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  • Not Giving Up on Julian Assange

    Not Giving Up on Julian Assange

    Assange
    Julian Assange

    Somewhere in the sunny uplands of Merry Olde England – where multicolored unicorns are always promised but never delivered – one man chases another across emerald hills. They resemble each other, at least superficially: both white, middle-aged, of reasonable height, full heads of hair. One is racing ahead while the other huffs and puffs and chuffs behind, immensely pleased with himself for keeping up. One gets to the hilltops first but upon close inspection, has the look of a defiant, hunted man. Still, he is free, even if harassed across the international landscape by his double, his opposite, who believes in nothing.

    The two men grew up under somewhat similar circumstances (unstable family, endless movement, an invisible or distant father) but there the similarities end: one is the young man who lived by his wits and changed the world, while the other is the American-born, part Turkish insider who has never met an individual or idea he couldn’t betray. He hoisted himself on lies, knowing that power isn’t secured by truth but by the brutal gesture. The other wanted that evanescent thing called truth and he wanted to build a library that housed the truth, something apart from our vanishing blogs and urls. Our rulers, terrified by the liberties the web had unleashed, took notice.

    One sits in a cell, the other is trapped in the Prime Minister’s office. One is fighting for freedom, for his life, while the other must be bored to bits with all the ceremonies, the weekly humiliation he must endure in Parliament and the eager acolytes desperate to replace his incompetent shambles of a government. Perhaps in his dreamtime the Prime Minister visits the solitary man in Belmarsh.

    Enough poetry, enough of fables. You know who I’m talking about, even there in America, so obsessed with its own demons it rarely notices the world. The two men are Boris Johnson, Prime Minister of Great Britain, and the other, his most famous prisoner, Julian Assange. 

    Assange is the phantom pursuing the world, yes, even those parts of the great world who don’t know his name. He is, in his own words, a wild colonial boy who took on the Great Powers and called their bluff by being, simultaneously, a muckraking journalist, better by seven leagues than the vast majority of his contemporaries, and the daring publisher of diplomatic cables and military atrocities. Not to mention his role as a gadfly who could make a terribly succinct explanation for the never-ending war in Afghanistan in less than 30 seconds. He didn’t deal in after-the-fact analysis but laid the raw meat of war crimes on the table asking, So what do you think of that?

    Our leaders are pissed and pray for distractions that will keep us looking the other way. They tried Sex Crimes on him, and that didn’t hold. Then the threat of extradition to the United States, and after he took refuge in a neutral embassy, minor bail violations. His arrest and punitive detainment have encouraged governments all over the world to do the same. The latest report from the Committee to Protect Journalists with the names of the disappeared is due shortly.  

    Assange’s phantom haunts English and European democrats and deputies, powerless to get him out. He engaged in correspondence with then-President François Hollande, which went nowhere. Just a few weeks ago the French Assembly united across parties to demand the country offer him asylum. So there is hope, but the chances of Global Prisoner No. 1 getting out of Belmarsh maximum security look thin. Authorities on one continent and an island have proven they are willing to destroy their own legal systems to keep him in jail indefinitely. American presidents no longer care for that bit in the Constitution about no laws restricting freedom of the press. Journalists at the New York Times, who published Assange’s’ revelations, leap over each other to write articles denouncing him.

    Governments around the world feel reasonably sure he’ll go back to his old trade. Not that anyone went to jail for what he revealed, that’s the striking thing. Apart from a few low-level convictions, everyone’s career has advanced nicely, in government, in journalism, in public esteem.

    Leaving off China and Turkey, supposedly the worst offenders – although, in the case of the tennis star Peng Shuai, China proved they can disappear anyone they like – there are plenty of examples to trouble the Anglo-Saxon conscience: Reality Winner, Daniel Hale, Edward Snowden. Former English ambassador and journalist Craig Murray just finished a four-month stint in jail in Scotland for the novel crime of ‘jigsaw identification.’ There are many others.  

    This cruel prosecution awaits a new Zola to focus the attention of the ruling class. Just as Emile Zola wrote J’Accuse in defense of Alfred Dreyfus in his famous letter to President Félix Faure in 1899, someone should write a 21st century version. There are similarities between the two men, Dreyfus condemned to Devil’s Island after a show trial, Assange remanded to Belmarsh on essentially, nothing. He currently endures a never-ending legal circus in London’s Royal Courts. The prosecutor always pulls another rabbit out.

    But who would that be, this new Zola? Our stars do not exactly distinguish themselves. If there were one, how would his or her appeal rise above the din from the welter of media platforms? By the 1890s Zola was a conservative, which made his defense of an obscure Jewish military officer all the more compelling. English Lords have been known to make a stand, but their current “defenses of the realm” are ineffectual, taking up matters of little interest outside Britain. The Home Secretary has meanwhile proposed new laws restricting the right to dissent. Not a single world leader has spoken out about the case while Ecuador infamously withdrew its offer of asylum after a change of regimes. (How that would go over here in France during the run-up to national elections in which candidates are vying to outdo each other in the Mean to Immigrants business.) A general strike or a sustained campaign of civil disobedience seems the only strategy that might have effect. There are certainly enough international committees of solidarity, all of them standing in the cold, taking photographs and tweeting like mad. We are rushing into the arms of a new tech-driven 1984. Call it 2034 if you like but engagement is still possible even now, as winter looms and we confront the uncertainty of another viral variant. If we give up on our political prisoners, we all take one step further into the cell.

     

  • Noise

    Noise

    Noise
     
    I look through the darkness but see nothing.
    Blackness lets my imagination erupt—
    multiplying…
     
    When a noise is heard,
    its power overwhelms me.
    Where is it coming from?
     
    Listening could become a habit.
    Difficult to break.
    I want quiet to surface in
    this night air.
     
    Resting my hands on my bed,
    rocking myself to sleep…
    I nestle within.
     
    Stalking
     
    If it were left to me,
    I would not recognize you.
    No matter that you are every place I go.
     
    You can’t follow me forever.
     
