the streets and created The Butt Sniffer. A group of mental health workers hired as expert witnesses for the case has demanded the American Psychiatric Association add PTBSD (Post Traumatic Butt Sniffing Disease) to the DSM (Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders).

    Copycat Butt Sniffers have surfaced and now the city has multiple young white maladjusted techies going around San Francisco smelling women’s asses.

    A feminist group plans a parade with blow-up butts and signs such as ‘Come smell this’ with a big turd coming out of a giant inflatable ass. 

    The far-right attorney general is licking his chops as discussions in Washington involve sending in the National Guard to keep San Francisco safe from all the butt-sniffing going on around town. Once the Guard is in San Francisco they will have no problem infiltrating less liberal cities and the dystopian vision of America as a totalitarian police state will be closer to fruition. The deep state toasts The Butt Sniffer.

             I stop reading, spent, awash in a scene of achievement with even greater potential. “You get the gist. It is actually a pro-feminist, a pro-social justice piece of umm… satire.”

    “It’s ridiculous!” Alexandra says, “And such a waste of time.  There is no way a Hollywood studio would ever want to turn your disgusting little screenplay into a movie.”

             I ponder sharing my film production company idea. BackItUp Productions. A collective of progressive filmmakers who are committed to their craft, who take the principles of movements seriously, while maintaining a general attitude of irreverence towards anything of this world. Non-dual filmmaking.  

    I look over at Michael and am pleased to see the corners of his lips curl upwards and for half a second, he actually chuckles. I win again. I am not a loser.

             “Michael! He’s sick. He is so sick.” Alexandra says, her face red with anger. 

    Michael looks stumped.  I feel a little disturbed.  Are we hopeless?  Have Alexandra and I reached a point where a therapist can’t even help us break up? Did he just give us up by laughing?

    “Nick, you will eventually be looking for an apartment or room to rent soon.  How do you think your now low credit score will affect you getting permanent housing?” Michael asks.

    “Yeah, Nick, how do you think this will affect our children? You blowing off your credit so you can write screenplays about guys going around smelling asses. What is wrong with you?”

    Stimulated by the first public reading of my unfinished screenplay, I check out of the session and daydream of new scenes. I hope Michael doesn’t try to steal my idea.  Maybe I should not have abandoned it.

  • Pete’s Underpants (three fragments)

     One. 

    It occurred to him to make up his bed, throw the maroon duvet on and get under it, take a sleeping pill. It was 4.55pm and still light outside, his mind drifted onto a scene from Place Vendome, the 1998 film, directed by Nicole Garcia and starring Catherine Deneuve, as a rich, troubled, alcoholic wife of a diamond merchant; in the film she wears endless Yves Saint Laurent raincoats, a black one, a red one, then a grey one, she smokes incessantly and takes sleeping pills, attends dinner parties, secretly guzzling dregs from the other guests wine glasses. Every time she passes a mirror, she stops, tilts her head to one side and makes a little snort of self disgust … on the staircase of a clinic where she goes to dry out, in beautifully subdued lighting, the camera passes over the paper planes of her face and for about fifteen seconds she looks like Michael Jackson … 

    Two. 

    Something I’ve never noticed before in the photo of you in the metal frame on my bedside cabinet—I’ve seen that photo probably every day and night for twenty years and I’ve never noticed before … an orange glow hovering just above your left ear. In the photograph I’m always drawn to the eyes first, then to your sun browned arms leaning on the table, the sleeves of your white t-shirt and the blue of the thermal vest, they all seem to heighten, compliment each other: back to the eyes that are creased in a smile, I can see a pause behind whatever you were thinking at that second, then you fixed a friendly but detached gaze at the person taking the photo—8×5 fuji color snap; your left eye seems to twinkle with mischief, while the right eye reads worried … 

    Three. 

    Catherine Deneuve stands by the window in a green crushed velvet dressing gown, she’s smoking one those long dark cigarettes—a Nat Sherman, I think. She crosses to the bed, sits on the edge and rolls her tights down to a pile on the rug, lies back on the bed and mutters something like “le vache” then curls up in a fetal position and asks, “rub my feet, will you?’’ to a man in the room. She tells him she called him because she didn’t want to be alone, she was drunk and had taken a couple of sleeping pills. She does virtually the same scene again towards the end of the film in a hotel room by the sea with a different man: grey raincoat, cigarette, glass of water, takes two sleeping pills, telling the man, “Ah, but I won’t sleep.’’ He says, “Why take them, then?’’ She replies, “Oh you know, old habits.’’ 

  • Shoes

    Shoes

    Tiziano Colibazzi was in my class at The New School this spring. He was doing a dual degree in poetry and non-fiction in the M.F.A. program. Early on, I learned that he was a psychoanalyst. We spoke briefly, once, on a street corner, about his life, but that now seems like a luxury. Covid hit; we were on Zoom. In those squares. I recall Tiziano gesticulating that he was losing his mind, with the kids home all day—home schooling—he had seven-year-old twins he shared with his ex-husband.  If they come out of their room,” he said, “I may have to go to them.” And they did. “They are very very curious,” he said. I recall heads bobbing up and down, just below the threshold of the screen. Eyes wide open. Sometimes, they fell asleep there, on his lap, one on each side, as class continued into the night. I’ll never forget those squares—it felt as though we were all on a lifeboat, through the roughest of seas; if any one of us seemed to be falling in, arms would reach to pull them back… And all around, there was so much suffering and death. 

    “Shoes” was Tiziano’s final piece for the class. It took my breath away. He beautifully invents a form when words fail, when a trauma is so deep, so obscene, it cannot be held… There’s something astonishing in the movement of the piece, as it enacts the experience of post-traumatic stress. And he reminds us of what happens if we do not remain vigilant–act up, speak out… As I read it, I returned to that place where as a child, I could not find words. And then I experienced waves of grief, for lovers and friends—and humankind—through AIDS and Covid…

    Zia Jaffrey, author of The Invisibles: A Tale of the Eunuchs of India, professor in The New School’s MFA program, and contributor to Toni Morrison: The Last Interview and Other Conversations (forthcoming, Melville House)

    Schwarze Milch der Frühe wir trinken sie abends

    “Black milk of the morning we drink it in the evening”

    — from “Todesfuge” by Paul Celan

    I. Beginnings

    Mine is not a fetish, yet my relationship with shoes is older than my memories.

    I would call it a strained relationship, occasionally acrimonious, with its ebbs and flows. It has fallen prey to infatuations and fads, family conflicts and bouts of masochistic self-deprivation.  I have suffered blisters and taken them in stride as a price to pay for elegance, I have rebelled against the unspoken mandate to keep the heels from showing the stigmata of use, the gnawing at the edge which exposes the wood under the rubber, and belies the sloppy moral fiber of a neglectful attire.

    At least that is what some people say in Italy.

    My mother used to say—and still does—that I go through shoes like rolls of toilet paper. She used to blame my posture and way of walking or standing, supposedly inherited from my father in a straightforward Mendelian fashion, for the fact that after a month one heel was considerably more worn out than the other and that the tips where damaged.

    “You keep dropping and dragging the tip of your foot!” All my sins were on display. I guess she thought she could fully understand people’s personalities from their shoes, in the same way that the old phrenologists classified characters by looking at the shape of someone’s head.

    Despite, or rather in opposition to these injunctions, I proudly owned only one pair of shoes throughout my last year of high school. The left rubber sole had a hole right where the arch was supposed to find support, a capital sin in the world of flat-footed people. I am not sure what drove this experiment in Franciscan virtue, beyond my wish to push the lack of financial means we suffered during those years to its limit so that it could become a sign of honor.

    When I moved to the US, my relationship with shoes slowly became more practical. The winters were harsher and it was not possible to wear shoes conceived for a Mediterranean climate in the arctic temperatures of Chicago winters. The snow would wet the flimsy hand-stitched soles, seep through them and imbibe my socks, which would end up feeling like frozen gloves. I had no other choice: I would put my Italian shoes in a bag and change once I got to the hospital. I opted during my commute for a pair of white Adidas, which jarred with my suit as I waited on the L platform. I felt thrilled by this freedom: nobody seemed to care or to look at me with disapproving glances.

    I could not escape the fact that I was born and lived for twenty-five years in Italy, a place where shoes are a proxy measure for being a “put-together” human being, that my father’s family comes from that region of central Italy mostly connected to shoe-making, the Marche region, that my aunt owned for some time a shoe store in one of the banlieues of Rome and that my cousin Francesca, her daughter, was deprived of “real” shoes as a child, having to wear “corrective” ones for years, supposedly to address her flat foot problems. Of course, these therapeutic shoes did not come in fashionable designs or pleasing colors. Rather, they seemed to be manufactured with the sole intent of mortifying vanity, a modern equivalent of the hair shirt, looking like a leather black box promising future salvation in exchange for present suffering.

    Francesca used to look on with envy and frustration like the Little Match Girl in Andersen’s story when new samples of women’s shoes would arrive at her mother’s store. She’d touch the glossy heels, draw slingbacks with her crayons during the boring afternoons doing homework behind the counter. She is an attorney today. Last time I visited her in her new apartment, once we had finished dinner, she proudly walked me to what she’d call “The Room.” A long walk-in closet of curved shape, such as you can only find in old buildings in Italy, stacked up to the ceiling with shoes, arranged like books on shelves, none of them in boxes, with the only purpose of being admired and of providing a belated revenge to their owner for her childhood torment. I thought, why not put some exemplars on a coffee table in the dining room, like one of those Taschen books which saves one from stale dinner conversations. I asked Francesca how often she’d wear them. She picked up one of her favorite pairs, some leather shoes with crisscross black and white stripes, heels covered by a print evoking an inverted Tour Eiffel: stroking it like a pet, she said wistfully: “Maybe once a year, I do not want them to get ruined.”

