Category: Uncategorized

  • Pete’s Underpants (three fragments)

     One. 

    It occurred to him to make up his bed, throw the maroon duvet on and get under it, take a sleeping pill. It was 4.55pm and still light outside, his mind drifted onto a scene from Place Vendome, the 1998 film, directed by Nicole Garcia and starring Catherine Deneuve, as a rich, troubled, alcoholic wife of a diamond merchant; in the film she wears endless Yves Saint Laurent raincoats, a black one, a red one, then a grey one, she smokes incessantly and takes sleeping pills, attends dinner parties, secretly guzzling dregs from the other guests wine glasses. Every time she passes a mirror, she stops, tilts her head to one side and makes a little snort of self disgust … on the staircase of a clinic where she goes to dry out, in beautifully subdued lighting, the camera passes over the paper planes of her face and for about fifteen seconds she looks like Michael Jackson … 

    Two. 

    Something I’ve never noticed before in the photo of you in the metal frame on my bedside cabinet—I’ve seen that photo probably every day and night for twenty years and I’ve never noticed before … an orange glow hovering just above your left ear. In the photograph I’m always drawn to the eyes first, then to your sun browned arms leaning on the table, the sleeves of your white t-shirt and the blue of the thermal vest, they all seem to heighten, compliment each other: back to the eyes that are creased in a smile, I can see a pause behind whatever you were thinking at that second, then you fixed a friendly but detached gaze at the person taking the photo—8×5 fuji color snap; your left eye seems to twinkle with mischief, while the right eye reads worried … 

    Three. 

    Catherine Deneuve stands by the window in a green crushed velvet dressing gown, she’s smoking one those long dark cigarettes—a Nat Sherman, I think. She crosses to the bed, sits on the edge and rolls her tights down to a pile on the rug, lies back on the bed and mutters something like “le vache” then curls up in a fetal position and asks, “rub my feet, will you?’’ to a man in the room. She tells him she called him because she didn’t want to be alone, she was drunk and had taken a couple of sleeping pills. She does virtually the same scene again towards the end of the film in a hotel room by the sea with a different man: grey raincoat, cigarette, glass of water, takes two sleeping pills, telling the man, “Ah, but I won’t sleep.’’ He says, “Why take them, then?’’ She replies, “Oh you know, old habits.’’ 

  • Shoes

    Shoes

    Tiziano Colibazzi was in my class at The New School this spring. He was doing a dual degree in poetry and non-fiction in the M.F.A. program. Early on, I learned that he was a psychoanalyst. We spoke briefly, once, on a street corner, about his life, but that now seems like a luxury. Covid hit; we were on Zoom. In those squares. I recall Tiziano gesticulating that he was losing his mind, with the kids home all day—home schooling—he had seven-year-old twins he shared with his ex-husband.  If they come out of their room,” he said, “I may have to go to them.” And they did. “They are very very curious,” he said. I recall heads bobbing up and down, just below the threshold of the screen. Eyes wide open. Sometimes, they fell asleep there, on his lap, one on each side, as class continued into the night. I’ll never forget those squares—it felt as though we were all on a lifeboat, through the roughest of seas; if any one of us seemed to be falling in, arms would reach to pull them back… And all around, there was so much suffering and death. 

    “Shoes” was Tiziano’s final piece for the class. It took my breath away. He beautifully invents a form when words fail, when a trauma is so deep, so obscene, it cannot be held… There’s something astonishing in the movement of the piece, as it enacts the experience of post-traumatic stress. And he reminds us of what happens if we do not remain vigilant–act up, speak out… As I read it, I returned to that place where as a child, I could not find words. And then I experienced waves of grief, for lovers and friends—and humankind—through AIDS and Covid…

    Zia Jaffrey, author of The Invisibles: A Tale of the Eunuchs of India, professor in The New School’s MFA program, and contributor to Toni Morrison: The Last Interview and Other Conversations (forthcoming, Melville House)

    Schwarze Milch der Frühe wir trinken sie abends

    “Black milk of the morning we drink it in the evening”

    — from “Todesfuge” by Paul Celan

    I. Beginnings

    Mine is not a fetish, yet my relationship with shoes is older than my memories.

    I would call it a strained relationship, occasionally acrimonious, with its ebbs and flows. It has fallen prey to infatuations and fads, family conflicts and bouts of masochistic self-deprivation.  I have suffered blisters and taken them in stride as a price to pay for elegance, I have rebelled against the unspoken mandate to keep the heels from showing the stigmata of use, the gnawing at the edge which exposes the wood under the rubber, and belies the sloppy moral fiber of a neglectful attire.

    At least that is what some people say in Italy.

    My mother used to say—and still does—that I go through shoes like rolls of toilet paper. She used to blame my posture and way of walking or standing, supposedly inherited from my father in a straightforward Mendelian fashion, for the fact that after a month one heel was considerably more worn out than the other and that the tips where damaged.

    “You keep dropping and dragging the tip of your foot!” All my sins were on display. I guess she thought she could fully understand people’s personalities from their shoes, in the same way that the old phrenologists classified characters by looking at the shape of someone’s head.

    Despite, or rather in opposition to these injunctions, I proudly owned only one pair of shoes throughout my last year of high school. The left rubber sole had a hole right where the arch was supposed to find support, a capital sin in the world of flat-footed people. I am not sure what drove this experiment in Franciscan virtue, beyond my wish to push the lack of financial means we suffered during those years to its limit so that it could become a sign of honor.

    When I moved to the US, my relationship with shoes slowly became more practical. The winters were harsher and it was not possible to wear shoes conceived for a Mediterranean climate in the arctic temperatures of Chicago winters. The snow would wet the flimsy hand-stitched soles, seep through them and imbibe my socks, which would end up feeling like frozen gloves. I had no other choice: I would put my Italian shoes in a bag and change once I got to the hospital. I opted during my commute for a pair of white Adidas, which jarred with my suit as I waited on the L platform. I felt thrilled by this freedom: nobody seemed to care or to look at me with disapproving glances.

    I could not escape the fact that I was born and lived for twenty-five years in Italy, a place where shoes are a proxy measure for being a “put-together” human being, that my father’s family comes from that region of central Italy mostly connected to shoe-making, the Marche region, that my aunt owned for some time a shoe store in one of the banlieues of Rome and that my cousin Francesca, her daughter, was deprived of “real” shoes as a child, having to wear “corrective” ones for years, supposedly to address her flat foot problems. Of course, these therapeutic shoes did not come in fashionable designs or pleasing colors. Rather, they seemed to be manufactured with the sole intent of mortifying vanity, a modern equivalent of the hair shirt, looking like a leather black box promising future salvation in exchange for present suffering.

    Francesca used to look on with envy and frustration like the Little Match Girl in Andersen’s story when new samples of women’s shoes would arrive at her mother’s store. She’d touch the glossy heels, draw slingbacks with her crayons during the boring afternoons doing homework behind the counter. She is an attorney today. Last time I visited her in her new apartment, once we had finished dinner, she proudly walked me to what she’d call “The Room.” A long walk-in closet of curved shape, such as you can only find in old buildings in Italy, stacked up to the ceiling with shoes, arranged like books on shelves, none of them in boxes, with the only purpose of being admired and of providing a belated revenge to their owner for her childhood torment. I thought, why not put some exemplars on a coffee table in the dining room, like one of those Taschen books which saves one from stale dinner conversations. I asked Francesca how often she’d wear them. She picked up one of her favorite pairs, some leather shoes with crisscross black and white stripes, heels covered by a print evoking an inverted Tour Eiffel: stroking it like a pet, she said wistfully: “Maybe once a year, I do not want them to get ruined.”

    Shoes fall into the category where we put parts of our life that are essential and never think about until we lose them: parents, water, marriages, and health. Just like with everything that one takes for granted, the most fundamental aspect of these chiral man-made objects escaped me. I never fully appreciated their tragic side or the survival advantage they confer, till I went on a trip with my sister Carmen in 2012. Carmen wanted to relocate to Berlin, due to the lack of job opportunities in Rome. I had planned to help her, hoping that with my financial and moral support, she would eventually find her way in Germany, whose economy was booming.

    At that time, I had begun to read books on the history of same-sex relationships. I bought my first one the previous winter after I visited the Homomonument in Amsterdam: three pink triangles commemorating the victims of the Holocaust. I do not remember much of that particular trip. I have been to Amsterdam multiple times since then. I know it was freezing because my feet kept bothering me. I know I thought of buying sturdier shoes there but preferred to ride out the discomfort and go for books, as if books and shoes, head and feet, had to compete with one another.

    I told Carmen I was going to make a point of visiting each Denkmal in Berlin as well as Sachsenhausen, a KZ, or concentration camp, known for its sadistic treatment of homosexual prisoners, also known as pink triangles, during WWII.  These were the Schuhläufer, prisoners forced to soften the boots and shoes produced for the German army by marching for hours along the inner perimeter of the KZ. The experience of one of these KZ prisoners, Joseph Kohut, is the subject of the memoir Die Männer mit dem rosa Winkel  (The Men with the Pink Triangle) written by Hans Neumann under the pseudonym of Heinz Heger and published in 1972. Few remember today that this is the reason why the pink triangle later became the emblem of the LGBTQ+ community. Young men, raised in the comfort of Mitteleuropa, were arrested under the infamous Paragraph 175 that punished  homosexuality in the German Reich, frequently tortured, and then shipped to the camps to be Schuhläufer.

    II  Schuhläufer

    A Denkmal is not a memorial, and it is not a monument. It is the embodiment of Time which has become Thought and occupies a finite portion of Space: Denk (thinking, thought) + Mal (time/s). This composite word strikes me as very German: you do not re-member an event. You need to think about it.

    I pick up on my way out from the Sachsenhausen KZ a copy of Heger’s ’s book. A passage strikes me as the kernel of the story of the “pink triangles”: forced fellatio. Forced, as it were, because fellatio is really what the prisoners wanted after all. Every homosexual prisoner, or any homosexual for that matter, should feel honored to suck any straight man, even a convicted murderer. And, of course, a few beatings may make one more compliant.

    Mit Püffen und Schlägen zwangen sie mich dann, da ich mich nicht freiwillig dazu bereitfand, abwechselnd an ihrem Glied zu saugen, das sie in meinem Mund pressten.” 

    “Then they forced me with blows and beatings, because I was not freely willing to suck, taking turns between one and the other, their member, which they pressed in my mouth.”

    III  Après-Coup

    Carmen and I come back to Berlin. We have spent an entire day in Oranienburg, where the Sachsehausen KZ is located. Exhausted, yet unexpectedly unperturbed, we decide to head for a restaurant in Gendarmenmarkt.

    In Sachsenhausen the poplars shudder                      with their shawls of snow 

     

    we looked at one another:                                   “We thought we’d feel much worse.”

     

    A heavy air

                     drips

                               down

                                       on our

                                           restaurant libations: 

     

    we were staring at the plates:                                                 our puny conversation

    our meal

      

                                                                             had                                                         no

     

    worthy                 

                                                                                                      purpose,

         

                                                   no

     

                        meaning                                                                                            no

     

                                                          

           courage                                        no                        dignity                                           no

     

     

    context                          or                                                 voice                                                   no

     

                                                                          rest. 

     

    I’d left my ration of words outside 
    the gate; I’ve none to spare.

    Blood still trickles through the gravel 
    in this neutral zone near 
    the wall of bricks, hundreds of ashen
    bricks kneaded by the fear 

    of being shot through the feet,
    then march in vain with boots
    of plywood: wounds that will not
    heal. It could have 

    been me: a Schuhläufer 
    marching and testing 
    boots, till my feet are 
    too maimed to be of use

                                                              to the shoe factories

    How am I to approach the KZ topic? Verse, prose, a power point?  Some say we should not speak at all, let alone write, about these matters. How are we to never forget then? Illogically, being gay seems to give me a complete pass: I can write or speak with “authority” about gay victims —not the other ones, of course—without being accused of appropriating, misappropriating, banalizing, or even worse defiling other peoples’ tragedy.

    It’s all about playing the “gay card.”

    IV    Denkmal Pilgrimage in Berlin (2012)

    I happened to be in Berlin with my sister Carmen. We just arrived, she from Rome, I from New York. We plan our day. My sister says, resisting my attempts to create a day schedule for our Berlin pilgrimage: “So very American” she adds, “always having to make the day  “PRO-DU-CTIVE.”

    In fact, I tell her, the way to cope with terrifying chimeras has always been to make
    them quotidian. That’s how people survive. The blending of triviality 
    into memories renders them inoffensive, a vaccination of sorts against forgetting.

    She doesn’t buy it. How can you make tourism out of it? Horror in a to-do list? I ignore her and look over travel guide suggestions:

    Denkmäler: Saturday morning

    Breakfast at our Luxury Hotel (Starwood collection)

    1 Gedenkstätte Sachsenhausen

    Lunch break 12:30–13:30 on your own.

    We recommend bringing a lunch box.

    (Oranienburg is a ghost city, reminds me of Decatur, Illinois)

    2 Denkmal für die ermordeten Juden Europas (Memorial to the Murdered Jews of Europe)

    3 Denkmal für die im Nationalsozialismus verfolgten Homosexuellen (Memorial to homosexuals persecuted under National Socialism)

    4 Denkmal für die im Nationalsozialismus ermordeten Sinti und Roma Europas (Monument to the Sinti and Roma of Europe murdered during National Socialism)

    5 Spa appointment, Sofitel am Gendarmenmarkt 18:30 – 19:30

    6 Dinner at Lutter & Wegner am Gendarmenmarkt  21:00

    The hotel staff gently advises: “We do not recommend visiting all these sites in one day. Your list is ambitious but I understand you want your day to be productive.”