    It could be possible for you to notice someone else.
    Not at all like me.
    Perhaps sooner or later amnesia will take over.
    None of this matters.
     
    Your absence would be nice
    Back to peaceful days, sleep,
    without waking with all these words in my head or
    nightmares on a skewer burning…
  • My Secret

    My Secret

    Chelsea neon signI’m suddenly 
    one of those people 
    who goes out 
    to dinner alone. 
    The wind around 
    the Chelsea Piers 
    is warm tonight. 
    A dog on 10th Avenue 
    barks so loud 
    I can feel it, 
    clawing at 
    some part of me 
    refusing people 
    but okay with trees. 
    There are still so many 
    things I wouldn’t mind 
    forgetting. Like the mail 
    key I keep losing 
    or the plant 
    I almost bought 
    but knew I’d kill. 
    Everyone I love 
    is disappointed in me. 
    I don’t text or call 
    or ever make real plans. 
    I’m so sorry everybody! 
    I am truly trying 
    to run into you 
    so casually 
    and overdressed, 
    there’d be no shame 
    in our admitting 
    we are animals 
    and need each other. 
    No shame in how we’re 
    only terrible at life. 
    Especially because 
    (speaking for me) 
    I am sadder than 
    I look but happier 
    than all the dead. 
    And if you’ve seen 
    how small we are 
    in NASA’s photos, 
    it’s impossible to 
    think our happiness 
    is that important. 
    To order red 
    and not want 
    all of you to come 
    because it is.

  • Mother’s Onigiri

    mother’s onigiri

    Without warning my mother tells me, “I was orphaned at your age.” I look into her marble eyes, and they seem to be asking me if I understand: the pain. Do you feel the pain? Of course I do. I feel all the pain. I unlock my eyes from hers and look down at the table, in between us are stained, empty plates. Only moments ago, the plates were filled with food that we’d cooked in the small kitchen together, the apartment filling with the smell of salted salmon, fresh white rice, vegetable and tofu soup. They are all gone now—things are so fleeting.

    “She died when I was 29. Your age,” my mother continues. “Can you imagine losing me right now?” A tiny bomb sets off in my ribcage. Just a few nights ago, I had a dream that my mother was a stranger. She did not die, but it felt worse. The woman looked familiar, but I did not recognize her as my mother. I woke up terrified, the feeling of not having a mother lingering in my body for a moment before my consciousness reminded me that I had a mother still. Her marble eyes are still looking at me, into me, so I mutter a broken “no.” I cannot imagine her dying now. Or ever. “She died when I needed her the most,” she says. I do not know what to answer.

    There is so much space in my brain for memories with my grandmother. My brain contains none. My grandmother knew me for a little while—just for a few months before the cancer got to her brain. She held me, she fed me, she changed me, she sang to me, she bathed me, she rocked me. But I don’t remember.

    Lately, when people ask me what I am writing, I answer, “about my dead family.” I tell them, “It’s a way for me to bring them back to life. Or at least to remember them. I don’t have them anymore, so I need to write about them so they’re not gone.” It is an act of desperation. I have more family members who are dead than alive. I don’t know how to cope with that. I miss them—even the ones I never knew. Even the ones I never met.

    My mother and I move over to the kitchen to clean up and prepare our lunches for tomorrow. We both go into work a few times a week: my mother to her office job in midtown at her Japanese bank job; me to two different college campuses for adjunct teaching jobs. It’s strange to be preparing lunch again, after a year of just eating lunches at home. Before COVID, we’d make semi-elaborate bentos out of leftover dinner, but the rhythm is gone now and usually, we scrummage through the fridge for something edible to bring, or when we remember to, we make onigiri.

    I fill up the glass bowl with scoops of still-hot rice from the rice cooker and add in the onigiri mix. While I mix with a rice paddle, my mother washes the dishes. She glances over at me to say something. She is always saying something to me.

    “I used to hate the onigiri my mother made for me when I was young,” she says, the warm water running over her hands in the sink.

    “What, why?” I ask, still mixing.

    “All of the other girls’ moms would make these really small, neat triangular onigiri and pack the seaweed separately, but my mother would make these giant balls pre-wrapped with seaweed. They looked like black baseballs.”

    I can’t help but laugh. I can picture my mother in middle school sighing as the two big balls of rice covered in black stared back at her. I can see the girls sitting around her smiling politely but also widening their eyes a little at the intenseness of my grandmother’s onigiri.

    “I would give anything to have one of those now, though,” she says. I stop mixing and look at her. I look at her hands. My grandmother was younger than my mother is now when she died. Her hands were younger than my mother’s. I imagine my grandmother’s young hands cupping and shaping rice into balls for her children. I imagine that her movements were fast, just like my mother’s.

    “And you know why she wrapped every square inch with seaweed?” “Why?” I ask her, curious. “Her brother was a seaweed maker. Actually, our entire family was seaweed makers. It was in her blood. She loved seaweed, and she wanted to make sure we could taste the sun in every bite.” “The sun?” “How do you think they dried seaweed?”

    I nod in silence and continue to mix the rice. I do not cup them in my hands like my grandmother had done because I have an onigiri mold, and using a mold saves time and effort. I scoop some rice into the mold and press it with the top piece until it becomes a nice triangle and I pop it out of the mold. I make four onigiris in total—two for each of us. I then open the freezer to take out two sheets of seaweed. I roast them directly on the flame of the stove to get rid of the freezer taste. This is my favorite part: I like watching the sheets stiffen and take on a bluish hue. The smell reminds me of home, of my aunt’s house in Japan made of ancient wood. It was built by my great-grandparents, and my grandmother had moved into it as a young woman to marry my grandfather, despite the neighborhood gossip that my grandfather’s mother was the meanest woman around. My grandmother didn’t care—she was in love and full of hope.

