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  • For Love of Stalin

    As a child, the teachers in primary school taught us the slogan, “as Children of the Revolution, Stalin loves and protects us.” We all repeated it every morning after the national anthem.

    Before that, as a toddler, I had stopped speaking gibberish and began to pronounce words. My father sat at the dinner table in our home wearing his overalls. He worked as a carpenter and drank straight out of a more-than-half-empty bottle of vodka.

    “Stop Stalin dead,” I said.

    “I heard that!” he said.

    I felt a sting on my head. The next thing I can remember, I hung upside down in the chicken coop by a rope tied by my feet in the cold.

    “Daddy!” I said.

    He stood there for what seemed forever while steel wire held me suspended in the air. He left and came back with a cup of probably vodka. After I stopped crying, he untied my legs, and took me down.

    “To denounce the Great Leader is a horrible crime and must be punished,” he said.

    I believed him from that day on. I felt grateful for my father teaching me lessons that way. Whenever he searched for reasons to discipline me, he often found them. My childhood hardened me, toughened me up for what I would eventually do.

    I knew Stalin personally although I never met him in person. His image adorned everyone’s wall. His eyes peered into the soul. Everyone knew and loved him. All the prominent newscasters on the radio and newspapers told us of the wonderful things he did. He enjoyed smoking tobacco and drinking like me. I always imagined him having a glass full of vodka and a smoke with me as I gazed at his picture in front of my dining room table. Stalin’s genius guided the progress of our Great Nation.

    When I first learned from the newspaper, the Pravda, that sinister forces plotted against our Glorious Leader, I felt sick to my stomach. What could I do to help? The need for decisive action started after the assassination of Sergey Kirov, Stalin’s dear friend, by conspirators in high ranks of the government. I also read about the job opportunities in the interrogation department of the People’s Commissariat for Internal Affairs, known by the acronym, NKVD. This agency protected the Revolution from spies and saboteurs. I submitted my application and got hired in a day. My new career choice pleased me because I hated my job as a custodian at the health clinic. They ignored my criminal record of assaulting a man while I was drunk outside a bar—I probably should have put it on my resume. I got the opportunity to protect the Revolution in the exciting counter-espionage field.

    The man who previously filled my position, Dimitri Malenkov, went missing along with most of the “Old Guard” NKVD personnel. These people were all associated with the conspirators who killed Kirov. The rest of them confessed to espionage and high treason. They all died, even that pornography obsessed Yagoda, the previous head of the agency. The old boss confessed to charges of treason and murder publicly in the “Trial of Twenty-One” along with twenty other counterrevolutionaries. The Soviet Supreme Court ordered them to be shot like rabid dogs. His replacement as chief, comrade Nikolai Yezhov, searched his old boss’s house and found thousands of nude photos of women. I listened to the trial on the radio when the Ministry of Information broadcast it to the whole country. These proceedings served as a shining example of the Soviet justice system that I felt glad to be a part of.

    I worked in the Lubyanka, a trapezoid-shaped building built around courtyards with thick green walls and deep cellars. It was once the headquarters of the All-Russia Insurance Company before the Revolution. Columns and arches decorated the exterior around each window. Parquet floors with rectangular designs came under my boots when I went through the main entrance each day. This building of bourgeois origin’s ceilings had decorative murals of nymphs playing and dancing on the edge of a forest. Administrative offices on the floors above the basement provided the space for all the employees doing the paperwork.

    The basement depths held a labyrinthian expanse of cells. Its thick cement walls stifled the groans and cries of our interrogated prisoners. No natural light penetrated here. The halls reeked of disinfectant and the rooms were overheated. A strong lamp with the switch outside the cell lit up the prisoner’s enclosure above a small table for questioning. Prisoners subsisted on black bread that was stored in a small pantry on the first floor.

    A spiral staircase connected to a cellar for us to put a revolver to the back of the neck of the executed. The chamber had a heat lamp and a desk at the center and a blue tarpaulin floor. It was the chief source of the smell of disinfectant since the place needed to be cleaned after every use. Custodians would come and wipe the floors with mops.  

    Throughout my tenure as an employee there, we always followed a strict protocol. A troika of officers in the field would decide the charges the soon-to-be prisoners faced. Once at the Lubyanka, they were seen by an inspector in the reception area and documented, fingerprinted, and then cavity searched. We dragged them down the stairs in their underwear and put them in a cell.  My coworkers and I would interrogate them until they gave up and confessed. In the rare case they would not give up, the prisoners would be brought down deeper on the quiet floor where the guards talked to each other with clicks of the tongue and sent back up to us at least once a day. This way, the rooms of our floor were always full of new prisoners. They signed a white paper listing their charges to make their confessions official. Sometimes the note got red with blood. After these procedures, a judge reviewed their cases to determine the best course of action to deal with them.

    It took me only a few interrogations to recognize the innocence of most of the prisoners. Kicking someone on the floor or punching a man in the face did not always bring the truth out of them. The lucky ones went to the Gulag while the rest died by execution. I noticed, as time went by, more and more people came through inspection and into the cellars. My work hours increased from fifty to a hundred hours a week. Our job became more demanding since we now needed a staggering twenty people to confess per shift to meet our quotas.

    What could justify this grand commitment? Think of cancer. To treat cancer, a doctor may have to amputate an arm or a leg. Espionage and other crimes against the state were like a malignant tumor. If the doctor did nothing, the diseased tissue would spread through the body and kill the patient. We acted as the doctors treating the body of the Soviet Union. We may remove more tissue than what was afflicted by killing extra people, but how else can we be sure to rid the Soviet Union of the infection? We, as the Children of the Revolution, had a sworn duty to ensure Stalin’s vision of a new Socialist Utopia came true. 

    Those sinister forces existed everywhere. I read about them every day in the Pravda before I left for work. The newspaper dedicated at least a page to report on spies and saboteurs.  It provided countless editorials praising our heroic work in thwarting the anti-revolutionary forces.

    I showed up to the warm Lubyanka basement early for work that Moscow winter morning. I had just finished drinking a few mouthfuls of vodka from my flask to loosen myself up for a long day’s work. I brought a small container for a single shift or, in this case, three for the double I worked that day. The breakroom’s pale-yellow walls, wooden floor, large dining room table with glasses, and sink provided us NKVD agents with a place to take a break from our stressful jobs to drink vodka with our cigarettes and socialize. The room’s old-fashioned ornamental light with stained red glass hung over me. I wished the department supplied us with liquor. We all had to bring our own. Just about everyone drank in the breakroom. The cloud of tobacco smoke in the air that accumulated at the end of the morning shift often muddled my view of the white ornate ceiling and dimmed the light.

    Sometimes, the monotony got to me. An endless supply of prisoners needed our persuasion to confess. I divided the prisoners into two groups: the cooperators and the defiant ones. Sure, I might run into those cooperators that sign the white sheet the minute they see the dark green Lubyanka basement most of the time. However, the defiant ones who refused to confess unless you bludgeoned them with your fists came at least once a shift. They might even spit or bleed on my dry-cleaned uniform. Both types had one thing in common: they all signed the confession slip.

    I put my flask back in my uniform jacket and waited for my partner, Lavrentiy Ivanov. He always came in right on time. He worked longer hours than I did and rarely ever imbibed. I never saw him drunk. He tirelessly beat and questioned prisoners with an incredible fanatical devotion. Whenever I needed a break to relax and lighten the mood in the breakroom, he wanted to interrogate another prisoner. Whatever the situation, I could always light up a Troika cigarette and take a sip of vodka on the job, so I did not care. The day went faster after I drank a pint.

    I watched the grandfather clock strike eight in the morning in the breakroom. Lavrentiy came in as he always did. He walked right in front of where I sat.

    “Ready for another hard day’s work, Igor?” he said.

    “I sure am.”

    “Ok, we’ve got to see twenty prisoners from cell block A this shift. Our jobs are important, try not to get in a stupor this afternoon.”

    We got to the first ten prisoners one by one, all cooperators, and made quick progress on the quota that morning. I wanted to go to the breakroom to see the rest of the guys, but I knew Lavrentiy had his heart so set on a promotion to lieutenant that he would have us interrogate every last inhabitant of the Soviet Union on our shift if he could. We visited the eleventh prisoner in his cell. The man wore blue overalls. He had the look of fear in his eyes as he sat across the table.

    “I’ll sign anything you want. I’ve heard about this place,” The prisoner said.

    “You, Dimitri, confess fully to the charges of attempted sabotage? Put your signature here,” Lavrentiy said and pushed the slip to the prisoner. The condemned signed the document and gave it back.

    “We need the names of ten of your friends or acquaintances and any other details you can provide about them. Please write them here,” I said. 

    I passed him a sheet of paper and a pencil. He sat there scratching his head as he wrote them down and passed the paper back. Our prisoner wrote ten names in neat handwriting on the paper and circled the name, “Marien Balagula.”

    We had strict orders to get the names of at least ten other people from every prisoner. These unfortunate comrades or deserving criminals would get arrested the following day or even later the same day. If the incriminated person could not come up with these names, we would arrest all his or her neighbors. If an agent found an address book while searching their home with the required number of names in it, we had no need to interrogate them for it. If anyone worked as a spy or saboteur then, odds were, their closest friends did also. We had to be careful. Quotas had to be met.

    “Why is one circled?” I asked.

    “He will be difficult,” Dimitri said.

    “Why?” Lavrentiy said.

    “I grew up with him. He never started fights, but other kids would beat him up. He would usually lose but never gave up until he was knocked unconscious. You guys might have a hard time with him. After he broke someone’s nose, he gave up fighting completely. Marien used to be a fall-over drunk until our Stalin became leader. He told me he stopped because he wanted to better serve the Great Genius—to be a good, useful Communist,” Dimitri said.