    V  Sachsenhausen

    Leafing through Kohut’s memoir, I read the entire piece while I am on the U-Bahn. I read in a desultory manner. From the middle, from the end, never from the beginning and always without committing. Fragments flash before my eyes in a confusion of time lines. I am too overwhelmed by the KZ to even attempt to stitch all this into any narrative or care about verb tenses being consistent. Kohut’s story is just one of many I imagine: Heinrich, Franz, Ludwig, Stefan and countless others.

    1937 Ludwig is from Münster. Thirty-two years old, architect, 64.0 kg, 1.64 meters. Brought overnight. Arrested under Paragraph 175—Der § 175 des deutschen Strafgesetzbuches—the law punishing sodomy. His ex-lover turned him over.

    The paragraph reads: Die widernatürliche Unzucht, welche zwischen Personen männlichen Geschlechts oder von Menschen mit Thieren begangen wird, ist mit Gefängniß zu bestrafen; auch kann auf Verlust der bürgerlichen Ehrenrechte erkannt werden. (The unnatural fornication which is committed between persons of the male sex or of men with animals must be punished by imprisonment; also it can be punished with loss of civil rights.)

    1937 Sanchsenhausen KZ; this ought to be a resting place: Ludwig crossed the iron gate. A motivational banner wrought in Gothic Script, the hope of freedom in exchange for labor.

    “Arbeit macht frei”

    The silent air of glass scratched rarely by sharp and lightning shrieks. Limes, Liminal, Limit, Great Wall, The Wall, Boundary, Hortus Conclusus, cloister of cruelty. What is commonplace outside, grows absurd inside. Absurd = Ab-Surdus. Out of tune, dissonant or deaf to reason. Not simply contrary to reason, but reasoning impermeable to sound and speech in the sense of Logos.

    1938 Schuhläufer Kommando. The prisoners march along the perimeter of hopelessness, toeing the outer bound of an island of barbed folly. They are testing combat shoes for straight soldiers till the leather is softened enough by the blisters of their feet. Sores dried with the gravel and the ashen dust falling down from a grey infinity. Can they march with two left shoes? With a fractured foot? A gunshot below the heel? One by one these hypotheses must be tested. On them. At dusk, back to the wooden clogs. No socks. No blankets—in order to prevent sex in the barracks. Splinters of wood lodge under nailbeds. Open wounds are dull on hard wood. Maximum duration of stay for the Häftlinge is six months to a year. With one exception: the Pink Triangles. They die faster. Refractory cases are sent for medical emasculation or forced copulation with the opposite gender.

    2012 Sachsenhausen Wet and cold feet. I tell my sister I should have worn better shoes, sturdier shoes. Nothing makes you feel lonelier and more naked than wet shoes and wet linen socks in November. A hole in the left wooden sole, right in the middle, soaks the entire leather. Primo Levi said that if you were given two choices in life, food or shoes, you always ought to choose shoes.

    1945 Ludwig released from KZ to a Berlin in ruins.

    1946 Stuttgart  Ludwig deemed not a real victim. His pension was denied. Compensation not applicable. Absurd to pay a non-victim. Either you are a victim or you are not. It’s quite binary. Since homosexuality is still punishable, he is still a criminal.

    1947 Mannheim  § 175 Redux. Ludwig is back to prison under Parapgraph 175. Time spent in Sachsenhausen does not count towards his punishment for what brought him to the KZ. He must still pay. Therefore, he should go back to prison and do the entire jail time.

    VI  Denkmal für die im Nationalsozialismus verfolgten Homosexuellen

    2015 Ebertstraße, Berlin. Denkmal für die ermordeten Juden Europas and right across the street Denkmal für die im Nationalsozialismus verfolgten Homosexuellen.

    The Denkmal across this street                             is worlds away from that more official site

     

    with spartan slabs of grey concrete                        waves for what remains of the murdered

     

    hands of Europe. The other site grabs                  me from across the street, purposefully

     

    absconded among the bushes.                               Inside the solid block are scenes of guilty

     

    longings, silent kisses, cached                                recordings of illegal loves visible             

     

                                   through the aperture in the concrete closet.

    VII  Fire Island, Pines.

    The high tea scene in the Pines is de rigueur. I have not been here in years. Today, I notice that the drag code has been democratized. One does not need the whole dress and wig thing, which is great but time-intensive. Some guys wear pashminas over a polo, others carry a fan or purse while dressed in an otherwise more gender-conforming style. A burly man is dancing next to me, while I speak to my friend Don, who notices that nowadays just a pop of drag is finally within everybody’s reach. This man’s eyes are closed, and he appears to be in mystical communion with Deborah Cox’s Remix playing loudly.  He is wearing a black tank-top and some swimwear, reminding me of a Tom of Finland image, sort of the hyper-masculine Pines beach butch guy. I look down at the floorboard and realize that he is pirouetting on a pair of vinyl crimson-red high heel shoes, proud to “mix it up,” wearing them like an amulet, as if whispering to everyone around: I do not give a fuck. After all shoes can also be subversive.

    Bibliography

    Triangle rose    Michel Dufranne, Milorad Vicanovic, Christian Lerolle. Quadrant Astrolabe, 2011

    Die Männer mit dem rosa Winkel  Heinz Heger.  Merlin Verlag

    Triangle Rose   Régis Schlagdenhauffen. Éditeur Autrement, 2011

    Images Sources

    Image 1     https://joepwritesthehistoryofberlin.wordpress.com/2013/02/15/sachsenhau…

  • Maxwell Street Follies

    Maxwell Street Follies

    “The starting point of critical elaboration is the consciousness of what one really is: ‘knowing thyself’ as a product of the historical process to date, which has deposited in you an infinity of traces, without leaving an inventory.”

    Antonio Gramsci, The Prison Notebooks

    Just past midnight on a muggy night in 1984, three Parisian squatters stood around a kerosene lantern plotting adverse possession in the leaky third floor of a tenement building in Montmartre.

    “Where did you put the sign up?” asked Valery, tugging on his young, dark black beard as his elbow rested on a stack of several antiquated law books.

    “I put a sign on a shopping cart in behind old number seven, that says that I own the property,” said an old folk artist with a cracked voice named Papa Gounod.

    “Good,” said Valery, rattling his fingers on the scarred barrister’s bookshelf that served as a tabletop. He inwardly wondered whether the good Old Man had used the appropriate legal description, ‘Lot 17 of

    Parcel 225,’ or latitude and longitude, or some other method to identify the exact location of Gounod’s adversely possessed parcel. He inhaled a lungful of marijuana and breathed it out voluminously. The vapors hung in the mildewy darkness as the lamp puffed fumes across the open brick room and toward an open window, through which a pale moon shown wanly through scattered clouds over a carnival skyscape.

    “Well, your sign most likely won’t change the matter very much for us,” Valery said at last. In English law countries, that might make a difference, but in France, alas, it’s different,” explained Valery. “There is no reference to this problem in either the Salic Law, or the Napoleonic Code, of course. However, since we have been here for much longer than two days, our settlement cannot be considered a breach of the public order; therefore, the police cannot evict us, unless the City first resorts to the civil courts. That’s why old Gounod received his eviction notice. And while any eviction proceedings may be lengthy, the outcome could never be in any doubt, as his mere possession does nothing to establish his ownership to the property,” said Valery. “Ordinarily, we could be reduced to the usual settlement: agree on a bail precaire with our building’s rightful owners, or perhaps reach an agreement to legalize our settlements with the Minister of Culture,” he said. “But in our case, our situation may be even graver.”“What do you mean?” demanded Jean-Claude.

    “They may even try to dissolve our organization ex nunc,” said Valery ruefully. “The aim that was connatural to the association when it was registered in 1960, the raison d’être for the coming-together of its members, was the operation of ‘Livres de Conscience’- the bookstore now operated by Heathcliff Waite- by the Committees of Conscience, on behalf of political prisoners. But the Committee stopped meeting in the early ‘60s, and Heathcliff Waite turned the bookstore into a conventional business.”

    Weakly, dreadlocked old Papa Gounod tapped the lantern. “But I think I fixed that problem,” he wheezed, wiping off his dirty finger and pointing it at an open law book. “Since you told us that adverse possession \is the law in English countries, I put my sign up on Guy Fawkes Day.”

    Suddenly, out of the darkness reared a fourth bearded man, Bougard, whose beard had grown yellow with lamp oil. “Connard!” he roared. “You heard him! You won’t last another year in this neighborhood, Old Man, ever since you took Clarence Darrow and her kittens. You’ve let the water run from the tap in that yard for almost two months now, and it’s breeding mosquitoes in the tire collection. You won’t last another month, with your shopping carts and your onion boxes! They say Butterfly Bill’s coming back! 

    The foursome grew quiet at the mention of the adopted son of Heathcliff Waite, the bookstore operator. The smoking kerosene lamp swung silently in the smelly shadows.

      #

    Early the next morning, a grim young man with a red beard and wearing a backpack debarked from a train at the Gare Montmartre. He passed the other travelers, en route to their morning espresso or to the metro. During his seven-year absence, the platform had been renovated in late 1940s style, and a loudpseaker blared the Rolling Stones version of ‘Love in Vain.’ Without pausing or turning, Bill Waite vomited into a waste can, and left the station. As he marched robustly along the boardwalk that ran beside the amusement park rides lining the Normandy shore, Bill gazed over the ocean, like some modern-day Constantine, at an image that seemed to hover above the horizon: the adoring face and long blonde hair of Dian Fossey. He had just left his mentor, murdered and now buried on a Rwandan mountain, a week before.

    From the train station, Bill heard the refrain of the song: “All my love’s in vain.” Strutting past the rats that scurried among the abandoned carnival prizes, Bill came to a small concrete plaza at the end of the boardwalk. Peering over the guardrail at the end of the plaza, he could see some distance into the outlying reaches of Paris. There, in the distance on the side of Montmartre, lay the street on which Bill had grown up. Yes, there he could see it, just behind the Place Pigalle: Rue Maxwell, the birthplace of northern Europe’s electric blues scene.

    Peering at the side of the hill in the distance, Bill began to wonder for the first time if he were well. He thought he spied an elf, in a powdered white 18th century barrister’s wig, standing atop a 200-foot-tall ladder, carrying two hefty boxes, one beneath each arm, at a great height. A bearded troll stood at the bottom, pelting the elf and cursing.

    The troll spoke, and snatches of his words came obscurely to Bill’s ear, but the word ‘harlequin’was the only word he made out. Then the troll threw back his right arm and hurled a square object to the top of the ladder, which struck the wigged figure, who wavered, still clutching the two heavy plywood boxes, as the ladder began to vibrate. Bill ran breathlessly the last mile-and-a-half to the Rue Maxwell.

    But when he arrived, it was not the faerie village of his childhood, both synthetic and whimsical, but a smoking ruin of hovels. The field of sunflowers had been razed, and the goldfish pond filled with motor oil. The street where he had been raised as a child was turned into a skeleton, like a set of punched out and broken teeth, blackened with tobacco smoke. In a corner of the lot Bill spied a very fresh-looking tombstone. The immense ladder that had been perched against the side of the ancient warehouse at 5112 Rue Maxwell had fallen to the ground. Books littered the ground, and Heathcliff was nowhere to be seen.

    “Dad?” Bill said.

    At that moment, his ex-roommate and fellow communard, Bougard, who looked like a troll, lunged around the corner with a fresh armload of books. “Ca va, citoyen?” Bill asked.

    “Your putain father, that’s what, ‘Butterfly!’” taunted Bougard. “Think you’ll take all my books, eh? It looks like you forgot one last book, Jacobin. En garde!” He hurled a pocket size version of the Audubon Society’s ‘Field Guide to Butterflies,’ with its sturdy plastic cover, which struck Bill in the forehead, knocking him unconscious.

    #

    He always hated to be called ‘Butterfly,’ so much so that in his adolescence he changed his name to ‘Bill.’ It reminded him of his Mere, Bianca, who left Marseilles in 1962 on a tour of European communes. She fell in love with the Rue Maxwell, but tragically, when she drove out of town on an errand a week after her arrival, she was killed by one of the freak tornados that occurred in that year. Mirabile dictu, her three-year-old son, Butterfly, was left sitting unharmed in the middle of the freeway. Butterfly was left with no memories of her.

    You see, this is not a story about the Paris, France of ‘the Lost Generation’ or the Jazz Age, but it begins not far from there, on a small declining side street on the rear of the Montmartre slope. Have you ever been there? If you ever stood at the Basilica of the Sacred Heart and looked over the City of Lights, then you were, as they say, within spitting distance of the Rue Maxwell. Down at the base of the hill is the ancient Market, and beyond that one of the city’s oldest learning institutions. Near the top of the hill is the block where Butterfly grew up, and if you’ve ever been to the Basilica, then you were only three short blocks from the corner containing the hot dog stand where he got a black eye from a squatter and decided to change his name to Bill. When he was growing up, Bill always blamed his abuse at the hands of the squatters on his gentle but incompetent father, a Quebecois immigrant named Heathcliff Midlothian Waite, who had himself only recently moved to Maxwell Street.

    Heathcliff had arrived carrying nothing but a broom, a powdered white barrister’s wig, and a few sundry belongings. He had returned one spring morning in 1962 to a steam pipe in the bridge running over the Seine at the Isle de la Cite, which had been his long-time abode, only to find that the City had welded it shut. Thence, he wandered through the city for several days, until he came, by chance, to the Rue Maxwell, where he made himself at home in the commune that had sprung up in the abandoned buildings that surrounded a bookstore, ‘Livres de Conscience.’