    Much of my childhood was spent in this home, despite it not being my own. It had been passed onto my aunt, who married and had two children—my two older cousins. We’d have dinner there two, maybe even three times a week: my aunt, my uncle, my cousins, my mother, my sister, me at the table. The smell of old wood and tatami was constant and everywhere, and it would mix with the delicious aroma of my aunt’s cooking. On special occasions like New Year’s or a birthday, we would have hand-rolled sushi. A big, wooden bowl of rice mixed with vinegar as the centerpiece; two plates of sashimi on each side with tuna, salmon, salmon roe, octopus, squid, shrimp, mackerel. Sticks of cucumber on smaller plates; a bottle of soy sauce and a small tube of wasabi, which I hated back then. And of course, the seaweed cut into neat squares and stacked on top of one another like paper. Before everything was ready, before everyone was seated at the table, my aunt pulled out sheets and sheets of seaweed and roasted them on the open flame while the children played in another room. The smell found us, causing us to pause briefly to revel in the excitement of a special dinner. Life was simple like that. My sister and me in our cousins’ small bedroom playing next to their bunkbed. In the other room, a Buddhist shrine and framed photos of our grandparents and great grandparents—everyone who had lived in this house before us watching over us.

    When the seaweeds are roasted, I slowly rip them in half and wrap the onigiri. I make sure that all the rice is covered. My mother is distracted by the washing and doesn’t notice what I am doing.

    “Look,” I tell her when I am finished, just as I used to when I was a little girl showing her something I’d drawn with a crayon.

    “Hm?” she looks up, smiling widely. Whenever she looks up at me like this, she glows like the orange sun melting into the horizon.

    “Fumie-nigiri,” I tell her. Fumie was my grandmother’s name.

    My mother pauses. She looks at the seaweed-covered rice balls. For a moment she looks to be on the verge of tears. But the moment is gone, and she smiles again. “Wow, you don’t know how happy your grandmother would’ve been to have an onigiri named after her.”

    It’s true, I don’t know how happy she would’ve been. But the thought of being able to make my grandmother smile the way my mother smiles is enough.

    This is how I will keep her alive.

