Category: Uncategorized

  • Urinals

     

            U        
            URINALS
    I
    N
    A
    L
    S
    Vitreous, oft-white, wall-mounted, what runs
    flavid down each steep face collects in a font
    you’d never dip your fingers in. Public things,
    out of place in homes, their torso-like forms
    gleam in rows beneath bright humming tubes
    in windowless rooms behind doors that lack
    knobs.   Nearly half the first world knows all
    too irksomely the subtle variations of urinals,
    what vast differences can be made by height,
    style, proximity, number, partitions. (I write
    only in memory of feelings.) The greater half
    turns on heel, flees at the sight of them, fresh
    ly aghast at their peculiarity.   Like an algebra
    problem whose answer is a violin, the urinal’s
    fanciful shape is arrived into using a rationale
    of brutish functionality. This makes it lovely.
    Its glazed Art-Deco curves trace their origins
    to the propensity for male equipment to drip,
    drizzle, spray in a rake. Herein lies a urinal’s
    quiddity: At one, you must perform. At one,
    you can’t miss. You’re shooting into a barrel
    of fish. You can close eyes, can nod or rock
    back your head, stare at the ceiling, whatever
    you need to still your mind into the necessary
    zero from which a flow can begin. Flanked
    close by grown men, it is
    often not so
    easy
  • Will Over Reflex: Prose & Poetry

    Belief:  A Primer

    At her First 
    Communion
    she whirled 
    her head
    around 

    and mouthed
    the words
    Does anyone 
    believe this

    as crumbs
    of blood
    tickled
    the ends
    of her lips

     

    The Gallery: Disappearing Acts

     

    I’m not sure how it began, but soon my tongue started falling out of my face.
    At first it tingled, I pulled it lightly, then it kept unraveling until there it was, 
    looped in a single pile on the ground, what looked like miles of tongue tape.
    Red rope or fire hose or skin. A sculpture of tastebuds. And I wasn’t bleeding. 
    Just stood there, mouth emptied, tongueless.

     

    What did it feel like?

     

    I don’t remember any feeling, stood numb dumb mute, mouth open and empty. 
    Watching. And then the other bodies faces gathered to watch. It was a real show. 
    The Tongue Gallery. That’s what they called it.

     

    What happened then?

     

    After the show, after the clinking of glasses and the murmur of watching, a man 
    stepped forward. He stood next to me, before the pile, and pulled a Swiss Army 
    knife from his front pocket with the flourish of a magician beginning his act. All 
    became quiet.

    Everything blacked out, everything but the man, the pile, the knife – visibly dull 
    from too much whittling of wood or gutting of trout or carving off skins. Slowly 
    he circled and began to unravel the pile until it lay flat across the room, one 
    continuous track of tongue.

    He sliced cross-sections, slicing quickly down the line.

    A woman in a white suit assisted the man with the knife, delicately holding a tray, expertly collecting each slice. Slices lay atop the tray, layered in pinwheels the deep pink of medium rare, not bloody but far from the taste of live tongues flapping; pink slices fanned across the tray with catered delight. She offered them up as a delicacy and a souvenir, a reminder of the show that had been so sweet.

     

    And then?

     

    Each guest took a cocktail napkin and a slice, sniffing their morsel, then risking a small bite. Chewier than I expected, but such flavor shared a woman in ruffles and gold hoops. Best to take the whole slice in your mouth at once advised another woman in silver taffeta and knee-high boots. When the tray arrived before my eyes, I paused. Not wanting to be rude, but knowing I must refuse my slice, I held right hand over stomach and shook my head side to side. Must’ve eaten something strange for lunch whispered taffeta into white suit’s ear. And the tray moved on through the crowd, offering up its pinwheels of tongue, fanned delicately into infinity.

     

    And then?

     

    Grasp onto limbs
    hold onto the present-tense of bodies 
    slough off past and future pains 
    breathe in this room of shared skins

    tonight we fall asleep in calm tides of this lullaby.
    But sooner rather than later, we will awaken to a loud 
    cloud of smoke and tears, a towering pile
    of the nothing left behind.

     

    Seeing Them for the First Time 
    (For Cherie)

     

    i. 1989

    I took the day off
    from earth science
    and algebra and clay
    to drive over the
    George Washington Bridge
    and cry with people I didn’t know and some I did.
    We looked inside the casket thick red carpets muting
    a roomful of swallows and gulps the corners alive with whispers.

    Cousins twenty years older 
    are myths, a stolen whiff of 
    what you might someday be. 
    They kiss and drive
    and die before you, usually.

    He was young: electric eyes
    long lashes, a smile.
    My brother and I held
    each other saying nothing
    and later drove home across the river 
    in a quiet I can still hear 
    remembering Eddie.

     

    ii. 1963

    You know the sound 
    someone makes
    when they feel pain? 
    That’s what it sounded like 
    at my Cousin Joanne’s 
    open casket funeral
    as they lowered her into 
    wet Wisconsin ground.

    Everyone said we could be twins. 
    That afternoon I climbed 
    upstairs to her room
    and while I was running my
    hand over her hairbrush
    her sister walked past
    and screamed But you’re dead! 
    That day I was her ghost.

    Their house was on a farm
    at the top of a valley, their well 
    downhill from the pigpen.
    To make a long story short:
    as it flowed down, they drank
    the shit and she got cancer from it. 
    Dirty water gets you every time.

     

    iii. Outside Time: A Dream

     

    There were toilets on every floor. 
    Each overflowing, though not 
    how you’d expect.

    Each overflowing with 
    hard-boiled eggs.

    We worried but how to make it 
    stop? and when the worrying 
    became exhausting we stopped 
    and ate and dreamt and ate. 

     

    The Swallower’s Art

    The Sword Swallowers Association International – codename SSAI –
    is a non-profit organization home to a hundred or more amateur and pro 
    swallowers world round.

    Swallowers must learn the art of taming their gag reflex, a spasm of muscles 
    where throat meets esophagus: the esophageal sphincter, if you must know. 
    When you think about all the pills and spills we’re expected to swallow,
    our gag reflex is a throwback to another time and place and Life on Earth. 
    What began thousands of years ago as an act of divinity morphed into a bawdy 
    entertainment, then condemned as dark art in dark times of Inquisiting minds, 
    resurrected with circus sideshows carnival tents World’s Fair Coney Island 
    spectaculars by the shore.

    Swallowers train for years: the triumph of body over nature, will over reflex. 
    They begin with small household objects, spoons and knitting needles, before 
    moving onto wire hangers and knives. Then the solid steel swords begin,
    at least half-an-inch wide, fifteen inches long to pass snuff with the SSAI. 
    An oft-cited affliction of even the most skilled swallowers – other than death by 
    impaled aorta or burst stomach – is affectionately called “sword throat.”

    All fun and games until your left lung explodes from a 16-inch steel rod.

    Most celebrated swallowers are middle-aged men once-upon-a-time boys 
    catapulted into lifetimes on a late-night dare. Never as simple as: one day
    I stuck the blade in. For the burgeoning performer, there’s a first audience, 
    the clinch moment – to walk or stay, intoxicated by this little death so near.

    It all begins with that first swallow, the plunge.

  • Valravn (excerpt from a current work-in-progress)

    Valravn (excerpt from a current work-in-progress)

    A different wood; a different moon. This is the early moon, crescent as a fingernail, snagged in the silk of the still-pale sky. Barely dawn, when these sisters enter the wood with their snail buckets.

    I will gift them names: Ivy and Sweetbriar. Ivy is the prim, plain older sister, the keeper of wisdom. Sweetbriar is the fanciful, feral one, sheltered under her protection. Pairs of sisters in stories tend to be these types, I’ve noticed. One sense and one sensibility, as it were. One serious, law-abiding, scientific or religious – the other a madcap dreamer. Perhaps sisters naturally tend to arrive in sets of two, like seasoning shakers: paragon and renegade, preservative and spice. Complementary flavors, the two varieties of female success.

    “Sister,” whispers cherubic Sweetbriar, rosy-cheeked in the chill of the morning dew, still rubbing her eyes awake, “do you really think we can slay the Valravn?”

    Ivy consults her compass, checks the dagger on her belt. “I believe it is our duty,” she affirms. Solemn as a salt pillar beneath her hooded cloak, even as she refuses to look back.