    At first, it seemed as if Heathcliff and the Rue Maxwell would get along famously. But at the time of Bianca’s shocking death in the tornado, he was overwhelmed with paternal feelings for the first time in his life and adopted the three-year-old boy.

    Heathcliff immediately set about expelling most of the human rights activists who had founded the ecovillage and began to operate the bookstore as a conventional business, supporting the boy for 14 years by selling used books. But the vacuum was soon filled by squatters, crude and violent. With most of the activists gone, Heathcliff and the few remaining communards were powerless to prevent it. To these roughnecks, the Waites, pere and fils, were a funny pair. After all, Heathcliff was a Quebecois who wore a wig and operated a quaint bookstore, and his son was named ‘Butterfly.’

    The day came when Butterfly bought a pair of dice from the boutique de conneries at 5118 Rue Maxwell, and moved out of the bookstore and into a building down the block with Bougard, a stubborn, middle-aged communard who had lived at the ecovillage since the old days.

    What next? he wondered. Was he to become a cabaret singer, or a pimp? One afternoon he gazed in meditation on his surroundings, peering thoughtlessly up at the most prominent of Maxwell Street’s two murals, which occupied the entire side of the building that housed the boutique des conneries. The large mural, commemorating his mother’s death and his own arrival, read, ‘Bianca and Butterfly forever,’ in green, gothic swirls of white and aqua.

    (The second, smaller mural was a wall-and-ceiling painting inside an abandoned ice cream Parlor that depicted the Count de Buffoon and Guillaume le Buffets, two physical comedians together called the Vaudeville Colleagues, who had gotten their start on the nearby Boardwalk decades prior to Bill’s birth).

    Because Maxwell Street was labeled with the disfavored nominative ‘Butterfly’ so prominently, he concluded, he certainly had to leave. But where? Bill had been reading about the American zoologist Dian Fossey, and her brave and dangerous efforts to preserve the mountain gorillas of Rwanda. Now there was a woman! he thought.

    He would go to her. Bill Waite would become a man. He would become an activist! Bill arrived at the camp on Mt. Karisimbi in the late afternoon one summer day not long thereafter; Dian herself had gone up on the ridge with some interns to check on a band of mountain gorillas that had split off from the main family. A young microbiologist named Heinz greeted him and showed him to his tent. Bill began to chop wood.

    Half an hour later Fossey herself trotted briskly from the tent up to where Bill stood with his ax. “You must be Waite,” the American woman said in the faux British accent she had adopted as an ex-patriate. “Nice chopping. It gets cold up here at night.”

    He would forever remember her standing freshly washed before him in her mountain fatigues. Contrasted against the mountain, Fossey looked even taller and stronger than her photographs. She was long-haired and beautiful against the sunset, but Bill noted that her unmade-up face was that of a middle-aged woman.

    Bill’s heart would forever belong to Dian, unconditionally, starting from one particularly chilly, dewy morning when she taught him how to repair an electronic weather meter. As the two of them hunched down together in the freshly mowed mountain grass, Dian saw Bill shiver, justonce. “Come closer,” she told him. Bill leaned in closer to Dian, and for the first time, breathed the powerful Charlie perfume she wore about her neckline.

    She finished tightening two of the bolts on the weathervane, and then handed it to him. Bill took the device in his lap, and Dian, leaning closer yet, placed her hand on his knee, and her chin on his shoulder. Bill tightened, and instinctively drew back again, his heart fluttering.

    From that moment, Dian knew that Bill sought a mother-and-child relationship. She held him like an egg. Bill’s competence grew by leaps and bounds in her care, as he came to play his dutiful role in the camp, where the study of the endangered mountain gorillas and the struggle against poaching went hand-in-hand.

    He was jealous nevertheless when he saw Dian flirting playfully with the other young men in the camp, including Heinz, Burton from the U.K., and even old Dr. Herwiger when he visited. She would ask any one of them to accompany her to the swimming pond, or to help her wring out her long underwear. The female interns and other women in camp seemed to ignore it, but the men present would giggle and exchange knowing looks, and then, when in Bill’s presence, would avert their gaze and fall silent.

    One weekend in early fall, Bill had been instructed to serve as look-out for Twa poachers, encroaching with the change in season, from an observation post on a mountain across the valley. This was an annual event, He returned ahead of time, just before dusk, to exchange a damaged telescope, and to his surprise, heard muted screams from one of the storage tents, which was ordinarily off-limits and seldom visited. What was going on? Had someone been injured?

    Bill stepped around a blazing fire pit, and pulled aside a thick leather curtain and a mosquito net. They hadn’t been there before. He saw Dian leaning forward, sweating in a maroon brassiere, her back turned to him. The shed was unlit save for a glowing brazier, which occluded part of the scene from Bill’s sight.

    “I feel a heartbeat!” Dian said. “Is he breathing?”

    Was she treating some wounded activist or poacher? he wondered. Maybe she was even performing heroic wilderness veterinary medicine on an injured gorilla. At length, Heinz appeared above the brazier, in spectacles and wearing a white smock.

    Bill heard the creak of rusty wheels. Dian walked from behind the brazier with an ungainly step, fanning herself energetically. In fact, she was wearing nothing but a leopard print G string and a pair of black stiletto heels. Her hair, illuminated by the brazier, glowed like coils of the finest copper, and they spilled down her back in ruddy ringlets. There was not an ounce of cellulite on her body. She didn’t see Bill.

    Bill was dumbfounded. Why was his icon traipsing around a shed, like a stripper nearly crippled by severe bunions, who is so clumsy she cannot even walk down a runway?

    “Are they bringing the next one?” she asked. “Alright, hold on.” She donned a plastic American Halloween mask, depicting a green-skinned, warty witch. “Bring him on.” Dian hesitantly picked up a whip, woven of thorny nettles, flexed her toned arm muscles, then put it down, instead taking two handfuls of green American dime store slime in her hands.

    Heinz wheeled in a vertical scaffold, on which was chained a Twa poacher. Dian lunged at the man, who immediately began screaming. She held the slime before his face, and let it ooze from her hands. The slime’s viscous verdure was opaque and seemed unholy in the light of the brazier. The Twa’s tonsils glowed from behind his sharpened, pointed teeth as he shrieked. 

    Dian put the slime down and wiped her hands on a towel. “There, there, little fellow,” she said. “That’s not really the slime I want on my hands, is it?” As she removed the mask and tossed her curls about her, she caught site of Bill.

    “Aren’t I every inch of me a whore, Bill?” she asked him.

    “Non,” said Bill.

    She looked slightly surprised. Heinz stood in a corner of the shed looking uncomfortable in his round glasses.

    “Well, then,” Dian said, reverting to her expatriate accent. She reached behind her and removed the bra. “Now do you love me, Bill?” she asked, cupping her breasts in her hands.

    “Non,” said Bill.

    Dian pouted. Suddenly she looked at him sharply. “Go to the water tower, and return with two large buckets of warm water,” she told him. “And take your time about it.”

    Bill took a step backward out of the shed and toward the fire, still holding on to the curtain.

    “I hope you understand that if you ever return to hurt my gorillas,” she told the Twa, as she stepped closer to him, “I’m going to cast these private parts of yours into the blaze.” 

    Bill stood in the doorway a moment, as he turned his head into the darkness and lowered his gaze, holding on to the mosquito netting and the leather curtain. I guess it’s easy to get conned into doing the wrong thing, he thought, when you’re thousands of miles away from home, and accompanied by some unusually confident, highly-principled person whom you adore.

    He turned again to the doorway, suddenly tore down the curtain and rushed back into the shed, shouting, “Sainte Mere de Dieu, ma femme, attendre!” He threw the heavy curtain over Dian’s nude body and shoved her off the helpless Twa. Dian’s shoulder crashed into the wooden wall, her hand still covered with green slime as she cried out, “Get off me, you bastard, and leave me alone!”

    Heinz turned his head to face the corner, like a donkey who sees its sibling being slaughtered, and knows it is next. Bill lifted Dian and carried the partially-nude woman out of the shed and into the darkness, crying, “Shanti Sena! Shanti Sena!”

    Suddenly activists came running through the darkness from every direction. Within a few minutes, Bill, Heinz, Dian and the Twa were back in the shed, which was surrounded by dozens of Dian’s students, interns, post-docs, non-credentialled assistants, and volunteers like Bill.

    “I told you already, we won’t tolerate you abusing the native peoples in this country,” yelled an undergrad, who had strawberry-colored hair.

    “But we have to take action to prevent the poaching, to save the endangered gorillas. They call them demons; they have superstitious practices. They’ll go extinct,” said Dian quickly, for the one hundredth time, lowering her face.

    “Then call the police!” screamed the strawberry maiden.

    “They’ll kill everyone, they’ll kill all of us…” said Dian wearily.

    “Perhaps you’re being paranoid again,” said a tall young female post-doc guardedly.

    “We’re activists and humanitarians, not a bunch of sadists!” screamed the strawberry woman. “Get away from him!” she suddenly screamed.

    Heinz had silently left his spot in the corner of the shed and had quietly worked his way over to where the Twa man still lay prostate on the horizontal scaffold. Discovered, he quickly backed away, weeping silently in fear. His glasses were fogged.

    The crowd now turned to look at the Twa man. They were not pleased with him either, as he had been caught poaching the previous day, and a mother gorilla and two infants had been killed.

    “What, if anything, would you like to say about all this?” asked the scrawny, mustached ecology intern. The entire crowd grew absolutely silent, except for Heinz’s nearly inaudible weeping and the sound of cicadas. Those gathered listened intently as the poacher made an effort to speak.

    “I… only…want….be with my people,” croaked the Twa’s harsh, dehydrated voice. That was was the first time Bill realized that dysfunction existed in the world beyond Maxwell Street. Eventually, the entire camp returned to bed. The poacher was taken from the scaffold and locked into a utility building behind the men’s quarters, from which he was released to Rwandan police two days later. Things in the camp went on as though nothing had happened. There was never again any reference to sexual improprieties amongst the activities on Mt. Karisimbi.

    Bill awoke in a sheen of sweat. He reached in the darkness of the camp for his alarm clock, but instead found his hand upon a fresh-seeming tombstone, and realized he was back home. To his side, the immense ladder still lay prone, but looking up, he saw his father dangling from the warehouse window, 200 feet in the air. He ran into the warehouse and raced up five flights of steps, then pulled his adoptive father into the building. Heathcliff stood bent over and gasping, then straightened and adjusted his wig. The entire building had been jammed with used books in storage.

    “Dad, what’s going on here?” Bill asked.

    “Come in here,” said Heathcliff breathlessly, gesturing to a little side room containing more books, as well as a wood stove and a few chairs. He tossed a handful of paperback books into the stove, and stuffed in some cardboard. Bill had forgotten how fast cardboard burned.

    “It’s good to see you, ‘Butterfly’,” said Heathcliff, as Bill sat down. “Things have become a little disorderly around here. Affairs in the outside world have demanded my attention, so I haven’t been able to spend as much time around the ecovillage as I used to.

    “You see,” said Heathcliff, “a few days after you left, seven years ago, I thought it would be nice to take a look at some of the old sites again. Bougard and Valery were standing in the bookstore one day, arguing with me about Boogard’s book, and Valery’s legal strategies, so I sort of spontaneously invited them both to join me on a helicopter tour.

    “I couldn’t believe how much the city had changed while you were growing up! An entire epoch in French history passed. Why, the Rolling Stones recorded ‘Exile on Main Street’ in the basement of a villa not far from here when you were 11 years old, and Picasso himself died only two years later. Brigitte

    Bardot became an animal rights activist who vehemently opposed immigration, and Jean-Luc Godard has seen his style evolve. Jean Paul Sartre died in 1980, three years after you left. Deplorably, now the entire country carries a torch for Serge Gainsbourg.

    “I really became disillusioned with France after Sartre died. In the helicopter, I saw for the first time the skyscrapers of the ironically-named business district called ‘La Defense,’ at the site of the historic city wall, which the bourgeoisie had constructed during the years of your puberty. I reflected on how I could have had an altogether different life. I could have lived in a houseboat on the Seine and finished my dissertation.

    “In a mood mixing melancholy with a spirit of new-found freedom, I meandered one morning down the hill and into the city, past the bridge that was my home long ago after I first emigrated from Quebec. I continued past the Isle de la Cite, to the tomb of the great Camus, my mentor, which for years I used to faithfully sweep every afternoon when I lived inside the bridge. Now, however, I carried not a broom, but a cane, and when, entirely on a whim, I decided to enter the house of the cemetery porter at Pere Lachaise, I found nothing easier than to become a docent at the same tomb I used to covertly sweep! 

    Heathcliff grasped two more handfuls of American paperbacks, and bent over, preparing to heave them into the stove. Bill stood up and smacked the Quebecois emigrant as hard as he could in the side of the head, causing him to spill the books.

    “You imbecile!” shouted Bill. “You’ll kill us! It must be 115 degrees in here!”

    “What? Oh, another fire! Quick, get the fire engine!” said Heathcliff.

    Bill followed his adoptive father down and out of the building, and around the corner to an abandoned art warehouse in the alley behind them, half a block up the hill toward the Basilica. Inside was an ancient fire engine.

    “Push!” shouted Heathcliff.

    The two men strained and struggled, and eventually pushed the fire engine by hand around the corner ‘til it came to rest before the warehouse at 5112 Rue Maxwell, where a fair-sized fire burned.

    “Pump!” hollered Heathcliff.