  • Mona Lisa’s Third Eye: Twenty-five Haiku

    talk is cheap

    but even at that

    the dinosaurs have no cash

    *

    in Coco Chanel’s apartment

    a giant meteor

    and a puff of smoke

    *

    drifting toward sleep —

    dark perfume

    falling off a cliff

    *

    he rises

    at night to write down

    strange chords

    *

    even before

    he could walk, his crib

    floated on water

    *

    diamond —

    a gathering

    of windows

    *

    falling rain

    reveals the mirrors

    hid in clouds 

    *

    a treatment

    for claustrophobia — to swallow

    elixir of mirrors

    *

    toward my back door

    slow as a glacier

    a graveyard flows

    *

    a tiny uncharted island —

    a place

    to hide from Egypt

    *

    mummy cloth

    in a few centuries

    I’ll unwrap myself

    *

    to prepare

    for the Sack of Rome —

    tea and toast

    *

    guns grow limp

    unable to get hard

    they die out

    *

    changing tastes –

    once-famous paintings

    are melting

    *

    behind Mona Lisa’s

    third eye a temple of glass

    still under construction

    *

    wet or dry

    the stones are happy

    to be a cathedral

    *

    inside a marble head

    there is no memory

    of Ancient Rome

    *

    in Kansas City

    in a house of glass

    a banker consults an astrologer

    *

    reaching up

    Gertrude Stein catches

    a bird in any sky

    *

    Gertrude Stein is laughing

    a ball is falling to pieces

    who fly away

    *

    just when I almost

    saw the wind’s face

    it changed

    *

    in Antarctica

    researchers hallucinate

    in fields of snow

    *

    like the Great Pyramid

    there are many snowflakes

    I’ll never see falling

    *

    in Gertrude Stein

    patterns emerge

    as fish in flight

    *

    it’s too beautiful –

    I cannot finish

    the novel

  • Mister Brother

    Mister Brother

    Mister Brother is shaving for a date. Mister Brother likes getting ready and he likes having had sex. Everything in between is just business.
          “Hey, Twohey,” he says. “Better take it easy on the sheets tonight, Mom’s out of bleach.”
          “Twohey (that’s you if you’re ready to wear the skin for a while) says, “Shut up, you moron.”
          “Ow,” Mister Brother says, expertly stroking his jaw with Schick steel. Don’t call me a moron, you know how upset it gets me.”
          Mister Brother, seventeen years old, looks dressed even when he’s naked. His flesh has a serenely unsurprised quality not common in the male nude since the last of the classical Greek sculptors cut his last torso. Mom and Dad, modest people, terrorized people, are always begging Mister Brother to put something on.
         “Shut up,” you tell. Him. “Just shut up.”
         You, Twohey, I’m sorry to say, are plump and pink as a birthday cake. You are never naked.
         “Twohey, m’dear,” Mister Brother says “haven’t you got any pressing business, ahem, elsewhere?”
         You say, “You bet I do.”
         And yet you stay where you are, perched on the edge of the bathtub, watching Mister Brother, naked as a gladiator, prepare himself for Saturday night. You can’t seem to imagine being anywhere else.
         Mister Brother rinses off, inspects his face for specks of stubble. He selects an after-shave from the lineup. To break the scented silence, you offer a wolf whistle.
         “Mister Brother says, “Honestly, if you don’t let up on me, I’m going to start crying. I’m going to just fall apart, and won’t that make you happy?”
         Mister Brother is a wicked mimic. When you tease him, he tends to answer in your mother’s voice, but he performs only her hysterical aspect. He omits her undercurrent of bitter, muscular competence.
         You laugh. For a moment your mother, not you, is the fool of the house. Mister Brother smiles into the mirror. You watch as he plucks a stray eyebrow hair from the bridge of his nose. Later, as the future starts springing its surprises, and you find yourself acquainted with a drag queen or two, you will note that they do not extend to their toilets quite the level of ecstatic care practiced by Mister Brother before the medicine cabinet mirror.
         “Hey honey, come on now; don’t cry. I didn’t mean it,” you say, in an attempt at your father’s stately and mortified manner. Imitation is not, unfortunately, the area in which your main talents lie, and you sound more like Daffy Duck than you do like a rueful middle-aged tax attorney. You try to hold the moment by laughing. You do not mean your laughter to sound high-pitched or whinnying.
         Mister Brother plucks another hair, rapt as a neurosurgeon. He says, “Twohey, man.” He says nothing more. You understand. Work on that laugh, okay?
         Where are you going?” you ask, hoping to be loved for your selfless interest in the lives of others.
         “O-U-T” he says. “Into the night. Don’t wait up.”
       “You going out with Sandy?”
       “I am, in fact.”
       “Sandy’s a skank.”
       Mister Brother preens, undeterred. “And, what’ve you got lined up for tonight, buddy?” he says. “A little Bonanza, a little self-abuse?
       “Shut up,” you say. He is, as usual, dead right, and you’re starting to panic. How is it possible that the phrase, “lonely, plump and petulant” could apply to you? There is another you, lean and knowing, desired, and he’s right here, under your skin. All you need is a little help getting him out into the world.
       “So, Twohey,” Mister Brother says. “How would you feel about shedding your light someplace else for a while? A man needs his privacy, dig?”
       “Sayonara,” you say, but you can’t quite make yourself leave the bathroom. Here, right here, in this small chamber of tile and mirror, with three swan decals floating serenely over the bathtub, is all you hope to know about love and ardor, the whole machinery of the future. Everything else is just your house.
         “Twohey, brave little chap, I’m serious, capish? Run along, now. On to further adventures.”
         You nod, and remain. Mister Brother has created a wad of shifting muscles between his shoulder blades. The ropes of his triceps are big enough to throw shadows onto his skin.
         You decide to deliver a line devised some time ago, and held in reserve. You say, “Why do you bother with Sandy? Why don’t you just date yourself? You know you’ll put out, and you can save the price of a movie.”
         Mister Brother looks at your reflected face in the mirror. He says, “Out faggot.” Now he is imitating no one but himself.
         You would prefer to be unaffected by such a cheap shot. It would help if it wasn’t true. Given that it is true, you would prefer to have something more in the way of a haughty, crushing response. You would prefer not to be standing here, fat in the fluorescent light, with hippopotamus tears suddenly streaming down your face.
         “Christ,” Mister Brother says. “Will you just fucking get out of here? Please?”
         You will. In another moment, you will. But, even now, impaled as you are, you can’t quite remove yourself from the presence of your brother’s stern and certain beauty.
         What can the world possibly do but ruin him? Mister Brother, at seventeen, can have anything he wants, and sees nothing extraordinary about that fact. So, what can the world do but marry him (to Carla, not Sandy), find him a job, arrange constellations over his head just the way he likes them and then slowly start shutting down the power? It’s one of the oldest stories. There’s the beautiful wife who refuses, obdurately, mysteriously, to be as happy as she’d like to be. There’s the baby, then another, then (oops, hey, she must be putting pinholes in my condoms) a third. There’s the corporate job (money’s no joke anymore, not with three kids at home) where charm counts for less and less and where Ossie Ringwald, who played cornet in the high school band, joins the firm three years after Mister Brother does and takes less than two years to become his boss.
         All that is waiting, and you and Mister Brother probably know it, somehow, here on this spring night in Pasadena, where the scents of honeysuckle and chaparral are extinguished by Mister Brother’s Aramis and Right Guard, and where the souped-up cars of Mister Brother’s friends and rivals leave rubber behind on the street. Why else would you love and despise each other so ardently, you who have nothing but blood in common? Looking at that present from this present, it seems possible that you both sense somewhere, beneath the level of language, that some thirty years later he, full of Scotch, pecked bloody from his flock of sorrows, will suffer a spasm of tears and then fall asleep on your sofa with his head on your lap.
         That night is now. Here you are, forty-five years old, showing Mister Brother around the new hilltop house you’ve bought. As Mister Brother walks the premises, Scotch in hand, appreciating this detail or that, you feel suddenly embarrassed by the house. It’s too grand. No, it’s grand in the wrong way. It’s cheesy, Gatsbyesque. The sofa is so . . . faggot Baroque. How had you failed to notice? What made you choose white suede? It had seemed like a brave, reckless disregard of the threat of stains. At his moment, though, it seems possible––it does not seem impossible––that men don’t stay around because they can’t imagine sitting with you, night after night, on a sofa like this. Maybe that’s why you’re still alone.
       Tonight you sit on the sofa with Mister Brother, who lays his head in your lap. You tell him lots of people go through bad spells in their marriages. You tell him things at work will turn around after the election. Although you still call him by that name, this man is not, strictly speaking, Mister Brother at all. This is a forty-eight-year-old nattily dressed semi-bald guy with a chain around his neck. This is a tax attorney. Here he is and here you are, speaking softly and consolingly as the more powerful constellations begin to show themselves outside your sliding glass doors. 
         And here you are at fourteen, in this suburban bathroom. You stand another moment with Mister Brother, livid, ashamed, sniveling, and then you finally force yourself to perform the singular act that should, all along, have been so simple. You leave him alone.
       “So long, asshole,” you say weepily as you exit. “And, fuck you too.”
       If he thought more of you, he’d lash out. He wouldn’t continue plucking his eyebrows in the mirror.
       You go and lie on your bed, running your fingers over the stylish houndstooth blanket you insisted on; worried, as always, about the stains it covers. You hear Mister Brother downstairs flirting with Mom, shadowboxing with Dad. You hear his Mustang fire up in the driveway. You lie on your bed in the room that will become a guest room, a junk room, a home office, and then the bedroom of a stranger’s child. You plan to lose weight and get handsome. You plan to earn in the high five figures before you turn forty. You plan to be somebody other people need to know. These plans will largely, astonishingly, come true.
         As Mister Brother roars away, radio blasting, you plan a future in which he respects and admires you. You plan to see him humbled, weeping, penitent. You plan to look pityingly down at him from your own pinnacle of strength and love. These plans will not come true. When the time arrives, reparations will be negotiated between a handsome, lonely man and a much older-looking guy in Dockers and a Bill Blass jacket; an exhausted family man who’s had a few too many Scotches. Mister Brother won’t come at all. Mister Brother is too fast. Mister Brother is too cool. Mister Brother is off to further adventures, and in his place he’s sent a husband and father for you to hold as the city sparkles beyond the blue brightness of your pool and cars pass by on the street below, leaving snatches of music behind.