    *

    The sisters live in a village at the edge of the wood. Their father is the milkman and their mother is the cheesemaker. They spend cool evenings by the fire in the big room of their simple stone cottage. Ivy steadily knits while Sweetbriar rolls yarn balls for their kitten, or tries to stand on her head, or clumsily plucks the lyre and sings, for many verses, songs she makes up on the spot all by herself. This is the first adventure they’ve gone on.

    It is out of the ordinary, the quest of two young girls to slay the Valravn. But sometimes a bold child must step up to address what the adults will not.

    *

    Since long before the sisters’ conceptions, the people of the village have made a yearly sacrifice to the Valravn. It used to be the heart of a stag. Then it was the heart of a horse. For the last three years, it has been the heart of a human being, selected by raffle at the festival. The Valravn craving ever more from their community’s lifeblood, a beloved soul hell-banished each time. They never went willingly, not when their number was called, not the blacksmith, nor the schoolmaster, nor the tavern’s proprietress. Every chosen villager cursed and screamed and begged for their lives. The Valravn, the community’s captor – but also, the elders maintain, their benefactor, bestowing riches not of this world, filling their wells with healing elixir, fecundifying their soil and their barnyards.

    Well. These two sisters have their own opinions about that. They work their chores. They fill their snail buckets. They know where the riches of these households come from.

    *

    The Valravn is half-wolf, half-raven. He stands on two vulpine legs like a human man and his pelt bristles with thick black feathers. He lives in a cave with all of human history painted on its walls in arcane symbols. His beak drips blood.

    He sears the hearts before he eats them, so the flesh cracks and blisters and the inside gleams back to life.

    *

    The girls walk through the cool of the morning into the heat of the day. By noon, Ivy carries Sweetbriar’s cloak and slippers as the latter wades in a babbling brook.

    “I’m hungry, Sister,” Sweetbriar says, outstretching her arms to balance on the wet stones.

    “We should not stop to eat, not till weakness claims us. We have just begun our journey.”

    “It’s hard to have adventures on an empty stomach.”

    “We eat none but what the Valravn gives us,” Ivy replies firmly. “Every mouthful we take before he lies slain, the deeper we sink into his debt.”

    “But Sister, you don’t believe what the elders say. The Valravn doesn’t give anything to anybody. He only takes.”

    “What the Valravn gives, consumes more than it provides. But nothing – we should wish it was nothing.”

    “Then how come you told me the Valravn never gave the village a single thing we needed?”

    “Because the Valravn doesn’t give the people what they need. He gives his acolytes what they want.” Ivy pauses to toss back the hood of her cloak and drink water from her leather flask. If Sweetbriar is unmistakably puppyish, Ivy is so slight and inscrutable, it would be hard for a stranger to guess her age. In her, youth is a kind of blankness. A stealth mode. “I didn’t tell you this, little one, but when I delivered cheese to the mayor’s house, the mayor’s wife – the chooser of hearts herself – invited me in out of the rain. I saw that she wore around her neck a curious new stone. Though the day was dark, it glimmered like a firefly. Like trapped magic.” Ivy refills her flask from the spring. “The Valravn gives presents to his favorites. That is why they do not keep him in check.”

    “But we don’t owe him anything. We would never take his bribes.”

    “Perhaps we would not. But our father has.”

    Sweetbriar stops splashing her feet in the current, looks up in disbelief. “No.”

    “Do you remember when Cow took ill past midnight? Lowed and lowed, and would not stand?”

    “I would remember, but I was sent back to bed.”

    “That night, when all other remedies had failed, Father pricked Cow with a silver spindle and Cow calmed enough to birth the stillborn calf feet first. The calf we ate in stew for a fortnight.” Ivy grows pensive, remembering. “It was not a spindle I had ever seen before.”

    “But it was a good thing, for Cow to live. We eat her cheese.”

    “Is it a good thing, if it’s gotten in an evil way?” Scolding: “Sweetbriar.”

    The child sighs and recites. “‘Nothing is good / that is not right. / What’s done in dark / will come to light.’”

     Ivy smiles, slightly. She may be the one driving this mission. But she knows she’d never be able to actually complete it without her little sister.

    *

    They won’t be missed for hours, not until dark. The forest is where they’re supposed to be. The forest, their parents like to say, is their education. The sisters spend most days combing the woods for snails, turning over every leaf. Some of the snails are food, and some of them are medicine, but the snails in this wood are not poisonous. Poisons do not grow in this forest. Not yet. The Valravn has arrived but there is still time before terror begins to bend the world around it.

    Innocence is still possible.

    *

    Ivy has obtained a map of the Valravn’s location, a map written in burn marks on hide. She will not tell Sweetbriar where she got it, and in truth, Sweetbriar does not wish to know. Ivy always finishes the worst tasks alone – it is the curse of the elder sister.

    A map like this does not come from a happy place. It smells of musk and ash that stains both girls’ fingers as they pour over it in a clearing, trying to find their way back to the path. The sky has turned overcast.

    “Perhaps we should have turned left, at Dubious Rock,” Ivy frets. “We may have to retrace our steps.”

    This is the sort of map that requires a legend to define its symbols – it bears scant resemblance to the wood in which they stand. Sweetbriar can make no sense of it at all. But she wants to seem grown-up enough to merit consultation. “Which way does the compass say?”

    Ivy takes the compass from her cloak and opens it for her sister. “Oh no.”

    Ivy sets it on a nearby tree stump, and together the girls watch the fine needle spin: first left, then right. Then in steady ticks, counterclockwise. Sweetbriar does not remember what this means. But Ivy does.

    “Aunt Hither-Thither,” she calls into the dark wood. “We know you’re near!”

    The spaces between the trees Escher into the trees themselves, grow dark as shadows on a velvet curtain. The air itself parts like a splitting cocoon.

    Their mother’s younger sister – though she looks far older – springs forth in frizzy braids with gaps in her smile, wearing the old, ragged skin of a cinnamon bear, leaning hard on her burl staff with its knob of riven quartz. Her hat Hygrocybe conica, a mushroom best left among the snail slime and rotten logs.

    “My babies!” she shrieks. Half cackle, half laying claim. “You scrumptious hunks of my sister’s heart!”

    *

    Aunt Hither-Thither, their mother’s sister, used to live in the village. She brewed elixirs in her cauldron, wore heavy lanyards of drying herb. She allowed skunklings to nest in her root cellar, and harvested their scent for bear deterrent she sold to the local foragers. Imagine that: a woman, unwed and unwashed, in her own filthy house, expressing the scent of a skunk for gold.

    Yet all of it was allowed. Aunt Hither-Thither was only expelled from the village because she began, covertly, to sell her potions in bulk to some of the housewives, to allow them to become home merchants of her goods – “sorceresses-in-training” was the expression that drew the most horror and ire – and, when exposed, refused to apologize for doing so. She would either have her coven, or she would make her way alone. The housewives stood, dead-eyed, by their husbands.

    She made her way alone.

    Sweetbriar was a babe-in-arms when Aunt Hither-Thither departed in disgrace. But Ivy remembers. She has thought about her aunt much over the years. Her aunt was powerful, yet she squandered that power to prove a point. She left the village, she did not steer it. She never faced the Valravn.

    *

    “We don’t need your help,” Ivy tells the old witch. “Sweetbriar, let’s go.”

    “Hogwash.” Aunt Hither-Thither is more amused than annoyed. “What brings you to my neck of the woods?”

    “It’s nobody’s neck,” Sweetbriar retorts. “We’re on a quest.”

    “A quest, huh? And maybe you thought you could swing by my place, pick up some enchanted gear? Some advice?”

    “We’re only here because we were lost. Fortunately I’ve found the way again.” Ivy rolls up the map but not before Aunt Hither-Thither catches a glimpse. She tries to snatch it but Ivy is too quick.

    “Kiddo.” Now serious as a heart attack: “Is that a page of the Dead Law Atlas?”

    “So what if it is?” Ivy lets her voice go cold and unbothered.

    “You’re in over your head, which isn’t screwed on properly, either.”

    “I know what I have to do. I know the prophecy.”

    The aunt’s expression grows stormier. “What do you know of the prophecy?”

    “I know only a child of the village can slay the Valravn.”

    “And what makes you think you’re that child?”

    “Maybe it’s me,” foreshadows plucky Sweetbriar. They both ignore her.