    “We are grateful for your information but based on your crimes you will probably be sent to hard labor for ten years,” Lavrentiy said.

    “That is better than getting put in an unmarked grave, I guess,” Dimitri said.

    We left the cell and locked the door behind us.

    “Easy day,” Lavrentiy said.

    I took a long swallow from my third flask.

    “Yes, more like him and we will fill up all the Gulags and run out of bullets,” I said.

    I remembered the morning clearly, but that afternoon my memory got fragmented. I recollect talking to a prisoner about the whereabouts of a probable spy ring—but forgot the topic of the conversation in mid-sentence. My partner took over on my behalf and asked the person we questioned the name of the organization he talked about. He said he worked for the East India Company after I recall him telling us he had acted alone. We both knew he just made that up, so Lavrentiy knocked the desk over and kicked him square in the face. When prisoners lied to us, and they did frequently, my partner responded with violent rage. Although he never really cared when I did not tell the truth to him about how much I drank anytime he asked. The proceeds of the rest of the interrogation remain a mystery to me.

    A great deal of time passed during which I have no recollection. I regained cognizance as we walked the halls towards the next prisoner’s cell. As we paced the halls, I took a drink and Lavrentiy gave me a bad look.

    “You usually knock the prisoner to the floor when you punch them in the face. You did not do that in the last interrogation,” he said.

    “It’s nothing,” I said.

    “Do you love Stalin?”

    “Of course.”

    “Show him that you do—stop getting so drunk on the job. More than half this department is inebriated by noon.”

    The next moment I can recall, a prisoner’s hand lay extended in front of me on the table. I grabbed it and stuck my lit cigarette into it.  The prisoner cringed and tried to pull his hand back.

    “Igor—Igor—he is a cooperator Igor—he gave us everything we need,” Lavrentiy said.

    I let him go. Next thing I knew, we stood in front of a cell at the end of block C.

    “Prisoner number thirty-eight on our list, Marien Balagula. Charged with high treason, aiding the enemy, subterfuge, sabotage, and inciting a revolt. He will go to the cellar for sure,” Lavrentiy said.

    I ran out of vodka. My mind came back, and I usually remembered when I got to the last drop. Running out angered me. I wanted to make this prisoner suffer.

    We opened the door and sat down with Marien.

    “Stalin is with me, I won’t con—” our prisoner said.

    I got up and punched him from across the table. His chair flipped backwards, and he fell off it to the floor.

    “I’m sorry—you were speaking?” I asked.

    “Our Wise Leader will punish you for doing this to an innocent man,” Marien said. 

    Our prisoner stood up with his fist clenched.

    “He’s not going to help you, scumbag,” I said.

    “The Gardener of Human Happiness watches over all of us,” Marien said.

    “You are a traitor, charged with high treason. The reward for that is death. Give in and we’ll make it easy and painless,” I said.

    “This is just a terrible mistake; the Brilliant Genius of Humanity will fix everything,” Marien said. “You are the people betraying our Leader. You may be NKVD agents, but I am a truth teller—a vicar of Stalin—telling people about the wondrous things the Master Planner of Communism is doing! I let anyone know who will listen about the Savior of the Russian People. My neighbor, Vladimir, couldn’t read. He didn’t even have a radio—and I enlightened him about our Glorious Leader! Now he believes as the many I’ve shown do.”

    I threw another punch at Marien’s face. He grabbed my fist in mid-air, turned around to my side, and twisted me around the table in an armlock. I stood hunched over as he applied pressure on my hand. A stinging pain went up my appendage. I looked at the floor.

    “This is mine—come any closer and I’ll break it,” Marien said.

    Lavrentiy grabbed the prisoner’s hands and tore them off me. I regained control of my appendage. We threw Marien to the floor. Lavrentiy and I spent an exhausting half hour kicking him. This prisoner’s interrogation marked the first time in a while I ever broke a sweat beating a defiant one. I needed the exercise after all these easy interrogations, but both my legs throbbed after the encounter. My body had to stay strong to protect the Revolution and serve Stalin.

    “There is much more from where that came from—I promise you. Going to confess?” Lavrentiy said.

    Our prisoner lay there on the floor, motionless, and bleeding from the nose and mouth.

    “Not to these ridiculous charges or anything! You people don’t deserve to be State Security agents!” Marien said.

    We went to the break room. Geliy, an older interrogator, sat in an armchair smoking a cigarette and drinking a tumbler of what looked like whiskey.

    “Hey comrades! I never see you guys here,” Geliy said.

    “Probably because we are busy working.” Lavrentiy said.

    “Very funny—” Geliy said.

    “Is that what I think it is? English, Irish?” I said.

    “English; aged twenty years—cost me a lot of rubles on the black market. Want some?” Geliy said.

    He knew my next question. I not only wanted to taste it, I needed to drink to unsettle my nerves. 

    “Of course,” I said.

    He handed me the bottle. I poured myself a tumbler full of it and gulped it down. The whiskey tasted like sweet wood. I liked it, lit up a cigarette, and smoked with him.

    “That stuff is great,” I said.

    “We are here because we are having trouble with a strongly defiant one,” Lavrentiy said.

    “Oh, those. I like them. I can have a go at him,” Geliy said.

    “No! He’s ours! We are fully capable of getting him to confess,” Lavrentiy said.

    “Charges that would lead to execution?” Geliy said.

    “Yes,” I said.

    “Well, you could always sign the confession for him. They keep the slip but will not check its authenticity,” Geliy said.

    “That’s forgery. That is just wrong, and I am no criminal,” Lavrentiy said. “We should check the handbook on how to deal with this problem.”

    I grabbed the manual on top of the bookshelf next to me.

    “Get to the chapter on nonlethal alternatives to kicking and punching. Please read it aloud,” Lavrentiy said.

    Under the chapter 10 subsection xii heading, “Alternative Interrogation Methods” went as follows:

    If beating a prisoner fails to produce the desired results, it means the interrogator must try new methods of extracting the truth out of them. The first one to attempt is a mock execution. Devalue the prisoner and blindfold him or her. Bring him or her to a cold room and tell the captive that they will be shot if they move. They can be left blindfolded for hours without the personnel necessary to—

    “That’s it. We could do that and leave him in a cellar to get other confessions,” Lavrentiy said. 

    Executions never occurred anywhere except the kill room, but we got a large black blindfold, rifles, and a wooden wash bucket out of the supply cabinet and went to Marien’s cell. He sat there on the ground, twiddling his thumbs next to the chair in his underwear.

    “Have you come to release me?” Marien said.

    “No, you worthless piece of excrement. Fighting us is useless and you are not leaving here alive,” Lavrentiy said.

    “You are going to another room. Stand on the bucket, and if you move, we will shoot you,” I said.

    “Stalin will protect me,” Marien said.

    We brought him into a chilly concrete room near the staircase, tied a handkerchief around his head, and turned him to face the wall. I lit up a cigarette as both of us watched him stand.

    I finished smoking, and we sneaked out to interrogate other prisoners. We came back a half hour later to see our prisoner pacing back and forth with his blindfold off.

    “I knew I was not going to be executed. The Dear Father saved me,” Marien said.

    I took my partner aside. Both of us were frustrated and tired after the long day.

    “We had better ask the boss for the extension before we clock out,” I said.

     “He is unusually difficult,” Lavrentiy said. “I mean, there are people yelling at us and fighting us for days, but no one is foolish enough to believe Stalin protects them here. Even the people trying to fake their devotion to Stalin break down after the first day.”

    Lavrentiy filled out the paperwork and I went upstairs to get the approval on the interrogation’s extension. The clerk took it for processing. I went back down to get my jacket and smoke in the breakroom. In mid-cigarette, a young courier in a neat NKVD uniform came in and asked for my name and gave me a quick notice for indefinite approval. This happened often enough, but I noted the speed at which the request came back at us.

    ***                    

    We finished most of our rounds and stood in front of Marien’s steel-reinforced cell door. Lavrentiy kicked it to wake him up and we busted inside. Our prisoner sat in wait in the corner of the cell curled up. Lavrentiy held his hands up and put brass knuckles on each of his fingers.

    “It’s time to answer our questions,” I said.

    “There’s no need for any,” Marien said.

    “Sure there is,” I said.

    Lavrentiy got down and punched the prisoner in the face.

    “Tell us what Stalin’s birthday is,” I said.

    Marien had a nosebleed. He wiped the drips of blood coming onto his lip. He continued to sit there.

    “It’s the eighteenth of December 1878,” Marien said.

    My partner punched the prisoner again.

    “Correct, but do you know what time?” I asked.

    “No one does,” Marien said.

    I kicked the prisoner across the face with my boot. He lay across the floor.

    “What is Stalin’s favorite book?” I asked.

    “The Knight in Panther Skin by—” Marien said.

    Lavrentiy jumped on and put his knees on top of the prisoner’s shoulders. He decked him across the face.

    “By—by Shota Rustavel. Just one of them,” Marien said.

    “You are lying and not just about yourself but about your personal work with the capitalist spy ring,” I said.

    “No! No! No—I am not,” Marien said.

    “I am talking about the forces you conspired with,” I said.

    “You two think you are serving Stalin, the Leader of All Progressive Mankind, but you are not—instead, you are leading the Proletariat over a cliff,” Marien said.

    The prisoner spit out blood to his side.

    “I am keeping the Revolution alive and going until it can spread to Germany,” I said.

    “You are undermining justice in our Great Nation,” Marien said.

    “Give me a brass knuckle,” I said.

    Lavrentiy took the weapon off one of his hands and gave it to me. I took a deep breath and grabbed the prisoner by the neck. The piece of metal gave weight to my fist and helped me bring down havoc on Marien’s ribs and nose. My hands got red stains on the outsides of them. 

    *** 

    I saw the custodian walking around the hall with pincer pliers and a ball-pein hammer on his belt. I got the man’s attention.