    Shoes fall into the category where we put parts of our life that are essential and never think about until we lose them: parents, water, marriages, and health. Just like with everything that one takes for granted, the most fundamental aspect of these chiral man-made objects escaped me. I never fully appreciated their tragic side or the survival advantage they confer, till I went on a trip with my sister Carmen in 2012. Carmen wanted to relocate to Berlin, due to the lack of job opportunities in Rome. I had planned to help her, hoping that with my financial and moral support, she would eventually find her way in Germany, whose economy was booming.

    At that time, I had begun to read books on the history of same-sex relationships. I bought my first one the previous winter after I visited the Homomonument in Amsterdam: three pink triangles commemorating the victims of the Holocaust. I do not remember much of that particular trip. I have been to Amsterdam multiple times since then. I know it was freezing because my feet kept bothering me. I know I thought of buying sturdier shoes there but preferred to ride out the discomfort and go for books, as if books and shoes, head and feet, had to compete with one another.

    I told Carmen I was going to make a point of visiting each Denkmal in Berlin as well as Sachsenhausen, a KZ, or concentration camp, known for its sadistic treatment of homosexual prisoners, also known as pink triangles, during WWII.  These were the Schuhläufer, prisoners forced to soften the boots and shoes produced for the German army by marching for hours along the inner perimeter of the KZ. The experience of one of these KZ prisoners, Joseph Kohut, is the subject of the memoir Die Männer mit dem rosa Winkel  (The Men with the Pink Triangle) written by Hans Neumann under the pseudonym of Heinz Heger and published in 1972. Few remember today that this is the reason why the pink triangle later became the emblem of the LGBTQ+ community. Young men, raised in the comfort of Mitteleuropa, were arrested under the infamous Paragraph 175 that punished  homosexuality in the German Reich, frequently tortured, and then shipped to the camps to be Schuhläufer.

    II  Schuhläufer

    A Denkmal is not a memorial, and it is not a monument. It is the embodiment of Time which has become Thought and occupies a finite portion of Space: Denk (thinking, thought) + Mal (time/s). This composite word strikes me as very German: you do not re-member an event. You need to think about it.

    I pick up on my way out from the Sachsenhausen KZ a copy of Heger’s ’s book. A passage strikes me as the kernel of the story of the “pink triangles”: forced fellatio. Forced, as it were, because fellatio is really what the prisoners wanted after all. Every homosexual prisoner, or any homosexual for that matter, should feel honored to suck any straight man, even a convicted murderer. And, of course, a few beatings may make one more compliant.

    Mit Püffen und Schlägen zwangen sie mich dann, da ich mich nicht freiwillig dazu bereitfand, abwechselnd an ihrem Glied zu saugen, das sie in meinem Mund pressten.” 

    “Then they forced me with blows and beatings, because I was not freely willing to suck, taking turns between one and the other, their member, which they pressed in my mouth.”

    III  Après-Coup

    Carmen and I come back to Berlin. We have spent an entire day in Oranienburg, where the Sachsehausen KZ is located. Exhausted, yet unexpectedly unperturbed, we decide to head for a restaurant in Gendarmenmarkt.

    In Sachsenhausen the poplars shudder                      with their shawls of snow 

     

    we looked at one another:                                   “We thought we’d feel much worse.”

     

    A heavy air

                     drips

                               down

                                       on our

                                           restaurant libations: 

     

    we were staring at the plates:                                                 our puny conversation

    our meal

      

                                                                             had                                                         no

     

    worthy                 

                                                                                                      purpose,

         

                                                   no

     

                        meaning                                                                                            no

     

                                                          

           courage                                        no                        dignity                                           no

     

     

    context                          or                                                 voice                                                   no

     

                                                                          rest. 

     

    I’d left my ration of words outside 
    the gate; I’ve none to spare.

    Blood still trickles through the gravel 
    in this neutral zone near 
    the wall of bricks, hundreds of ashen
    bricks kneaded by the fear 

    of being shot through the feet,
    then march in vain with boots
    of plywood: wounds that will not
    heal. It could have 

    been me: a Schuhläufer 
    marching and testing 
    boots, till my feet are 
    too maimed to be of use

                                                              to the shoe factories

    How am I to approach the KZ topic? Verse, prose, a power point?  Some say we should not speak at all, let alone write, about these matters. How are we to never forget then? Illogically, being gay seems to give me a complete pass: I can write or speak with “authority” about gay victims —not the other ones, of course—without being accused of appropriating, misappropriating, banalizing, or even worse defiling other peoples’ tragedy.

    It’s all about playing the “gay card.”

    IV    Denkmal Pilgrimage in Berlin (2012)

    I happened to be in Berlin with my sister Carmen. We just arrived, she from Rome, I from New York. We plan our day. My sister says, resisting my attempts to create a day schedule for our Berlin pilgrimage: “So very American” she adds, “always having to make the day  “PRO-DU-CTIVE.”

    In fact, I tell her, the way to cope with terrifying chimeras has always been to make
    them quotidian. That’s how people survive. The blending of triviality 
    into memories renders them inoffensive, a vaccination of sorts against forgetting.

    She doesn’t buy it. How can you make tourism out of it? Horror in a to-do list? I ignore her and look over travel guide suggestions:

    Denkmäler: Saturday morning

    Breakfast at our Luxury Hotel (Starwood collection)

    1 Gedenkstätte Sachsenhausen

    Lunch break 12:30–13:30 on your own.

    We recommend bringing a lunch box.

    (Oranienburg is a ghost city, reminds me of Decatur, Illinois)

    2 Denkmal für die ermordeten Juden Europas (Memorial to the Murdered Jews of Europe)

    3 Denkmal für die im Nationalsozialismus verfolgten Homosexuellen (Memorial to homosexuals persecuted under National Socialism)

    4 Denkmal für die im Nationalsozialismus ermordeten Sinti und Roma Europas (Monument to the Sinti and Roma of Europe murdered during National Socialism)

    5 Spa appointment, Sofitel am Gendarmenmarkt 18:30 – 19:30

    6 Dinner at Lutter & Wegner am Gendarmenmarkt  21:00

    The hotel staff gently advises: “We do not recommend visiting all these sites in one day. Your list is ambitious but I understand you want your day to be productive.”

    V  Sachsenhausen

    Leafing through Kohut’s memoir, I read the entire piece while I am on the U-Bahn. I read in a desultory manner. From the middle, from the end, never from the beginning and always without committing. Fragments flash before my eyes in a confusion of time lines. I am too overwhelmed by the KZ to even attempt to stitch all this into any narrative or care about verb tenses being consistent. Kohut’s story is just one of many I imagine: Heinrich, Franz, Ludwig, Stefan and countless others.

    1937 Ludwig is from Münster. Thirty-two years old, architect, 64.0 kg, 1.64 meters. Brought overnight. Arrested under Paragraph 175—Der § 175 des deutschen Strafgesetzbuches—the law punishing sodomy. His ex-lover turned him over.

    The paragraph reads: Die widernatürliche Unzucht, welche zwischen Personen männlichen Geschlechts oder von Menschen mit Thieren begangen wird, ist mit Gefängniß zu bestrafen; auch kann auf Verlust der bürgerlichen Ehrenrechte erkannt werden. (The unnatural fornication which is committed between persons of the male sex or of men with animals must be punished by imprisonment; also it can be punished with loss of civil rights.)

    1937 Sanchsenhausen KZ; this ought to be a resting place: Ludwig crossed the iron gate. A motivational banner wrought in Gothic Script, the hope of freedom in exchange for labor.

    “Arbeit macht frei”

    The silent air of glass scratched rarely by sharp and lightning shrieks. Limes, Liminal, Limit, Great Wall, The Wall, Boundary, Hortus Conclusus, cloister of cruelty. What is commonplace outside, grows absurd inside. Absurd = Ab-Surdus. Out of tune, dissonant or deaf to reason. Not simply contrary to reason, but reasoning impermeable to sound and speech in the sense of Logos.

    1938 Schuhläufer Kommando. The prisoners march along the perimeter of hopelessness, toeing the outer bound of an island of barbed folly. They are testing combat shoes for straight soldiers till the leather is softened enough by the blisters of their feet. Sores dried with the gravel and the ashen dust falling down from a grey infinity. Can they march with two left shoes? With a fractured foot? A gunshot below the heel? One by one these hypotheses must be tested. On them. At dusk, back to the wooden clogs. No socks. No blankets—in order to prevent sex in the barracks. Splinters of wood lodge under nailbeds. Open wounds are dull on hard wood. Maximum duration of stay for the Häftlinge is six months to a year. With one exception: the Pink Triangles. They die faster. Refractory cases are sent for medical emasculation or forced copulation with the opposite gender.

    2012 Sachsenhausen Wet and cold feet. I tell my sister I should have worn better shoes, sturdier shoes. Nothing makes you feel lonelier and more naked than wet shoes and wet linen socks in November. A hole in the left wooden sole, right in the middle, soaks the entire leather. Primo Levi said that if you were given two choices in life, food or shoes, you always ought to choose shoes.

    1945 Ludwig released from KZ to a Berlin in ruins.

    1946 Stuttgart  Ludwig deemed not a real victim. His pension was denied. Compensation not applicable. Absurd to pay a non-victim. Either you are a victim or you are not. It’s quite binary. Since homosexuality is still punishable, he is still a criminal.

    1947 Mannheim  § 175 Redux. Ludwig is back to prison under Parapgraph 175. Time spent in Sachsenhausen does not count towards his punishment for what brought him to the KZ. He must still pay. Therefore, he should go back to prison and do the entire jail time.

    VI  Denkmal für die im Nationalsozialismus verfolgten Homosexuellen

    2015 Ebertstraße, Berlin. Denkmal für die ermordeten Juden Europas and right across the street Denkmal für die im Nationalsozialismus verfolgten Homosexuellen.

    The Denkmal across this street                             is worlds away from that more official site

     

    with spartan slabs of grey concrete                        waves for what remains of the murdered

     

    hands of Europe. The other site grabs                  me from across the street, purposefully

     

    absconded among the bushes.                               Inside the solid block are scenes of guilty

     

    longings, silent kisses, cached                                recordings of illegal loves visible             

     

                                   through the aperture in the concrete closet.

    VII  Fire Island, Pines.