     

    “Copyright@1998 by Michael Cunningham. Originally published in DoubleTake Magazine, Fall 1998. All rights reserved. Reprinted by permission of Brandt and Hochman, Literary Agents, Inc.

  • Me and Bobby Kennedy

    Me and Bobby Kennedy

    1

    I never formally met Bobby Kennedy, but I did once alter the course of his life for maybe five minutes. Since then, I have always felt a certain kinship with him. Had he only lived longer, who knows what he might have achieved.

    My relationship with him began on a beautiful fall afternoon back in 1964, less than a year after his brother, President John F. Kennedy, was assassinated. It was a few weeks before Election Day, when President Lyndon Johnson would be running for a full term, and Bobby Kennedy would be running for senator in New York State.

    I was hanging out in the storefront clubhouse of the Eleanor Roosevelt Independent Democrats on the Lower Eastside of Manhattan, trying to figure out how we could distribute piles of cartons of campaign literature. We had all kinds of neighborhood characters dropping by, sometimes giving us political advice, but rarely offering to help out.

    One of my favorites was an elderly man with a long white beard, who told us his name, but then confided that everybody called him “Uncle Sam.” I can still remember two of his sage observations.

    “You want to know what is wrong with the name of the Republican Party?” he asked, while rolling the “R” in Republican.

    “Sure.”

    “Re means against; public means the people.”

    “Great!” Carlos observed. “The Republicans are against the people!”

    Smiling at his bright pupil, Uncle Sam was ready to disclose his second observation. “Do you know what is right in the middle of the Democratic Party?”

    We all just shrugged. Uncle Sam waited, wanting to give everyone a chance to guess. And then he told us:  “The Democratic Party has a rat in it,” again rolling his r’s.

    We just shook our heads. The man was perfectly right. We invited him to join our club. As he left, he said he’d think about it. But in the meanwhile, we should consider changing the name of our club. “Eleanor Roosevelt, she is a living saint. But think of getting rid of ‘Democrats’ from your name.”

    2

    As much of a character as Uncle Sam was, he did not come close to Mrs. Clayton, who burst into our office one afternoon and demanded to know where our Robert Kennedy glossy photos were. Indeed, where were they? We all looked at each other and just shook our heads in shame.

    “Are you trying to tell me that you don’t have any?”

    We sadly agreed.

    “Can any of you please answer this simple question? How can you call yourselves a Democratic club if, just weeks away from the election, you don’t have any of Bobby’s photos?”

    Mrs. Clayton was a very nice-looking Black woman, maybe in her mid-sixties. And she seemed quite comfortable expecting answers to her questions. But I couldn’t get past wondering why on Earth she was wearing a fur coat on such a warm day.

    “What? Do I have to do everything around here? Who’s going to drive me up to Kennedy’s headquarters on 42nd Street?”

    None of us had a car. “Mrs. Clayton, if you can get some Kennedy glossy photos for us, I’ll be glad to take you up there in a cab.”

    “You’re on, young man!”

    3

    Fifteen minutes later we arrived at a large storefront that served as Kennedy’s campaign literature depot. There, I saw cartons piled eight or ten feet high along the walls and a whole bunch of people, most of whom looked very busy. I heard quite a few Boston accents among them.

    Mrs. Clayton walked in as if she owned the place, and for all I knew, maybe she did. She buttonholed a middle-aged guy with red hair and the beginnings of a potbelly, and told him that she needed a few carloads of Kennedy campaign literature for this boy’s club on the Lower Eastside.

    “Who yah with?”

    “The Eleanor Roosevelt Independent Democrats.”

    “Never heard of ‘em.”

    “We’re on the Lower Eastside. We’re a Reform Democratic club,” I replied.

    “Oh, we already sent a whole pile of stuff tuh the Regular Democratic club down there – the Lower Eastside Democratic Association. Why don’t you get some from them?”

    “Are you familiar with the Hatfields and the McCoys?”

    This got a big laugh out of him. “Mrs. Clayton, you can take whatever you need.”

    He called over a couple of guys to help us, and a few minutes later, Mrs. Clayton and I were sitting in the lead limousine in a caravan laden with enough Bobby Kennedy glossies and other campaign material to give out to every Democratic voter in the entire city.

    When we got to our clubhouse, Kennedy’s workers and our own people quickly filled up our entire space from floor to ceiling. When they were ready to leave, Mrs. Clayton‘s parting words to us were quite direct, “When you need something, all you’ve got to do is ask for it.” Then, she got back into the limo and rode home in style.

    4

    After Mrs. Clayton left, the rest of us started going through some of the cartons. Whatever else might be said, there surely were enough Bobby Kennedy glossy photos, many of which showed him with smiling crowds of people. But there was far too much campaign literature for us to use, even if every household got dozens of different pieces every day.

    “What are we going to do with all this shit?” asked Martha

    “Hey, I’ve got a great idea!”

    Everybody looked at me. While I was apparently the quasi-leader that day – not to mention the person who’d helped Mrs. Clayton deliver the goods – they were hoping that I was serious.

    “Let’s dump whatever we don’t want in front of our dear neighbors, the Lower Eastside Democratic Association. You know, when I was at the Kennedy headquarters, they told me that those bastards down the block froze us out of our share of not just the Bobby Kennedy glossies, but of all the rest of his literature. So wouldn’t it be poetic justice to dump what we don’t want in front of their clubhouse?”

    Thankfully, cooler heads prevailed, especially since, without a car, it would have been some job carrying all those cartons. And we might have even gotten arrested for illegal dumping.

    “OK,” I agreed. But we need to make a good faith effort to distribute as much of this as we can. I really do hate to waste anything. And also, dumping this stuff would not be fair to Mrs. Clayton.”