    “I think we’re going to have to commandeer your tools, sir. A defiant prisoner awaits us,” I said.

    “This is not approved by the manual,” Lavrentiy said.

    “We should improvise. We could be inventing new methods and furthering the art of our occupations. Enough of the old grind,” I said.

    “Fine. Everything up until now has been ineffective,” Lavrentiy said.

    “How long?” the custodian said.

    “Just for a few hours,” I said. “And we need rope.”

    “There’s twine in the supply closet,” the custodian said.

    We took the materials we needed and put them in a shoebox. I could hear Marien humming the tune to the Internationale as we approached his cell. I kicked the door and we came in. Our prisoner sat in the interrogation chair in front of the table, waiting for us.

    “What hand do you write with, Marien?” I said.

    “My right…” Marien said. “What’s that?”

    “It’s a box of party favors,” I said.

    “Party?” Marien said.

    “Yes, and we’re all here to celebrate,” Lavrentiy said.

    “It’s the day Lenin passed away and Stalin took leadership of our Great Nation,” I said.

    “It’s already the twenty-fourth of January?” Marien said.

    “Yes,” I said.

    I opened the box and took the twine out.

    “Stay in the chair while I secure you,” I said.

    I tied the prisoner to the flimsy wood piece of furniture with the whole spool and put tight knots in the layers of twine without slack. Marien’s hands were free to be on the table.

    “We are only doing Stalin’s bidding,” I said.

    “You have the wrong man,” Marien said.

    “You are lying to us about what you think—about who you are,” Lavrentiy said.

    “I am Marien Balagula, a shoe factory worker. I stitch the soles to leather. I believe in the Dictatorship of the Proletariat led by Stalin. The Inspirer and Organizer of Victories is everywhere.”

    “Stalin is not here,” Lavrentiy said.

    “But he is transcendent,” Marien said.

    I removed the top off from the box and took out the pliers. They had curved ends to them and looked like a semi-circle when I opened them. Lavrentiy got the hammer.

    “Open up and don’t move or I’ll make this worse,” I said.

    “This is insanity,” Marien said.

    “This is the way things are, as Stalin willed it,” Lavrentiy said.

    My partner raised the hammer and hit Marien on his left hand against the desk. I heard a bang. The prisoner cringed and took back his arms away from the table.

    “Keep your left hand on the desk! Open up!” I said.

    Marien did not lower his jaw. I jammed the metal instrument in his mouth, I went for his front teeth, and pulled hard to yank them out. Our prisoner flinched and the tool slipped off.

    “Look at me. What is Louis Armstrong’s real name?” I asked.

    “I don’t kn—” Marien said.

    Lavrentiy delivered a blow to the center of Marien’s left hand with the round part of the hammer. Marien flailed his arm in pain.

    “Don’t move,” I said. “Let’s put him on the floor.”

    I hit him in the lips with the end of the pliers and broke a piece of his teeth off. I kicked him to the floor off the table. He sat on the chair across the ground.

    “The Dear Father knows what you are doing is wrong,” Marien said.

    “He is only aware of what he is told. He ordered us to do this,” Lavrentiy said.

    “This is all just a test,” Marien said.

    “Stalin pays me to do this. I love my job. Look at my Rolex. See how it shines,” Lavrentiy said.

    My partner pulled down his sleeve and showed the prisoner his watch.

    “The Great Genius works in mysterious ways that no one man can understand. He thinks hundreds of moves ahead at chess,” Marien said.

    “This is the end of this game,” I said. “Open up.”

    I jammed the pliers into Marien’s mouth and gripped his bottom front teeth with the pliers and put my foot on his head. I pulled with all my strength, up and down, until the two teeth were freed.

    “You won’t need these when you’re dead,” I said.

    “Stalin will punish you for what you do. He has a plan for me,” Marien said.

    Blood dripped onto the floor from the condemned one’s mouth. The way the prisoner lay, shaking in pain; it had a ghastly beauty with the way the shadows came in from the lamp, like a gory surrealist painting about a dream-like object.                                                 

    ***

    A few weeks went by and Marien got thin on the Lubyanka bread diet and continued to have an empty smile. Lavrentiy and I ran through the door to pay him a visit. The prisoner gave a grim look of desperation and futility across his face and greeted us with raised eyebrows and a deep frown. Marien crept up from the ground.

    “Not happy to see us?” I said.

    I lit up a cigarette and took out one of my flasks.

    “Want to have smoke or a drink with me?” I asked.

    “I don’t do that,” he said.

    “At any time you want, I’ll stop what we’re doing and give you a few shots,” I said. “It’s good grain vodka.”

    “That won’t be necessary,” Marien said.

    “Or maybe I’ll pour it down your throat,” I said.

    “He won’t like you if you don’t drink with him,” Lavrentiy said.

    Marien had no response and stared into the ground. 

    “Let’s see if your hand is still broken,” I said.

    I put the cigarette in my mouth. I grabbed Marien’s left index finger and pulled it backward. The prisoner let out a shrill scream.

    “Oh, it hasn’t healed yet,” I said.

    Marien looked away from me, turning his face. I put my foot behind the prisoner’s feet and pushed him on the ground. The condemned one fell, and I stepped over him. I shoved the lit end of my cigarette onto his cheek. The spear of tobacco bunched up and stopped smoking.  Our prisoner recoiled. I littered the ground with the butt. Lavrentiy came around and kicked Marien in the head.

    “Nothing really matters—there isn’t meaning to any of this. Give up already,” Lavrentiy said.

    “The Mastermind of Socialism will help move civilization past capitalism, if you would let him,” Marien said.

    “You are a blood sacrifice,” Lavrentiy said.

    “The Wise Man of Steel would never have me bring false witness against myself,” Marien said.

    “Stalin made an unfortunate mistake,” Lavrentiy said.

    “There are no coincidences, only the will of the Father of Nations,” Marien said.

    “Stop the suffering,” I said.

    “I have devotion to the one and true Premier of the Soviet Union. I am not your target,” Marien said.

    “You were brought in here by agents in the field,” Lavrentiy said.

    “I was apprehended with two other men while I was helping a blind man with his groceries from the store across from my house,” Marien said. “Three NKVD agents came to me, said my name, and threw me to the ground. They handcuffed me and brought me here without telling me why I was arrested.”

    “It’s senseless, isn’t it?” Lavrentiy said.

    “There’s a reason I’m here to meet you all,” Marien said. “The Grand Architect of Progress will let me go once I have proven myself. He sees all that we cannot.”

    “Stalin is just a man who hired us to kill you,” Lavrentiy said.

    “The Great Benefactor has a design for the world,” Marien said.

    ***

    One day on the way back from work one early morning, I walked past a banner of “Iron Felix” Dzerzhinsky hanging on the masonry above the subway stairs. The picture never really caught my eye until now. The man presided as head of the CHEKA, the organization that kept Soviet Russia intact during those early days of the Revolution. It eventually got replaced by the NKVD. What would he do?

    I drank in my living room later that night looking at my picture of Stalin. The exhausting and frustrating times during the day I had trying to get Marien to sign the slip affected me. I grew fond of him and looked forward to my time with him. Since he was a meek man of gentle persuasion, I regarded him as one of the unlucky ones, undeserving of his fate. He fit the definition of a good Communist. He never gave up and argued with us at every turn, but no one ever held up believing Stalin would save them. 

    I saw my hacksaw inside my utility closet behind my fishing gear.

    ***

    I showed up to work early the next morning with the cutting instrument in a knapsack. Lavrentiy had arrived there earlier than me and sat at the desk in the breakroom surrounded by papers. I stood next to him, drinking from my flask.

    “Marien has gained notoriety. Geliy and the others are talking to him outside of his cell. They are fascinated with him,” Lavrentiy said.

    “He’s unbreakable. We could just wait until he starves to death.”

    “That would be a betrayal of the justice system.” He gave me a half grin. “Worst of all, it would make us look bad to our superiors.”

    “I think we’ve had him here since the beginning of January and now it’s the seventeenth of February.”

    “We’ve had him for forty days.”

    “Every defiant one we’ve had gave up in, at most, three days. If three days is a lifetime then forty days is an eternity.”

    “It’s an embarrassment.”

    “I have a lot of respect for him.”

    “He’s the excess fat on a filet mignon that must be cut off.”

    “What are you doing?”

    “I’m looking for Marien’s arrest order.”

    “Good. I brought this in.” 

    I took out my hacksaw from the knapsack and put it on the table in front of him.

    “Nice touch, though I doubt it’s an official method.” He picked up a paper and stared into it. His eyes lit up. “Here it is. Arrest authorized by none other than Iosif Vissarionovich Djugashvili himself!” 

    Stalin was rumored to sometimes sign warrants, and the reasoning and circumstances around this habit drew foggy speculation.

    “If this doesn’t break him then the Great Leader cannot help him regrow his legs.”

    “We can use this. We need to stop the insulting remarks and show others we are capable. We’ve been trying to put him through enough pain to sign the paper but with no results.”

    He folded the arrest order and put it in his pocket. We got up and walked to the front of Marien’s cell.  

    “I’ll do the talking,” he said.

    We opened the door and entered to see our prisoner standing there smiling.

    “Hello, comrades Lavrentiy and Igor,” Marien said. He sniffled and probably smelled the vodka I took a sip of before coming in. “Igor, you should give your heart to Stalin—I hate to hear what Sosa is going to do to you two after he hears what you have done to me. He has great plans for me.”

    “We came to talk about that,” Lavrentiy said.

    We all sat down at the table.

    “What about it?” Marien said.

    “Well, we hate to tell you—Stalin signed your arrest order,” Lavrentiy said.

    “I do not believe it. You are just playing tricks on me,” Marien said.

    “Look at the order,” Lavrentiy said.