    “This isn’t make-believe,” Aunt Hither-Thither continues. “There won’t be a trail of breadcrumbs to lead you back. Are you really willing to do what’s necessary?”

    Ivy doesn’t flinch: “How do you think I got the map?”

    “There’s more to the prophecy than you know. Much more.” Aunt Hither-Thither scratches a chin bristle, thoughtfully. “The three of us ought to talk.”

    *

    Why did the other women join Aunt Hither-Thither’s coven in the first place, you might ask? Stooped even in youth, with her garb of rags and owlish unibrow, Aunt Hither-Thither was not a likely aspirational figure. And yet it was this very unlikelihood that did make her aspirational. It took a special certainty to commit so wholly to unholiness. To squat down in nature’s armpit and scrounge around for the secrets.

    The housewives wanted to know the things she knew, but they didn’t want to make the same sacrifices to know them. Ivy doesn’t care about sacrifices. She’s ready for this. She thinks of the old song, You’ll never see me cry. She takes her younger sister’s hand and leads her through the wood, toward the witch’s hut.

    *

    If the forest is their education, Aunt Hither-Thither’s part of it is a book with its leaves uncut. As they walk, the sisters don’t become more lost so much as more bewildered. Why are they on this path, rather than any other? How long have the trees been spiraling upwards, into these branching convolutions, gnarled as an old crone’s hands? If they, the girls, themselves grow old – a fate not guaranteed in light of their present task – what will they become?

    *

    The witch’s hut isn’t a hut at all. It’s part clapboard cottage, part covered bridge. The witch has built her home over a creek that runs through the wood, a little house rudely straddling a stream.

    “There’s a drain in the foundation that I use to discard waste,” she explains matter-of-factly. “Potions. Runoff from experimental fermentations. All manner of fluids. It gets in the water and the water gets in the dirt and everything that grows up out of the dirt. Soon this whole area will start to transform, no matter how the men of your village feel about it. Huh! Want to know how I know? Take a whiff on this side, where the water’s flowing in.”

    The girls smell the air before it passes beneath the shanty-truss. The water smells like… water.

    “Now over on this side.”

    They wouldn’t have noticed the difference, but when she points it out: pickle brine and varnish? With a just little hint of brimstone?

    “I’m not even home, and it’s extruding this much.” She slaps the building’s wall affectionately. “My house makes its own magic at this point. I’m that magical of a person. I feed the stream, and the stream feeds the river. And that’s why I’m well-equipped to advise you. Because I make almost as much good magic as the evil kind you’re going up against.”

    *

    The sisters don’t want to go inside the dripping house. You don’t either. I’m the first to admit it’s gross in there, in the lab of creation. Things writhing in jars. Roots with baby faces. Homemade glue. Menses. Even the good witches have to wrangle with what is. Any time you change what is, you produce a lot of waste. I’ll be the first to cop to that.

    *

    The aunt does what witches always do when they have children in their houses: she fires up her oven and puts her stew pot on to boil. Then she draws up a rocking chair at her hearth to tell them a story.

    It’s a story about the Valravn. But it’s not just about the Valravn.

    *

    “A new time is coming into the world. The future days will be the days of magic. The kind of magic we have now, it’s a magic of unbrokenness. If you ask me, we need to crack it a little. Shake a few pieces loose. Like I said, I’m a good witch, but this is one way Beaky von Beakerson and I are alike: we’re forerunners. Making the way for something new. Did your mother ever tell you that we met him?”

    “Mama met the Valravn?” Ivy, disbelieving: “Why didn’t she kill him?”

    “We were in the woods looking for snails and we found him curled up asleep in a nest on the ground. Blue black quills, shiny as wet ink. Pup paws that had never touched dirt. A hatchling. Your mother was just a kid, she took mercy on him. She’s had to live with that regret.”

    That explains a lot about their mother. The sisters have different theories as to exactly what.

    “Maybe you’re right,” Aunt Hither-Thither continues. “Maybe you are called to do this. Held accountable for her inaction. Doesn’t seem fair to me, but I don’t know how any of this is supposed to work. I do know, though, that the Valravn, he’s not the only seed that evil has sown. There are other monsters, like him and worse. Once he’s gone they’ll step up to replace him.”

    “Then we’ll replace them,” pipes up Sweetbriar. “Only, we’ll be the good monsters.”

     Aunt Hither-Thither laughs and laughs.

    *

    “Sweetbriar, I get the sense you’re a very young seven and a half,” Aunt Hither-Thither tells her niece. “So I’m giving you this amulet of protection. It’s a bezoar. You know what a bezoar is?”        

    “No.”

    “You don’t need to know.” She ties it around the child’s neck on its thick cord. “Ivy, I can tell you run headlong into danger. At least this way they won’t see you coming.” She strips off her cloak and flips it around for them to see its lining of invisibility before she hands it over.

    Aunt Hither-Thither packs the girls a basket before they go: tinctures and bandages and a canteen of vegetable stew that will never run cold or dry, whose flavor she describes as “nutritional.” Then she shows them the door. Before they know it, the girls are back where they started. It feels a little like the woods swallowed them up and spit them back out.

    Sisters walk in silence. Sweetbriar especially seems troubled. Her lower lip sticks out. The amulet hangs heavy around her neck.

    “What’s troubling you, little one?” asks Ivy after a time.

    Sweetbriar shoves her hands deep into the pockets of her dress. “If Aunt Hither-Thither’s magic is so great, how come we have to slay the Valravn alone?”

    “Perhaps her magic is not so great. Or perhaps…” Ivy shrugs, only slightly. But slightly is enough. “When Mama met the Valravn, Aunt Hither-Thither was there too.”

    “So?” Sweetbriar asks – but the clockwork in her head is starting to turn.

    “Aunt Hither-Thither didn’t slay him either. She told us that Mama has had to live with the guilt. But she didn’t mention anything about her own guilt.”

    Piecing it together: “Maybe Aunt let the Valravn live… and she isn’t even sorry about it?”

    “The mayor’s wife has no sorrow for what she’s done,” Ivy elaborates. “The well-compensated rarely do. Where do you think Aunt Hither-Thither got her great stores of magic?”

    “She said she made it all herself.”

    “That is what she said.”

    Sweetbriar hesitates.

    “But…”

    “But what, little one?”

    “Maybe Aunt’s not sorry because it’s not her fault. Mama is the big sister. She might have decided for both of them. She might have told Aunt what to do.”

    “Do you do everything I tell you to do?”

    Sweetbriar scowls on command. “No.”

    Ivy laughs merrily. “Oh Sweetie, you are incorrigible.”

    They walk a little farther, each lost in their own thoughts. The wood now once again conforms to the murky shapes on that map of soot and hide. Ivy can see them moving along its little line, like a cursor pulsing its way to a story’s inevitable conclusion. Sweetbriar has no notion of this at all. Her thoughts are on her mother and aunt, children themselves that long-ago day they stumbled upon a pitchy nest in the woods.

    What had happened when they spied the Valravn? Had it slept, and looked harmless, the way all babies do? Or did it open one yellow eye and promise them wishes – wishes with a condition only Aunt Hither-Thither was willing to accept? Suspicion gives a sick stomach to a child.

    “I don’t trust her,” Sweetbriar says out loud. She struggles to untie her amulet, desperately, as if it’s a millstone around her neck.

    “Sweetbriar, what are you doing?” Ivy shouts, but it’s too late. Sweetbriar chucks the bezoar as hard as she can, deep into the forest. It ricochets off a knotty tree trunk and disappears into the fallen leaves quite a ways away.

    “It was part of her plan,” Sweetbriar breathlessly announces. “Her plan to stop our quest. Maybe she enchanted it to make us fail, or get scared.”

    “Sweetbriar, how can you speak like that about your own aunt?” Ivy asks. But there’s something funny in the way she says it – something like pride. She’s taught her sibling well. “Go over there and look in the leaves. We need to examine it thoroughly before we jump to conclusions.”

    “Okay, but this’ll just prove me right. You’ll see.”

    Sweetbriar runs headlong into the forest, in the general direction of the bauble’s trajectory, her unkempt hair flying out behind her. The undergrowth is thick here, strewn with sticks and half-mulched deciduity. When her foot strikes the trap, she at first thinks it’s a branch snapping under her. Then the ground folds in – and the earth opens up – just like a room Redecorating itself.

    *

    What.