    Clambering into the cab, Bill pumped madly with his hardy legs, until finally water began to spurt from the hose. Holding his wig firmly to his head with one hand, Heathcliff used the other arm to point the nozzle at the fire, which was eventually extinguished.

    The two men returned to the fifth floor of the warehouse. 

    “Eventually, the growing prevalence of suspicious fires in the neighborhood compelled me to join a volunteer fire brigade, at which I excelled,” continued Heathcliff, breathlessly hanging his suit jacket before the wood stove, and shaking the moisture from his wig.

    “Now one day a curious thing happened. Whereas in past years, before I adopted you, I was sometimes a figure of horror and revulsion to passersby in the vicinity of the cemetery, now, due perhaps to my cane and my age, I was looked upon with approval by complete strangers. A wealthy widow, a dowager who had once been a fashion magnate, took a liking to me. We developed a close companionship, and one day I spoke to her at length.

    “‘Oh, Heathcliff,’ she said to me, ‘You live a life of such robustness for an older gentleman, volunteering in the fire brigade, serving as docent at the tomb of Camus, and operating a successful used bookstore.’ For she was attracted to the fact that I had become the model of a petty bourgeois.

    “‘Why, mademoiselle,’ said I to the dowager, “That’s not all. I once served on the Council of Paris, and therein lies a tale.”

    “‘Oh, Heathcliff, you’re a statesman!’”

    “And so I told the dowager my history, of how I emigrated to Paris from Quebec to study under the great Camus, but my mentor died in a car accident within months of my arrival. Within weeks, he was interred in the Pantheon with the other great individuals of France, and just as suddenly disinterred and moved to the common cemetery at Pere Lachaise, out of French whimsy. I alone remained to faithfully sweep grave every afternoon and vowed to take up residence in the bridge over the Seine until Camus should be restored to his rightful place.

    “‘Why Heathcliff, were you in Paris in the early 60s?’ she interrupted me to ask.”

    “Mais, oui, mademoiselle. After all, that was the era when anyone could be a genius, even the bartender in the Manhattan Bar, who pours out Curacao with one hand and gathers up his gonorrhea with the other…[T]he gentleman in the raincoat, who is about to start his seventh trip around the world, even Chuck the Drunk, who goose-stepped through the alleys of Montreal, carrying a bottle of vodka and wearing his high school letter jacket and a Russian fur cap, talking to himself; and many other strange characters as well.”

    “So, I told the dowager of my daily routine in those days, as mad as they were. I would clamber every afternoon out of my residence in the hollow arm of the bridge at the Isle de la Cite to sweep Camus’ grave. In the evenings I had a small business taking tourists on covert midnight tours of the Pantheon to show visitors the spot to which the great man would one day be returned. We were trespassing, of course, and because I was inexperienced, we would sometimes become lost. And even when we could find our way out, I was never able to direct them to the Closerie des Lilas, or the places where the night streetwalkers strolled.

    “Then in the evenings,” reminisced Heathcliff, “it always seemed there was some fool who had insulted the honor of my mentor. So in the hours past midnight, I could usually be found scouring the cafes and bars of the city for a disrespectful sot, to whom I would have to teach the dignity of his heritage.”

    “‘Oh, Heathcliff! Weren’t you frightened by all the violence?’

    “‘Madame,’ I told her gravely, ‘In the words of Jacques Lacan, there will always be brawling among men- but one day Camus will be returned to the Pantheon.’

    “‘Did you feel alienated?’ she asked.

    “‘Madame, I was a Frenchman! I attended the industrial strikes, and I wrote letters to the editor of the city newspapers. Eventually, just by going about my business, I attracted the attention of a gang of Dadaist sans culottes, who decided to run me as their candidate for the Council of Paris. I was elected councilor; but my bill to re-inter Camus in the Pantheon was tabled. The next year, it was the La Pennist sans-culottes who chose to run me, and again I was elected. But as a politician, I could achieve nothing. The following term, there were bloody clashes between the Dadaist and La Pennist sans-culottes in the streets of Paris, and I lost my seat. Returning to my bridge at the Isle de la Cite, I found that the city had welded shut the steam pipe. I then wandered for some days until I came to Maxwell Street.’

    “To make a long story short, the Dowager ran me for City Council again, and I won, more than

    25 years after I once held the office, and I serve there still. In fact,” said Heathcliff to Bill confidentially, “both Sartre and Simone de Beauvoir visited the Rue Maxwell after your departure and greeted me in the same old bookstore across the street.”

    “Incredible,” said Bill.

    “Butterfly,” said Heathcliff confidentially, sitting down, and leaning in close to his son, “the squatters of the Rue Maxwell have become a problem. I was never able to do anything about them while I was raising you, and now they want to burn down L’Academe, which has always been the fount and reservoir of the Committees of Conscience, from the time of the bookstore’s founding. Will you help me expel the squatters, and restart the Committees?”

    Bill bit his lip and closed his eyes. He didn’t know how to solve the problems on Maxwell Street, because nobody had ever tried. But he would go down to the Champs Elysees the next morning and buy 30 or 40 of the strongest locks he could find.

    “I’ll try,” said Bill at last.                                                                   

    #

    The next morning, as Bill was affixing a lock to the door of his old residence at 5106 Rue Maxwell. Heathcliff came hobbling up on his cane. “Follow me, ‘Butterfly’!” cried Heathcliff. “They’ve put up a barricade- the squatters are going to burn down L’Academe!”

    “I don’t think we’re prepared!” Bill shouted, tucking in the tails of his flannel shirt as he ran after his father. He raced down the slope and through the historic market, following the bobbing white wig as it disappeared and re-appeared amidst the maze of sunken temples and broken columns among which cattle once grazed. He almost stumbled over a trio of young Frenchmen shooting dice and kicked the dice out of the pit.

    “I run the dice games in this town,” Bill told them, as he leapt over their stupefied heads and chased the old Quebecois through the market.

    Already, there was screaming in the marketplace, and the musicians at the bandstand, switched to a few chords of ‘La Marseillaise,’ before they disbanded altogether, threw their instruments into a pile and ran for cover.

    At long last he came to L’Academe. Faces peered down through ivy-covered windows, far, far above the massive, featureless gray 12th century fortress wall. The gendarmerie, clad in riot gear, had cordoned off the face of the buildings, and shepherded the outraged squatters into a protest pen on the other side of Maxwell Street. Bill breathlessly caught up with Heathcliff. Already, the squatters had set up a barricade: shopping carts, overturned Yugos’ broken-up picnic benches, and the ticket-taking booth from a metro station had all been shoved into the middle of Maxwell Street.

    “Save L’Academe!” shouted Heathcliff hoarsely, as he banged with his fists on the barricade.

    “Fuck you, Petain!” screamed Bougard from across the street. “We’re not squatters- your Academe is the one that’s the trespasser!”

    At that moment, another young fellow walked up to Bill and Heathcliff. He was between the age of the adoptive father and son, and had long hair, a sparse but disorderly goatee, and tortoise-shell glasses.

    “Professor Heathcliff, I’m glad to see you are not standing over there, chanting with those retards,” said the newcomer warmly.

    “This fellow is Frere Fructidor whom I know from the old days,” said Heathcliff to Bill.

    “How are you, Jacques. How long before the National Guard shows up?”

    Suddenly a buzzing sound emerged overhead, but its source was invisible. “Is that them? Is that the National Guard?” asked Heathcliff, keeping one eye on the squatters as he looked down a side street.

    Fructidor unfolded a pair of opera glasses and studied the scene. “So many different uniforms,” he said thoughtfully. “Surely those are not French troops.”

    “Alors?”

    The trio were silent for a moment. “Could every country in Europe have sent their armies, just to protect L’Academe?” Bill asked incredulously, as he peered with his naked eyes at the distant scene.

    “No, there are French troops, after all,” Fructidor corrected himself. “On the right, there is the East German secret police. It looks like they are being led by ‘Iron’ Erich Mielke. Overhead on the left, we have two Med-Evac squadrons of the Transylvanian Coast Guard. But they are all being led by the French National Guard, in the center. The government has sent the very best,” said Fructidor.

    “The Three Musketeers Battalion. L’Academe is saved.”

    “Well done,” said Bill. “Dad, let’s go.”

    The entire crowd had broken into a riot. The squatters collided with one another and got hung. up upon the barricades and other wreckage which they themselves had hauled into the middle of the street.

    “Come here, Dad!” said Bill, grasping his adoptive father firmly by the arm. Bill was trying to hold onto Heathcliff amidst the tumult, when he felt something soft strike him in the back of the head and fell to the ground unconscious.

    #

    That was the third time that Bill had been knocked unconscious, all within the last two weeks. The first had been in a swampy forest clearing at the base of Karisimbi: a perplexing denouement to an entire venture notable for the failure of the well-intentioned to mediate its dialectical contradictions, such being necessary for its success.

    Bill remained with the camp on Mt. Karisimbi for seven years, notwithstanding the sexual abuse he uncovered that first fall. He grew to manhood serving on the anti-poaching team and learned to diligently protect the endangered mountain gorillas they had all come to love so deeply. Bill was fascinated by the contradictions which seemed to inhere so deeply within Dian, who was so dedicated to the gorillas that she sometimes lived in communion with them- but treated not only the Twa, but all Rwandan natives, with utmost disparagement.

    Her contradictions summoned within him, over the years, feelings first mysterious, then contemplative, and finally inflamed. Bill was inwardly enraged that his mentor could devote herself to such good works, yet at the same time accommodate such malign acts in her spare time. Nonetheless, there being no more visible abuse, Bill remained a dedicated part of the anti-Poaching project. He never foresaw how the failure to address and synthesize the conflict between the animal preservation and human rights movements would lead to such imminent tragedy.

    It was one of Dian’s own volunteers who initiated the violent conflict that apparently later claimed Dian’s life. A team of zoologists came upon the remains of one of Dian’s favorite gorillas, named Digit-a mere adolescent- on a mountain slope across the valley. Not long thereafter, one of Dian’s volunteers shot a herder, who Dian said was trespassing in the area, in the thigh with a high-powered rifle. After that, it was, ‘Katy, bar the door.’[1]

    A few days after, Bill was patrolling a mountain pass at the base of Karisimbi. Dian had come across a slope littered with gorilla scat, and since diarrhea was associated with sudden danger experienced by a gorilla family, she had sent the patrol to investigate. Poachers had of late taken to capturing infant gorillas for sale to zoos and massacring their families.

    The team leader led Bill and his group into a forest clearing to get a view of a mountaintop and get his bearings. In the mistaken belief that the clearing was unoccupied, Bill followed, soon learning that it was marshy up to his thighs 

    “Get down!” hissed Lukacs, the team leader. He quickly raised his rifle, pointed it across the clearing and pumped off several rounds. A scream issued from the other side.

    “Don’t do that!” shrieked Bill. “Why are you shooting that man?” Momentarily, Bill felt the dart enter his flesh just above his waist.

    He awoke days later, unsure how far he was from Karisimbi, or what time it was. Through daylight which hesitantly penetrated his chamber, he concluded after some time that he was in a Twa hut, lying on a blanket on a dirt floor. Across from him a withered, toothless old man sat calmly on his haunches, regarding him.

    “I know you,” said the man, gumming a betel nut. “You’re the White who saved our people from the Old Witch Woman who lives on top of Karisimbi.” He regarded Bill, who remained silent. “Don’t worry,” he said at last. “Red Cross be here this afternoon. 

    At length, the Twa elder lit a hashish pipe, which filled the spare chamber with intoxicating vapors. As the afternoon dragged on, a chorus of children began chanting traditional Twa songs. For some time, the songs seemed good-willed but untrained and rather atonal. Then they were interrupted by the sound of tires and a low engine. At length, guitar sounds emerged, and to Bill lying in the cannabis smoke, the Twa song was transformed into the most scintillating, buoyant Afropop.

    In the mid-afternoon, the elder came and led Bill from the hut. Sunlight filtered moderately Through a forest canopy. He accepted a ride with two staff from the Red Cross, a Brit and an Australian.

    “Where to, mate?” asked the British driver, once the Land Rover was safely en route.

    “Karisimbi,” said Bill.

    “What you going up there for?”

    “I’m a volunteer in Dian Fossey’s zoology camp,” he explained.

    “Fossey’s dead,” said the driver. “Murdered several days ago. The Rwandans want to charge an American student, but the consulate spirited him back to the States.”

    “Better take me up to Karisimbi,” said Bill. “I’d better get this sorted.”

    “Are you sure?” asked the driver.

    Bill was silent.

    “You’re a long way from a bowl of moules frites and bottle of Riesling, my friend,” said the Aussie. “Are you sure you don’t just want us to take you to the airport?”

    “Fuck it,” said Bill finally. “Take me to the airport.”

    #

  • Pinocchio in Port Authority

    There are those boys-to-men whose slightened look seems built in, permanent. Are they beautiful through the sheer fact that they’ve been thwarted? With lithe, curtailed limbs and a taste for shiny, tailored clothes, they resemble jockeys. But when their heart-shaped faces are pinched by too many sleepless nights on the street, their wiry bodies take on a shrunken look. It is then one realizes that their delectable slightness may be the result of early drug use or their mother’s own libidinal activities during pregnancy.

    Such a creature was Pinocchio, marked by inheritance to serve pleasure. His only known biological parent—his mom—was a homeless rape victim, caught in a park and taken against a tree. The foster parent who’d tried to raise him before he ran away was an old Jewish bookbinder who’d been thrown out of a Soho loft to make room for an artist cum investor.  