    Marien took the paper and saw it. “That is… his signature—you are not lying to me.” His eyes widened. “In fountain pen….” 

    The prisoner appeared devastated and took a deep breath. I could hear him failing to hold back sobs.

    “Will you sign the paper now, please? We are both getting exhausted from trying to get you to confess to your crimes,” Lavrentiy said.

    “We both worked long hours, Marien. I need to spend time with my family. We have other prisoners to interrogate. Think of what we have to go through,” I said.

    “If it is Stalin’s will that I die, then I accept. He must know I will be a spy in the future,” Marien said.

    Our prisoner signed the order. The man loved Stalin so much that he endured an aeon of torture and accepted his sentence only because our leader himself signed his arrest warrant. I, too, loved Stalin with all my heart but I could not imagine going through his situation and continuing to unconditionally feel the same way for the “Great Genius.” The tough lessons my father gave me came into my head. I never had these strange stirrings of emotion to my memory. I began to understand the prisoner and felt sorrow for his fate. Something like this could happen to me and our leader would not save me.

    We submitted the signed confession to the inspector upstairs knowing what fate the judge would issue for our prisoner. The courier came back to the breakroom in less than five minutes and handed me the execution order bearing the red stamp underneath the judge’s signature. This mark meant death. I drank a whole flask to hide any emotional display. Lavrentiy sat there across the table from me looking satisfied as if he single-handedly foiled a plot to kill Stalin.

    “You drank that fast. Come on, we must get Marien. He truly has been a tough safe to crack,” Lavrentiy said. “Can you do the honors?”

    “… I will.” By doing Marien in, I could make sure he died as painless a death as possible. Lavrentiy never wanted to get his uniform bloody.

    I went to the supply cabinet and got out my pistol. We opened the door to see Marien with his hands covering his face. 

    “Alright, it is your time. Walk with us,” Lavrentiy said.

    Our victim followed us down the cylindrical stairs with his head down into the kill room. Stalin did not seem like a god among mortal men. He signed the death warrant of a man who loved him more than life itself. I wondered how many people we condemned had similar situations. The whole nation worshipped him, and we did these things in his name. Those who did not carry the same harmonious tune eventually ended up here. Even those who chanted in key could have wound up here if they were unlucky enough. We were the leader’s attack dogs.

    My stomach started to hurt. My eyes watered. I tried in vain to choke back tears. I wiped the ones that ran down my cheek away with my hands before my partner could see. I opened my last flask of vodka and guzzled it all right there.

    “You done?” Lavrentiy said. “Let’s get this over with.”

    I pushed Marien over the desk as he faced the piece of furniture and cocked back the hammer on the revolver with my arm. The prisoner looked back at me with the corner of his eye.

    “Any last words?” I said. 

    “I die still a patriot! For Stalin!” Marien said.

    I aimed at the prisoner’s neck, pulled the trigger, and let my victim’s lifeless body fall to the floor. 

  • Inventory

    Inventory

    Patrol, jungle, ambush, monsoon. Done, thought Stevie, who now ate only cooked meals, showered daily, wore fresh fatigues, polished boots. Except for the tropic heat and menial work, life on the base was considered pleasant.

                “So, you the one they sent me,” said Worth. The sergeant bit down hard on the toothpick lodged in the right corner of his mouth. A brawny, heavy-set man with a permanent scowl, and prone to drink, he stared at Stevie, hands on hips. Apprised him up and down, as Stevie, in turn, surveyed the forest of shelves which lined the Quonset hut end to end, row upon row, stocked with uniforms, boots, canteens, all manner of gear.

                “Chaplin says we gotta inventory their personal effects. Send that shit home.”

    Worth pressed the tip of his pale tongue to the roof of his mouth, quickly drew it back, producing a slight clicking sound.

    “I hate this fuckin’ job,” he muttered. “Fuckin’ hate it.” He nodded dismissively at the green duffle bag which sat atop his gray metal desk. “Lennox. You know him?”

                “No,” said Stevie. “You?”

            The sergeant walked unsteadily to the desk, reached into the top drawer, pulled out a pair of shiny dog tags, dangled them in front of Stevie, watched as they fell and clattered noisily upon the smooth cement floor.

                “Lemme see…lemme see. Got his orders somewhere.” Worth’s thick white fingers

    plundered a drawer crammed with daily reports. “One of mine!” he shouted, waving the neatly typed page like a checkered flag. “Ain’t that a son of a bitch? Cocksucker’s one of mine!”

                Crumpling the page into his back pocket, with great deliberation, Worth lifted the engorged duffle off the desk, partially upended it, kicked and spread apart the myriad contents which fell to the floor.

                “Well, my oh, fuckin’ my,” he said. “Will you look at that. Jesus H Christ, this boy got enough shit, outfit a whole fuckin’ army!”

                When Stevie did not move, did not flinch, though his jaw muscles could be seen to clench tight, Worth narrowed his rheumy eyes, worked his pale tongue once more upon the roof of his mouth, momentarily looked sideways, and spit. Slowly turning his head, he fixed his gaze upon Stevie.

                “What’d you say your name was?”

                And Stevie said his name.

             “Well, what’s your fuckin’ job, Sammy? You drive truck? You cook? I ain’t never seen you before. No sir. I don’t believe we’ve met!”

    As the two men gazed upon each other Worth, at least twenty years Stevie’s senior, lowered his head, sniffled, retracted his upper lip to poke lightly at the small gaps between his large irregular teeth.

    “Now, Sammy. Stanley. Whatever the fuck your name is. What you been doing before you got here?” As if startled from a dream, Worth looked up; his upturned eyes tacking left to right. “Hey!” he exclaimed, “you wanna work in Supply?”

                Inside the sweltering hut, a rigid caterpillar of canvas stretched upon immense steel ribs, the alien structure resting heavily upon the dry red earth, his shrill laughter echoed loudly.

                He would frag him. That’s what he would do. What any good grunt would do. In his minds eye, Stevie went through the steps. He would find a bowl and fill it with diesel oil. He would take a frag, a grenade, and carefully pull the pin while holding the safety handle, “the spoon” tight. He would wrap a half-dozen elastic bands around the live grenade, around a thinly curved metal spoon, which rendered it safe. He would sit the frag in the bowl of diesel oil. Submerge the fucker. Stealthily, he would put the bowl with the live grenade beneath the sergeants bunk. Cover it with a plate to hide the acrid fumes. Five hours later the diesel would dissolve the rubber bands, BOOM. Stevie imagined the violent flames and wispy smoke, the spray of red mist, the quivering flesh. He would do that. Do it.

                Worth cleared his throat. “Boy, I’m talking to you. What kinda work you done all this time?”

                “Medic,” said Stevie.

                “No shit! You infantry?”

                A slight hesitation. “Yeah.”

             Worth bunched his lips forward, thoughtfully jutted his narrow chin, rumpled his brow. Priestlike, he raised his pointing hand toward the arched dome of the canvas roof, boldly shouted, “Well, Christ all fuckin’ mighty! As I live and fuckin’ breathe. Yes, sir! Yes, ma’m! What we got here is a grunt with gauze humping the boonies! Someone sick, shot, wounded, oh, they all fucked up, they call you, right? They call medic! Yes, sir! They call MEH-DIC!”

                The sergeant rolled his bloodshot eyes, spread his muscular arms, loudly repeated the heralding word, then stepped to the upended duffle and fervently kicked the green bag, stomped it, buckling the heavy fabric, which crumpled like a living thing.

                 “Well, give a look, Mr. Medic,” he said, catching his breath, eyeing the battered sack. “You take a look see. You tell old sarge what you got.”

             Stevie knelt at the canvas bag. He pulled from it a half dozen white towels, two pair of shined boots, six pair of socks, three unused poncho liners, four immaculate fatigue shirts and pants. A small red box tied with string. As he did this, from the corner of his eye he saw Worth pull the crumpled sheet from his back pocket and carefully scan its secrets.

                “Fuckin’ no good black bastard son of a bitch. Neeehgrow!” Worth shouted. “Says so right here! Right fuckin’ here!” He stabbed the rumpled page with his index finger, shook it roughly, steadied it with both hands.  “Neeehgrow!”

                Beads of sweat bloomed and clung to his reddening brow, trickled down either side of his brightening face. “Ain’t that a mothafuckin’ bitch?” In despair, he shook his head, causing large salty droplets to scatter between himself and Stevie. “Well, ain’t it?”

                In the eye of his mind, in the heat of the ambush, Stevie had sprinted, then crawled to the dying man. “Lieutenant,” he whispered, “Everyone loves you.”

                “You mean black,” said Stevie. His voice was not pleasant.

    Worth glared at him. “Don’t you gimme no lip,” he snarled. “This ain’t your fuckin’ jungle. This here is my world,” he said. His pale hand swept an unsteady arc across the hut’s

    dismal interior, proclaiming the row upon row of his power. “Yes, sir, he declared, “Mine,” and

    he worked his mouth to hawk spit, the enormous gob whizzing just past Stevie. “Don’t fuck with me, son,” he scowled.  “Don’t you do that.”

            Unafraid, Stevie retreated into the safety of himself.  Patrol. Jungle. Ambush. Monsoon. There’s a rhythm to it. We walk into them. They walk into us. We ambush them. They ambush us. Or they fire rockets, we call in artillery. Between kicking ass or getting our asses kicked, the tension starts small, builds and builds, until secretly grunts pray it will happen. Days, weeks go by. Then terror, instant and deep, then relief, like paradise, until BOOM, it starts all over again. Look at him. Look at this fat old man who spends his nights drunk, his days in the safety of dry good supplies. What does he know about war?     

                Stevie looked to his left, to his right, forcefully breathed in the stagnant air. Forcefully, let it out.