    *

    When Sweetbriar comes to, she sees her sister standing at the top of the hole, looking down at her. Silhouetted against the gloaming sky.

    “Can you move?” Ivy asks.

    Sweetbriar can’t even shake her head. She can feel the ooze from the crack in her skull.

    “Good.” Ivy throws in a rope and begins to climb down into the hole. Despite the difficulty of the task, she carries her empty snail bucket with her. “The Valravn prefers for the heart to be cut out while it still beats.”

    *

    This isn’t the story I thought I was telling.

    *

    When Ivy climbs back out, her blade is bloodied and her bucket is full. I gave her that dagger to protect herself, but it’s not just a dagger, is it? It got changed somehow. Into a hunting knife.

    Ivy doesn’t fill in the hole. She doesn’t need to. Even if you looked down there without falling in yourself – no small feat – you’d never see the child’s body under the invisibility cloak.

    *

    For some reason, Ivy walks through the forest with her little sister’s heart in a bucket.

    Fairy tales are full of female psychopaths. The witch with the spindle. The witch with the mirror. The witch with the gingerbread house. But it’s a strange thing, to witness that psychopathy in its beginnings. Psychopathy is too kind a word, in fact, because that suggests neurodivergence and the guiltlessness a diagnosis provides. This didn’t have to happen. This happening makes no sense.

    Ivy ties a red string to a bough. She’s just doing stuff at this point, as far as I’m concerned.

    *

    Why didn’t Aunt Hither-Thither go with the girls on their journey – Gandalf their hobbits, as it were? There’s no way she could have predicted this twist, but it was obvious enough they could use some adult supervision. Can we blame her? Should we blame her? Why is it that a woman always has to choose between her destiny, her creativity, her space – and watching the children? Even when the children aren’t her own?

    The amulet protected. The invisibility cloak hid. Aunt Hither-Thither told the truth: she made the magic all by herself. No good deed goes unpunished.

    *

    The Valravn is only able to hyperfocus late at night. He prowls the forest with every feather quivering like an antenna, drinking up the moonbeams, until the break of dawn. Then he returns to his cave nest, where he sleeps till afternoon in a bed of branch and bone. He understands human language, but his thoughts and emotions, if you can even say he has emotions, exist outside of language. That is what makes him supernatural. There will always be animals we haven’t discovered, but a beast like the Valravn isn’t an animal and he isn’t a person either. Even when we see him with our own eyes, he doesn’t fit the logic of our realm. He remains undiscoverable. That’s what makes him a monster.

    A human child has no such excuse.

    *

    Ivy is the villain of this piece. The villain, not the anti-hero. To make her an anti-hero, you’d have to remove every action that defines her. Strip Cruella of her furs.

    *

    Ivy arrives at the mouth of the Valravn’s lair, carefully sets the bucket on the stones. For crying out loud, does she plan to curtsy? When he emerges from the shadows, she mercifully does not. Maybe she’s too surprised. She has never seen a naked man before, but of course the Valravn is not a man, and perhaps not even naked. Plumage isn’t nudity, even when it covers a wolfish form.

    “I’ve brought something for you,” she says, and steps back from her offering. She watches as he stoops to feed. He didn’t eat the other hearts raw. None of them were this tender. Did Ivy’s red string foretell the sight of his raptorial maxilla tearing this muscle to bloody shreds? Whoever coined the expression “eats like a bird” clearly never saw a ravenous one.

    The Valravn rolls his neck and stretches back up to his full height, or at least the full height his cave will allow. He does not transform into a stygian knight, but the meal has affected some change in him, infused him with a brief magnanimity. A beastly courtesy. His yellow eyes are twin suns, suns from another galaxy, dead suns still flickering in the night sky. Wishing suns. It is time for Ivy to get her heart’s desire. What will it be? What could it be? I don’t dare to hazard a guess.

  • Women’s War

    Faruk Šehić was born in Bihać, Bosnia and Herzegovina, in 1970, just in time to experience the war (1992-95) as an officer in the Army of Bosnia and Herzegovina, leading a frontline combat unit. A poet forced to be a warrior, he strives in his work to recover the value of life and literature destroyed by violence. His sentences are sharp because he wants to stab us with them so we too can feel the pain. They are relentlessly beautiful because the world does not need us to exist. His first novel, Quiet Flows the Unawon the Meša Selimović prize for the best novel published in the former Yugoslavia in 2011, and the EU Prize for Literature in 2013. His novels, stories, and poetry have been translated in many languages, published in dozens of countries. He is a devout fisherman.
     

    Aleksander Hemon, author of My Parents: An Introduction/This Does Not Belong to You (FSG) and professor of creative writing at Princeton University 


    Nađa is a kid. Greta is an elderly woman. Nađa goes to secondary school, she’s not quite a kid but that’s how I refer to her. From time to time, her friends visit our refugee home. One of them has a fair complexion, blue eyes. I sometimes think she eyes me furtively, but I pretend not to notice because I am a soldier, a grown man, although I am only about twenty. Then again, it’s not proper for kids to fall in love with young adults. I’ve no time for love; I’ve devoted myself to other things. Amongst them war, but I’ve mentioned that more times than one. Comradeship with other soldiers, friends, acquaintances, rakia and weed, but I’ve mentioned that, too. One might say it’s a case of fraternal love between young men, but that’s quite beside the point now.

    I soon forget about Nađa’s friend, for one must press on, one must be mature as long as there’s a war on; I’ve no time for by-the-ways like love. Love, at the moment, is a bit stand-offish towards abstractions such as homeland or nation. There is, however, such thing as true love for things quite concrete and tangible, like home, street or town. Here I mean the lost home, the lost street, the lost town. The town has lost us and we are alone in the universe. It’s not the town’s fault, and it isn’t ours, either.

    I don’t know what Nađa is thinking about and I don’t take her seriously. Nađa spends time with Greta. The two of them live in a world of their own. Greta raised Nađa, she is like a second mother to her. Greta is an elderly woman, very wise and knowledgeable. Nađa and Greta play patience and listen to Radio Rijeka on a set connected to a car battery. Greta is a passionate smoker, she loves crosswords but there aren’t any in wartime. Inside the radiobox Andrea Bocelli and Sarah Brightman sing “Time to Say Goodbye.”

    It’s as though Greta and Nađa were two dispossessed noblewomen. Greta, of course, is a countess, Nađa her right hand. They have now been expelled from their county. Nobody knows them; the faces in the street are strange. None treat them with due respect. In turn, the two of them don’t much care what people in their new town think about them. Greta and Nađa listen to the news, remembering the number of shells that have fallen on such and such town on a given day. They remember the number of dead and wounded, because we all do. It’s an informal sport of sorts, it may become an Olympic discipline someday, and it consists of a radio speaker informing us in a distraught voice that such and such number of howitzer, mortar and cannon shells were fired on town XY during an enemy attack on the very heart of the town. Greta and Nađa are able to tell howitzer and cannon shells from one another, because the former fly a lot longer than the latter and you have time to find cover. They learnt this from our father. At times, radio reports made mention of surface-to-air missiles, which are used – ironically enough – not to shoot down aeroplanes but to destroy our cities and towns. For nothing is the way it may at first seem in war.  The missiles have poetic names: Dvina, Neva, Volna. The surface-to-surface missile Luna has the prettiest name. One missile landed near our house, the blast lifted a few tiles off the roof. Dry snow seeped through the hole in the roof onto the concrete steps carpeted with varicoloured rag-rug. The cold falls into our home vertically.

    Greta & Nađa remember all that. Nađa goes to school. Greta stays at home with our mother. Father and I are on the frontline all the time. The radio-sport of remembering the body count and the destruction of towns and cities spreads to every house without exception, be it inhabited by locals, or by refugees. It goes without saying that we, being refugees, couldn’t have possibly brought our own houses along on our backs like snails can and do, so the houses we’ve moved into have become the way we are – homeless, with few possessions and many human desires.

    Suada, our mother, is the barycentre around which all things and living beings in our home orbit. Apart from Greta & Nađa, there is also a little tomcat, as well as a dog that has survived distemper and twitches a bit as he walks. His name is Humpy Horsey, after a character from a Russian fairy tale. Father and I are optional subjects in our refugee family portraits, as we are seldom home.