    So, we all went back to going through more of the cartons. After several minutes, Harry called out, “Hey, what should we do with these?”

    He read us the title of a stapled packet of printed pages: “Senator Robert Kennedy’s Address to the Mizrachi Women.”

    “Who the hell are the Mizrachi Women?” I asked. I’ve heard of Mizrachi salami.”

    “Don’t they carry that brand at Katz’s Delicatessen? Maybe that’s what they’re referring to on that big sign they have on the back wall,” suggested Carlos.

    “What sign?” asked Harry.

    Carlos was laughing so hard, he had to hold up his hand for everyone to wait till he could speak. Then he said, “Send a salami to your boy in the army.”

    Now we were all laughing.

    Finally, after we had all settled down, Martha explained that the Mizrachi Women were a Zionist group that promoted education in Israel. That certainly seemed inoffensive enough.

    I said that I was uncomfortable about distributing this twenty-page handout because it appeared to be pandering to Jews. “Look, I’m obviously a member of the tribe, but I think that while it’s fine for Kennedy to address this group, distributing it may be going a step too far.”

    “So should we just dump them?” asked Martha.

    “I have a great idea!” declared Harry. Let’s give them out to people on the street, but only if they’re obviously not Jewish.”

    “Sounds like a plan,” I agreed.

    That evening, as I locked up, I felt we had gotten a lot done, although now we had to get rid of all that shit. On my way home, I saw a middle-aged Black couple standing under a street light. Their heads were bent together, but they weren’t talking.

    Then I noticed that they were thoroughly engrossed in something they were reading. It was Bobby Kennedy’s address to the Mizrachi Women.

    5

    The chances are, you never heard of Samuel Silverman and you’re not at all familiar with the Surrogate Court of New York County, aka the court of widows and orphans. Each borough of New York City has two surrogate judges, who appoint lawyers to handle inheritance cases of families who can’t afford their own legal representation.

    So that’s a good thing, right? Not always. And certainly not in the surrogate courts of New York and many other cities. Often lawyers, in cahoots with the surrogate judges, charge very high legal fees, depriving the widows and orphans of most or all of their inheritances.

    In 1966, Senator Robert Kennedy decided to put a stop to this practice at least in the Manhattan (New York County) Surrogate Court. Looking long and hard, he finally found the right man — Samuel Silverman, a justice of the State Supreme Court.

    The patriarch of the Kennedy clan, Joseph Kennedy, had amassed a family fortune that would be equivalent to at least ten billion dollars in today’s dollars. His hands were far from clean, but he provided his sons with seemingly unlimited funding to run for high political office.

    And so in turn, Bobby Kennedy funded Justice Silverman’s campaign in the 1966 Democratic Primary for a vacant Surrogate seat. Almost no one in the entire borough of Manhattan had ever heard of Silverman, let alone had any idea of whether or not he might be a good Surrogate.

    But none of that really mattered. What did matter were Senator Robert Kennedy’s endorsement and Joseph Kennedy’s money. But Bobby certainly put his father’s money where his own mouth was. He campaigned tirelessly for Justice Silverman.

    6

    One Sunday afternoon in late May, just a few weeks before the Democratic Primary, Bobby Kennedy, accompanied by Justice Silverman, was scheduled to tour the Lower Eastside, making stops in each neighborhood. The tour would culminate in a giant rally in perhaps the busiest intersection of the entire Lower Eastside – the junction where Essex Street and Delancey Street met.

    When the caravan arrived in front of our clubhouse, there was Bobby Kennedy sitting in a huge black convertible, and sitting next to him was Justice Silverman. Both of them were smiling and waving to a lively crowd and even reached out to shake a few hands.

    The problem was that they were more than an hour behind schedule, and had been long overdue for a rally before what might be the largest crowd in Lower Eastside history. When I approached the lead limo, the driver told me to hop into the front seat.

    “We already got lost three or four times. These damn streets don’t have any numbers like they do uptown.”

    “Hey, Boston’s even worse,” I replied.

    He laughed. “You got a point there.”

    “So you want me to be your guide?”

    “Absolutely! We got one more stop to make – the Lower Eastside Democratic Association.”

    “OK, I said. They’re just down the block, but if you’re really in a hurry, I know what we can do to save some time.”

    “You’re the boss!”

    We slowed as we approached their clubhouse. They had a small crowd, and when they saw Bobby, they went wild. They were expecting about a five-minute stop so that Kennedy and Silverman could each say a few words and maybe shake a few hands.

    But I told the driver to speed up and I’d get him to Essex and Delancey in less than two minutes. When the people in the crowd realized that we weren’t stopping, some of them starting cussing and shaking their fists in the air. I looked back and saw Bobby and Justice Silverman laughing. When he caught my eye, Bobby gave me the thumbs up.

    At Essex and Delancey, the police cleared a path for our motorcade, and Bobby and Justice Silverman climbed a ladder on the back of a large flatbed truck. There was an elaborate sound system, and despite all the ambient noise, Bobby could be easily heard even blocks away as he addressed the crowd.

    I could not believe how many people were there. Traffic was completely cut off for as far as I could see, and there must have been several hundred thousand people covering every square inch of ground.

    I got out of the limo and read the label attached to the ladder. It said, “Property of Joseph Kennedy.”

    Meanwhile Bobby was teasing the crowd. Of course, he knew why so many people showed up. There was just one person they wanted to see and hear, and regretfully, that person was not Justice Silverman.

    I remember his saying, “I know that all of you have been standing out here in the hot sun waiting to meet Justice Silverman…”

    There was a vast roar of laughter. Nobody had ever heard anything that funny. They would probably remember that remark for years. I certainly did.

    It didn’t really matter what Bobby said, or what Silverman said that day. Many of those people would vote for Silverman just on Bobby’s say-so. In a few weeks, Silverman would win in in a landslide.

    7

    Two years later, the Reverend Martin Luther King and Robert Kennedy would die from assassins’ bullets.