    “That’s better,” said Worth. He swept his hand through his hair, coated with the stench of rum and cigarettes. “Now, you take a look-see, Mr. Medic,” he said, jutting his chin to the small red box. “Yes, sir. That shit right there.” 

                Slowly, Stevie undid the frayed white string, carefully raised the lid, dipped his hand inside, fished out a shiny rectangle.

                “One Zippo,” he said, his voice barely audible.

            “Say it right,” bellowed Worth. “Say it loud and clear like you got a pair. One genuine made-in-fuckin-America cigarette lighter!”

          Blood crept into Stevie’s face. Warmed his cheeks. Hambleton. Hamilton. Everyone mixed it up. “Call me Soul Brother,” said the new man. On his first patrol, a soft fiery cloud

    lifted him up, tumbled his body, sheathed it in light, his face, his dumbstruck tumbling face, the saddest sight. Stevie managed to subdue himself, again dipped his hand into the box.

                “One US Army ID card,” he said. The sepia man in the one-inch photograph had stared directly into the camera, defying its mechanical logic; he seemed to choke back tears.

             “One official United States Armed Forces identification card,” roared Worth. “Tell it right, Mr. Medic. Goddamn it. Tell it right.” Worth closed his eyes, winged his right arm to his head, raked his forearm across his brow. “OK .OK. What else you got?” he panted, blinking away sweat.

                Once more, Stevie lowered his hand into the box, tenderly scooped up the angular object as if it were a rare butterfly, some delicate thing, which he obediently held forth in the palm of one hand.          

                “One lucky charm,” he muttered.

    On the twenty-third day of his tenth month in combat, the lieutenant had said to Stevie, “Stay behind. We’ll be right back.” And he winked and smiled. Stevie, one month to home, stayed back. Minutes later, a single ear-splitting shot rang out, the platoon returned hectic fire, killing her, loudly shouted for Stevie, shouted, and Stevie ran pell-mell, zig-zagged through the jungle, low crawled, beheld the officer who everyone loved, whose right hand clutched tight the stick figure, would not let it slip from his grasp. “Lieutenant,” he whispered…

                “Jesus H. Christ,” said Worth. “It’s a fuckin’ crucifix for Christ’s sake! Don’t you grunts know anything?

                Livid, Stevie plunged his hand into the box. As if it was poison, he held the object away

    from his body, pinching the strap between his thumb and index finger. “One wristwatch,” he said.

                A woman’s name was inscribed on the back. “Love you always,” it said.

                “One fuckin’ First Cavalry gold-plated commemorative wristwatch!” Worth howled. Wake up! Mr. Medic. Wake up!”

                “One…”

    Stevie unzipped the small leather pouch. Poked his finger into it. Shook his head and did not, could not and would not speak.

                “Well, what is it, Stanley? It’s HOT. Fuckin’ HOT! We ain’t got all fuckin’ day.”

            Overcome by the heat and the previous nights drink, Worth swayed, moved incautiously closer to Stevie, fumbled, snared the frizzy clump to his palm, proceeded to pinch, to prod it, coaxing the tangled fibers to partially un-mat. His eyes widened as he stared at the darkened thing. His mouth formed a widening oval, his eyes widened in lunatic glee.

                “ What we got here…What we got is… It’s a ball of cunt hair!” he roared. “Motherfuckin’ cunt hair!”

                Hurling the frizzy black knot to the floor, Worth stormed to the desk, removed the crumpled page from his back pocket, slapped it upon the desk, thwack, picked it up, ferociously pondered, screamed at Stevie,“Son-of-a-bitch! The black bastard was married! Says so right here!”

    Enough thought Stevie. One last time he stared at Worth with all his strength, mumbled indecent words, turned around and walked away. Upon opening the door, for several seconds the blazing sun shot past Stevie, trembling the air, illuminating every nook and cranny inside the hut.

    “Hey!” yelled Worth, his right hand shielding his face from the light. “Where the fuck you think you’re going? Hey, Mr. Medic! Who the fuck you think you are?”

  • Found Object

    Found Object

    There I was at the Chelsea Flea Market, rummaging through a box of paperbacks. Most of them were bad, of course, but then there was that one. Faux-leather, palm-sized. Grayish words stamped on the outside that once were yellow? orange? They said this: Leroi, Flesch & Co Insurance 55 Liberty St. New York, NY 10005. And on the first page, this: 1965 Diary with Special Insurance Data from Leroi, Flesch & Co. Below, a boy had written Robby’s, the letters wavering even though he’d printed them with care.

         And so for 50 cents I bought this boy’s diary. A flabby man wearing a T-shirt transparent with age named the price, took my money. Would have charged me a nickel if I hadn’t gasped when I opened it.

     

    Flip through and see what Robby drew.

         There are maps.

         Here is his neighborhood: green rectangles for lawns, squares topped with triangles for houses.

         Here is Paris, France. The Eiffel Tower rendered as a capital A. A furious scribble (we went here the Louvre museum). An arrow proudly points the way to our Hotel!

         Here is the Way to Witches Land. A thick, serpentine road. Beside a hairpin turn, Robbie has drawn a crossed-out car with a warning: witches want you to crash. After a forest of lollypop trees, another warning: No Trail Going to get lost.

         The boy has also drawn maps for New York, Nevada, Alaska. You come to the map he calls Robert’s Land on Thursday, June 24, 1965. There, a star inscribed in a circle indicates Robertville, the town capital.

        But every page is his geography.

    Robby Schwarz sits at the third desk in row 7, the last row. To his right is Susan C. (Susan H. sits in front of her). There are two blackboards and a wardrobe. The teacher is a stick figure with no mouth and three little loops for hair.

         Robby will have five classroom jobs in 1965: Leader, Wardrobe Monitor, Book Monitor, Out of the Room Monitor and TV Monitor. Underneath his classroom sketch is a typeset message from Leroi, Flesch & Co: Life Insurance rates are based on age. Buy now!

         With Robby’s diary in your hands, you are a time-traveler. You peer into the past, foretell the future. You know, for example, that Robbie will learn Spanish this year. You read the lists:

    la silla – chair 
    la papel – paper 
    el lapiz – pencil
    la maestra – teacher

    And the dialogues:

    Q: Do you have a dog?
    A: Si.
    Q: What is his name?
    A: Sellama Jespa.

         When school is almost out, on Sunday, May 16, 1965, Robby Schwarz will see the Twenty-Fourth Spring Concert at Queens College. He will copy into his diary the program: Berlioz Op. 2. Joseph Surace, Organ. Carl Eberl, Conductor. Polynesian Dances. Intermission. This year Robby will take violin lessons. He will learn all the musical notes. He will remember, when holding the instrument, to keep his thumb bent.

          But enough predictions about what will be.

          Flip through the diary backwards and you are in the past again: Robby has been to Trafalgar Square, Westminster Abbey, the Houses of Parliament. To Niagara Falls. To a Snowy Park Monument in Colorado. To Lhasa, Tibet, and Davos, Switzerland. Robby has also explored interior landscapes, illustrating the circuitry in his radio, the steering coils in his television set. Ah, the jittery itch of precocity! The insatiability of privilege, wild leapings from one page to the next!

         You imagine him traveling the world with his parents. You imagine him in hotel rooms, lonely, drawing in his diary.

         Close the diary. Listen closer now.

         Can you hear his mother?

         (“What a Picasso my Robbie is! A drawing of the England Garden!”)

         Can you hear Robbie?

          (“Looklooklook here look.”)

          (“What a pretty blue,” she goes on.)

          (“And this one here look look.”)

          (“Mm yes, I see.”)

          (“I can say them fast Plutoneptuneuranusjupitermarsearthmercuryvenus.”)

     

    Flip to July 16, 1965. There is the typeset message from Leroi, Flesch & Co: Augment Social Security benefits with Life Insurance! Above, Robbie has drawn the front page of the Robert Daily Chronicle. It looks like this:

    ROBERT SCHWARZ SR. DEAD

    Our beloved President Robert Schwarz Sr. died today at the age of 43 because of a heart attack. The doctors said it was a heart attack from strain. Our newly elected president will be Robert Schwarz Jr.

     By R. S. Junior.

         The creepiness is not lost on you. Did Robbie’s father die on July 16, 1965? Or was Robbie committing an act of imaginary patricide? So you flip through this boy’s diary one last time to get the whole scope of it, to take one last look at this Spanish-speaking, violin-playing, eight-year-old globe-trotter. Memories as they are recalled, histories as they are written, have a way of leaving things out, after all. Always, there is wishing and there is memory, but it is difficult to tell the difference.

  • Issue 07: Commitment

    In the introduction to Issue 07, Lisa Howorth ponders the Eleventh Commandment: thou shalt honor thy commitments.

    Blake Butler’s deadpan “Bloodworld” pairs a narrator’s private perversities with his dreary day to day agenda. 

    David McConnell’s “Huge,” which reads like a story by Schuyler or McCourt, tells of two musicians and how their unusual marriage turns even rockier after breast reduction surgery. 

    In “Ella,” Christopher Stoddard’s story about the sudden dissolution of a yuppie Manhattan couple, the protagonist can only accept her commitment to a relationship once she destroys it. 

    An astoundingly original modern rendering of folklore, Bruce Benderson’s “Pinnochio in Port Authority” inserts a children’s book character into the adult libidinal world. 

    In Steve Anwyll’s “And I’ll Call You a Liar,” a man’s commitment to his wife entails revenge upon a vulnerable victim.

    KGB Journal’s first visual art contributor Scott Neary revisits an Amsterdam encounter with James Baldwin in text and illustration. 

    “A Seppuku of Centerfolds,” Tom Cardamone’s ficto-memoir of an East Village gay porn collector, is a gothic tale of connoisseurship and entombment. 