    Suada looks after our civilian lives. Every year she takes a horse cart to a remote village where she plants spuds. The yields range from 500 kg to 700 kg. This guarantees that we won’t starve, in case we also don’t die in some other way, and the ways to die are many, and they form part of life. 

    Once I was detailed to spade up a patch of the green behind our house. I was at it until Mother saw me toiling and moiling, my face flushed, pushing the blade into the hard soil with the sole of my boot. She snatched the spade from my hands and did the job herself. I was dismissed, and I could go out, where my mates were, were the alcohol was.

    Suada procured not only victuals but also articles of clothing to meet our modest needs. Thus I was issued a terry robe with an aitch emblazoned on the chest, and I called it Helmut. A kind-hearted Helmut donated his robe and helped me feel a bit like a human being. It’s not advisable to feel like too much of a human being though, lest your being assume an air of haughtiness, and you become toffee-nosed, as they say in the vernacular. A being could get all kinds of ideas into its head. It might lust after this or that, and there is neither this nor that to be got in the new town. Unless you have a lot of money. Still, even with money, many pleasures remain out of reach, and all they do is feed our fancy and lend us faith in a future better than counting shells and remembering body counts.

    That is the main sport in our County. It’s just about to go Olympic.

    Nađa grows and goes to school. Greta is always the same. Patience, news and Radio Rijeka playlists shape their time. They have a room of their own – they may have been expelled from their lands, but they’ve retained some trappings of nobility. Greta sends Nađa out to survey the prices of foodstuffs on the black market, things such as oranges, juice, chocolate. Nađa returns and briefs Greta, who decides what will be purchased. Sometimes Nađa fetches ingredients and Greta bakes a cake. This happens when Greta receives money from her relatives in Slovenia. The two of them have a special nook in the wardrobe where they stash their goodies. Inside the radio, the blind Andrea Bocelli and  Sarah Brightman sing “Time to Say Goodbye.”

    Suada looks after the house and all the living beings in and around it. The little tom is becoming less and less little. At some point I can no longer remember what happens to him, he vanishes into a mysterious feline land, far from the radio reports, far from the laundry soap with which we wash our hair, far from the bath tub mounted on four bricks, far from the cold tiles of the toilet in which I often see my face, distorted with weed and alcohol because it cannot be otherwise. It is the same bathtub in which Mum washed the shot-through blood-encrusted camo vest I strutted about in during nocturnal piss-ups, flaunting my spoils. I’d stripped a dead Autonomist, as if I was about to wash him and wrap him in a white shroud for funeral. But he remained lying on the melting crust of snow on a slope overgrown with stunted conifer. Almost naked, in his pants and boots with socks showing. He lay there for a few days before somebody thought we should bury him, then dig him up again to swap him for victuals.  For we were made by nature, and to nature we shall return, naked like the day we were born.

    Nađa goes to school, and school, like war, drags on forever. Greta plays patience, feeds Humpy Horsie, feeds the tom who pops down from the mysterious feline land every now and then because he misses us (at least I like to think so), and the birds, for Greta loves all living beings.

    Suada picks pigweed in the dales and meadows. She is a pigweed gatherer, in pigweed dwelleth iron, and iron we need to keep the blood red. Greta and Nađa may well be blue-blooded, what with that room of their own, whilst Mum, Dad and I sleep in the sitting room. The tom slept there, too, before he broke away to live a life of roaming and roving. When he was little he would stalk me, and when I blinked in my sleep he’d give me a brush with his paw. Humpy Horsie is growing up and twitches less and less. Prognoses are good for Humpy, even the end of war may be in sight, but we cannot afford to have such high hopes, we are not accustomed to such luxury. Therefore we cannot allow ourselves to entertain fancies and reveries about a better world that is to come. We are wholly accustomed to this one, like a lunatic is used to his straitjacket. Although all fighters are wont to declare that they would get killed on the frontline eventually, deep inside I believe I will survive, but I don’t say it because I don’t want to jinx myself.

    Smirna is a pal of mine. She works as a waitress, rumour has it she moonlights as prostitute, which is of no consequence to me as I’m not interested in rumours, even if they’re true. I’m interested in human beings as such, and Smirna is one, and so am I. Majority opinions don’t interest me, I don’t cave under peer pressure, I rely on what my heart tells me. The only difference between the two of us is that she isn’t a refugee. Smirna likes to read, I’ve lent her a copy of Mishima’s novel The Sailor Who Fell from Grace with the Sea. She’ll likely never return it, there’s a war on, who would remember to return a borrowed book in times like these? I remember the closing sentence: Glory, as anyone knows, is bitter stuff.

    Zuhra, known as Zu, is a friend of mine. We’ve known each other since before the war. When you say since before the war, it’s as though you remembered that you once used to live in a lost kingdom, the same one in which Greta & Nađa had been noblewomen. In the days of the Kingdom of Before-the-War, Zuhra worked at a video rental, I rented tapes at her shop. We listened to the same music, we patronised the same regal café. She once sent me a beer with a dedication note to the frontline. Zuhra is young and combative, she doesn’t lack optimism. We listen to grunge music, we drink beer and rakia. It makes us happy. Although we are young, we know full well that there’s something missing. Someone has taken something from us and refuses to give it back. We don’t know what that something is called, or what it looks like, but we do know it’s something very important for our young lives. Older adults feel the same way, they, too, have had something taken away from them, they, too, don’t know what it’s called or what it looks like. When someone takes something like that away from you, it’s too late for common sense. The only thing you know is that there’s a hole that’s getting larger and larger and there’s nothing you can fill it with.

    Zuhra is strong enough not to think about these things. That’s what we’re both like, that’s why we’re friends. We’ve known each other since the days of the Kingdom of Before-the-War. We like to spend time together because it makes us feel that the hole in and around us is shrinking, if only by a smidgen.

    Azra, too, is strong and upright. She is tall and beautiful in a special way. I was on a perilous line once, beech and hornbeam trees outside were crackling with cold, Azra phoned me via the brigade phone exchange. One flick of the switch on the switchboard, and we were transported to a realm of magic where nothing was impossible. She was at home, her civilian receiver in hand. I was in a dugout, holding the olive-green receiver of a military field phone. I keep it away from my ear; the phone is prone to tiny electrical surges that zap the ear-lobe. During my stint at that line on Padež Hill I wore Azra’s turquoise scarf. It held the smell of her skin and the swoosh of unknown seas, a memory of all the kingdoms we lost, and all the ones we might someday regain.

    I envy her for the fact that her family home is intact. All things inside are in the same place all the time: the photographs on the wall, the telly, the sofa, the armchairs, the tables, the doors, the shelves above the basin in the bathroom. Immobility is a virtue. When you get uprooted from your pot and forcefully transplanted into another one, all you want to do is strike root and stay put. Books gather dust as if the war never happened. Azra’s house keeps the memory of a bygone peace. It is peace.  When I come over and talk to her parents I feel like a phantom. As if I’m making things up when I say that we, too, had a house and a flat before the war, a family history of our own, that is now undocumented, since we no longer have any photos.

    Azra works at a café, I’m constantly on the frontline. Sometimes, on leave, I drink at her work and I don’t pay. With her wages she’s bought a pair of Adibax trainers, and we admire them, although the brand name betrays a counterfeit.  Matters not, the trainers are new, fashionably designed, worthy of admiration. Sometimes she buys a Milka chocolate and a can of proper coke for each of us, and we give our mates a slip. We hide behind the wooden huts where smuggled consumer goods are sold, and we greedily eat the chocolate and drink the coke. That is also how we make love, furtively, in places secret and dark. Azra keeps me alive by loving me. I have a higher purpose now, something loftier than bare life and the struggle for survival.

    Dina is a strong, brave young woman. She has a child with the same name as me. I used to see her around in the Kindom of Before-the-War. I was younger than her and we were never formally introduced, the great generational gaps that existed in that realm were difficult to close. Black-and-white was the kingdom, it was the eighties, films with happy endings, New Wave.