    The high tea scene in the Pines is de rigueur. I have not been here in years. Today, I notice that the drag code has been democratized. One does not need the whole dress and wig thing, which is great but time-intensive. Some guys wear pashminas over a polo, others carry a fan or purse while dressed in an otherwise more gender-conforming style. A burly man is dancing next to me, while I speak to my friend Don, who notices that nowadays just a pop of drag is finally within everybody’s reach. This man’s eyes are closed, and he appears to be in mystical communion with Deborah Cox’s Remix playing loudly.  He is wearing a black tank-top and some swimwear, reminding me of a Tom of Finland image, sort of the hyper-masculine Pines beach butch guy. I look down at the floorboard and realize that he is pirouetting on a pair of vinyl crimson-red high heel shoes, proud to “mix it up,” wearing them like an amulet, as if whispering to everyone around: I do not give a fuck. After all shoes can also be subversive.

    Bibliography

    Triangle rose    Michel Dufranne, Milorad Vicanovic, Christian Lerolle. Quadrant Astrolabe, 2011

    Die Männer mit dem rosa Winkel  Heinz Heger.  Merlin Verlag

    Triangle Rose   Régis Schlagdenhauffen. Éditeur Autrement, 2011

    Images Sources

    Image 1     https://joepwritesthehistoryofberlin.wordpress.com/2013/02/15/sachsenhau…

  • Maxwell Street Follies

    Maxwell Street Follies

    “The starting point of critical elaboration is the consciousness of what one really is: ‘knowing thyself’ as a product of the historical process to date, which has deposited in you an infinity of traces, without leaving an inventory.”

    Antonio Gramsci, The Prison Notebooks

    Just past midnight on a muggy night in 1984, three Parisian squatters stood around a kerosene lantern plotting adverse possession in the leaky third floor of a tenement building in Montmartre.

    “Where did you put the sign up?” asked Valery, tugging on his young, dark black beard as his elbow rested on a stack of several antiquated law books.

    “I put a sign on a shopping cart in behind old number seven, that says that I own the property,” said an old folk artist with a cracked voice named Papa Gounod.

    “Good,” said Valery, rattling his fingers on the scarred barrister’s bookshelf that served as a tabletop. He inwardly wondered whether the good Old Man had used the appropriate legal description, ‘Lot 17 of

    Parcel 225,’ or latitude and longitude, or some other method to identify the exact location of Gounod’s adversely possessed parcel. He inhaled a lungful of marijuana and breathed it out voluminously. The vapors hung in the mildewy darkness as the lamp puffed fumes across the open brick room and toward an open window, through which a pale moon shown wanly through scattered clouds over a carnival skyscape.

    “Well, your sign most likely won’t change the matter very much for us,” Valery said at last. In English law countries, that might make a difference, but in France, alas, it’s different,” explained Valery. “There is no reference to this problem in either the Salic Law, or the Napoleonic Code, of course. However, since we have been here for much longer than two days, our settlement cannot be considered a breach of the public order; therefore, the police cannot evict us, unless the City first resorts to the civil courts. That’s why old Gounod received his eviction notice. And while any eviction proceedings may be lengthy, the outcome could never be in any doubt, as his mere possession does nothing to establish his ownership to the property,” said Valery. “Ordinarily, we could be reduced to the usual settlement: agree on a bail precaire with our building’s rightful owners, or perhaps reach an agreement to legalize our settlements with the Minister of Culture,” he said. “But in our case, our situation may be even graver.”“What do you mean?” demanded Jean-Claude.

    “They may even try to dissolve our organization ex nunc,” said Valery ruefully. “The aim that was connatural to the association when it was registered in 1960, the raison d’être for the coming-together of its members, was the operation of ‘Livres de Conscience’- the bookstore now operated by Heathcliff Waite- by the Committees of Conscience, on behalf of political prisoners. But the Committee stopped meeting in the early ‘60s, and Heathcliff Waite turned the bookstore into a conventional business.”

    Weakly, dreadlocked old Papa Gounod tapped the lantern. “But I think I fixed that problem,” he wheezed, wiping off his dirty finger and pointing it at an open law book. “Since you told us that adverse possession \is the law in English countries, I put my sign up on Guy Fawkes Day.”

    Suddenly, out of the darkness reared a fourth bearded man, Bougard, whose beard had grown yellow with lamp oil. “Connard!” he roared. “You heard him! You won’t last another year in this neighborhood, Old Man, ever since you took Clarence Darrow and her kittens. You’ve let the water run from the tap in that yard for almost two months now, and it’s breeding mosquitoes in the tire collection. You won’t last another month, with your shopping carts and your onion boxes! They say Butterfly Bill’s coming back! 

    The foursome grew quiet at the mention of the adopted son of Heathcliff Waite, the bookstore operator. The smoking kerosene lamp swung silently in the smelly shadows.

      #

    Early the next morning, a grim young man with a red beard and wearing a backpack debarked from a train at the Gare Montmartre. He passed the other travelers, en route to their morning espresso or to the metro. During his seven-year absence, the platform had been renovated in late 1940s style, and a loudpseaker blared the Rolling Stones version of ‘Love in Vain.’ Without pausing or turning, Bill Waite vomited into a waste can, and left the station. As he marched robustly along the boardwalk that ran beside the amusement park rides lining the Normandy shore, Bill gazed over the ocean, like some modern-day Constantine, at an image that seemed to hover above the horizon: the adoring face and long blonde hair of Dian Fossey. He had just left his mentor, murdered and now buried on a Rwandan mountain, a week before.

    From the train station, Bill heard the refrain of the song: “All my love’s in vain.” Strutting past the rats that scurried among the abandoned carnival prizes, Bill came to a small concrete plaza at the end of the boardwalk. Peering over the guardrail at the end of the plaza, he could see some distance into the outlying reaches of Paris. There, in the distance on the side of Montmartre, lay the street on which Bill had grown up. Yes, there he could see it, just behind the Place Pigalle: Rue Maxwell, the birthplace of northern Europe’s electric blues scene.

    Peering at the side of the hill in the distance, Bill began to wonder for the first time if he were well. He thought he spied an elf, in a powdered white 18th century barrister’s wig, standing atop a 200-foot-tall ladder, carrying two hefty boxes, one beneath each arm, at a great height. A bearded troll stood at the bottom, pelting the elf and cursing.

    The troll spoke, and snatches of his words came obscurely to Bill’s ear, but the word ‘harlequin’was the only word he made out. Then the troll threw back his right arm and hurled a square object to the top of the ladder, which struck the wigged figure, who wavered, still clutching the two heavy plywood boxes, as the ladder began to vibrate. Bill ran breathlessly the last mile-and-a-half to the Rue Maxwell.

    But when he arrived, it was not the faerie village of his childhood, both synthetic and whimsical, but a smoking ruin of hovels. The field of sunflowers had been razed, and the goldfish pond filled with motor oil. The street where he had been raised as a child was turned into a skeleton, like a set of punched out and broken teeth, blackened with tobacco smoke. In a corner of the lot Bill spied a very fresh-looking tombstone. The immense ladder that had been perched against the side of the ancient warehouse at 5112 Rue Maxwell had fallen to the ground. Books littered the ground, and Heathcliff was nowhere to be seen.

    “Dad?” Bill said.

    At that moment, his ex-roommate and fellow communard, Bougard, who looked like a troll, lunged around the corner with a fresh armload of books. “Ca va, citoyen?” Bill asked.

    “Your putain father, that’s what, ‘Butterfly!’” taunted Bougard. “Think you’ll take all my books, eh? It looks like you forgot one last book, Jacobin. En garde!” He hurled a pocket size version of the Audubon Society’s ‘Field Guide to Butterflies,’ with its sturdy plastic cover, which struck Bill in the forehead, knocking him unconscious.

    #

    He always hated to be called ‘Butterfly,’ so much so that in his adolescence he changed his name to ‘Bill.’ It reminded him of his Mere, Bianca, who left Marseilles in 1962 on a tour of European communes. She fell in love with the Rue Maxwell, but tragically, when she drove out of town on an errand a week after her arrival, she was killed by one of the freak tornados that occurred in that year. Mirabile dictu, her three-year-old son, Butterfly, was left sitting unharmed in the middle of the freeway. Butterfly was left with no memories of her.

    You see, this is not a story about the Paris, France of ‘the Lost Generation’ or the Jazz Age, but it begins not far from there, on a small declining side street on the rear of the Montmartre slope. Have you ever been there? If you ever stood at the Basilica of the Sacred Heart and looked over the City of Lights, then you were, as they say, within spitting distance of the Rue Maxwell. Down at the base of the hill is the ancient Market, and beyond that one of the city’s oldest learning institutions. Near the top of the hill is the block where Butterfly grew up, and if you’ve ever been to the Basilica, then you were only three short blocks from the corner containing the hot dog stand where he got a black eye from a squatter and decided to change his name to Bill. When he was growing up, Bill always blamed his abuse at the hands of the squatters on his gentle but incompetent father, a Quebecois immigrant named Heathcliff Midlothian Waite, who had himself only recently moved to Maxwell Street.

    Heathcliff had arrived carrying nothing but a broom, a powdered white barrister’s wig, and a few sundry belongings. He had returned one spring morning in 1962 to a steam pipe in the bridge running over the Seine at the Isle de la Cite, which had been his long-time abode, only to find that the City had welded it shut. Thence, he wandered through the city for several days, until he came, by chance, to the Rue Maxwell, where he made himself at home in the commune that had sprung up in the abandoned buildings that surrounded a bookstore, ‘Livres de Conscience.’

    At first, it seemed as if Heathcliff and the Rue Maxwell would get along famously. But at the time of Bianca’s shocking death in the tornado, he was overwhelmed with paternal feelings for the first time in his life and adopted the three-year-old boy.