    In Margaret Barnard’s “The Clam Shell,” the narrator describes the heartbreak and crushing banalities that always accompany the spiraling of a friendship.

    “Rough Plans to Go Wrong” by Gary Indiana concludes the issue, speaking candidly about the negativity that follows aging and commitment to a single place. 

  • Four Poems – Elaine Equi

    “T” AS IN TAUT

        for Tom Clark

    To hold the line steady

    through countless
    poem-years.

    Not a slacker,
    he taught us that –

    as one who truly 
    stands by his word

    when words
    seldom mean what
    they’re meant to.

     

    JITTERMAGNET

    Chaos amulet.

    Nervous soda —

    sipped like static
    through a straw.

     

    BLANK BAG

    I dream of losing
    my purse again.

    Have gone out
    without my personhood.

    Am just a penniless
    ghost again,

    unable to buy
    a return-ticket.

    The sales counter
    is the border
    of this country.

     

    EVERY REVERIE

    Stuffs the ears
    with cotton candy –

    unheard of
    sweetness

    that liquifies
    the brain first,
    then the body.

    Life as an amoeba
    was good.

    After that, too many
    worries — lost
    in a complex forest.

  • Issue 08: Music & Transformation

    Writing about music is not, as the overused quote of undetermined origin goes, like “dancing about architecture.” It is, however, like writing about a different kind of language. This language exists parallel to, but just outside of, whatever other language(s) you speak, and can shape your identity just as much if you let it. In Issue 08 five writers explore different ways in which music and the things we build around it can inform and transform us.

     Table of Contents

    “Etude #31” (excerpt, A Reading from the Book of Kelst), by Tobias Carroll

    On Soft Rock, by Rob Roensch

    At the Gates of Hell: Montreal, April 3, 2009, by J.B. Staniforth

    A Slow Train Bound for Glory, by Scott D. Elingburg

    Hard Tyme: A Hair Metal Haiku Story, by Ian King

  • Four Poems – Lisa Simmons

    Four Poems – Lisa Simmons

    The Towers 
     
    I
     
    When had you seen stillness of that measure before?  
    The shadow of the leaves, so distinct,
    etched onto the wall by sun.  
    When had you seen skies so blue?
    You had drawn them with finger paint in class
    but not without a requisite cloud; cloud as clue
    to what you were looking at, as blue so uninterrupted
    might be confused with the sea.
     
    II
     
    I rode the elevators of a tower with my father once,
    counting the seconds it took to reach his office,
    swallowing hard all the way so my ears would not pop. 
    On the deck gazing at everything,
    water, sun, clouds, and sky, 
    our apartment’s windows, the park, my school –
    all laid out before us and small.
    My feet and stomach tingled.
    I pretended to be a leaf.
     
    III
     
    She was a cousin on my father’s side,
    one of countless cousins I had not met.
    On time for work at the Windows on the World for once,
    her father told us ruefully, she was trying to turn over a new leaf.
    My father ten years dead then, would have known her,
    her smile and face, and not just  
    from the pictures in an album,
    or from the paper, a flyer, TV.
     
    IV
     
    Dust hovers down these sidewalks, shifts in the corners,
    in the crevices, of which there are more now –
    dust, the consistency of sugar and flour, pollen, sand. 
    Downtown rescuers search your face, waiting for the smile,
    the only tender for their works. 
     
    V
     
    We sat by my father’s bed in the intensive care unit
    and held his hand. He could not speak.
    My cousin called her mother that morning,
    sobbing as there was thick black smoke.
    All of us then, the hand clutched at the deathbed,
    calling God’s name in unison, that oath, that prayer.
     
     
    Forgetting
     
    You’ll want some story – a small tale – ears ringing.
    But this is a forgotten room without a door.
    No. There is a door but it shuts on every sentence,
    opens on a new room.
    Will you recall? 
     
    The scrap of sky in the corner,
    an inch you liked best,
    you have fixed at the edge of your mind.
    You let it go (gloves left on a subway seat),
    and now it’s tough to judge when the puzzle is complete,
    how to view that picture.
     
    Orange peels, firecrackers, windmills, bamboo.
    Pine, smoke, brine, lace.
    Seed, flame, water, wind.
    Pages in books, frozen notes, wallets in cabs –
    half past, forlorn, alone.
     
    Whisper of a pot, pressure steaming
    or whistling from the side.  Just before.
     
    Leave the door open, the keys have walked.
    Barefoot on asphalt, sand, grass, and snow.
     
     
    Winter animals
     
    I am the fox, you are the hunter. I am the deer, you are the bear.
     
    Deer cross highways.
    No hunters yet.
    We wait for snow,
    summer barely gone.
    Mute animals stop then leave.
    When will hibernation be set?
     
    Their only shields–
    a beauty to stun,
    a stillness to startle,
    speed to help hide.
    Wild, yet meek. Raise mercy.
     
    I am the deer, you are the wolf. You are the fox, I am the hunter.
     
    How does the deer get lured?
    By appetite, like the bear?
    Reunions to come before hunger sated.
    We are the hunter, the bear, the deer, the wolf, the fox.
    Mournful patience and a lonesome departure.
    The hunter sometimes is hunted.
     
     
    Regrets only
     
    People gathered as tightly as lemons, limes, and oranges
    piled into supermarket pyramids.
    This party could have altered
    the currents of your life but you are absent.
    An orange trips to the floor, rolls over to the bar, orders Dewars neat.
     
    What is the word of the tall, tan man you did not meet who surveyed the edges
    of the gathering, plumbed the depths the hostess would go
    to ensure that talk of the guests
    stepped lightly, kindly, measuredly,
    over the heirloom rug that did not deaden the elephant’s heels?
     
    You missed your former rival,
    the long-forgotten quarrel,
    the widening of years in your faces.
    A potential rival pulled on an ear, fingered a nose, smoked a log,
    curls of white curlicuing a halo
    of spite and good nature alternately.
    .
    What did you do instead?
    Flipped the channel, ate an unsatisfying meal,
    sat in an emergency room with a friend who collided with a taxi.
     
    Accidents are invitations to unmapped roads.
    They vanish once you pass.
    You sent no regrets.
  • Issue 09: The Poetry Issue

    With work by Elaine Equi, Katie Degentesh, Youssef Rakha, K. Eltinaé, Paula Bernett, Leah Umansky, Ace Boggess, Lynne Sachs, Olena Jennings, and Alex Dimitrov.

    – Ben Shields


    Four Poems by Elaine Equi

    Three Poems by Katie Degentesh

    Three Poems by Youssef Rakha (translated by Robin Moger)

    Five Poems by K. Eltinaé

    Five Poems by Paula Bernett

    Two Poems by Leah Umansky

    Five Poems by Ace Boggess

    Five Poems by Lynne Sachs, from her collection Year By Year Poems (Tender Buttons Press)

    Five Poems by Olena Jennings

    “My Secret,” a poem by Alex Dimitrov

  • Bloodworld

    We all go by the same name.

    Our name is Bill. 

    Each of our dads’ names was also Bill. 

    Our dads are dead. 

    I walk on the ground and sometimes think, I am walking on my dad. 

    I don’t remember what my mother’s name was. 

    We have a body, a van, a house, a bed, some rope, and a strong will.

    There are four of us. 

    My friends and I are full of blood and semen. 

    We see the world. 

     

     

    Our home is not far from the mall. 

    We go to the mall during the day a lot to walk around and look for what comes next. 

    We have needs. 

    The outside of the mall is white and screams in intense sunlight. 

    In the mall there are places you can get food.  

    I like beef and I like dough, though I try not to eat them. 

    I try not to eat anything. 

    Our van is also white. 

    There were windows on the van but we painted over them with white paint. 

    The windows are tinted. 

    I am Bill 1. 

    Bill 2 is my brother. 

    Twins. 

    We shared a bed for the first thirteen years of our lives. 

    Now Bill 2 sleeps in the bed my dad slept with our mom in before we killed them. 

    I sleep in the bed we used to share. 

    It’s nice to have so much room now to move my body around however I want. 

    I hate the dark.

    I can’t sleep with any lights on because I like to see my body. 

    I like to open my eyes and know exactly what is there. 

    The skin around my cock is shaved. 

    So are my armpits and my head and face. 

    I would shave my arms and legs but my friends would shit all over me about it. 

    Bill 2 looks better than me naked but I am smarter, which is why I always drive.

    Bill 3 is the kid who always lived across the street. 

    Now he lives with us. 

    His parents are dead, too.

    We helped him kill them. 

    They were older than our parents even. 

    They had a lot of money.

    Now we have a lot of money. 

    Bill 4 is our dog. 

    He just showed up one day at the front door of the house we share together and we let him in and fed him and he never left. 

    Bill 4 is ours. 

    I would kill anybody who tried to come and take Bill away.

    I would kill anybody. 

     

     

    Today is bright. 

    On days like now the mall gets so bright you can’t look at it. 

    You have to look at the air beside where you meant to be going and aim at that. 

    Even through the black glass on our car it’s hard to know where you are going. 

    I am wearing a white suit. 

    I bought the suit from Goodwill because I liked the way it fit me and I like how it seems to make me blend in wherever I am standing. 

    I also like how my big cock looks even bigger against the fabric.

    The pants are a youth size. 

    We always video the things we fuck. 

    I lift weights and work out a lot to keep my body looking good on camera. 

    I wouldn’t want to be a big fatass on the recordings with my lard all flapping onto the other bodies. 

    My physique helps me talk the women into doing what I want, not that I need them to want to do what I am going to do to them. 

    In the back of the van we have bats and guns and axes and rope and gags and ether and pills and cash and gags. 

    We have everything we could ever need right at our behest. 

    We are prepared. 

    We already know what we require to do what we will do, though often we don’t need any of it but our mouths. 

    Our eyes and mouths.

    Our eyes and bodies and hands and fingers and arms and ideas and our mouths. 