    Dina works in catering, like Azra and Smirna, due to the circumstances. We’re sitting in the garden of her refugee house. We’re drinking instant powder juice from jars: glasses are superfluous in war. All glasses are broken, all hands bloody. As Azra and I kiss feverishly, our bodies intertwined like in the sculpture Laocoön and His Sons, Dina’s son darts towards the road wanting to hug a car, but Dina catches him in the nick of time and my little namesake is safe. Azra and I were charged with keeping an eye on him, but our kisses took us far from reality. We drink Step Light instant juice from pickles jars, because we’ve been expelled from our empires, and now we can be barbarians if we jolly well please. We’re entitled to all kinds of behaviour, and getting a-rude and a-reckless is just our style. We all fight in our own way. Women’s war is invisible and silent, but it is of vast importance, though we men on the frontline selfishly think we matter the most. There are women medics and women fighters on the frontlines. I can never forget a young female fighter I once saw, and her firm, confident gait. From one of her shins, through a tear in her uniform trousers, jutted out the nickel-plated bars of a fixation device.

    Greta & Nađa play patience. Suada manages the planets of our household solar system. Azra, Dina and Smirna work at their cafés. Zuhra waits for her brother to return from the front. She also waits for us, her friends, to return so we can hang about. Somehow, all things grow and eventually collapse, like a great big wave when it finally reaches the shore. Someone in us plays patience, goes to school, does chores, washes up in a smoky boozer, goes to the front, digs spuds, someone in us laughs at us and our lives. We have an ancient life force inside, and it refuses to leave us. The blind Andrea Bocelli and Sara Brightman sing “Time to Say Goodybe.”


    Translated from the Bosnian by Mirza Purić.
    This story originally appeared in Under Pressure (Istros Books). Reprinted with permission from the publisher.

  • Variations on the Topic of Eros

    Variations on the Topic of Eros

    Spring Cleaning

    Now that you are not here, I don’t know what to do

    with everything that was once yours. I start with the objects:

    the photographs, the notebook, the book

    that weighs just as much as you weighed

    when you’d hang on my arm.

    The clothes: your trousers,

    the shirt that you gave me and is now the memory

    of absence. I continue: the thoughts that build up

    in the most remote corners of the body:

    glop after glop after glop of desire,

    nauseating like syrup.  

    And the devotion that I learned to feel,

    the offering from your palm to my lips: what should I do now

    with the room in my gut dedicated to worship. Finally, the memories:

    inside a box inside my head, within the doubt

    inside the silence, within oblivion, in the tide

    that moves you closer and away,

    closer and away. I will find a spot where I’ll place you,

    a spot where you’ll sleep ‘til I can

    see your face without parting the seas and diving

    into the buried soul. Memories are not memories

    if they cannot be accessed.

    I will get rid of you as a snake does:

    shed my skin and forget it in the underbrush. And every

    single thing that used to be yours will stay there, rotting in the leaves

    of a neverending fall.

     

    Today, walking along with Núria

    Today, walking along with Núria,

    we saw clouds with pink wombs,

    pregnant with virtue. And I thought of you,

    and your body, and myself.

    I wonder if you know. If you know

    that yesterday you opened up my pink womb and

    spilt what I carried inside.

    I wonder if you know that, when my body vibrated

    and you trembled and panted,

    you were slowly pulling out my desire from inside,

    like a magic trick.

    And I wanted my hands

    to sink into your back, like roots;

    and I wanted to make you wish you could melt.

    I don’t know if you know you are first, but last night

    we loved twice and each time our skins met

    I hoped I’d be killed from the pleasure.

    If the world had dissolved,

    if the bed had flooded or someone

    had come into the room, we would have kept going,

    our bellies linked as if it was wrong to separate them,

    pink flowing and staining the sheets.

    I wonder if you know all of this,

    or if you’d like to see me again.

     

    Womb

    My body is all I have: the only truth.

    I don’t have thoughts, or feelings,

    or wishes, or reasons: I just have my body

    which is the earth where you can plant

    your orchard. I am the literal body,

    the weight of the organs inside of me,

    under the skin. Ask me who I am and I’ll say:

    if you were to open my side with a spear,

    only blood would come out. The fruit of the earth

    is my body, and the fruit of my body

    is my surrender: bite

    the apple – it’s sour

    just like you like it.

    Two Rushes

    Near the shore,

    savouring you: fruit

    of dark skin, viscous.

    Run your hand through my hair,

    for I’m yours and I get rid of my spirit

    to become just a body

    glazed in saltpeter,

    stuck to the burning

    sand. Listen to the waves

    crashing over me.

    Just like two rushes from a nearby reed,

    we bend our pleasure to the beat of our joy.

     

    Variations on the Topic of Eros

    To love you like the bird that grows from my groin:

    to fall into your arms, intoxicated, wounded by the beak

    and the feathers. Even better:

    to bloom over you like a fire,

    to turn into fruit, into seed; to tear up desire

    and wear it as a cape.

    I make your body my plentiful field,

    and in the evenings I sit on the plot and I taste

    its sweet fruit. You’re skilled on the land

    and fertile in bed.

     

    Post-coital

    After making love I pick up a towel and wipe

    your skin. You get my t-shirt

    from under your back and hand it to me saying here you go

    and I secretly think to myself:

    oh, how I wish this was everything there was to life,

    your giving me my clothes, extending your hand toward me

    with a gentle gesture, corporeal and true,

    and I could say again and again

    gràcies, t’estimo and kiss your forehead.

    Slowly, reality changes:

    whatever was hidden suddenly returns from the depths

    and stands in front of us, apparent like a mountain,

    as if desire had eclipsed all of the objects,

    the thoughts, the truths, and now they came

    crawling back, became visible again.

    And, maybe because you’re near, I think about destiny,

    just like near death

    even atheists think about God.

    I think about how this moment,  

    your soft sex so close,

    weaves into tomorrow inexplicably,

    a puzzle from nature which, with luck,

    we won’t ever need to solve.

     

    Revenge

    This poem is my revenge:

    a caricature of who you were

    on top of the image of who you are. Like a kid who, about fire,

    only remembers how painful the burn,

    so shall I only remember you

    by the sharp edges

    of these lines on white paper.

  • You are the bull’s eye

    You are the bull’s eye.
    You are the bull’s eye in my dream.
    Your eye, directed at me
    In the field.
    I am so much field.
    Your eye in the field
    Does violence to me.
    I lose sight of your eye
    And I do violence to you.
    Neither of us touch each other.
    Though we move
    To each other as to a target.
    But the bull in the field is stone.
    In the field I let you go like some flash
    I would carry in my retina.
    I fantasize about the stone in my retina.
    The stone, a thing that presses down.
    I cannot see past it.
    My retina got stuck in the pool of itself.  
    You are my retina like a rind.
    You are my retina like a rind of stone.
    You are the image of my origin, pressing down
    On me like a father or mother.
    I press my nails into your image.
    I get lost there.
    I need help against you even though you don’t exist.
    I milk my longing for you
    Like I’m a cow with an udder full of milk.
    I produce the milk of pain.
    All the milk of pain floods my eyes like a swamp.
    I swim in the thick of you.
    You smell like a rind.
    I do not know where you are, but I press my nails into you,
    I scrape against you
    With my love.
    The stone of you scrapes me. But that is just a dream.
    This is a dream field, a field dream. 
    My body is intact,
    Blank as shot.
     
    I mirror you. I am alone.
     
    I repeat my location to myself.
    You are a scorpion in my eye.
    My eye is a large scar of you.
    I cannot see past my scar.
    I cannot see past the scorpion.
    I suck the rind of your stone.
    I suck your rind like I suck on history.
    It goes beyond the edges of my body.
    I wish I could enter the stone.
    I want to enter the stone.
    The stone that drops like a horrid tear.
    I suck your foundations.
    But you are not a stone.
    I have no mouth.
    I have no body.
    I cannot tell. Drowning in everything
    That has no angle,
    Like a swamp, like a sea.
    This is not love.
    This is not love.
    This is simply a book being written.
    This is desire bleeding out the sides
    Of the page,
    Desire like a balloon,
    Desire like a bull with its one horn
    And your one horn of eye
    Or mine
    As we divide each other
    With a desire,
    As we divide each other 
    Like a piece of writing
    I read,
    A piece of writing,
    Piece by piece
    Like tasting a horn,
    A bullet,
    A thing that penetrates
    The field
    Like an eye
    But in the eye is also the field
    And it is the eye that fills up
    It is the eye that is an opening
    A net
    To catch desire,
    To hold it like a rind
    Of origin, an origin
    Of smithereen,
    An eye that opens and opens
    Until there is nothing to see
    Or be seen, nowhere to see
    Or be seen, although a voice
    Keeps opening onto the
    Field, opening
    Like a grain in a sea,
    And the grain is buoyant.
    The grain does not sink.
    It is the grain that reveals
    The surface of a depth,
    That tells the story
    Of all that moves before it,
    So we can see what moves the grain,
    So we can tell of all that
    Moves the grain.
     