    Playland, a video arcade of jingling games, digitized grunts and groans, became the truant place where Pinocchio and his runaway friends passed the time and plied their wares. With the good nature of those people who have no attention span, Pinocchio attracted his fair share of admirers. He wore silky tank tops over miniature muscles with gleaming gold jewelry on his satiny patina, against which the daddies never tired polishing their voracious, slippery tongues. He also had a rakish grin. But his unreliability earned him some enemies that resulted in a growing number of gouges and nicks on his splintery rib cage. Needle marks and knife blades then marred the polished blandness of Pinocchio’s underdeveloped looks. As times grew bad, his oversized pants slipped half-way down his nonexistent buttocks while his big aluminum elbow joints of a sallow color poked from his ripped sweatshirt.  

    One day the most near-sighted and bloated of Old Fags came into Playland to beg. His dried-out pate was pitifully plastered over a greasy forehead. “Take pity on a man who has wasted his years and come back with me to my little Bowery room for a pittance,” begged he. 

    Pinocchio’s pinpoint eyes sparkled with the fun of having caused such a sweet, needy reaction. “I’ll go anywhere with you for a slice of pizza piping hot and a new, smooth twenty dollar bill,” he said brightly. 

    The Old Fag waddled discreetly to the door ahead of the giggly puppet. This was because a passing policeman could have been very disturbed at the sight of such an obvious couple leaving the palace of pleasure.

    Out on the street Pinocchio’s ebullient impatience made him skip in circles around the lumbering john. They made their way toward the subway past Pinocchio’s cronies—runaways and petty thieves lounging against the grimy walls of the avenue. The thought that he had the power to throw some happiness unconcernedly the old whale’s way made Pinocchio sparkle with celebration. He flashed gallant grins at the filmy coke-bottle lenses of the trick, but from time to time also sneaked mischievous glances to his lounging buddies, who all snickered at the sight of such an old bag of moldy jelly wheezing along next to the clattering legs of a young, brave marionette.

    The Old Fag’s room was just as decrepit as he was. Next to a lumpy mattress was a scratched desk and some tattered notebooks. And next to the notebooks was an old-fashioned ballpoint with a barrel made not of plastic but of some kind of metal. 

    Pinocchio gave a cursory glance at an open page of one of the notebooks. Although he could not read very well, he was able to make out the title, which was, “How a Puppet Became a Real Boy.” Writers, who were often failures, made Pinocchio bored and uneasy. Like a leaf, he floated away from the drudgeful writing and onto the mattress, surprised that even his negligent weight made the springs creak. His pointed face with its hard lines still held its rakish smile, for he feared not the greasy touch of the failure’s lips on his little wooden knob. It had long ago become permanently stiff and practically insensitive, so used was he to poking it into slots that would yield some profit. 

    Pinocchio fixed his eyes out the window on a fleecy white cloud scudding across the blue sky. He was sweetly oblivious to the drool leaking over his hard little thighs. That whimsical generosity that he had been born with made him hope that the Old Fag was experiencing pleasure. But then the trick did the one thing Pinocchio couldn’t tolerate. With the nubs of his blunt, ink-stained fingers he began to fiddle with Pinocchio’s hinges.

    “Hold off, just a minute,” said Pinocchio pulling back the head of the trick with his own splintery hand. “Those are not rust-proof hinges. As you can see, they are built in to protect them from the rain. I told you I did just about everything, but that’s one thing I won’t. I can’t stand to be handled at my knees, ankles, wrists, elbows or other hinged places. It gives me a creepy feeling as if somebody were messing with my insides.” 

    He who had seemed humble and needy before now became overbearing and greedy. With his much greater weight he attempted to bend poor Pinocchio’s legs over his shoulders so that he could lick the metal hinges that attached his thighs to his hardwood buttocks. But all the hinges in Pinocchio’s body slammed straight with the force of a rattrap and the tips of the man’s fingers, as well as the tip of his tongue, were nearly severed. 

    The man sat up and pressed his throbbing fingertip against a forearm, and his bleeding tongue tip against compressed lips. The puppet had paled with rage and was almost the color of unfinished pine. “You’ve made a big mistake,” said the Old Fag, talking like someone balancing a hot potato in his mouth. “Though I wasn’t devoid of desire I was also well-meaning. You’re a sad wooden thing that never really gets to be genuine. Consequently, you are doomed to repeat the same mistakes for the rest of your life. But by opening yourself to your own feelings and treating others with the tenderness for which you so secretly long, you might one day become a real boy!” 

    “I’m realer than you’ll ever be!” shouted Pinocchio. As soon as his lie had crossed his lips, his little nose, which up until then had resembled a smooth wooden button, grew. It became so big it could only have been the nose of some rare creature, an anteater perhaps, until finally it was so long and so big that it reached halfway across the room. And it was perfectly cylindrical– like a Ninja chuck. Whereupon Pinocchio, panicking, began to whirl, and his long wooden nose struck the Old Fag a rude blow in the temple. 

    The man’s eyes bugged out, and he slid off the bed in a slump. When he did, Pinocchio’s face, which had grown harder than mahogany, glared with triumph. 

    “I was lying,” he crowed, “for I’ve never been real and see no sense in ever being that. Real people must die, but wood is already dead and if it’s well kept will last practically forever.”

    As soon as he told the truth, Pinocchio’s nose shrank back to normal. However, it is likely the man did not have the chance to hear his words or see the nose shrink because he had already passed away. Pinocchio looked quickly around the room, realizing that now no one could stop him from stealing. There wasn’t much, unfortunately, not even a shade on the window. He wondered if he should take the notebook with the writing entitled, “How a Puppet Became a Real Boy.” He stared at the scratches on the page, but they just blurred his glass eyes. And besides, it must have been a very boring story. What self-respecting puppet would ever want to become a sappy boy? 

    As for money, in the man’s clothes and in his drawers was not even the twenty dollars he had promised, so Pinocchio grabbed the old ballpoint. He had suddenly thought that its metal barrel might make a good pipe. Off he skipped on his merry way, unscrewing the barrel of the pen and tooting on it in triumph, for although he had gained little from the encounter, he had his nose back and that was something to be glad about.

    It wasn’t long before the rumor spread throughout Playland that the police were looking for a notched, nicked, nasty puppet, last seen with a derelict whose carcass had been found rotting in a dismal Bowery hotel. Pinocchio almost went mad with worry. He couldn’t go back to Playland because they were sure to look for him there. 

    Before long he came to a large structure with a vast open mouth. It looked like a giant fish—a whale—with its baleens bared for feeding. And indeed, hundreds of figures, some that looked almost as important as minnows and others that seemed as insignificant as microscopic particles of plankton, were inhaled through these openings, while others seemed to be vomited out. This great fish’s hunger must have been insatiable, for the eating and vomiting was continual. Pinocchio soon learned that the giant fish was really a building known as the Port Authority, and it contained all manner of men and beasts in its bowels. Some remained in it forever because they couldn’t find their way out. No one, reasoned Pinocchio, will discover me here, for the stew of creatures is just too thick and perplexing. I’ll lose myself on the staircases and in the restrooms.

    Pinocchio let himself be sucked through the huge mouth-like entrance and buffeted about by the streaming crowds, and it was a pleasurable feeling. But since he was a puppet of cured wood, he kept one predatory eye always open. One day, as he stood at the urinal holding his wooden knob, he was struck by an image of wealth in the opposite mirror. It was a tall, elegant individual in a dark suit, holding a briefcase. The individual’s skin had a heavenly or deathly bluish cast, and what was even stranger was that his hair was blue, too. From his eyes, which seemed glazed, floated a kind look of renunciation.

    Pinocchio didn’t know it, but this was the Blue Fairy. The Blue Fairy had been lithe and attractive just a few months before and had loved every kind of pleasure—dinner parties and clubs, sex and leather. Then a spell had begun to transform him into an unwell, emaciated figure. But there was a look of purity to his ravaged body. In fact, it seemed worn and polished down into simple, elongated curves, much like Pinocchio’s. 

    Pinocchio was very attracted to the Blue Fairy and very excited to be standing next to him. Without looking down at Pinocchio’s thing, the Blue Fairy glanced at Pinocchio and smiled sweetly. He wore a suit of such a perfect cut that Pinocchio was sure he must have lots of money.

    Actually, the Blue Fairy was just as taken by the little puppet whose wooden knob stuck straight out toward the urinal but from which no liquid streamed. How wonderful, thought he to himself, to be made of wood and never have to worry about changing. And should you be reduced to splinters or even used as kindling, I bet it wouldn’t hurt at all. For by then everything hurt the Blue Fairy. His legs ached dully and sometimes felt like they were made of wood, and his feet always felt like hot, streaming sand or a swarm of angry bees, and when he moved his jaw it felt creaky as if it were set on broken hinges. 

    Before long Pinocchio sat in the Blue Fairy’s penthouse and learned that he had been a stockbroker and still had a large bank account and very good disability and medical insurance. Weeks after that day, Pinocchio was still sitting there. He passed the time watching all kinds of cable stations on the big color TV. But sometimes he grew tired of this and his dry eyes ached because no one had given him lids and he could not close them no matter how tired he was. He even smashed the TV once, but the Blue Fairy shrugged it off as a tantrum and bought another. At other times, Pinocchio filled the big sunken tub in the bathroom with gallons of water and lots of bubbles. Then he would float on top of the water without sinking, like a piece of wood, staring—unblinkingly, of course—at the ceiling. 

    As tired as Pinocchio became of the cable TV and the big tub, he stayed inside because he was afraid the police would be looking for him. The Blue Fairy, who didn’t feel that well, began staying in more and more, too. Occasionally, the Blue Fairy asked Pinocchio to get on the bed. Then the Blue Fairy would slowly remove the clothes from his own emaciated body with its polished blue vellum skin. Pinocchio would wriggle out of his tiny undershorts. The Blue Fairy’s bony pelvis would clink against Pinocchio’s beveled wooden hips. Their heads would bump lightly against each other and sound like someone knocking on the door, and the experience would really be quite pleasant.  

             

    In truth, blank, insensible surfaces often long for decoration, in hopes of raising their status, which is probably the reason why Pinocchio soon began to yearn for a gold tooth. He had always fancied one to set off the polished sheen of his little heart-shaped face and its surly wooden mouth. He wanted it right in front, where everyone could see it. Unfortunately, the Blue Fairy thought that Pinocchio was already hard and durable and shiny enough, and as he got sicker he was beginning to wish for something softer and more enveloping; so he refused to get Pinocchio the tooth. This led to terrible fights that exhausted the Blue Fairy and left Pinocchio pouting.

    Then, one day, the Blue Fairy went out. As soon as Pinocchio heard the key turn in the lock, he leapt from the couch and began rifling through the Blue Fairy’s drawers. And since he thought the Blue Fairy would be very angry this time and would never forgive him, he took all the money he could find. 

    He ran to a jewelry store run by Chinese people in Times Square, which was still Old Times Square and no longer attracted many tourists. In the window gleamed a gold cap with a small diamond embedded in the center. The gold was very yellow, and the diamond glared brighter than a mirror. Pinocchio almost chipped his nose as he pressed closer to see and it bumped against the glass. He pointed to the gold cap and the Chinese man motioned him into the store. When Pinocchio had given the man half his money, the man took a large file and began shaving Pinocchio’s upper front tooth away. 

    Pinocchio’s mouth filled with saw dust, and he was afraid he would choke to death. Finally, the man held up a mirror to show that there was a little wooden stub where Pinocchio’s front tooth had been. Then the man took the gold cap with the diamond and slid it over the stump and clamped it tight by twisting it with a large pair of pliers that sent sparks flashing through Pinocchio’s brain.

    *

    The next few days were a blur of pleasure as he paraded through his old haunts with the gold tooth always showing. He even got the courage to go back to Playland. No one, he thought, would identify him as the bad puppet now that he had the new tooth. The gold tooth was so spectacular that it made him look like a real person. And he was sure that people would pay much more to be with someone they thought was real, a realization that made him chuckle about his bright future.

    In just a few days, the rest of the money was gone. Pinocchio still had the gold tooth, but his clothes were beginning to look rumpled. What was even more distressing was the fact that he had been trapped in the rain for a whole day. His shins and forearms were beginning to feel stiff, probably because of warping, and his joints made a creaking sound. The next day a whole gang of giant rats from the subway who had watched Pinocchio boast about his gold tooth and wanted it chased him down the Up escalator at inside the whale called Port Authority. The little puppet with the warped shins stumbled and went rolling down the escalator stairs with a crash. His head struck the railing, and the tooth popped out. One of the rats snatched it up and off they scrambled.

    From then on, Pinocchio looked like a little puppet with a dizzy smile and a dark gap in his mouth. He never grew any bigger. Everyone knew he was a puppet, stick-limbed as he had become. What’s more, his warped shins and forearms made him move in a jerky way that some found charming but others thought was a bit pitiful and robotic. Now and then he remembered the manuscript that the man in the Bowery had been writing and wondered what it might be like to be a real boy. But he thought of the possibility less and less. Thus, little Pinocchio found his calling early in life. Even as he neared twenty-eight, he was still stuck mimicking the charm of the wobbly-headed playmate, easily influenced yet unpredictable, accommodating yet wooden.

     

    If this story has made you a bit squeamish, recall that those born in misfortune and toughened by hard luck endure with little complaint levels of suffering that to most are unimaginable. Theirs is the blank smile of constant hardship, unmitigated by others’ pity and destined to repetition. Some become entertainers, because little wooden faces branded with sparkling eyes and shiny lips have been marketed as playthings through the ages. For a surprisingly long time, their noses and other aggressive appendages merely grow stronger and more insensitive the more they are abused.