    Heathcliff immediately set about expelling most of the human rights activists who had founded the ecovillage and began to operate the bookstore as a conventional business, supporting the boy for 14 years by selling used books. But the vacuum was soon filled by squatters, crude and violent. With most of the activists gone, Heathcliff and the few remaining communards were powerless to prevent it. To these roughnecks, the Waites, pere and fils, were a funny pair. After all, Heathcliff was a Quebecois who wore a wig and operated a quaint bookstore, and his son was named ‘Butterfly.’

    The day came when Butterfly bought a pair of dice from the boutique de conneries at 5118 Rue Maxwell, and moved out of the bookstore and into a building down the block with Bougard, a stubborn, middle-aged communard who had lived at the ecovillage since the old days.

    What next? he wondered. Was he to become a cabaret singer, or a pimp? One afternoon he gazed in meditation on his surroundings, peering thoughtlessly up at the most prominent of Maxwell Street’s two murals, which occupied the entire side of the building that housed the boutique des conneries. The large mural, commemorating his mother’s death and his own arrival, read, ‘Bianca and Butterfly forever,’ in green, gothic swirls of white and aqua.

    (The second, smaller mural was a wall-and-ceiling painting inside an abandoned ice cream Parlor that depicted the Count de Buffoon and Guillaume le Buffets, two physical comedians together called the Vaudeville Colleagues, who had gotten their start on the nearby Boardwalk decades prior to Bill’s birth).

    Because Maxwell Street was labeled with the disfavored nominative ‘Butterfly’ so prominently, he concluded, he certainly had to leave. But where? Bill had been reading about the American zoologist Dian Fossey, and her brave and dangerous efforts to preserve the mountain gorillas of Rwanda. Now there was a woman! he thought.

    He would go to her. Bill Waite would become a man. He would become an activist! Bill arrived at the camp on Mt. Karisimbi in the late afternoon one summer day not long thereafter; Dian herself had gone up on the ridge with some interns to check on a band of mountain gorillas that had split off from the main family. A young microbiologist named Heinz greeted him and showed him to his tent. Bill began to chop wood.

    Half an hour later Fossey herself trotted briskly from the tent up to where Bill stood with his ax. “You must be Waite,” the American woman said in the faux British accent she had adopted as an ex-patriate. “Nice chopping. It gets cold up here at night.”

    He would forever remember her standing freshly washed before him in her mountain fatigues. Contrasted against the mountain, Fossey looked even taller and stronger than her photographs. She was long-haired and beautiful against the sunset, but Bill noted that her unmade-up face was that of a middle-aged woman.

    Bill’s heart would forever belong to Dian, unconditionally, starting from one particularly chilly, dewy morning when she taught him how to repair an electronic weather meter. As the two of them hunched down together in the freshly mowed mountain grass, Dian saw Bill shiver, justonce. “Come closer,” she told him. Bill leaned in closer to Dian, and for the first time, breathed the powerful Charlie perfume she wore about her neckline.

    She finished tightening two of the bolts on the weathervane, and then handed it to him. Bill took the device in his lap, and Dian, leaning closer yet, placed her hand on his knee, and her chin on his shoulder. Bill tightened, and instinctively drew back again, his heart fluttering.

    From that moment, Dian knew that Bill sought a mother-and-child relationship. She held him like an egg. Bill’s competence grew by leaps and bounds in her care, as he came to play his dutiful role in the camp, where the study of the endangered mountain gorillas and the struggle against poaching went hand-in-hand.

    He was jealous nevertheless when he saw Dian flirting playfully with the other young men in the camp, including Heinz, Burton from the U.K., and even old Dr. Herwiger when he visited. She would ask any one of them to accompany her to the swimming pond, or to help her wring out her long underwear. The female interns and other women in camp seemed to ignore it, but the men present would giggle and exchange knowing looks, and then, when in Bill’s presence, would avert their gaze and fall silent.

    One weekend in early fall, Bill had been instructed to serve as look-out for Twa poachers, encroaching with the change in season, from an observation post on a mountain across the valley. This was an annual event, He returned ahead of time, just before dusk, to exchange a damaged telescope, and to his surprise, heard muted screams from one of the storage tents, which was ordinarily off-limits and seldom visited. What was going on? Had someone been injured?

    Bill stepped around a blazing fire pit, and pulled aside a thick leather curtain and a mosquito net. They hadn’t been there before. He saw Dian leaning forward, sweating in a maroon brassiere, her back turned to him. The shed was unlit save for a glowing brazier, which occluded part of the scene from Bill’s sight.

    “I feel a heartbeat!” Dian said. “Is he breathing?”

    Was she treating some wounded activist or poacher? he wondered. Maybe she was even performing heroic wilderness veterinary medicine on an injured gorilla. At length, Heinz appeared above the brazier, in spectacles and wearing a white smock.

    Bill heard the creak of rusty wheels. Dian walked from behind the brazier with an ungainly step, fanning herself energetically. In fact, she was wearing nothing but a leopard print G string and a pair of black stiletto heels. Her hair, illuminated by the brazier, glowed like coils of the finest copper, and they spilled down her back in ruddy ringlets. There was not an ounce of cellulite on her body. She didn’t see Bill.

    Bill was dumbfounded. Why was his icon traipsing around a shed, like a stripper nearly crippled by severe bunions, who is so clumsy she cannot even walk down a runway?

    “Are they bringing the next one?” she asked. “Alright, hold on.” She donned a plastic American Halloween mask, depicting a green-skinned, warty witch. “Bring him on.” Dian hesitantly picked up a whip, woven of thorny nettles, flexed her toned arm muscles, then put it down, instead taking two handfuls of green American dime store slime in her hands.

    Heinz wheeled in a vertical scaffold, on which was chained a Twa poacher. Dian lunged at the man, who immediately began screaming. She held the slime before his face, and let it ooze from her hands. The slime’s viscous verdure was opaque and seemed unholy in the light of the brazier. The Twa’s tonsils glowed from behind his sharpened, pointed teeth as he shrieked. 

    Dian put the slime down and wiped her hands on a towel. “There, there, little fellow,” she said. “That’s not really the slime I want on my hands, is it?” As she removed the mask and tossed her curls about her, she caught site of Bill.

    “Aren’t I every inch of me a whore, Bill?” she asked him.

    “Non,” said Bill.

    She looked slightly surprised. Heinz stood in a corner of the shed looking uncomfortable in his round glasses.

    “Well, then,” Dian said, reverting to her expatriate accent. She reached behind her and removed the bra. “Now do you love me, Bill?” she asked, cupping her breasts in her hands.

    “Non,” said Bill.

    Dian pouted. Suddenly she looked at him sharply. “Go to the water tower, and return with two large buckets of warm water,” she told him. “And take your time about it.”

    Bill took a step backward out of the shed and toward the fire, still holding on to the curtain.

    “I hope you understand that if you ever return to hurt my gorillas,” she told the Twa, as she stepped closer to him, “I’m going to cast these private parts of yours into the blaze.” 

    Bill stood in the doorway a moment, as he turned his head into the darkness and lowered his gaze, holding on to the mosquito netting and the leather curtain. I guess it’s easy to get conned into doing the wrong thing, he thought, when you’re thousands of miles away from home, and accompanied by some unusually confident, highly-principled person whom you adore.

    He turned again to the doorway, suddenly tore down the curtain and rushed back into the shed, shouting, “Sainte Mere de Dieu, ma femme, attendre!” He threw the heavy curtain over Dian’s nude body and shoved her off the helpless Twa. Dian’s shoulder crashed into the wooden wall, her hand still covered with green slime as she cried out, “Get off me, you bastard, and leave me alone!”

    Heinz turned his head to face the corner, like a donkey who sees its sibling being slaughtered, and knows it is next. Bill lifted Dian and carried the partially-nude woman out of the shed and into the darkness, crying, “Shanti Sena! Shanti Sena!”

    Suddenly activists came running through the darkness from every direction. Within a few minutes, Bill, Heinz, Dian and the Twa were back in the shed, which was surrounded by dozens of Dian’s students, interns, post-docs, non-credentialled assistants, and volunteers like Bill.

    “I told you already, we won’t tolerate you abusing the native peoples in this country,” yelled an undergrad, who had strawberry-colored hair.

    “But we have to take action to prevent the poaching, to save the endangered gorillas. They call them demons; they have superstitious practices. They’ll go extinct,” said Dian quickly, for the one hundredth time, lowering her face.

    “Then call the police!” screamed the strawberry maiden.

    “They’ll kill everyone, they’ll kill all of us…” said Dian wearily.

    “Perhaps you’re being paranoid again,” said a tall young female post-doc guardedly.

    “We’re activists and humanitarians, not a bunch of sadists!” screamed the strawberry woman. “Get away from him!” she suddenly screamed.

    Heinz had silently left his spot in the corner of the shed and had quietly worked his way over to where the Twa man still lay prostate on the horizontal scaffold. Discovered, he quickly backed away, weeping silently in fear. His glasses were fogged.

    The crowd now turned to look at the Twa man. They were not pleased with him either, as he had been caught poaching the previous day, and a mother gorilla and two infants had been killed.

    “What, if anything, would you like to say about all this?” asked the scrawny, mustached ecology intern. The entire crowd grew absolutely silent, except for Heinz’s nearly inaudible weeping and the sound of cicadas. Those gathered listened intently as the poacher made an effort to speak.

    “I… only…want….be with my people,” croaked the Twa’s harsh, dehydrated voice. That was was the first time Bill realized that dysfunction existed in the world beyond Maxwell Street. Eventually, the entire camp returned to bed. The poacher was taken from the scaffold and locked into a utility building behind the men’s quarters, from which he was released to Rwandan police two days later. Things in the camp went on as though nothing had happened. There was never again any reference to sexual improprieties amongst the activities on Mt. Karisimbi.

    Bill awoke in a sheen of sweat. He reached in the darkness of the camp for his alarm clock, but instead found his hand upon a fresh-seeming tombstone, and realized he was back home. To his side, the immense ladder still lay prone, but looking up, he saw his father dangling from the warehouse window, 200 feet in the air. He ran into the warehouse and raced up five flights of steps, then pulled his adoptive father into the building. Heathcliff stood bent over and gasping, then straightened and adjusted his wig. The entire building had been jammed with used books in storage.