  • Vijay R. Nathan’s Breakdown Dancer Takes the Floor

    How many poetry books offer playlists to accompany your reading?  Breakdown Dancer by Vijay R. Nathan contains three “Anthems”, song sets ranging from Lady Gaga to Robert Palmer, that underscore a book of compelling generosity and experience.

    If “dystopia” and “end times” have become buzzwords of mid-Covid zeitgeist, Nathan enters the conversation with “breakdown”, a term that encompasses the macro crises going on out there in the world, but more particularly in his case, the personal journeys of his speaker.  The voyager in Nathan’s work is someone who brings philosophy, spirituality, identity, and romance to a life’s journey. He describes in these poems frayed religious and family heritage, mental crises, love, loss, and absurd moments of redeeming humor. From the title poem, “Breakdown dancer”:

    “It has long been understood that manic-depressives run
    in fancy panties.
     
    Back up dancers who have a clever retort
    to anxiety drive thoughts are more likely
    to develop the ‘Disquiet’…
     
    …An ambulance screams ‘Applesauce!
    Applesauce!’”  
     

    Nathan writes mostly in free verse, but he also deploys several poetic forms.  Check out the “Motel 6 Rendezvous”, a paradelle.  There are several sonnets, a couple of ekphrastic poems, and a humorous, slightly disturbing tangle of text messages that comprise “This is Not Not a Love Poem”, which begins with the enticing, “I want to axe-throw with you.”

    His language is sometimes straightforward; some poems, narrative.  But many poems are lyrical and absurdist.  They capture the tricks and traps of spiritual inquiry, longing for love, or just lived experience in a fractured age, that quest for wisdom balancing on the blade of a knife, with downfall and mirage waiting to either side.  Nathan takes us through these slips and insights with vivid, humorous imagery, as in “Everybody’s Got Something to Hide Except Me and Nietzsche”:

    “Now, a fleeing philosopher, as evasive
    as he is indirect, his moustache is coated
    with chocolate milk.
                            Neptune sends
    Mercury flying into retrograde Friedrich
    leans in, his eyes shut.”  

     

    Some poems trace his growing up on Staten Island.  “Pradakshina”, Hindu for ritual circumambulation, depicts his yearning in middle school for a girl who circles his block on her bike.   

    Several poems explore dimensions of Nathan’s identity as a first-generation Indian American moving through the world.  “Sacred Threads” describes a series of encounters, ranging from his students to his father, that probe his own sense of who he really is.

    “I place ‘Other’ as my ethnicity. I no longer assert I’m Hindu
    having laid claim as Western Buddhist, only to be commonly
    asked: “What’s really the difference?”
     
    My dad jokingly asserts that perhaps it was a waste to give me a
    sacred thread ceremony if it only took a decade for me to find a
    new path into Truth.
     
                Om, shante, shante, shante.”

     

    “An Indian-American Travels in Poland on a Night Train” bridges questions of identity—a stripper confuses the speaker for an African American—with one of the psycho-medical breakdowns that occur throughout this book.  Hospital experiences give rise to feverish perceptions like this one from “Above Us Only Sky”:

    “The mother coughs, momentarily turns blue
    Blue is the color of Lord Krishna’s skin…
    …The past leaves a wondrous rainbow of scars
    Professionals categorize the illness
    The illness is something he cannot control.” 

    Profound poems arise, too as revelations from a spiritual journey that moves beyond history, failed romantic love, and even the consolations of philosophy.  “The Place Where All Things Converge” begins with the solidity of Information Sciences (Nathan is a librarian by training) and leads to mysterious experience:

    “Sometimes, this cherry picking uncoils
    Kundalini,
    manifesting past apparitions, they appear
    everywhere.”   

     

    Global travels bring back such souvenirs as joining Buddhist monks on their daily alms-gathering (“Alms Rounds in Fang Valley”).  The book’s final poem, “Sphinx of Black Quartz, Judge My Vow” is a complex exploration of the uses and misuses of mindfulness as practiced and sold today.  This pilgrim travels with open eyes and a ready pen.

    Some poems jump off from familiar experiences: drinks at a rooftop bar, “#NoFilter”; overheard conversations, “Indoor Voices”; or flights of sci fi fantasy when cornered in a bookstore by an aggressive match maker, “The Anarchy Acrobats”.  These poems may start from an everyday urban encounter, but in Nathan’s hands, they can soar into visions of giddy silliness.  And silliness can redeem a lot of breakdown.

    Love poems abound: requited, unrequited, soulful and sweet.  “Friendship Exchanges, Or The Sun, the Moon and the Light” traces in seven pairs of contrasting lines and a central one, “It’s never about us when you’re with me”, the evolution and devolution of a close friendship.

    Spending time in the world of Vijay R. Nathan is entering into a kaleidoscope of information, insight and heart. (Full disclosure, he has published my work in Nine Cloud Journal, which he edits.)  Breakdown Dancer explores a questing, open, generous need to really know and love the world, for all its downfalls and dystopias.  These poems play the dating game without being too bitter; recall the past without being too regretful; portray illness and breakup without being too despairing; and seek a way forward with honesty, bravery, and humor.

    A companion like this can go a long way in times like these.

  • Viola Sororia

    Viola Sororia

    Grandmother loved the Latin names of the flowers she’d raise in her greenhouse and in her garden. She believed you should know everything about the things you love.

    She made the rounds in the afternoon from one area of the garden to the other: the rose patch, the dark ivy twisting around a metal arch leading to the left of the house, the white lotus flowers floating on the pond on the other side.

    She told us never to lean over the pond, even if the frogs called to us or the goldfish swam near the surface. It was deceptively deep. She also told us to never walk on the edge of the terrace, where the wild violets wilted over the side, ready to drop to the garden below.

    Her home was a castle surrounded by beds of flowers and grass with the Marmara Sea a few steps below.

    ***

    Grandmother’s childhood home had a long decorative pool in the center of the foyer lined with marble columns.

    Her father would place her between them for portraits in silk dresses and braided hair. She’d spend her days taking long walks with her nanny, along the coast or to her aunt’s house. She’d walk around the garden with the gardener or watch the laundress who would come once a week to wash the family’s clothing.

    Grandmother’s house had use of natural gas, running water, heating, and drinkable tap water. Her father, Ali Raif Bilek, was a major civil engineer in Turkey. He’d travel often for work; six months at a time, so Grandmother rarely saw him when she was growing up.

    In 1951, Ali Raif began construction on the Birecik Bridge which crossed the Euphrates River. It was completed in 1956. During that time, Ali Raif also purchased the first automatic washing machine available in Turkey. He was a man invested in the future.

    One of his ancestors was Sultan Bayezid II’s subaşı, a post similar to chief of security. The  subaşı was also in charge of setting up the Sultan’s tent when he traveled.

    Such men were described as hesabini bilen—“men who settled their accounts.”

    ***

    Growing up, grandmother came to depend on her mother. Her mother fixed all the misunderstandings between father and children and kept harmony in the house. Her father was often irritable. He flung a plate across the dining room once because he was displeased with dinner.

    He had softer sides, too, she said.

    He would sing arias in his room when he thought no one was listening. He took his wife to clinics all over Europe to find a cure for her migraines. He sent Grandmother a surprise ticket to Geneva as a high school graduation present. He had his money and his gestures.

    One night, Ali Raif invited a neighbor, Hüseyin, to dinner in return for fixing their new washing machine. Grandmother treated him with courtesy and served tea and coffee. After, Hüseyin begged his older brother to meet Grandmother and spoke of her with admiration.

    The brother, named Asim, put a hand on Hüseyin’s shoulder.

    He told him, Dear little brother, I can’t marry a rich girl. We’re just a modest family from Anatolia.

    But the brother’s aunt and mother also knew of Grandmother and insisted he meet her.

    They went to a waterfront cafe in Suadiye on the northern shore of the Marmara Sea. Then, to a pastry shop in Beyoglu and walked down Istiklal Avenue.

    After that, they would meet secretly to talk and drink coffee together.