     

  • Six Poems – Joobin Bekhrad

    FROM ‘THE SAILOR’

    I
    Even with his prayer
    Still moist on my lips,
    And in his presence,
    ’Bove gilded steppe,
    Did he stand veiled
    Atop the mountain
    In astral navel fixed,
    Watchtower awash
    In primordial light,
    Whose violet heights
    We’d scaled, weightless,
    With crumpled wings
    In belated returning;
    But I closed my eyes,
    Still drunk with sleep,
    Smiled all the same —
    Blind to his face,
    But happy knowing
    That I would ever be
    Within his shadow.

    XIV
    Her broken nose,
    Gaudy lips, and all
    Sink in the blaze,
    Rise in clouds
    Above the tenement
    Before the eyes of
    Her would-be boy,
    From which she fell,
    Loose ’n’ limber chit,
    Headlong in a wink,
    With floating sheaves
    Of Delphic leaves
    After dry spells
    Long drawn out,
    As sighs that Apollo
    Out of songs
    And swigs the last
    Spanish draughts
    In the ruins of the night,
    At the end of the line,
    In bleakest east.

    XVII
    This lonesome cella
    Lies sprinkled with dust
    That sticks to my feet,
    Falls through my fingers,
    The dust of stars
    Born of dreams and
    Blotted out by time.
    No longer do I peer
    From out the shadows
    Or squander words
    Better left unsaid,
    But listen to the echoes
    Of a litany of blessings
    On that goddess
    Of ravaged steppe,
    Gone, like Babel’s babe,
    As an ebbing glow
    Now burns my eyes,
    And I try to recall
    The slant of hers.

    XXV
    Should I slip away
    Behind my eyes
    And wrest from light
    The tail-end of a dream,
    Or think upon you,
    Giving thanks that,
    She dies again as ever,
    My calendula, and I
    Live yet to see her so?
    Not lit up on the lees
    Of yesterday’s wine,
    Nor a plaything of
    Some blinkered thief
    Who makes off with
    What little o’wit is left —
    I want to be to flesh
    And earth unbound,
    Feel those fingers,
    Still now and warm,
    Decked with gold
    Of Rhages, running
    Through my ringlets.
    I’ve no longer the heart
    For crescent moons
    And candlelight.
    O, if you could but
    Give me the wings
    That once were mine!

    FROM ‘TURNCOATS OF PARADISE’

    VIII
    A wince at black magic
    Spells the death of day.
    I’m all out of words,
    And I’ve said nothing
    At the bright-lit bend:
    Brown eyes and brambles
    Still without a name.
    Lo, here come the Ides
    To turn me heathen,
    Steal my sun-snatches.
    And there go the swines
    Of worlds old and new
    With mouthfuls of pearls,
    To the hills, out of sight;
    And the witching hour
    Leaves me with none
    Of night’s sweet lethe,
    Only weak of limb
    And pinched of hope,
    Bare ’fore hidden stars
    And stillborn dawn alike.

    XVII
    Odalisques, wreathed
    With wilted petals
    Of the Orient plagued,
    Await with traces
    Of sand-speckled smiles
    The laggard flames
    Of psychic pyres.
    Southwards we turn,
    Disbelieving our words,
    The laurel and the lyre,
    And all those violet visions
    Risen from blind alleys
    Beneath our mountains,
    Turncoats of Paradise.
    Though the feathered ones
    Can no longer gainsay
    This bitter sun so bleak,
    We won’t see our bones
    Buried neath our feet;
    And if the sky we can’t see,
    Atlas’ shores are ours.
    What a sendoff we’ll give
    To our cracked idols,
    Cast them out to sea,
    See them on the breakers,
    And never look back,
    But find, with eyes of jade,
    Our way home before dusk.

    Reprinted with permission from the author. Find both collections here.

  • Maybe Ricki

    Maybe Ricki

    You think Ricki is a narc. Then again, you think she isn’t. You don’t know because every decision you’ve ever made has sucked, right from the time you dropped like a brick from Alice’s womb. You remember her vaguely, from before they took her–long dark hair and tracked arms.

    Ricki sits across the Parkside Lounge from you, almost every night. She sells you little pills of joy. She says she’s small time. She’s a marriage counselor by day, but, you know, she tells you, with that little turn of her head and almost shy smile, that a girl’s got to make ends meet. I’m not gettin’ any younger.  Manhattan costs, she says.

    She doesn’t live in a squat like you do on Attorney Street.

    You think she can’t be a narc. What cop would go undercover as a marriage counselor? No. She tells you she’s been divorced five times, so she knows what she’s talking about.

    Long ago, you told her you were married once and she laughed. Not “ha ha,” but a who-the-fuck-would-marry-you laugh. She made a joke to veil her surprise. Maybe trying to hide that she just doesn’t believe it, along with all the other shit you spill.

    When you whisper, “You’re a fucking narc,” she gets mad for a sec. Even just an accusation like that sinks business. But then she doesn’t take you seriously. You are smaller than small time to her, lower than a rounding error to even her piss ass commerce.

    Tuesday night you go to Ricki because you need what Ricki has. She’s cheap, she’s easy and she’s around. And she’s not a narc.

     She’s dealt you for three months and never busted or nicked you.  You haven’t been feeling well for months.  The stomach likes less and less what you shove down into it. You hardly sleep. You can’t even shit right. Even the lowest fucking rat has no problems shitting. But you do.

     Ricki tells you to lay off the pills for a while. They’re gonna kill you, she says. I like to keep my customers, she laughs.

    That increases your paranoia. Why would a dealer tell a customer that you should stop buying?  What the fuck is that you ask yourself.  Now you think she’s a narc again. She’s afraid of killing you by accident, you figure she figures. That would get out and ruin her chances of a promotion, right?

            But you can’t trust yourself. You haven’t had a useable thought beyond how to get the money you need each day for your little ride and not get caught, because most times you steal for it. Sometimes you help Jimmy out with club security. But the owners don’t want customers to see your knuckled face while they wait at the velvet ropes, so you’re the man in reserve, inside the club’s doors. Never out front.  But you are good at that. That is the one thing you excel at.

    Yesterday, you took that kid’s skateboard. You notice it says Destructo on it and you think that’s funny because that was your nickname for the couple odd years you wasted in high school.

    So you clothes-line the rich kid while he’s wheeling fast with his stupid wool cap pulled down over his head, even though it is 80 degrees out. He goes flying into the low iron railing circling a tree in Tompkins Square Park. A red jet stream explodes from his nose like it couldn’t wait to leave his body.

    His friends are such faggots that they go to him instead of going after you like they should. But you know that. Absolutely know. You only run half a block before you see they aren’t coming for you. You figure the board is worth $200 new and you get $20 for it from Leo. You think that’s a good deal.

    At the Parkside you give your money to Ricki. She looks at you with pity. Right there you’d like to break her face, but you don’t have another dealer you trust so that’s out. For now. You walk back to the bathroom and drink some water and down the happiness. All four of ‘em.

    When you come out your nerves are better. You see Ricki for what she is. Just a little bit less of a fuck up than you. Not a narc. As you pass, she says only heroin addicts are worse at breaking their habit than speed freaks.

    You don’t care. You mouth the words, “Fuck you,” in her direction.

    You still have…what is it called? Amphetamine…psychosis? she says and downs her rum and coke.

    They nab you for heating glass in a parking lot near on Norfolk St. You think sitting between cars on the ground would hide you, but the smoke gives you away to the attendant. When you are fiending you get anxious and hallucinate. People who are talking to you sound as if they are yelling at the top of their lungs. Passing trucks sound like a TNT blast. You see a lot of things out of the corner of your eyes that are not there when you look straight at them. But you see them.

    You got sprung for telling the DA what he wanted, even though you knew the dealer you snitch would eventually get to you. And you lie for the DA anyway. You need out. You’re tired of being bitched by the bulls and the cons.

    Haitian Gerard is out on bail now, you hear, so you stay away from his turf.

    You remember you came into the bar once with a blue hospital bracelet on your wrist, fresh out of Riker’s infirmary. You tell Ricki you don’t have that psychosis thing even though that’s what the Riker’s nurse warned you about, shaking his head, knowing you were a lost cause.

    You want to kill Ricki but you don’t want to lose your source without a new one to replace her.

    You go to your seat at the bar, the far end away from the door.  Lazlo, the bartender kid, lets you sit there and nurse a Bud all night. You know he feels sorry for you, but you don’t care. He’s in college. So fucking what.

    Then, out of the corner of your eye, you see the Haitian come in and the bar lights go out.  Gerard is coming for you. You duck quickly behind the bar and roll under the wash stand. There’s just enough room. People are yelling.  A bang. Just one. People scream.

    The lights go back on and Ricki is on the ground with one little black hole right in her forehead. But big enough. A thick, shiny rivulet of blood seeps from it, rolls along the top of her right eyebrow over her ear and mixes with the sawdust on the ancient parquet floor.  People run out the door dialing 911 on their cell phones.

    You pull yourself out from under the washstand and the grease from it slicks your t-shirt. You feel the shit on your back.

    You head for the door. Wait. Ricki’s purse is laying on the ground, a beautiful nugget.  You rifle it and score some pills and rock. You run away, but wait, was that reflection that blinked at you for a moment from inside the bag a gold badge?  Maybe Ricki was a narc after all? Or maybe she wasn’t small time enough. This is the Haitian’s turf.  Fuck, you think, now you have to find a new dealer, far away from here.

  • Poem

    “What’s good?” from the other side.

    Great news: I’m alive and well in living color… just not in the way that you are used to… and for that I’m sorry.

    Did you get my message? The one left near the body I chose to leave behind?

    It’s been lonely… and I might not be there now… but I’m always with you.

  • Six Poems – Bernadette Bowen

    Six Poems – Bernadette Bowen

    WE ARE ALL SURFACES IN THE ENVIRUSMENT

    My love 
    Hangs around 
    Like mold.

    I Infiltrate 
    Your porous 
    Wood

    Sink into 
    Your 
    Remembrains.

    —-

    Don’t 
    Mind me…

    …Just evading

    Lapses to 
    Rid your 
    Infrastructure 
    Of me;

    Fortifying 
    Myself 
    —Stronger 
    Than ever 
    Inside You.

    —-

    I am the 
    Twenty-percent 
    That know 
    How to 
    Survive

    Your vinegar.

    —-

    Undetected 
    I cunningly curb 
    Your interest

    Til you’re

    Cupping at 
    The seems.

    —-

    Curve for me.

    Show me 
    How 
    Your heat

    That 
    Grows me

    Cannot 
    Contain 
    Itself there

    Inside your 
    Surfaces.

    —-

    Allow me 
    To snake 
    Through 
    your veins

    Like water;

    Weaving 
    Through 
    Your textures,

    Tainting Your 
    Would boreds,

    Inking them 
    With life.

    —-

    Isn’t it 
    All So 
    Exhilarating—

    —How Even 
    My most 
    Toxic 
    Release of 
    Spores

    beats 
    The drone 
    Of your

    Tidy 
    Polished 
    Home. 

     

    I HAVE BEEN WADING

    On the 
    Ocean of 
    Missing you 
    For So Long,

    I’m getting 
    Scurvy 
    Over here.

    —-

    I have the 
    Cabin Fever of 
    Missing you.

    —-

    The Creatures 
    Of us

    Live on in the 
    Deepest parts 
    Of my memorseas.

    Not a day 
    Goes by

    I don’t 
    Hold my breath 
    To Dive back in 
    And pull them out;

    Basking them 
    in the sun 
    Of mynd’s surface.

    —-

    Our sea monsters 
    Shine brightly when 
    Allowed in daylight.

    —-

    I’m keeping 
    The map;

    Charting course 
    To our 
    Buried treasures.

    I haven’t 
    Forgotten 
    Where 
    X marked

    Our spots———- 
    —So Many Times.

     

    BALDILOCKS BUMBLER VIRTUOSO

    Watch me 
    Blow thought 
    Bubbles into our 
    Re-space-o-ship.

    —-

    Since You Shut 
    Your Electricity off,

    The pixels of me 
    Still spend all their

    Tokens and free time 
    Grinding, Bouncing, & 
    Reflecting in Our lights.

    —-

    A play palace 
    Despised, I

    ~backstroke~in the 
    ____ball pit____Full 
    ———Of our gazes 
    ——into each other.

    —-

    Though you stopped 
    Paying admission,

    The bare moments 
    of us—-Still Dance

    |||Encased||| in their 
    <<<>>>

    <<<>>>

    [Turns out,

    This space was 
    Always 
    self-sufficient].

    The show 
    Must Go On.

     

    I’M HERE TO(O)

    Fetishize 
    The face.

    Face it,

    I do not 
    Miss 
    Any

    -But 
    Yours.

    Take off 
    That mask

    Slowly 
    For me.

    No need 
    To be Shy 
    Or coy,

    I know 
    What’s under 
    There.

    I’ve seen it 
    All 
    Before.

    Show me 
    Again

    How you 
    You.

    It’s been 
    So long

    Since 
    Anyone 
    Worth 
    Looking 
    At

    Has Looked 
    At me

    Physically,

    Viscerally,

    in My 
    Direction.

    —-

    Before our 

    Total Dark

    I mourned 
    Our sight loss

    Like 
    I had

    My childhood, 
    Dog.

    I knew 
    We 
    Were going,

    So I 
    read books

    In place 
    Of 
    Your face

    To Supplant 
    Our Deterioration.

    I Wrapped myself 
    In The Comfort 
    Of fiction,

    Between covers 
    and frayed spines.

    Shipping 
    Is delayed

    On shared 
    smirks

    In the 
    Unfor-see-me-able 
    Future.