    “Dad, what’s going on here?” Bill asked.

    “Come in here,” said Heathcliff breathlessly, gesturing to a little side room containing more books, as well as a wood stove and a few chairs. He tossed a handful of paperback books into the stove, and stuffed in some cardboard. Bill had forgotten how fast cardboard burned.

    “It’s good to see you, ‘Butterfly’,” said Heathcliff, as Bill sat down. “Things have become a little disorderly around here. Affairs in the outside world have demanded my attention, so I haven’t been able to spend as much time around the ecovillage as I used to.

    “You see,” said Heathcliff, “a few days after you left, seven years ago, I thought it would be nice to take a look at some of the old sites again. Bougard and Valery were standing in the bookstore one day, arguing with me about Boogard’s book, and Valery’s legal strategies, so I sort of spontaneously invited them both to join me on a helicopter tour.

    “I couldn’t believe how much the city had changed while you were growing up! An entire epoch in French history passed. Why, the Rolling Stones recorded ‘Exile on Main Street’ in the basement of a villa not far from here when you were 11 years old, and Picasso himself died only two years later. Brigitte

    Bardot became an animal rights activist who vehemently opposed immigration, and Jean-Luc Godard has seen his style evolve. Jean Paul Sartre died in 1980, three years after you left. Deplorably, now the entire country carries a torch for Serge Gainsbourg.

    “I really became disillusioned with France after Sartre died. In the helicopter, I saw for the first time the skyscrapers of the ironically-named business district called ‘La Defense,’ at the site of the historic city wall, which the bourgeoisie had constructed during the years of your puberty. I reflected on how I could have had an altogether different life. I could have lived in a houseboat on the Seine and finished my dissertation.

    “In a mood mixing melancholy with a spirit of new-found freedom, I meandered one morning down the hill and into the city, past the bridge that was my home long ago after I first emigrated from Quebec. I continued past the Isle de la Cite, to the tomb of the great Camus, my mentor, which for years I used to faithfully sweep every afternoon when I lived inside the bridge. Now, however, I carried not a broom, but a cane, and when, entirely on a whim, I decided to enter the house of the cemetery porter at Pere Lachaise, I found nothing easier than to become a docent at the same tomb I used to covertly sweep! 

    Heathcliff grasped two more handfuls of American paperbacks, and bent over, preparing to heave them into the stove. Bill stood up and smacked the Quebecois emigrant as hard as he could in the side of the head, causing him to spill the books.

    “You imbecile!” shouted Bill. “You’ll kill us! It must be 115 degrees in here!”

    “What? Oh, another fire! Quick, get the fire engine!” said Heathcliff.

    Bill followed his adoptive father down and out of the building, and around the corner to an abandoned art warehouse in the alley behind them, half a block up the hill toward the Basilica. Inside was an ancient fire engine.

    “Push!” shouted Heathcliff.

    The two men strained and struggled, and eventually pushed the fire engine by hand around the corner ‘til it came to rest before the warehouse at 5112 Rue Maxwell, where a fair-sized fire burned.

    “Pump!” hollered Heathcliff.

    Clambering into the cab, Bill pumped madly with his hardy legs, until finally water began to spurt from the hose. Holding his wig firmly to his head with one hand, Heathcliff used the other arm to point the nozzle at the fire, which was eventually extinguished.

    The two men returned to the fifth floor of the warehouse. 

    “Eventually, the growing prevalence of suspicious fires in the neighborhood compelled me to join a volunteer fire brigade, at which I excelled,” continued Heathcliff, breathlessly hanging his suit jacket before the wood stove, and shaking the moisture from his wig.

    “Now one day a curious thing happened. Whereas in past years, before I adopted you, I was sometimes a figure of horror and revulsion to passersby in the vicinity of the cemetery, now, due perhaps to my cane and my age, I was looked upon with approval by complete strangers. A wealthy widow, a dowager who had once been a fashion magnate, took a liking to me. We developed a close companionship, and one day I spoke to her at length.

    “‘Oh, Heathcliff,’ she said to me, ‘You live a life of such robustness for an older gentleman, volunteering in the fire brigade, serving as docent at the tomb of Camus, and operating a successful used bookstore.’ For she was attracted to the fact that I had become the model of a petty bourgeois.

    “‘Why, mademoiselle,’ said I to the dowager, “That’s not all. I once served on the Council of Paris, and therein lies a tale.”

    “‘Oh, Heathcliff, you’re a statesman!’”

    “And so I told the dowager my history, of how I emigrated to Paris from Quebec to study under the great Camus, but my mentor died in a car accident within months of my arrival. Within weeks, he was interred in the Pantheon with the other great individuals of France, and just as suddenly disinterred and moved to the common cemetery at Pere Lachaise, out of French whimsy. I alone remained to faithfully sweep grave every afternoon and vowed to take up residence in the bridge over the Seine until Camus should be restored to his rightful place.

    “‘Why Heathcliff, were you in Paris in the early 60s?’ she interrupted me to ask.”

    “Mais, oui, mademoiselle. After all, that was the era when anyone could be a genius, even the bartender in the Manhattan Bar, who pours out Curacao with one hand and gathers up his gonorrhea with the other…[T]he gentleman in the raincoat, who is about to start his seventh trip around the world, even Chuck the Drunk, who goose-stepped through the alleys of Montreal, carrying a bottle of vodka and wearing his high school letter jacket and a Russian fur cap, talking to himself; and many other strange characters as well.”

    “So, I told the dowager of my daily routine in those days, as mad as they were. I would clamber every afternoon out of my residence in the hollow arm of the bridge at the Isle de la Cite to sweep Camus’ grave. In the evenings I had a small business taking tourists on covert midnight tours of the Pantheon to show visitors the spot to which the great man would one day be returned. We were trespassing, of course, and because I was inexperienced, we would sometimes become lost. And even when we could find our way out, I was never able to direct them to the Closerie des Lilas, or the places where the night streetwalkers strolled.

    “Then in the evenings,” reminisced Heathcliff, “it always seemed there was some fool who had insulted the honor of my mentor. So in the hours past midnight, I could usually be found scouring the cafes and bars of the city for a disrespectful sot, to whom I would have to teach the dignity of his heritage.”

    “‘Oh, Heathcliff! Weren’t you frightened by all the violence?’

    “‘Madame,’ I told her gravely, ‘In the words of Jacques Lacan, there will always be brawling among men- but one day Camus will be returned to the Pantheon.’

    “‘Did you feel alienated?’ she asked.

    “‘Madame, I was a Frenchman! I attended the industrial strikes, and I wrote letters to the editor of the city newspapers. Eventually, just by going about my business, I attracted the attention of a gang of Dadaist sans culottes, who decided to run me as their candidate for the Council of Paris. I was elected councilor; but my bill to re-inter Camus in the Pantheon was tabled. The next year, it was the La Pennist sans-culottes who chose to run me, and again I was elected. But as a politician, I could achieve nothing. The following term, there were bloody clashes between the Dadaist and La Pennist sans-culottes in the streets of Paris, and I lost my seat. Returning to my bridge at the Isle de la Cite, I found that the city had welded shut the steam pipe. I then wandered for some days until I came to Maxwell Street.’

    “To make a long story short, the Dowager ran me for City Council again, and I won, more than

    25 years after I once held the office, and I serve there still. In fact,” said Heathcliff to Bill confidentially, “both Sartre and Simone de Beauvoir visited the Rue Maxwell after your departure and greeted me in the same old bookstore across the street.”

    “Incredible,” said Bill.

    “Butterfly,” said Heathcliff confidentially, sitting down, and leaning in close to his son, “the squatters of the Rue Maxwell have become a problem. I was never able to do anything about them while I was raising you, and now they want to burn down L’Academe, which has always been the fount and reservoir of the Committees of Conscience, from the time of the bookstore’s founding. Will you help me expel the squatters, and restart the Committees?”

    Bill bit his lip and closed his eyes. He didn’t know how to solve the problems on Maxwell Street, because nobody had ever tried. But he would go down to the Champs Elysees the next morning and buy 30 or 40 of the strongest locks he could find.

    “I’ll try,” said Bill at last.                                                                   

    #

    The next morning, as Bill was affixing a lock to the door of his old residence at 5106 Rue Maxwell. Heathcliff came hobbling up on his cane. “Follow me, ‘Butterfly’!” cried Heathcliff. “They’ve put up a barricade- the squatters are going to burn down L’Academe!”

    “I don’t think we’re prepared!” Bill shouted, tucking in the tails of his flannel shirt as he ran after his father. He raced down the slope and through the historic market, following the bobbing white wig as it disappeared and re-appeared amidst the maze of sunken temples and broken columns among which cattle once grazed. He almost stumbled over a trio of young Frenchmen shooting dice and kicked the dice out of the pit.

    “I run the dice games in this town,” Bill told them, as he leapt over their stupefied heads and chased the old Quebecois through the market.

    Already, there was screaming in the marketplace, and the musicians at the bandstand, switched to a few chords of ‘La Marseillaise,’ before they disbanded altogether, threw their instruments into a pile and ran for cover.

    At long last he came to L’Academe. Faces peered down through ivy-covered windows, far, far above the massive, featureless gray 12th century fortress wall. The gendarmerie, clad in riot gear, had cordoned off the face of the buildings, and shepherded the outraged squatters into a protest pen on the other side of Maxwell Street. Bill breathlessly caught up with Heathcliff. Already, the squatters had set up a barricade: shopping carts, overturned Yugos’ broken-up picnic benches, and the ticket-taking booth from a metro station had all been shoved into the middle of Maxwell Street.

    “Save L’Academe!” shouted Heathcliff hoarsely, as he banged with his fists on the barricade.

    “Fuck you, Petain!” screamed Bougard from across the street. “We’re not squatters- your Academe is the one that’s the trespasser!”

    At that moment, another young fellow walked up to Bill and Heathcliff. He was between the age of the adoptive father and son, and had long hair, a sparse but disorderly goatee, and tortoise-shell glasses.