    I’m the one who mostly does all of the talking. 

    People like me. 

    Always have. 

    Even when I was a little boy I could finagle a woman into letting me do shit I wasn’t supposed to be doing like staying up well into hours I was supposed to be asleep or sitting on them or touching on them even though they weren’t my mother. 

    I’ve always eaten anything I want and always will.

    I’d rather die young without restrictions than old having always had to pay attention.

    Despite the light the air outside the mall is cold. 

    My skin reveals its ridges. 

     

     

    I like big girls.

    It’s their asses.

    Also, it’s something about the way they look from upside down, the way their voice elongates in a different way than those with less to give. 

    Bill 2 likes wives. 

    He always looks for something glinting on a woman’s finger. 

    Bill 2 was married once, which might have something to do with it, like he wants to take his feelings out on anyone who didn’t get cheated like he did. 

    Bill 2’s wife died in a fire. 

    He did not set the fire. 

    I can’t remember Bill 2’s dead wife’s name. 

    Bill 2 always calls her Dead Wife, then he laughs. 

    It brings me sadness.

    Knowing how much pain he’s in still, I mean. 

    What he has suffered. 

    Bill 3 likes fat girls also, but the young ones. 

    Usually we don’t let him have the young girls because they’re not very smart and that’s disgusting to both me and my twin brother. 

    Though sometimes if we can’t find anything else, we’ll give in and let him have his way. 

    Close your eyes and what you have is what you make it. 

    Bill 4 doesn’t get a say cause he’s a dog. 

    Not that Bill 4 doesn’t have his preferences. 

     

     

    The mall right now is nuts. 

    It’s the sort of season people go to stores just to be going. 

    It’s better than being outside. 

    The air in the mall is loud in such a general way it’s like there’s no sound.

    You can’t hear any certain sort of word in particular. 

    People are screaming.

    They don’t even know what. 

    They scream because they can without alarm. 

    No one responds to screaming in a world where pretty much everyone is always screaming. 

    There are so many faces you can look dead on into their eyes and know you’ll never see those eyes again. 

    It’s like a music. 

    It’s the world. 

    There are so many people you could begin most anywhere when you have ideas like I do. 

    But the point is to get exactly what you want. 

    We walk slow and close together. 

    We look almost like a wall.

    A human wall with three white faces and three cocks and six arms. 

    It’s slow going at the beginning today, despite how much flesh there is I feel desire for. 

    Everyone’s with someone else already.

    Mostly we look for those who’ve come alone. 

    Who had no one to come with or didn’t want to. 

    The human mind is full of holes.

    There are so many things to fill the holes with. 

    All the stores are full of shit that you can buy. 

    We go into a department store and browse the women’s perfumes, pretending to be looking for a gift for Bill 2’s wife. 

    His dead wife did like perfume and wore it often. 

    Bill 2 tells the saleswoman his dead wife likes Dior. 

    She liked to spray it on her thighs, he tells her, grinning, when she could still do that. 

    The lights inside the store are almost as bright as what’s outside. 

    The woman doesn’t seem to notice he’s saying anything out of the ordinary. 

    The other women’s bodies passing are all bundled up for the cold weather, obscuring their conditioning. 

    Sweaters press their breasts flat to their chests.

    Their skin is precious. 

    Their hands are attached to their arms, the arms to ribcages, to necks, to skulls. 

    Rings on their fingers, or not. 

    Watches, or not. 

    They all have their own memories and ideas of what they came to buy, how they got here, where they will go when they leave here, whether or not they make eye contact, for how long. 

    I try to ask a pretty girl if she knows where I could find the men’s room. 

    She pretends not to hear me.

    Her face is filled with bone. 

    Her ass is witchcraft through her stretchy pants walking away. 

    I think about following her but I don’t. 

    I’m always smiling. 

    I tell another passing girl I’d like to buy her a special gift.

    Any scent here on the glass tables, she can have it, no strings attached.

    The girl hesitates. 

    Her hair is black like mine would be when it grows out. 

    I’d just like you to remember me, I say, when you will spray this on your body.

    I see the blood flush up through the girl’s head.

    Bill 2 and Bill 3 are watching me talk now from over by where they keep the men’s scents, no expressions. 

    There are at least thirty mirrors in the room. 

    The girl keeps walking. 

    The floor beneath us both is gold. 

     

     

    We follow the girl for a while from a slight distance, just far behind enough that she must realize that we’re there. 

    The noise in the mall feels more distant now, having spent some time inside it, like it is swallowed in my flesh.

    Like I no longer have to hear it, because I am it. 

    The girl is never far away. 

    She has no idea what she is feet from. 

    I glare into the back of her head hard in such a way that were she to turn and look our eyes would lock on contact, open tunnels. 

    She never does. 

    Entering the food court, she disappears. 

    When we find her again, she’s with her husband. Or her boyfriend or her brother. Or some guy she’s asked to stand beside her on account of who we are. 

    The guy isn’t looking at us now, but she is. 

    Looking at us so hard it might break her little eyes.

    There are so many other people.

    I love being alive. 

    I love the feeling of seeing in my body beneath me and knowing there are parts of me I will never see unless reflected, which isn’t real. 

    I love the inside of my face, how the curvature that lines the point between my inside and my outside seems made of polished chrome, with a low blue glow coming off it to bask my innards around the edges like the coming of a sun. 

    I love the glass of the fronts of the stores in the mall that make as if they keep the air inside the store inside it and the air outside it out, who only from certain angles catch my image. 

    I love everybody. 

    I love hearing my skin grow. 

    My nails. 

    My new blood. 

    I love being inside a man’s body.

    I love feeling the meat between my legs knock up against my thighs when I walk, the balls there full of babies only waiting to be given places to be incubated, nourished, born. 

    I love the belt inside the escalator, the slatted eyes of every step. 

    I love to press my teeth together until they seem about to break. 

    I love how when I think its like someone is there inside me reading a book aloud. 

    I love how there is nothing in the mall I have to touch besides the ground. 

     

     

    I decide it’s time I had a haircut. 

    There’s this shitty little haircut spot at the mall. 

    I get the idea after seeing the one girl in there cutting hair, a tiny blonde, with a body that makes her seem older than her face seems.

    She reminds me of someone I saw on TV recently.

    I don’t know who that was, but I can see her in my brain captured as an image. 

    It’s like there’s two of every person in the world and here is one I recognize from somewhere else, and I can come near. 

    I can interact now. 

    Tongues and tits and all the layers. 

    I go in and say I would like a haircut. 

    I clearly do not need a haircut. 

    My scalp just shines. 

    The deskgirl is squat and ugly, a nose the size of someone’s fist. 

    I can hardly hold my hand down from reaching up and rubbing it, grinning. 

    The deskgirl tries to put me with a man. 

    There’s a man there waiting to cut hair who has no one and the girl is already in the midst. 

    The scissors look so large inside her hand holding the metal, bringing it around a person’s face. 

    I say I’d like to wait. 

    I say I’ve had this girl cut me before and her work was great, I’d like to have the same work done again. 

    The deskgirl asks my name. 

    I say my name is Bill 1. 

    The deskgirl writes the name down: Bill. 

    Her handwriting is sloppy, like a child’s. 

    It doesn’t even look like my name there written on the paper. 

    The deskgirl tells me, Thirty minutes. 

    She fakes a smile.  

    The world is ours. 

    I tell Bill 2 and Bill 3 to go and look out on their own awhile, keep their eyes open, cover more ground, see what comes. 

    I tell them I will find them wherever they end up. 

     

     

    I sit and wait and watch the girl work. 

    I hold a magazine open on my lap like I might read it but I don’t bother to look down. 

    Every few minutes I remember and I turn the page just for the fuck of it. 

    Every page looks exactly the same to me.

    The glossy paper feels nice on my palms. 

    The girl who is going to cut my hair doesn’t look over at me even once. 

    She doesn’t know I can already see straight through her clothes. 

    She doesn’t know what I have done to others like her.

    My mind is full of blood, just like her body. 

    She is chatty with the customer before me, an obese man wearing tan slacks and a white button up shirt. 

    His coat is folded over on the seat beside the barber chair. 

    The coat is red. 

    I touch my thumbs together and hear knives becoming sharpened in space between my eyes. 

    Dogs ripping apart sternums while being ripped apart by knives.

    Meat in my dresser drawers, no room remaining. 

    Beside the man’s coat there is a shopping bag from Macy’s. 

    The white of the font on the bag makes my heart beat in my head. 

    The want for wetness pounding through and through me. 

    I imagine the bag is full of lice. 

    The man’s body full of lice. 

    His brain.

    His lardy sternum. 

    His hidden throat. 

    The man watches the hairdresser in the mirror while she works on him, speaking to her reflection. 

    She plays along.

    I can tell she doesn’t mean to laugh when she is laughing. 

    I make a mental note to buy a red coat someday when I am old and fat and fucked.

    The man’s brown hair falls onto the floor around him, every inch I want to eat.  

    I wait watching the girl: her hands, her fingers, her throat, her pants, her lips.

    My brain is starving. 

    There have been no eternities before now. 

     

     

    Each time I close my eyes, it becomes night. 

    There is no world there beyond the edges of me. 

    Black elastics. 

    The hidden planets squeal. 

    I realize then that I am walking. 

    I am awake. 

    I look and see the sky above me framed with steel nails. 

    Black round heads of nails each small as tips of pointed fingers. 

    There are flowers in my pores. 

    Sponges in the bread of my body growing thicker, drier. 

    The air is covered up with zits. 

    Where I move into them the zits pop and I can breathe them. 

    It’s like a painting. 

    It expands. 

    It is buried in the sheen over the air of the room where I am sitting with the slitting sound inside my jaw. 

    I am speaking and can’t hear what I am saying. 