    In this 
    Envirusment,

    We are

    Flesh and 
    [Thus,] 
    Fresh Out

    of 
    Knowing 
    Glances.

    I see now,

    There is no way 
    To Properly grieve 
    the Relishment

    of your 
    Idiosyncrasies,

    As we are,

    Relegated 

    To only 
    A Past-time.

     

    YOU WERE NOT ROUTINE DENTAL WORK

    The worst Part 
    of losing you 
    is that _________ 
    ___________ 
    _____________.

    —-

    Not some 
    Superficial filling 
    I could replace.

    You were that 
    Real enamel Deal.

    —-

    Over the years, 
    I’d developed 
    Quite the sweet 
    Tooth; taking 
    Bigger Bites than 
    I Could chew.

    —-

    I ached from 
    Your erosion 
    For Months;

    Numbing myself 
    Preemptively 
    For Your extraction.

    —-

    You Didn’t 
    leave a 
    minor cavity.

    I required 
    A full-blown 
    root canal.

    My nerves laid raw in 
    the deepest parts of 
    me from your loss.

    —-

    You were ripped 
    from my mouth 
    and placed back 
    into that of another.

    I have 
    No right 
    to be sad

    Only sad writes; 
    Gumming at 
    Our leftovers.

     

    THE BABY

    Words in 
    My brain 
    Are crying 
    Out of me.

    They say 
    It’s time 
    For them

    To be 
    Birthed 
    Out from 
    My Mental 
    Holes &

    Into the 
    —World.

    —-

    Words 
    Have no 
    Need for

    Sucking 
    Their 
    Thumbs

    To self- 
    Soothe.

    They 
    Are the 
    Food & 
    The Shit,

    & We—-Are 
    The Worms.

  • Me and Bobby Kennedy

    Me and Bobby Kennedy

    1

    I never formally met Bobby Kennedy, but I did once alter the course of his life for maybe five minutes. Since then, I have always felt a certain kinship with him. Had he only lived longer, who knows what he might have achieved.

    My relationship with him began on a beautiful fall afternoon back in 1964, less than a year after his brother, President John F. Kennedy, was assassinated. It was a few weeks before Election Day, when President Lyndon Johnson would be running for a full term, and Bobby Kennedy would be running for senator in New York State.

    I was hanging out in the storefront clubhouse of the Eleanor Roosevelt Independent Democrats on the Lower Eastside of Manhattan, trying to figure out how we could distribute piles of cartons of campaign literature. We had all kinds of neighborhood characters dropping by, sometimes giving us political advice, but rarely offering to help out.

    One of my favorites was an elderly man with a long white beard, who told us his name, but then confided that everybody called him “Uncle Sam.” I can still remember two of his sage observations.

    “You want to know what is wrong with the name of the Republican Party?” he asked, while rolling the “R” in Republican.

    “Sure.”

    “Re means against; public means the people.”

    “Great!” Carlos observed. “The Republicans are against the people!”

    Smiling at his bright pupil, Uncle Sam was ready to disclose his second observation. “Do you know what is right in the middle of the Democratic Party?”

    We all just shrugged. Uncle Sam waited, wanting to give everyone a chance to guess. And then he told us:  “The Democratic Party has a rat in it,” again rolling his r’s.

    We just shook our heads. The man was perfectly right. We invited him to join our club. As he left, he said he’d think about it. But in the meanwhile, we should consider changing the name of our club. “Eleanor Roosevelt, she is a living saint. But think of getting rid of ‘Democrats’ from your name.”

    2

    As much of a character as Uncle Sam was, he did not come close to Mrs. Clayton, who burst into our office one afternoon and demanded to know where our Robert Kennedy glossy photos were. Indeed, where were they? We all looked at each other and just shook our heads in shame.

    “Are you trying to tell me that you don’t have any?”

    We sadly agreed.

    “Can any of you please answer this simple question? How can you call yourselves a Democratic club if, just weeks away from the election, you don’t have any of Bobby’s photos?”

    Mrs. Clayton was a very nice-looking Black woman, maybe in her mid-sixties. And she seemed quite comfortable expecting answers to her questions. But I couldn’t get past wondering why on Earth she was wearing a fur coat on such a warm day.

    “What? Do I have to do everything around here? Who’s going to drive me up to Kennedy’s headquarters on 42nd Street?”

    None of us had a car. “Mrs. Clayton, if you can get some Kennedy glossy photos for us, I’ll be glad to take you up there in a cab.”

    “You’re on, young man!”

    3

    Fifteen minutes later we arrived at a large storefront that served as Kennedy’s campaign literature depot. There, I saw cartons piled eight or ten feet high along the walls and a whole bunch of people, most of whom looked very busy. I heard quite a few Boston accents among them.

    Mrs. Clayton walked in as if she owned the place, and for all I knew, maybe she did. She buttonholed a middle-aged guy with red hair and the beginnings of a potbelly, and told him that she needed a few carloads of Kennedy campaign literature for this boy’s club on the Lower Eastside.

    “Who yah with?”

    “The Eleanor Roosevelt Independent Democrats.”

    “Never heard of ‘em.”

    “We’re on the Lower Eastside. We’re a Reform Democratic club,” I replied.

    “Oh, we already sent a whole pile of stuff tuh the Regular Democratic club down there – the Lower Eastside Democratic Association. Why don’t you get some from them?”

    “Are you familiar with the Hatfields and the McCoys?”

    This got a big laugh out of him. “Mrs. Clayton, you can take whatever you need.”

    He called over a couple of guys to help us, and a few minutes later, Mrs. Clayton and I were sitting in the lead limousine in a caravan laden with enough Bobby Kennedy glossies and other campaign material to give out to every Democratic voter in the entire city.

    When we got to our clubhouse, Kennedy’s workers and our own people quickly filled up our entire space from floor to ceiling. When they were ready to leave, Mrs. Clayton‘s parting words to us were quite direct, “When you need something, all you’ve got to do is ask for it.” Then, she got back into the limo and rode home in style.

    4

    After Mrs. Clayton left, the rest of us started going through some of the cartons. Whatever else might be said, there surely were enough Bobby Kennedy glossy photos, many of which showed him with smiling crowds of people. But there was far too much campaign literature for us to use, even if every household got dozens of different pieces every day.

    “What are we going to do with all this shit?” asked Martha

    “Hey, I’ve got a great idea!”

    Everybody looked at me. While I was apparently the quasi-leader that day – not to mention the person who’d helped Mrs. Clayton deliver the goods – they were hoping that I was serious.

    “Let’s dump whatever we don’t want in front of our dear neighbors, the Lower Eastside Democratic Association. You know, when I was at the Kennedy headquarters, they told me that those bastards down the block froze us out of our share of not just the Bobby Kennedy glossies, but of all the rest of his literature. So wouldn’t it be poetic justice to dump what we don’t want in front of their clubhouse?”

    Thankfully, cooler heads prevailed, especially since, without a car, it would have been some job carrying all those cartons. And we might have even gotten arrested for illegal dumping.

    “OK,” I agreed. But we need to make a good faith effort to distribute as much of this as we can. I really do hate to waste anything. And also, dumping this stuff would not be fair to Mrs. Clayton.”

    So, we all went back to going through more of the cartons. After several minutes, Harry called out, “Hey, what should we do with these?”

    He read us the title of a stapled packet of printed pages: “Senator Robert Kennedy’s Address to the Mizrachi Women.”

    “Who the hell are the Mizrachi Women?” I asked. I’ve heard of Mizrachi salami.”

    “Don’t they carry that brand at Katz’s Delicatessen? Maybe that’s what they’re referring to on that big sign they have on the back wall,” suggested Carlos.

    “What sign?” asked Harry.

    Carlos was laughing so hard, he had to hold up his hand for everyone to wait till he could speak. Then he said, “Send a salami to your boy in the army.”

    Now we were all laughing.

    Finally, after we had all settled down, Martha explained that the Mizrachi Women were a Zionist group that promoted education in Israel. That certainly seemed inoffensive enough.

    I said that I was uncomfortable about distributing this twenty-page handout because it appeared to be pandering to Jews. “Look, I’m obviously a member of the tribe, but I think that while it’s fine for Kennedy to address this group, distributing it may be going a step too far.”

    “So should we just dump them?” asked Martha.

    “I have a great idea!” declared Harry. Let’s give them out to people on the street, but only if they’re obviously not Jewish.”

    “Sounds like a plan,” I agreed.

    That evening, as I locked up, I felt we had gotten a lot done, although now we had to get rid of all that shit. On my way home, I saw a middle-aged Black couple standing under a street light. Their heads were bent together, but they weren’t talking.

    Then I noticed that they were thoroughly engrossed in something they were reading. It was Bobby Kennedy’s address to the Mizrachi Women.

    5

    The chances are, you never heard of Samuel Silverman and you’re not at all familiar with the Surrogate Court of New York County, aka the court of widows and orphans. Each borough of New York City has two surrogate judges, who appoint lawyers to handle inheritance cases of families who can’t afford their own legal representation.

    So that’s a good thing, right? Not always. And certainly not in the surrogate courts of New York and many other cities. Often lawyers, in cahoots with the surrogate judges, charge very high legal fees, depriving the widows and orphans of most or all of their inheritances.

    In 1966, Senator Robert Kennedy decided to put a stop to this practice at least in the Manhattan (New York County) Surrogate Court. Looking long and hard, he finally found the right man — Samuel Silverman, a justice of the State Supreme Court.

    The patriarch of the Kennedy clan, Joseph Kennedy, had amassed a family fortune that would be equivalent to at least ten billion dollars in today’s dollars. His hands were far from clean, but he provided his sons with seemingly unlimited funding to run for high political office.

    And so in turn, Bobby Kennedy funded Justice Silverman’s campaign in the 1966 Democratic Primary for a vacant Surrogate seat. Almost no one in the entire borough of Manhattan had ever heard of Silverman, let alone had any idea of whether or not he might be a good Surrogate.

    But none of that really mattered. What did matter were Senator Robert Kennedy’s endorsement and Joseph Kennedy’s money. But Bobby certainly put his father’s money where his own mouth was. He campaigned tirelessly for Justice Silverman.

    6

    One Sunday afternoon in late May, just a few weeks before the Democratic Primary, Bobby Kennedy, accompanied by Justice Silverman, was scheduled to tour the Lower Eastside, making stops in each neighborhood. The tour would culminate in a giant rally in perhaps the busiest intersection of the entire Lower Eastside – the junction where Essex Street and Delancey Street met.

    When the caravan arrived in front of our clubhouse, there was Bobby Kennedy sitting in a huge black convertible, and sitting next to him was Justice Silverman. Both of them were smiling and waving to a lively crowd and even reached out to shake a few hands.

    The problem was that they were more than an hour behind schedule, and had been long overdue for a rally before what might be the largest crowd in Lower Eastside history. When I approached the lead limo, the driver told me to hop into the front seat.

    “We already got lost three or four times. These damn streets don’t have any numbers like they do uptown.”

    “Hey, Boston’s even worse,” I replied.

    He laughed. “You got a point there.”

    “So you want me to be your guide?”

    “Absolutely! We got one more stop to make – the Lower Eastside Democratic Association.”

    “OK, I said. They’re just down the block, but if you’re really in a hurry, I know what we can do to save some time.”

    “You’re the boss!”

    We slowed as we approached their clubhouse. They had a small crowd, and when they saw Bobby, they went wild. They were expecting about a five-minute stop so that Kennedy and Silverman could each say a few words and maybe shake a few hands.

    But I told the driver to speed up and I’d get him to Essex and Delancey in less than two minutes. When the people in the crowd realized that we weren’t stopping, some of them starting cussing and shaking their fists in the air. I looked back and saw Bobby and Justice Silverman laughing. When he caught my eye, Bobby gave me the thumbs up.

    At Essex and Delancey, the police cleared a path for our motorcade, and Bobby and Justice Silverman climbed a ladder on the back of a large flatbed truck. There was an elaborate sound system, and despite all the ambient noise, Bobby could be easily heard even blocks away as he addressed the crowd.

    I could not believe how many people were there. Traffic was completely cut off for as far as I could see, and there must have been several hundred thousand people covering every square inch of ground.

    I got out of the limo and read the label attached to the ladder. It said, “Property of Joseph Kennedy.”

    Meanwhile Bobby was teasing the crowd. Of course, he knew why so many people showed up. There was just one person they wanted to see and hear, and regretfully, that person was not Justice Silverman.

    I remember his saying, “I know that all of you have been standing out here in the hot sun waiting to meet Justice Silverman…”

    There was a vast roar of laughter. Nobody had ever heard anything that funny. They would probably remember that remark for years. I certainly did.

    It didn’t really matter what Bobby said, or what Silverman said that day. Many of those people would vote for Silverman just on Bobby’s say-so. In a few weeks, Silverman would win in in a landslide.

    7

    Two years later, the Reverend Martin Luther King and Robert Kennedy would die from assassins’ bullets.

    And now, after so many decades, I still cry whenever I hear Dion’s mournful song, “Abraham, Martin, and John.”

    Here are the last four lines:

    Anybody here seen my old friend Bobby? 
    Can you tell me where he’s gone? 
    I thought I saw him walkin’ up over the hill 
    With Abraham, Martin, and John.