    “Professor Heathcliff, I’m glad to see you are not standing over there, chanting with those retards,” said the newcomer warmly.

    “This fellow is Frere Fructidor whom I know from the old days,” said Heathcliff to Bill.

    “How are you, Jacques. How long before the National Guard shows up?”

    Suddenly a buzzing sound emerged overhead, but its source was invisible. “Is that them? Is that the National Guard?” asked Heathcliff, keeping one eye on the squatters as he looked down a side street.

    Fructidor unfolded a pair of opera glasses and studied the scene. “So many different uniforms,” he said thoughtfully. “Surely those are not French troops.”

    “Alors?”

    The trio were silent for a moment. “Could every country in Europe have sent their armies, just to protect L’Academe?” Bill asked incredulously, as he peered with his naked eyes at the distant scene.

    “No, there are French troops, after all,” Fructidor corrected himself. “On the right, there is the East German secret police. It looks like they are being led by ‘Iron’ Erich Mielke. Overhead on the left, we have two Med-Evac squadrons of the Transylvanian Coast Guard. But they are all being led by the French National Guard, in the center. The government has sent the very best,” said Fructidor.

    “The Three Musketeers Battalion. L’Academe is saved.”

    “Well done,” said Bill. “Dad, let’s go.”

    The entire crowd had broken into a riot. The squatters collided with one another and got hung. up upon the barricades and other wreckage which they themselves had hauled into the middle of the street.

    “Come here, Dad!” said Bill, grasping his adoptive father firmly by the arm. Bill was trying to hold onto Heathcliff amidst the tumult, when he felt something soft strike him in the back of the head and fell to the ground unconscious.

    #

    That was the third time that Bill had been knocked unconscious, all within the last two weeks. The first had been in a swampy forest clearing at the base of Karisimbi: a perplexing denouement to an entire venture notable for the failure of the well-intentioned to mediate its dialectical contradictions, such being necessary for its success.

    Bill remained with the camp on Mt. Karisimbi for seven years, notwithstanding the sexual abuse he uncovered that first fall. He grew to manhood serving on the anti-poaching team and learned to diligently protect the endangered mountain gorillas they had all come to love so deeply. Bill was fascinated by the contradictions which seemed to inhere so deeply within Dian, who was so dedicated to the gorillas that she sometimes lived in communion with them- but treated not only the Twa, but all Rwandan natives, with utmost disparagement.

    Her contradictions summoned within him, over the years, feelings first mysterious, then contemplative, and finally inflamed. Bill was inwardly enraged that his mentor could devote herself to such good works, yet at the same time accommodate such malign acts in her spare time. Nonetheless, there being no more visible abuse, Bill remained a dedicated part of the anti-Poaching project. He never foresaw how the failure to address and synthesize the conflict between the animal preservation and human rights movements would lead to such imminent tragedy.

    It was one of Dian’s own volunteers who initiated the violent conflict that apparently later claimed Dian’s life. A team of zoologists came upon the remains of one of Dian’s favorite gorillas, named Digit-a mere adolescent- on a mountain slope across the valley. Not long thereafter, one of Dian’s volunteers shot a herder, who Dian said was trespassing in the area, in the thigh with a high-powered rifle. After that, it was, ‘Katy, bar the door.’[1]

    A few days after, Bill was patrolling a mountain pass at the base of Karisimbi. Dian had come across a slope littered with gorilla scat, and since diarrhea was associated with sudden danger experienced by a gorilla family, she had sent the patrol to investigate. Poachers had of late taken to capturing infant gorillas for sale to zoos and massacring their families.

    The team leader led Bill and his group into a forest clearing to get a view of a mountaintop and get his bearings. In the mistaken belief that the clearing was unoccupied, Bill followed, soon learning that it was marshy up to his thighs 

    “Get down!” hissed Lukacs, the team leader. He quickly raised his rifle, pointed it across the clearing and pumped off several rounds. A scream issued from the other side.

    “Don’t do that!” shrieked Bill. “Why are you shooting that man?” Momentarily, Bill felt the dart enter his flesh just above his waist.

    He awoke days later, unsure how far he was from Karisimbi, or what time it was. Through daylight which hesitantly penetrated his chamber, he concluded after some time that he was in a Twa hut, lying on a blanket on a dirt floor. Across from him a withered, toothless old man sat calmly on his haunches, regarding him.

    “I know you,” said the man, gumming a betel nut. “You’re the White who saved our people from the Old Witch Woman who lives on top of Karisimbi.” He regarded Bill, who remained silent. “Don’t worry,” he said at last. “Red Cross be here this afternoon. 

    At length, the Twa elder lit a hashish pipe, which filled the spare chamber with intoxicating vapors. As the afternoon dragged on, a chorus of children began chanting traditional Twa songs. For some time, the songs seemed good-willed but untrained and rather atonal. Then they were interrupted by the sound of tires and a low engine. At length, guitar sounds emerged, and to Bill lying in the cannabis smoke, the Twa song was transformed into the most scintillating, buoyant Afropop.

    In the mid-afternoon, the elder came and led Bill from the hut. Sunlight filtered moderately Through a forest canopy. He accepted a ride with two staff from the Red Cross, a Brit and an Australian.

    “Where to, mate?” asked the British driver, once the Land Rover was safely en route.

    “Karisimbi,” said Bill.

    “What you going up there for?”

    “I’m a volunteer in Dian Fossey’s zoology camp,” he explained.

    “Fossey’s dead,” said the driver. “Murdered several days ago. The Rwandans want to charge an American student, but the consulate spirited him back to the States.”

    “Better take me up to Karisimbi,” said Bill. “I’d better get this sorted.”

    “Are you sure?” asked the driver.

    Bill was silent.

    “You’re a long way from a bowl of moules frites and bottle of Riesling, my friend,” said the Aussie. “Are you sure you don’t just want us to take you to the airport?”

    “Fuck it,” said Bill finally. “Take me to the airport.”

    #

  • Pinocchio in Port Authority

    There are those boys-to-men whose slightened look seems built in, permanent. Are they beautiful through the sheer fact that they’ve been thwarted? With lithe, curtailed limbs and a taste for shiny, tailored clothes, they resemble jockeys. But when their heart-shaped faces are pinched by too many sleepless nights on the street, their wiry bodies take on a shrunken look. It is then one realizes that their delectable slightness may be the result of early drug use or their mother’s own libidinal activities during pregnancy.

    Such a creature was Pinocchio, marked by inheritance to serve pleasure. His only known biological parent—his mom—was a homeless rape victim, caught in a park and taken against a tree. The foster parent who’d tried to raise him before he ran away was an old Jewish bookbinder who’d been thrown out of a Soho loft to make room for an artist cum investor.  

    Playland, a video arcade of jingling games, digitized grunts and groans, became the truant place where Pinocchio and his runaway friends passed the time and plied their wares. With the good nature of those people who have no attention span, Pinocchio attracted his fair share of admirers. He wore silky tank tops over miniature muscles with gleaming gold jewelry on his satiny patina, against which the daddies never tired polishing their voracious, slippery tongues. He also had a rakish grin. But his unreliability earned him some enemies that resulted in a growing number of gouges and nicks on his splintery rib cage. Needle marks and knife blades then marred the polished blandness of Pinocchio’s underdeveloped looks. As times grew bad, his oversized pants slipped half-way down his nonexistent buttocks while his big aluminum elbow joints of a sallow color poked from his ripped sweatshirt.  

    One day the most near-sighted and bloated of Old Fags came into Playland to beg. His dried-out pate was pitifully plastered over a greasy forehead. “Take pity on a man who has wasted his years and come back with me to my little Bowery room for a pittance,” begged he. 

    Pinocchio’s pinpoint eyes sparkled with the fun of having caused such a sweet, needy reaction. “I’ll go anywhere with you for a slice of pizza piping hot and a new, smooth twenty dollar bill,” he said brightly. 

    The Old Fag waddled discreetly to the door ahead of the giggly puppet. This was because a passing policeman could have been very disturbed at the sight of such an obvious couple leaving the palace of pleasure.

    Out on the street Pinocchio’s ebullient impatience made him skip in circles around the lumbering john. They made their way toward the subway past Pinocchio’s cronies—runaways and petty thieves lounging against the grimy walls of the avenue. The thought that he had the power to throw some happiness unconcernedly the old whale’s way made Pinocchio sparkle with celebration. He flashed gallant grins at the filmy coke-bottle lenses of the trick, but from time to time also sneaked mischievous glances to his lounging buddies, who all snickered at the sight of such an old bag of moldy jelly wheezing along next to the clattering legs of a young, brave marionette.

    The Old Fag’s room was just as decrepit as he was. Next to a lumpy mattress was a scratched desk and some tattered notebooks. And next to the notebooks was an old-fashioned ballpoint with a barrel made not of plastic but of some kind of metal. 

    Pinocchio gave a cursory glance at an open page of one of the notebooks. Although he could not read very well, he was able to make out the title, which was, “How a Puppet Became a Real Boy.” Writers, who were often failures, made Pinocchio bored and uneasy. Like a leaf, he floated away from the drudgeful writing and onto the mattress, surprised that even his negligent weight made the springs creak. His pointed face with its hard lines still held its rakish smile, for he feared not the greasy touch of the failure’s lips on his little wooden knob. It had long ago become permanently stiff and practically insensitive, so used was he to poking it into slots that would yield some profit. 

    Pinocchio fixed his eyes out the window on a fleecy white cloud scudding across the blue sky. He was sweetly oblivious to the drool leaking over his hard little thighs. That whimsical generosity that he had been born with made him hope that the Old Fag was experiencing pleasure. But then the trick did the one thing Pinocchio couldn’t tolerate. With the nubs of his blunt, ink-stained fingers he began to fiddle with Pinocchio’s hinges.

    “Hold off, just a minute,” said Pinocchio pulling back the head of the trick with his own splintery hand. “Those are not rust-proof hinges. As you can see, they are built in to protect them from the rain. I told you I did just about everything, but that’s one thing I won’t. I can’t stand to be handled at my knees, ankles, wrists, elbows or other hinged places. It gives me a creepy feeling as if somebody were messing with my insides.” 