    ***

    The day Asim went to Grandmother’s home to ask her father for her hand, Ali Raif said, This will not work.

    A family friend had advised Ali Raif against allowing Grandmother to marry Asim.

    He wouldn’t suit your family, the friend had said.

    Around the same time, Grandmother’s sister, Tina, was going through a divorce. Ali Raif could not allow another doomed marriage among his daughters.

    Devastated, Asim left the country on a business trip. Grandmother sent him a letter asking him to be patient. She wanted to marry him.

    ***

    Asim was living with his brother Kerim and his mother in the seaside town of Yeşilköy. He decided to rent an apartment in a wealthier district for his soon-to-be wife and himself before their wedding.

    Grandmother purchased the living room and bedroom furniture and Asim completed the dining room and kitchen. But he was worried. He was about to marry a girl who was used to more than he could offer.

    A close friend reminded Asim that Grandmother’s family wealth provided her with a good education and etiquette. She had traveled more, and as a result, she had seen more.

    Grandmother’s fluency in French and English would aid Asim during business trips and in deciphering manuals for machinery that would arrive for his factories from foreign companies.

    After a year in their new apartment, Asim asked Grandmother if they could move back to Yeşilköy.

    She said yes, and they moved into a two-floored house with Asim’s other brother, Kerim, and mother. They lived on separate floors but shared all their meals together.

    Asim’s mother would set the table for breakfast and dinner. She would never place glasses for water. Grandmother had to remind herself that in the village where Asim and his family came from, they rarely drank water because if you wanted any, you had to get it yourself from the well.

    Asim’s brother, Kerim, was paralyzed, having fallen from a tree in their garden when he was in seventh grade. He was climbing to the top in search of delicious figs. A thick branch broke his fall, but his hips caved in and he was left paralyzed from the lower chest down.

    Grandmother showed me the same fig trees that stand outside our house walls. The figs fall, forming red and green fleshy graves for stray dogs and cats to stride over.

    Grandmother played pinochle with Kerim and they gossiped about their neighbors.

    One morning, Kerim threw a Quran into the furnace and Grandmother had to convince Asim that his brother needed professional help. They couldn’t live like this.

    Asim took Kerim to various doctors in search of miracle cures. Kerim was sent to a psychiatric hospital in Vevey, Switzerland for a few years.

    The nuns soon demanded Kerim be taken back home after he’d set himself on fire by pressing a lit cigarette onto his mattress.

    Asim and Grandmother brought Kerim back home and he died a few years later.

    Grandmother cried. She still cries whenever someone mentions Kerim’s name.

    ***

    Grandmother had three children. She also became a board member of Asim’s company.

    She visited the factories and offices. She posed for photographs at openings, ceremonies, and celebrations. She kept her home clean and beautiful. She picked fresh flowers from her garden every day.

    During a check up, her doctor saw a shadow on her breastbone. Her doctor said if was cancer, he could remove the breast or just the cancerous portion.

    Remove the whole thing, Grandmother said.

    You did this to her, Asim told their three children.

    The day after surgery, a nurse walked in and told Grandmother to get up and take a shower.

    My Grandmother stared at the tubes coming out of her.

    What will I do with these?

    I’ll hold them, but you will wash yourself. She brought out shampoo and my grandmother offered her left hand, the side that still had a breast and lymph tissue, the side that from this point on, could not get infected or hurt.

    No, the other hand, the nurse said. Don’t be afraid to use it.

    Grandmother asked her doctors to lower the dosage of her painkillers because they made her tired.

    Look at the flowers everyone sent, she said. She got out of bed and began to check the water levels in the vases. She moved some of the flowers closer to the window, especially the wild violets.

    Wild violets are considered a weed by some, but she loved them. They adapted.

    ***

    I woke up on a Sunday morning and checked my phone.

    The women in the family have a group conversation that never stops. Grandmother reads the messages and saves the photos but never writes anything.

    There was a single message from my mother. She and my aunt were at the hospital.

    Grandmother fell from her terrace into the garden below as she was picking flowers. But her mind is sound. At this age, the body may break but the mind is important.

    I call and the rest of the information is told in parts. My mother says the stray kitten that hangs out on the terrace tripped Grandmother. Maybe she just got dizzy and stepped one step too far.

    I know every part of that terrace. The granite edge, the two columns on either end, covered in ivy, keeping the house up. The sun sets at a point blocked by the left column but sometimes jasmine will grow on it too, so the scent will make up for the view.

    A large magnolia tree rises up near the center of the terrace from the garden below it. Right at the edge of the house, the ground slants down and a few marble steps lead to an indoor pool. The tree has been there since I can remember, larger than the magnolia tree that my own room’s walls press against.

    Sometimes if a flower is close enough, I’ll reach out my window to snap a bloom off the tree and bring it down to my mother. I’ve slipped a few times and heaved myself back inside.

    Grandmother couldn’t have held onto anything. She probably saw the little black and white kitten watching her as she fell. She broke her hip and tailbone.

    But her mind is sound and she is aware, my mother and aunt repeat on the phone.

    I think about the damage of lying on a bed for four months, of walking again after having hip surgery, of the pain she will still feel as the weather changes and the winds pick up outside her seaside home. I think about how this wasn’t her first fall but reading the words “she fell from her terrace into the garden,” in my bed in New York, miles away from home, creates a new kind of horror.

    I want to go back home- to see her when she wakes up from surgery, but several relatives tell me there is nothing I can do. Nothing anyone can do but sit and wait, wait for her old bones to heal.

    Grandmother calls.

    They’ve raised my hospital bed so I can look out the window. There are flowers by the lake.

    You were the one who told us to stay away from the edge of that terrace, I say.

    She laughs. She says, I know. I was just trying to pick flowers

    Grandmother was trying to reach the wild violets.

  • Waiting for a Boat from Governor’s Island

    Waiting for a Boat from Governor’s Island

    Holding hands with a guardrail
    We dance watching moss and vines
    Tackle empty buildings in the distance.
    Vacancy helps me understand
    What was lost and what we’ve found.
    This space is a landmine of
    Silence no longer submerged.
    I grab some crab tacos
    While the boat arrives in five minutes.

    Where paths of eight million souls meet.
    They walk on forest green grass and past old military homes.
    They take selfies on the barge.
    Roll down hills with their children.
    Do we impose on nature? Or on the past?
    Scrape our names and faces
    Into brick, concrete, and tree bark.
    Do we love space? Or what we can make of it?
    Our boat floats from the city to the dock.

    I marvel at the pigeons and how they take space.
    Unflinching and confident.
    Reclaim the grounds for which you long.
    Only if it were that easy.

    The city sings its sad song.
    Telling me to come home.
    Trade fresh untethered air.
    For the smog we share.
    The boat arrives in the city.
    I am reluctant to return.

     

    Baby, It’s Plastic

    Ignorance sits too well on your lips.
    Your lips curve and you hide your pout.
    Your pout is the best part about you.
    Your mustache swims above your lips.
    I wish your words matched your mouth.
    Yet I’m here.
    drawn to your drawl.
    And hands large and consuming
    like my father.
    I could be bothered.
    I could be angry.
    But succumbing is as natural,
    As a body in quicksand.
    Entered with heart open,
    I leave with my stomach filled.
    Feeling empty as sweet nothings
    Whirl around my ear.
    It all makes sense,
    Until it doesn’t.

    I Hope All Is Well

    Remembering memories that lost my fingerprint. They want me to remember. I pretend to forget
    until I can’t remember. Dust off the appendage and reattach to me. I don’t apologize for dead
    situations. I pray over them. Let them fly away with embers. Dissipate into night sky. Be of rare
    sightings like California condors.

    And I’ll wake up like sunshine in the morning.

  • Watching “The Color Purple” During Quarantine

    To touch my sisters face
    Under an unrelenting sunlight
    In a field of trauma turned to delight
    I want to touch southern soil
    To feel the home I’ve never known
    Self-Isolation ain’t new
    Self-Isolation is grand
    Crowded dance halls left me empty
    Dark liquor kept me full
    Tight sidewalks push me out
    New York is choking me
    Celie and Nettie cry
    In each other hands
    Scratching anxiety off my neck
    Isolation is a deep sleep
    I’m floating
    My future is an aimless
    Thick miles of land with no plans
    To fill the space
    Set in stone. I hate when plans are
    cancelled.
    Or when they’re taken from me.