  • Poetry Holiday Grab Bag NYC

    Poetry Holiday Grab Bag NYC

    NYC Holiday TaxiNew York City Poems

    By Francesca Marais
     
    Shortchanged 5th Ave Blues
     
    his hands stroke the warm brass
    as his fingers orchestrate a sultry
    numbah
    the dehydrated leaves now Halloween orange
    begin to confetti from the trees
    next door Central Park playing piper
    to the stoopers moochers
    MET and museum enthused
     
    while their arms whip for their phones
    his lips purse into harmonies that could
    put a snake to bed
     
    the stoopers crowd the staircase
    and passersby confetti change
    over a hat
     
    his posture adjusts in an
    I-will-not-be-reduced-to-a-dollar
     
    New York at his feet
    unexpectant and lifted, his crowd’s
    mouths speak a quiet breeze
    they envision a viral uncovering of
    new-found-New-York-jazz-man
    his image doubled in vivo and
    Insta-televised on the latest iPhone
    zooming in from the top staircase
    the musician now a 45 degree bend
     
    dipping into his well of history
    he kneels into a crescendo
    the cameras, magnets gravitate
    the musician towards them and
    the shot is reeled in
     
    our jazz man’s pursed hum frowns
    even though the melodies
    sing a joy from his youth and of
    deep love for his woman his family
    his city
    the hat
     
    begs to be seized and another
    phone captures the blistering   
    synthesized tunes
    we envision a 10k following
    discovering uncovered ground
    jazz a new beat only found
    in the city where
    everyone comes to eat
     
    his back turns and we lose
    the portrait but his pain is there
    his clasping fingers pressing

    into it with another sound and

    his eyes hover over his
    shortchanged hat
     
     A warm bowl of kitchari to teach you to sit still
     
    Dieting is the second highest
    contribution to consumerism.
    Go figure…
    but unlike the rest of the
    21 day programs and elimination of
    this, that, and try a keto diet,
    fast intermittently, give up eating
    while-you’re-at-it diets, fads.
    This is a lifestyle, humbling me
    with its rice and grains
    ingraining memories of the warming
    meals grandmothers’ hands made,
    waking a sleeping me by crowing cock
    somewhere on some farm
    far away from these concrete slabs.
     
    The slow rush to greet the hidden sun
    behind haze over the Hudson, united me
    to my thoughts of hunger
    for something deeper
    a meal nor my tastebuds couldn’t
    distinguish – cheese,
    honey, chocolate, not even gum,
    no.
    Not even wine crossed my mind
    as I moved slowly
    in the race to transform
    my mind and body.
     
    Given up on the demon and
    angel trumpeting in my ears
    as I chugged a beer or shut the alarm
    or ate a cookie after a bowl of
    salad.
     
    I gave thanks for the bowl
    of kitchari more deeply,
    in wonderment.
    I obsessed with the floating
    notes of a jubilant spice market.
     
    Hail melted
    down my cheeks as
    my nose caught a whiff of the warm
    bowl of kitchari.
    I heard the angel speak to the
    demon asking when I’d grab
    for a slab or a pint.
    My hands fidgeted with anything
    they could find to quieten the noise,
    and I laughed alone outside myself
    recognizing the fixation for more
    movement in and around me.
     
    Beside myself with wet face and
    stuffed mouth; I thought
    mad or suffering withdrawals
    was I, but
    just realised all the
    channels were turned on
    with the volume maximized.
     
    born again.
     
    Times Square
    Beams on the empty streets
    I don’t even recognize
    The echoing of the sparse yellow cab
    In the distance, honking
    Barren sidewalks where
    I walk down directionless,
    No one around to shuffle past,
    Bumping in to remind me
    That time waits for no one in this city
    Where everyone comes to eat.
     
    How long has it been since
    your birds were able to sing? Since
    The fish jumped out of the East River
    To come up for air? Since your skies
    Weren’t shadowed by the remnants of
    Congested roads on the Holland-Tunnel
    Or Washington Bridge, trying to make it
    To work on time or back home for dinner?
     
    Since I didn’t need to scream
    in conversation to my friend next to
    Me on the subway? Like you, Manhattan
    With your surging energy,
    I survived on Laughing Man coffee to
    Fuel me from my day job
    To my effervescent East Village –
    Williamsburg parades, only
    Sleeping to sober its memory
     
    Like you Manhattan, I thrived in the
    Spaces foreign minds like mine connected
    Overlooking the New York skyline at a
    Limited pop-up happy hour venue,
    Recalling the names of the ten
    New faces while swimming in the
    Tiki themed cocktail menu I’ve consumed
     
    I need the noise to drive me so I don’t have to find what ignites me And potentially fail at it without even having tried
     
    I need the noise to drive me so I don’t need to face that I came Here without purpose
    And you’ve worn me out
     
    I need the noise to drive me so I don’t feel lonely
     
    Is that how you feel? Now that all the Peters
    Who called you home, have left now?
     
    You are free from entertaining a story
    Your trees can now breathe.
     
    Burnt stub
     
    “Talana,”
    That was the name of our team
    And I was maybe six or seven,
    Bending over to tighten the laces
    On my “takkies.”
    Butterflies cocooned in my insides
    As my head cocked on
    My marks.
    My crouch reversed into a stance and
    Like a precursor to victory
    I recognized you –
    Round eyeglasses, wide toothy smile.
    Your eyes beamed through the lenses
    As my shuffle galloped
    Your arms outstretched in
    Praise and pride
    Like a bet won on an unassuming
    Thoroughbred to make first place
    – I dove
    Into your embrace.
    Putting down the trophy
    Quickly,
    You lit a cigarette between
    Your fingers, pursed your lips and
    Drew, gazing out the left eye
    While I attempted to move
    A life sized white knight into the
    Black hole space now laced
    With traces of smoke you
    Left behind from
    your box of Champions.
     
    House = school team names used for student body participation in sports, etc. in South Africa
    Takkies = local term for sneakers, trainers, running shoes
     
     
    Wanderlust.
     
    A hint of adventure
    Remedies her cooling heart;
    A lioness watching its prey
    She makes no mistake
    In her advance
    And lands
    Right
    Where
    She
    Mus
    ter
     
     
    Still a 1980 American Citizen Dream
     
    Thank you, America, for teaching me
    About a dream and the extents
    That I will go to achieve it
    Finer things and fickle
    To my heart’s deepest desire
    To roam the deserted parts of the globe
    Away from humdrum in the machine
    You gave new meaning to sex and longevity
    And harmonized notions of romance, modern romance
    A silk film on screen I wear in the sweltering summer heat of the west
    And inner cities you’ve reared
    The colour of my skin giving me new meaning
    The identity I already thought was confusing melted deeper
    Into the pot of your vague appropriations
    Friendships old renewed after decades
    Learning progress through due process
    Without it you WILL NOT SUCCEED
    An undying gambit
    A gamble on a dream
    But most of all
    My mother who shook her own world
    To make it here
    Battling institution and reverse racism
    Support by the hour for your dollar
    Scrubs on since 1980
    That brought her all the way here
    And still she won’t do it
    But maybe one day she will
    But begs why you’ve been so
    Harsh and fang baring
    To someone who’s supported your dream
    Since before I was born

     

    New York City Poems

    By Tom Pennacchini

    A Bay Wolf in the Apartment of Eagles

    Come the dawning 
    Regardless of mood 
    I like 
    To take some moments 
    To 
    cut 
    the 
    Rug 
    in the morn light of my room

    dip 
    move 
    vibe and shimmy 
    I do the spasmodic 
    To the 
    Radio

    Amusing me self 
    And digging 
    The reflection of my Moves as 
    Silhouetted 
    in the Van Gogh prints 
    On my walls

    Oh yeah 
    I Got It 
    A Rock’n’roll kid 
    from 
    Get to Gone

    It’s my 
    Days 
    Dawn

    and

    Regardless of mood 
    This is my private morning 
    Clarion Call 
    and my 
    Free Flying 
    Fuck It All 
      
    Lone Folkie

    There is a squat/stout duffer in a windbreaker and a Mets cap on the outskirts of the park  
    playing a rickety 5 string and hoot ‘in and holler’ in. 

    I have no idea what he is singing.   
    There is no discernible melody.   
    Every now and then he stops/ freezes/ puts his forefinger in the air  
    to take some sort of measure  
    before plunging back into his flailing guitar.   
    After another stuttering burst he will stop/  
    then let loose with an elongated cry to the sky/   
    punk operatic/ style 

    nobody seems to stop/and listen/he does not have a container for contributions and probably would not get much trade/ 
    he is playing/for his own/self/and that is / enough   
    It’s/utterly senseless/ wholly out of key.   
    Beyond the realm of anything/  
    resembling cohesive musicality  
    /rambunctiously obtuse 

    yet imbued with an innocence that casts proficient excellence into a pallid light.  

    His songs/ performance/ like life/ a messy and inconclusive/ thing/

    You can have/ your polished practice and Carnegie aspirations/  
    and make of that an evening/ with class 
    but I like the way this codger lets her rip/   
    this ragged chanteur/  
    airs it out/ no class/ no talent/ but lotsa / style

    Shine on

    Shine on oh perishing republic of dreams 
    oh community of outcasts 
    Art in the essence with no need 
    for product or commodity 
    Convivial souls rabid rebels minds afire 
    Provincetown dunes Christmas Eve 
    Greenwich Village the 20’s to the 50’s 
    Innocent fervent glass of beer cafeteria a quarter 
    Shine on oh perishing republic of dreams!

    Winged Ones

    Bustling old fella dashing biddly bop by dressed to the nines 
    with briefcase stuffed under his arm equipped with fixed maniacal grin jabbering to himself while confirming his expressions 
    to an equally jazzed and jaunty westie he calls Ralph trailing exuberantly behind 
    lets me know 
    that there are actually still some living beings out there 
    to learn from

    Narcissus Stereo

    Whenever I am in a roomful of actors (christ don’t ask) I am buffeted and overwhelmed by waves of nausea 
    for some truly baffling reason they identify as artists but never discuss art 
    they do however love to dither on politics and dish presidents oh and 
    movies natch but Rembrandt or Brueghel nahhhh

    They are ostensibly interpreters of script but never discuss literature excepting Shakespeare which they have been dutifully schooled upon 
    (what the fuck – – art and …  school?)

    shame can be a necessity (we’re people after all)

    where’s the sense of it?

    Put In Place Out of Place 
      
    I have been shut down occasionally vis a vis my mutterances on the street corner and while attempting movement on the frenetic city sidewalks  
    I like to do it in order to sort of clear a path and in order  
    to facilitate and free up navigation-  
    at times I’ll say “I gotta do a little bit a that swivel and swerve” – or as I zig and zag out a maneuver – ” just the slip n slide” whilst moving and weaving thru the throngs 
    Other times I’ll emit a bit of a shriek  

    Or 

    Announce constructive critiques regarding their aptitude for city walking like  
    “Another dolt – doing the diagonal “!  – admonishing the herd – “I am begging for mercy “!  “Good heavens – cease and disperse the cluster “! 
    Their compass clearly needing alignment (my god do they drive like this?) – 
    Must make sure that shit is correct!  I am trying to move freely goddamnit! 
    “I gotta circumnavigate stone agony”! …  “Becomes imperative “!! 
    Perhaps I’ll be clogged by a stroller 
    “Nightmare in perpetuity “! 
    A Yammerer on the phone AND a stroller- 
    “You know they’re out to torture”!!

    Then there are the odd times in which I need to be schooled – 
    One time I was loudly griping about a construction obstruction (it is all over and everywhere) and a yob kinda bloke said ” its NY – Stop complaining”…  
    I readily complied. 
    Another time I was wading through a crowd announcing, “I know my babies ain’t shy” whereof a charming lass turned to me and demurred “How do you know I’m not shy?”  
    I fluttered – gurgled some kind of non-sequitur before feathering and loping off. 
    Well perhaps I’m not a confrontational sort but there you have it 
    just trying…trying to move along.

    New York City Poems

    By Mary Durocher
     

    Chelsea Hotel #2 

    A sparrow perches on the subway platform at 36th Ave. I’m alone and waiting for the W train. I can’t keep track of each fallen sparrow. Leonard Cohen wrote that, not you. Wait, no, it’s, I can’t keep track of each fallen robin. The song is about Janis Joplin. In an interview Cohen said he regretted revealing that Joplin was his muse. Mostly because of the song’s reference to her giving him head on the hotel bed. I think being a dead robin is worse.  

    The sparrow darts off into November’s bleak sky. I can’t keep track of each fallen sparrow. I watch its silhouette shrink and I remember the crows that circled Mt. Haystack’s peak when we went in June. I was Joplin and you were Cohen. I teased you by loudly labeling the crows as an omen. You stared in awe at their formation. I was always too expressive, with my feather boa and unruly locks. You were always too silent, consumed by your meditations.  

    I don’t know why I envision this. You and I were not notorious lovers. A piss-scented subway platform is not the peak of a mountain. Riding the W train is not being with you. A sparrow is not a robin. Neither of these birds are Janis Joplin.  

    Naivety 

    The seer of the Lower East Side 
    sways on a corner, 
     
    crying to New York’s 
    electric eternity.  
     
    Her mascara drips  
    and cakes into her skin, 
     
    black stockings snagged,  
    her party dress swirls 
    in the rotten breeze. 
     
    Swarms of men, 
    fresh from their glass houses, 
    pass her unholy pulpit, 
     
    breath hot and sharp 
    their taunts burst at her feet. 
     
    She and I are not similar. 
     
    I am an adolescent, 
    a blurred outline. 
     
    She is ablaze and immune, 
    a myth with a chipped tooth. 
     
    When the visionary sees me 
    she grabs my hands.  
     
    Angelic, angelic, angelic.  
     
    I yank away.  
     
    I reject her now. 
    I reject her still. 
     
    Her shadow is following me 
    down Orchard Street.  
     
    It darts across 
    walls,
     

    wounded in fury

    at my inability to see.