    He who had seemed humble and needy before now became overbearing and greedy. With his much greater weight he attempted to bend poor Pinocchio’s legs over his shoulders so that he could lick the metal hinges that attached his thighs to his hardwood buttocks. But all the hinges in Pinocchio’s body slammed straight with the force of a rattrap and the tips of the man’s fingers, as well as the tip of his tongue, were nearly severed. 

    The man sat up and pressed his throbbing fingertip against a forearm, and his bleeding tongue tip against compressed lips. The puppet had paled with rage and was almost the color of unfinished pine. “You’ve made a big mistake,” said the Old Fag, talking like someone balancing a hot potato in his mouth. “Though I wasn’t devoid of desire I was also well-meaning. You’re a sad wooden thing that never really gets to be genuine. Consequently, you are doomed to repeat the same mistakes for the rest of your life. But by opening yourself to your own feelings and treating others with the tenderness for which you so secretly long, you might one day become a real boy!” 

    “I’m realer than you’ll ever be!” shouted Pinocchio. As soon as his lie had crossed his lips, his little nose, which up until then had resembled a smooth wooden button, grew. It became so big it could only have been the nose of some rare creature, an anteater perhaps, until finally it was so long and so big that it reached halfway across the room. And it was perfectly cylindrical– like a Ninja chuck. Whereupon Pinocchio, panicking, began to whirl, and his long wooden nose struck the Old Fag a rude blow in the temple. 

    The man’s eyes bugged out, and he slid off the bed in a slump. When he did, Pinocchio’s face, which had grown harder than mahogany, glared with triumph. 

    “I was lying,” he crowed, “for I’ve never been real and see no sense in ever being that. Real people must die, but wood is already dead and if it’s well kept will last practically forever.”

    As soon as he told the truth, Pinocchio’s nose shrank back to normal. However, it is likely the man did not have the chance to hear his words or see the nose shrink because he had already passed away. Pinocchio looked quickly around the room, realizing that now no one could stop him from stealing. There wasn’t much, unfortunately, not even a shade on the window. He wondered if he should take the notebook with the writing entitled, “How a Puppet Became a Real Boy.” He stared at the scratches on the page, but they just blurred his glass eyes. And besides, it must have been a very boring story. What self-respecting puppet would ever want to become a sappy boy? 

    As for money, in the man’s clothes and in his drawers was not even the twenty dollars he had promised, so Pinocchio grabbed the old ballpoint. He had suddenly thought that its metal barrel might make a good pipe. Off he skipped on his merry way, unscrewing the barrel of the pen and tooting on it in triumph, for although he had gained little from the encounter, he had his nose back and that was something to be glad about.

    It wasn’t long before the rumor spread throughout Playland that the police were looking for a notched, nicked, nasty puppet, last seen with a derelict whose carcass had been found rotting in a dismal Bowery hotel. Pinocchio almost went mad with worry. He couldn’t go back to Playland because they were sure to look for him there. 

    Before long he came to a large structure with a vast open mouth. It looked like a giant fish—a whale—with its baleens bared for feeding. And indeed, hundreds of figures, some that looked almost as important as minnows and others that seemed as insignificant as microscopic particles of plankton, were inhaled through these openings, while others seemed to be vomited out. This great fish’s hunger must have been insatiable, for the eating and vomiting was continual. Pinocchio soon learned that the giant fish was really a building known as the Port Authority, and it contained all manner of men and beasts in its bowels. Some remained in it forever because they couldn’t find their way out. No one, reasoned Pinocchio, will discover me here, for the stew of creatures is just too thick and perplexing. I’ll lose myself on the staircases and in the restrooms.

    Pinocchio let himself be sucked through the huge mouth-like entrance and buffeted about by the streaming crowds, and it was a pleasurable feeling. But since he was a puppet of cured wood, he kept one predatory eye always open. One day, as he stood at the urinal holding his wooden knob, he was struck by an image of wealth in the opposite mirror. It was a tall, elegant individual in a dark suit, holding a briefcase. The individual’s skin had a heavenly or deathly bluish cast, and what was even stranger was that his hair was blue, too. From his eyes, which seemed glazed, floated a kind look of renunciation.

    Pinocchio didn’t know it, but this was the Blue Fairy. The Blue Fairy had been lithe and attractive just a few months before and had loved every kind of pleasure—dinner parties and clubs, sex and leather. Then a spell had begun to transform him into an unwell, emaciated figure. But there was a look of purity to his ravaged body. In fact, it seemed worn and polished down into simple, elongated curves, much like Pinocchio’s. 

    Pinocchio was very attracted to the Blue Fairy and very excited to be standing next to him. Without looking down at Pinocchio’s thing, the Blue Fairy glanced at Pinocchio and smiled sweetly. He wore a suit of such a perfect cut that Pinocchio was sure he must have lots of money.

    Actually, the Blue Fairy was just as taken by the little puppet whose wooden knob stuck straight out toward the urinal but from which no liquid streamed. How wonderful, thought he to himself, to be made of wood and never have to worry about changing. And should you be reduced to splinters or even used as kindling, I bet it wouldn’t hurt at all. For by then everything hurt the Blue Fairy. His legs ached dully and sometimes felt like they were made of wood, and his feet always felt like hot, streaming sand or a swarm of angry bees, and when he moved his jaw it felt creaky as if it were set on broken hinges. 

    Before long Pinocchio sat in the Blue Fairy’s penthouse and learned that he had been a stockbroker and still had a large bank account and very good disability and medical insurance. Weeks after that day, Pinocchio was still sitting there. He passed the time watching all kinds of cable stations on the big color TV. But sometimes he grew tired of this and his dry eyes ached because no one had given him lids and he could not close them no matter how tired he was. He even smashed the TV once, but the Blue Fairy shrugged it off as a tantrum and bought another. At other times, Pinocchio filled the big sunken tub in the bathroom with gallons of water and lots of bubbles. Then he would float on top of the water without sinking, like a piece of wood, staring—unblinkingly, of course—at the ceiling. 

    As tired as Pinocchio became of the cable TV and the big tub, he stayed inside because he was afraid the police would be looking for him. The Blue Fairy, who didn’t feel that well, began staying in more and more, too. Occasionally, the Blue Fairy asked Pinocchio to get on the bed. Then the Blue Fairy would slowly remove the clothes from his own emaciated body with its polished blue vellum skin. Pinocchio would wriggle out of his tiny undershorts. The Blue Fairy’s bony pelvis would clink against Pinocchio’s beveled wooden hips. Their heads would bump lightly against each other and sound like someone knocking on the door, and the experience would really be quite pleasant.  

             

    In truth, blank, insensible surfaces often long for decoration, in hopes of raising their status, which is probably the reason why Pinocchio soon began to yearn for a gold tooth. He had always fancied one to set off the polished sheen of his little heart-shaped face and its surly wooden mouth. He wanted it right in front, where everyone could see it. Unfortunately, the Blue Fairy thought that Pinocchio was already hard and durable and shiny enough, and as he got sicker he was beginning to wish for something softer and more enveloping; so he refused to get Pinocchio the tooth. This led to terrible fights that exhausted the Blue Fairy and left Pinocchio pouting.

    Then, one day, the Blue Fairy went out. As soon as Pinocchio heard the key turn in the lock, he leapt from the couch and began rifling through the Blue Fairy’s drawers. And since he thought the Blue Fairy would be very angry this time and would never forgive him, he took all the money he could find. 

    He ran to a jewelry store run by Chinese people in Times Square, which was still Old Times Square and no longer attracted many tourists. In the window gleamed a gold cap with a small diamond embedded in the center. The gold was very yellow, and the diamond glared brighter than a mirror. Pinocchio almost chipped his nose as he pressed closer to see and it bumped against the glass. He pointed to the gold cap and the Chinese man motioned him into the store. When Pinocchio had given the man half his money, the man took a large file and began shaving Pinocchio’s upper front tooth away. 

    Pinocchio’s mouth filled with saw dust, and he was afraid he would choke to death. Finally, the man held up a mirror to show that there was a little wooden stub where Pinocchio’s front tooth had been. Then the man took the gold cap with the diamond and slid it over the stump and clamped it tight by twisting it with a large pair of pliers that sent sparks flashing through Pinocchio’s brain.

    *

    The next few days were a blur of pleasure as he paraded through his old haunts with the gold tooth always showing. He even got the courage to go back to Playland. No one, he thought, would identify him as the bad puppet now that he had the new tooth. The gold tooth was so spectacular that it made him look like a real person. And he was sure that people would pay much more to be with someone they thought was real, a realization that made him chuckle about his bright future.

    In just a few days, the rest of the money was gone. Pinocchio still had the gold tooth, but his clothes were beginning to look rumpled. What was even more distressing was the fact that he had been trapped in the rain for a whole day. His shins and forearms were beginning to feel stiff, probably because of warping, and his joints made a creaking sound. The next day a whole gang of giant rats from the subway who had watched Pinocchio boast about his gold tooth and wanted it chased him down the Up escalator at inside the whale called Port Authority. The little puppet with the warped shins stumbled and went rolling down the escalator stairs with a crash. His head struck the railing, and the tooth popped out. One of the rats snatched it up and off they scrambled.

    From then on, Pinocchio looked like a little puppet with a dizzy smile and a dark gap in his mouth. He never grew any bigger. Everyone knew he was a puppet, stick-limbed as he had become. What’s more, his warped shins and forearms made him move in a jerky way that some found charming but others thought was a bit pitiful and robotic. Now and then he remembered the manuscript that the man in the Bowery had been writing and wondered what it might be like to be a real boy. But he thought of the possibility less and less. Thus, little Pinocchio found his calling early in life. Even as he neared twenty-eight, he was still stuck mimicking the charm of the wobbly-headed playmate, easily influenced yet unpredictable, accommodating yet wooden.