    I see a mirror. 

    I walk until I come upon a shore. 

    A beach unpeopled, kind of hissing. 

    The water is bodies.  

    The sand is chips. 

    A thousand eyes all at the same time. 

    There are so many worlds like cut on our world that no one wants. 

    Hours burnt down into colors. 

    Dreamless, ageless. 

    A language I did not design, scripts I didn’t mean to model, sexual desires. 

    The air is cake. 

    I walk on the sand until I am covered over in the bodies, one of the bodies. 

    I wade into their obesities, their cavities, their open mouths glued up with gravy. 

    Their ticking flesh together crushed. 

    Women and men. 

    I have known them all. 

    The sun above us never brighter. 

     

     

    I find Bill 2 and Bill 3 having lunch. 

    They’d gone back to the food court to find the first girl that we followed and got hungry, Bill 2 says. 

    His mouth is full of red lasagna sauce and dough. 

    There is a table of six elementary school aged girls ~5.5’ NW over Bill 2’s right shoulder, from my perspective, dressed alike. 

    Each child will in time age to reach the age I am right now, though by then I will be much older, and they will keep aging past that immediately, unless they die. 

    What happened with the haircut baby, Bill 2 asks. 

    His voice is high. 

    I tell him I can’t remember.

    I honestly can’t remember, though I can see it in my mind. 

    I know her hands holding the scissors had orbited my mouth. 

    I know there is more sand inside my sternum than had previously been there. 

    Glass waves, a muzzle. 

    A dais beneath the sand. 

    What happened with you? I say.

    I hear me say it. 

    I feel the words become absorbed. 

    Bill 2 is saying something. 

    Bill 3 is saying something. 

    I am Bill 1. 

    I am alive. 

    There will be clearer times.

    There will be new days.

    Just not right now.

     

     

    Back out in the van, we sit in silence. 

    Every other car we see is also white. 

    We are waiting. 

    The pavement is white, the shrubberies are white and shining, the smoke that comes out of our mouths, the exhaust on the horizon, the glass refracting, all white as nothing. 

    The grid on the pavement looks like someone slit the earth. 

    Bill 3 is in the back of the van playing with the restraints, pretending to hang himself. 

    None of us know what we are waiting for though we know we’ll know it when it comes. 

    The clock in the van’s dash is broken. 

    It always reads 88:88. 

    That’s like four infinities. 

    They won’t stop blinking.

     

  • Excerpt from Off the Yoga Mat

    Excerpt from OFF THE YOGA MAT © by Cheryl J. Fish

    Forthcoming from Livingston Press/University of West Alabama, pub date Oct. 20, 2022

    January, 1999

    Chapter One “Inflexible”

    Nate

    “When others achieve success, how does that diminish you?” Nathaniel Dart didn’t care to consider this question from a talk-radio host. He was about to leave the apartment with a spasm in his back. His friend Gil, and his girlfriend Nora, had finally convinced him to take a trial yoga class in a studio a few blocks away. As he walked down Second Avenue with a slight shuffle, twinges running upward from his ass, the success of others gnawed away at him. A cash bonus Nora received at the end-of-the-year—she deserved the money for a job well done—but he hadn’t grabbed her around the waist or smiled in a swell of support. Nor had he taken her out to celebrate. And when Gil won a lottery for affordable housing nearby which meant more space and rent stabilization, of course Gil had the gall to rub it in his face, mentioning Nate’s dark studio apartment with moths burrowing in the closet. Nate had no choice but to resent him. One other victory throbbed against his bony vertebrate.  

    His old study-group mate Monica Portman landed a teaching job in Boston, a position that Nate should have applied for, could have applied for, if only he’d finished his thesis. He struggled to accept Ralph Waldo Emerson’s credo that “envy is ignorance.”

    He stopped suddenly on his walk to watch dumpster divers pick through garbage bins outside the supermarket. They’d cook what was still edible, and someone shouted through a megaphone about the futility of waste in New York City. Determined to find freshness in what had been declared foul, the freegans sorted through packages past expiration dates, found perfectly decent bags of bagels and cookies and cut-up carrots. He heard them complain about tossing food with hungry and homeless folks everywhere. Nate felt disgusted by the vast inequalities in society; they mattered more than revising his thesis on jealousy as an evolutionary trait in humans.

    Nate’s research combined a trifecta of disciplines: science, literature, psychology. It sounded loopy when he claimed the existence of a jealousy hormone. Not only did it benefit species studied by Charles Darwin, like those blue-footed boobies on Galapagos, but Homo sapiens as well. Envious rage might motivate men and women to loosen their desire for control. The result could turn out for the better. Yet jealousy was no walk in the park—it caused primitive rage and destruction which Nate witnessed everywhere. In his thesis, he proved his point by examining jealous characters in Shakespeare’s Othello and King Lear.

    How does their success diminish me? He wished he could put that thought out of his mind. Nate spent countless hours in his swivel chair; one could say he lived where he sat.

    In the yoga class, a tingling numbness ran down his legs, pain and trembling too. He stood in a darkish room with a yoga teacher asking them to bend from their core towards the floor. He couldn’t reach past his knees, his whole upper body as stiff at age 39 as if he were 50-something. I am not a yoga guy, he thought—I have more in common with the freegans. I should have never set foot in this dusty old hovel. He felt others staring at him.

    Nate contemplated his future on all fours doing cow and cat, rounding his back like a feline, or should he flatten it like a bovine? Who named these postures? The students stood in unison, placing a bent leg along their thigh for tree pose. He grabbed a beam.

    “Focus on one point on the wall,” said the teacher, a strikingly fit woman named Lulu Betancourt, who welcomed them warmly and insisted they obey their own bodies. “Take a three-part breath and be mindful. Let air seep out like a leaky balloon.”

    Nate smirked. He visualized a giant balloon emptying with farting sounds. He filled his lungs then exhaled as told. Relaxation could wash over him.

    She soon introduced them to the series “salute to the sun.” A set of flowing movements that started with standing, progressed to rolling to the floor, then rising into the cobra and plank positions with a rhythmic grace, ending with an upward curl, palms pressed together in gratitude. A subtle choreography he punctured with jerking motions. If Nate could reach an inch nearer to his toes and roll down without collapsing, he felt like he would celebrate. His version might be called parody, not salute. He was determined to modify his moves, like the barnacles, finches and beetles Darwin observed.

    “Melt into the earth with a rushing sensation, rain drenching fields,” Lulu said in a soft yet determined voice. She leaned against the wall, bowed her head.

    Nate tried to experience rain. Instead, he thought about money. He benefitted neither from the loopholes in capitalism that let the richest prosper, nor from a critique of its corruption. I am an academic serf living on rice and beans, he thought, and no one could care less. He was deep in debt from loans. He should apply for another fellowship or take an adjunct position at a City University campus. He wondered about the job referred to by his advisor Offendorf in his recent nasty note. Offendorf had scribbled dismissive comments on the pages it took Nate many months to write, and even more months to find the courage to mail to the university down in Maryland, with Nora’s goading. Offendorf had the nerve to reply:

    WAY TOO MUCH time spent on Darwin. It may be trendy to consider evolutionary theory, but I don’t care for that approach. Take out feminism and limit psychoanalysis. You’ve inserted too many footnotes. Let’s put this baby to bed. When are you coming to campus? Bring the revision−we’ll talk defense date. Oh, and I might know of a teaching position.”

    As Nate considered whether the job was real or just another one of Oppendorf’s bluffs, he was instructed to twist his torso, knee cutting across his folded leg. That evoked the twists and turns of Nora’s desire.

    “Let’s conceive a millennial child,” she said. Nineteen-ninety-nine high stepped like a marching band through her ovaries. Fear of her upcoming, their upcoming, fortieth birthdays felt like annihilation.

    “Nora. I can’t give you a baby now.”

    “I knew you’d say that,” Nora said. “There’s never going to be a perfect time.”

     “I’m not in the position to be a dad.”

    “You’d be very loving.” She stroked his hand. “My salary can tide us over.”

    His inability to care for a child felt like a character deficiency. He must finish his degree before procreating, not focus on the milestone of age forty. When his mom visited from Long Island the other day, she slipped him a wad of cash.

     “Don’t say anything to your father.”

    “You don’t have to keep doing this,” he said, feeling sheepish and small. 

    **

    Nate’s spine cracked. Lulu headed over to his side during dandasana, a forward bend that segued into a seated wide-angle pose. She crouched. “Breathe into your stretch.” He noticed a beady-eyed frog tattoo near her shoulder—green and black, sinister. Lulu smelled of rose-oil.

    “What’s wrong?” she whispered.

    “I can’t concentrate.” What made her want to ink a frog into her skin?

    “Observe your thoughts. They’ll dissipate.” She touched his head. “Probably.”

    How should he respond to Offendorf’s reign of terror? Say “I need Darwin like Shakespeare needed Holinshed’s Chronicles of England, Scotland, and Ireland,” the source material for some of the Bard’s plays?

    While Nate rested in child’s pose, head on mat, arms and legs compressed like a floating fetus, a surge of energy ran from the tips of his toes into his calves. So, what if Offendorf demanded he cut one-third of all he had written? How did their success diminish his? Disappointments acquired territory. One negative experience attracted others, expanding into new fiefdoms.

    His old study group mate Monica Portman applied for everything. “I invented personal literary criticism,” she said, convinced of her pioneering role. Wasn’t she coming to town? As Nate struggled to pick himself off the floor for the next posture, it occurred to him: send her the very same pages Offendorf trashed and ask for a second opinion. Monica’s instincts resembled a baby sea turtle’s—born in sand, hurdling towards the ocean. He should trust her to guide him to safety.

    Then yogi Lulu announced to the room “return to downward-facing dog.” He bent over, and placing his hands flat, stuck his butt in the air.