    And now, after so many decades, I still cry whenever I hear Dion’s mournful song, “Abraham, Martin, and John.”

    Here are the last four lines:

    Anybody here seen my old friend Bobby? 
    Can you tell me where he’s gone? 
    I thought I saw him walkin’ up over the hill 
    With Abraham, Martin, and John.

  • Maybe Ricki

    Maybe Ricki

    You think Ricki is a narc. Then again, you think she isn’t. You don’t know because every decision you’ve ever made has sucked, right from the time you dropped like a brick from Alice’s womb. You remember her vaguely, from before they took her–long dark hair and tracked arms.

    Ricki sits across the Parkside Lounge from you, almost every night. She sells you little pills of joy. She says she’s small time. She’s a marriage counselor by day, but, you know, she tells you, with that little turn of her head and almost shy smile, that a girl’s got to make ends meet. I’m not gettin’ any younger.  Manhattan costs, she says.

    She doesn’t live in a squat like you do on Attorney Street.

    You think she can’t be a narc. What cop would go undercover as a marriage counselor? No. She tells you she’s been divorced five times, so she knows what she’s talking about.

    Long ago, you told her you were married once and she laughed. Not “ha ha,” but a who-the-fuck-would-marry-you laugh. She made a joke to veil her surprise. Maybe trying to hide that she just doesn’t believe it, along with all the other shit you spill.

    When you whisper, “You’re a fucking narc,” she gets mad for a sec. Even just an accusation like that sinks business. But then she doesn’t take you seriously. You are smaller than small time to her, lower than a rounding error to even her piss ass commerce.

    Tuesday night you go to Ricki because you need what Ricki has. She’s cheap, she’s easy and she’s around. And she’s not a narc.

     She’s dealt you for three months and never busted or nicked you.  You haven’t been feeling well for months.  The stomach likes less and less what you shove down into it. You hardly sleep. You can’t even shit right. Even the lowest fucking rat has no problems shitting. But you do.

     Ricki tells you to lay off the pills for a while. They’re gonna kill you, she says. I like to keep my customers, she laughs.

    That increases your paranoia. Why would a dealer tell a customer that you should stop buying?  What the fuck is that you ask yourself.  Now you think she’s a narc again. She’s afraid of killing you by accident, you figure she figures. That would get out and ruin her chances of a promotion, right?

            But you can’t trust yourself. You haven’t had a useable thought beyond how to get the money you need each day for your little ride and not get caught, because most times you steal for it. Sometimes you help Jimmy out with club security. But the owners don’t want customers to see your knuckled face while they wait at the velvet ropes, so you’re the man in reserve, inside the club’s doors. Never out front.  But you are good at that. That is the one thing you excel at.

    Yesterday, you took that kid’s skateboard. You notice it says Destructo on it and you think that’s funny because that was your nickname for the couple odd years you wasted in high school.

    So you clothes-line the rich kid while he’s wheeling fast with his stupid wool cap pulled down over his head, even though it is 80 degrees out. He goes flying into the low iron railing circling a tree in Tompkins Square Park. A red jet stream explodes from his nose like it couldn’t wait to leave his body.

    His friends are such faggots that they go to him instead of going after you like they should. But you know that. Absolutely know. You only run half a block before you see they aren’t coming for you. You figure the board is worth $200 new and you get $20 for it from Leo. You think that’s a good deal.

    At the Parkside you give your money to Ricki. She looks at you with pity. Right there you’d like to break her face, but you don’t have another dealer you trust so that’s out. For now. You walk back to the bathroom and drink some water and down the happiness. All four of ‘em.

    When you come out your nerves are better. You see Ricki for what she is. Just a little bit less of a fuck up than you. Not a narc. As you pass, she says only heroin addicts are worse at breaking their habit than speed freaks.

    You don’t care. You mouth the words, “Fuck you,” in her direction.

    You still have…what is it called? Amphetamine…psychosis? she says and downs her rum and coke.

    They nab you for heating glass in a parking lot near on Norfolk St. You think sitting between cars on the ground would hide you, but the smoke gives you away to the attendant. When you are fiending you get anxious and hallucinate. People who are talking to you sound as if they are yelling at the top of their lungs. Passing trucks sound like a TNT blast. You see a lot of things out of the corner of your eyes that are not there when you look straight at them. But you see them.

    You got sprung for telling the DA what he wanted, even though you knew the dealer you snitch would eventually get to you. And you lie for the DA anyway. You need out. You’re tired of being bitched by the bulls and the cons.

    Haitian Gerard is out on bail now, you hear, so you stay away from his turf.

    You remember you came into the bar once with a blue hospital bracelet on your wrist, fresh out of Riker’s infirmary. You tell Ricki you don’t have that psychosis thing even though that’s what the Riker’s nurse warned you about, shaking his head, knowing you were a lost cause.

    You want to kill Ricki but you don’t want to lose your source without a new one to replace her.

    You go to your seat at the bar, the far end away from the door.  Lazlo, the bartender kid, lets you sit there and nurse a Bud all night. You know he feels sorry for you, but you don’t care. He’s in college. So fucking what.

    Then, out of the corner of your eye, you see the Haitian come in and the bar lights go out.  Gerard is coming for you. You duck quickly behind the bar and roll under the wash stand. There’s just enough room. People are yelling.  A bang. Just one. People scream.

    The lights go back on and Ricki is on the ground with one little black hole right in her forehead. But big enough. A thick, shiny rivulet of blood seeps from it, rolls along the top of her right eyebrow over her ear and mixes with the sawdust on the ancient parquet floor.  People run out the door dialing 911 on their cell phones.

    You pull yourself out from under the washstand and the grease from it slicks your t-shirt. You feel the shit on your back.

    You head for the door. Wait. Ricki’s purse is laying on the ground, a beautiful nugget.  You rifle it and score some pills and rock. You run away, but wait, was that reflection that blinked at you for a moment from inside the bag a gold badge?  Maybe Ricki was a narc after all? Or maybe she wasn’t small time enough. This is the Haitian’s turf.  Fuck, you think, now you have to find a new dealer, far away from here.