     

    If this story has made you a bit squeamish, recall that those born in misfortune and toughened by hard luck endure with little complaint levels of suffering that to most are unimaginable. Theirs is the blank smile of constant hardship, unmitigated by others’ pity and destined to repetition. Some become entertainers, because little wooden faces branded with sparkling eyes and shiny lips have been marketed as playthings through the ages. For a surprisingly long time, their noses and other aggressive appendages merely grow stronger and more insensitive the more they are abused.

     

  • Six Poems – Joobin Bekhrad

    FROM ‘THE SAILOR’

    I
    Even with his prayer
    Still moist on my lips,
    And in his presence,
    ’Bove gilded steppe,
    Did he stand veiled
    Atop the mountain
    In astral navel fixed,
    Watchtower awash
    In primordial light,
    Whose violet heights
    We’d scaled, weightless,
    With crumpled wings
    In belated returning;
    But I closed my eyes,
    Still drunk with sleep,
    Smiled all the same —
    Blind to his face,
    But happy knowing
    That I would ever be
    Within his shadow.

    XIV
    Her broken nose,
    Gaudy lips, and all
    Sink in the blaze,
    Rise in clouds
    Above the tenement
    Before the eyes of
    Her would-be boy,
    From which she fell,
    Loose ’n’ limber chit,
    Headlong in a wink,
    With floating sheaves
    Of Delphic leaves
    After dry spells
    Long drawn out,
    As sighs that Apollo
    Out of songs
    And swigs the last
    Spanish draughts
    In the ruins of the night,
    At the end of the line,
    In bleakest east.

    XVII
    This lonesome cella
    Lies sprinkled with dust
    That sticks to my feet,
    Falls through my fingers,
    The dust of stars
    Born of dreams and
    Blotted out by time.
    No longer do I peer
    From out the shadows
    Or squander words
    Better left unsaid,
    But listen to the echoes
    Of a litany of blessings
    On that goddess
    Of ravaged steppe,
    Gone, like Babel’s babe,
    As an ebbing glow
    Now burns my eyes,
    And I try to recall
    The slant of hers.

    XXV
    Should I slip away
    Behind my eyes
    And wrest from light
    The tail-end of a dream,
    Or think upon you,
    Giving thanks that,
    She dies again as ever,
    My calendula, and I
    Live yet to see her so?
    Not lit up on the lees
    Of yesterday’s wine,
    Nor a plaything of
    Some blinkered thief
    Who makes off with
    What little o’wit is left —
    I want to be to flesh
    And earth unbound,
    Feel those fingers,
    Still now and warm,
    Decked with gold
    Of Rhages, running
    Through my ringlets.
    I’ve no longer the heart
    For crescent moons
    And candlelight.
    O, if you could but
    Give me the wings
    That once were mine!

    FROM ‘TURNCOATS OF PARADISE’

    VIII
    A wince at black magic
    Spells the death of day.
    I’m all out of words,
    And I’ve said nothing
    At the bright-lit bend:
    Brown eyes and brambles
    Still without a name.
    Lo, here come the Ides
    To turn me heathen,
    Steal my sun-snatches.
    And there go the swines
    Of worlds old and new
    With mouthfuls of pearls,
    To the hills, out of sight;
    And the witching hour
    Leaves me with none
    Of night’s sweet lethe,
    Only weak of limb
    And pinched of hope,
    Bare ’fore hidden stars
    And stillborn dawn alike.

    XVII
    Odalisques, wreathed
    With wilted petals
    Of the Orient plagued,
    Await with traces
    Of sand-speckled smiles
    The laggard flames
    Of psychic pyres.
    Southwards we turn,
    Disbelieving our words,
    The laurel and the lyre,
    And all those violet visions
    Risen from blind alleys
    Beneath our mountains,
    Turncoats of Paradise.
    Though the feathered ones
    Can no longer gainsay
    This bitter sun so bleak,
    We won’t see our bones
    Buried neath our feet;
    And if the sky we can’t see,
    Atlas’ shores are ours.
    What a sendoff we’ll give
    To our cracked idols,
    Cast them out to sea,
    See them on the breakers,
    And never look back,
    But find, with eyes of jade,
    Our way home before dusk.

    Reprinted with permission from the author. Find both collections here.

  • Maybe Ricki

    Maybe Ricki

    You think Ricki is a narc. Then again, you think she isn’t. You don’t know because every decision you’ve ever made has sucked, right from the time you dropped like a brick from Alice’s womb. You remember her vaguely, from before they took her–long dark hair and tracked arms.

    Ricki sits across the Parkside Lounge from you, almost every night. She sells you little pills of joy. She says she’s small time. She’s a marriage counselor by day, but, you know, she tells you, with that little turn of her head and almost shy smile, that a girl’s got to make ends meet. I’m not gettin’ any younger.  Manhattan costs, she says.

    She doesn’t live in a squat like you do on Attorney Street.

    You think she can’t be a narc. What cop would go undercover as a marriage counselor? No. She tells you she’s been divorced five times, so she knows what she’s talking about.

    Long ago, you told her you were married once and she laughed. Not “ha ha,” but a who-the-fuck-would-marry-you laugh. She made a joke to veil her surprise. Maybe trying to hide that she just doesn’t believe it, along with all the other shit you spill.

    When you whisper, “You’re a fucking narc,” she gets mad for a sec. Even just an accusation like that sinks business. But then she doesn’t take you seriously. You are smaller than small time to her, lower than a rounding error to even her piss ass commerce.

    Tuesday night you go to Ricki because you need what Ricki has. She’s cheap, she’s easy and she’s around. And she’s not a narc.

     She’s dealt you for three months and never busted or nicked you.  You haven’t been feeling well for months.  The stomach likes less and less what you shove down into it. You hardly sleep. You can’t even shit right. Even the lowest fucking rat has no problems shitting. But you do.

     Ricki tells you to lay off the pills for a while. They’re gonna kill you, she says. I like to keep my customers, she laughs.

    That increases your paranoia. Why would a dealer tell a customer that you should stop buying?  What the fuck is that you ask yourself.  Now you think she’s a narc again. She’s afraid of killing you by accident, you figure she figures. That would get out and ruin her chances of a promotion, right?

            But you can’t trust yourself. You haven’t had a useable thought beyond how to get the money you need each day for your little ride and not get caught, because most times you steal for it. Sometimes you help Jimmy out with club security. But the owners don’t want customers to see your knuckled face while they wait at the velvet ropes, so you’re the man in reserve, inside the club’s doors. Never out front.  But you are good at that. That is the one thing you excel at.

    Yesterday, you took that kid’s skateboard. You notice it says Destructo on it and you think that’s funny because that was your nickname for the couple odd years you wasted in high school.

    So you clothes-line the rich kid while he’s wheeling fast with his stupid wool cap pulled down over his head, even though it is 80 degrees out. He goes flying into the low iron railing circling a tree in Tompkins Square Park. A red jet stream explodes from his nose like it couldn’t wait to leave his body.

    His friends are such faggots that they go to him instead of going after you like they should. But you know that. Absolutely know. You only run half a block before you see they aren’t coming for you. You figure the board is worth $200 new and you get $20 for it from Leo. You think that’s a good deal.

    At the Parkside you give your money to Ricki. She looks at you with pity. Right there you’d like to break her face, but you don’t have another dealer you trust so that’s out. For now. You walk back to the bathroom and drink some water and down the happiness. All four of ‘em.

    When you come out your nerves are better. You see Ricki for what she is. Just a little bit less of a fuck up than you. Not a narc. As you pass, she says only heroin addicts are worse at breaking their habit than speed freaks.

    You don’t care. You mouth the words, “Fuck you,” in her direction.

    You still have…what is it called? Amphetamine…psychosis? she says and downs her rum and coke.

    They nab you for heating glass in a parking lot near on Norfolk St. You think sitting between cars on the ground would hide you, but the smoke gives you away to the attendant. When you are fiending you get anxious and hallucinate. People who are talking to you sound as if they are yelling at the top of their lungs. Passing trucks sound like a TNT blast. You see a lot of things out of the corner of your eyes that are not there when you look straight at them. But you see them.

    You got sprung for telling the DA what he wanted, even though you knew the dealer you snitch would eventually get to you. And you lie for the DA anyway. You need out. You’re tired of being bitched by the bulls and the cons.

    Haitian Gerard is out on bail now, you hear, so you stay away from his turf.

    You remember you came into the bar once with a blue hospital bracelet on your wrist, fresh out of Riker’s infirmary. You tell Ricki you don’t have that psychosis thing even though that’s what the Riker’s nurse warned you about, shaking his head, knowing you were a lost cause.

    You want to kill Ricki but you don’t want to lose your source without a new one to replace her.

    You go to your seat at the bar, the far end away from the door.  Lazlo, the bartender kid, lets you sit there and nurse a Bud all night. You know he feels sorry for you, but you don’t care. He’s in college. So fucking what.

    Then, out of the corner of your eye, you see the Haitian come in and the bar lights go out.  Gerard is coming for you. You duck quickly behind the bar and roll under the wash stand. There’s just enough room. People are yelling.  A bang. Just one. People scream.

    The lights go back on and Ricki is on the ground with one little black hole right in her forehead. But big enough. A thick, shiny rivulet of blood seeps from it, rolls along the top of her right eyebrow over her ear and mixes with the sawdust on the ancient parquet floor.  People run out the door dialing 911 on their cell phones.

    You pull yourself out from under the washstand and the grease from it slicks your t-shirt. You feel the shit on your back.

    You head for the door. Wait. Ricki’s purse is laying on the ground, a beautiful nugget.  You rifle it and score some pills and rock. You run away, but wait, was that reflection that blinked at you for a moment from inside the bag a gold badge?  Maybe Ricki was a narc after all? Or maybe she wasn’t small time enough. This is the Haitian’s turf.  Fuck, you think, now you have to find a new dealer, far away from here.

  • Poem

    “What’s good?” from the other side.

    Great news: I’m alive and well in living color… just not in the way that you are used to… and for that I’m sorry.

    Did you get my message? The one left near the body I chose to leave behind?

    It’s been lonely… and I might not be there now… but I’m always with you.