  • Maxwell Street Follies

    Maxwell Street Follies

    “The starting point of critical elaboration is the consciousness of what one really is: ‘knowing thyself’ as a product of the historical process to date, which has deposited in you an infinity of traces, without leaving an inventory.”

    Antonio Gramsci, The Prison Notebooks

    Just past midnight on a muggy night in 1984, three Parisian squatters stood around a kerosene lantern plotting adverse possession in the leaky third floor of a tenement building in Montmartre.

    “Where did you put the sign up?” asked Valery, tugging on his young, dark black beard as his elbow rested on a stack of several antiquated law books.

    “I put a sign on a shopping cart in behind old number seven, that says that I own the property,” said an old folk artist with a cracked voice named Papa Gounod.

    “Good,” said Valery, rattling his fingers on the scarred barrister’s bookshelf that served as a tabletop. He inwardly wondered whether the good Old Man had used the appropriate legal description, ‘Lot 17 of

    Parcel 225,’ or latitude and longitude, or some other method to identify the exact location of Gounod’s adversely possessed parcel. He inhaled a lungful of marijuana and breathed it out voluminously. The vapors hung in the mildewy darkness as the lamp puffed fumes across the open brick room and toward an open window, through which a pale moon shown wanly through scattered clouds over a carnival skyscape.

    “Well, your sign most likely won’t change the matter very much for us,” Valery said at last. In English law countries, that might make a difference, but in France, alas, it’s different,” explained Valery. “There is no reference to this problem in either the Salic Law, or the Napoleonic Code, of course. However, since we have been here for much longer than two days, our settlement cannot be considered a breach of the public order; therefore, the police cannot evict us, unless the City first resorts to the civil courts. That’s why old Gounod received his eviction notice. And while any eviction proceedings may be lengthy, the outcome could never be in any doubt, as his mere possession does nothing to establish his ownership to the property,” said Valery. “Ordinarily, we could be reduced to the usual settlement: agree on a bail precaire with our building’s rightful owners, or perhaps reach an agreement to legalize our settlements with the Minister of Culture,” he said. “But in our case, our situation may be even graver.”“What do you mean?” demanded Jean-Claude.

    “They may even try to dissolve our organization ex nunc,” said Valery ruefully. “The aim that was connatural to the association when it was registered in 1960, the raison d’être for the coming-together of its members, was the operation of ‘Livres de Conscience’- the bookstore now operated by Heathcliff Waite- by the Committees of Conscience, on behalf of political prisoners. But the Committee stopped meeting in the early ‘60s, and Heathcliff Waite turned the bookstore into a conventional business.”

    Weakly, dreadlocked old Papa Gounod tapped the lantern. “But I think I fixed that problem,” he wheezed, wiping off his dirty finger and pointing it at an open law book. “Since you told us that adverse possession \is the law in English countries, I put my sign up on Guy Fawkes Day.”

    Suddenly, out of the darkness reared a fourth bearded man, Bougard, whose beard had grown yellow with lamp oil. “Connard!” he roared. “You heard him! You won’t last another year in this neighborhood, Old Man, ever since you took Clarence Darrow and her kittens. You’ve let the water run from the tap in that yard for almost two months now, and it’s breeding mosquitoes in the tire collection. You won’t last another month, with your shopping carts and your onion boxes! They say Butterfly Bill’s coming back! 

    The foursome grew quiet at the mention of the adopted son of Heathcliff Waite, the bookstore operator. The smoking kerosene lamp swung silently in the smelly shadows.

      #

    Early the next morning, a grim young man with a red beard and wearing a backpack debarked from a train at the Gare Montmartre. He passed the other travelers, en route to their morning espresso or to the metro. During his seven-year absence, the platform had been renovated in late 1940s style, and a loudpseaker blared the Rolling Stones version of ‘Love in Vain.’ Without pausing or turning, Bill Waite vomited into a waste can, and left the station. As he marched robustly along the boardwalk that ran beside the amusement park rides lining the Normandy shore, Bill gazed over the ocean, like some modern-day Constantine, at an image that seemed to hover above the horizon: the adoring face and long blonde hair of Dian Fossey. He had just left his mentor, murdered and now buried on a Rwandan mountain, a week before.

    From the train station, Bill heard the refrain of the song: “All my love’s in vain.” Strutting past the rats that scurried among the abandoned carnival prizes, Bill came to a small concrete plaza at the end of the boardwalk. Peering over the guardrail at the end of the plaza, he could see some distance into the outlying reaches of Paris. There, in the distance on the side of Montmartre, lay the street on which Bill had grown up. Yes, there he could see it, just behind the Place Pigalle: Rue Maxwell, the birthplace of northern Europe’s electric blues scene.

    Peering at the side of the hill in the distance, Bill began to wonder for the first time if he were well. He thought he spied an elf, in a powdered white 18th century barrister’s wig, standing atop a 200-foot-tall ladder, carrying two hefty boxes, one beneath each arm, at a great height. A bearded troll stood at the bottom, pelting the elf and cursing.

    The troll spoke, and snatches of his words came obscurely to Bill’s ear, but the word ‘harlequin’was the only word he made out. Then the troll threw back his right arm and hurled a square object to the top of the ladder, which struck the wigged figure, who wavered, still clutching the two heavy plywood boxes, as the ladder began to vibrate. Bill ran breathlessly the last mile-and-a-half to the Rue Maxwell.

    But when he arrived, it was not the faerie village of his childhood, both synthetic and whimsical, but a smoking ruin of hovels. The field of sunflowers had been razed, and the goldfish pond filled with motor oil. The street where he had been raised as a child was turned into a skeleton, like a set of punched out and broken teeth, blackened with tobacco smoke. In a corner of the lot Bill spied a very fresh-looking tombstone. The immense ladder that had been perched against the side of the ancient warehouse at 5112 Rue Maxwell had fallen to the ground. Books littered the ground, and Heathcliff was nowhere to be seen.

    “Dad?” Bill said.

    At that moment, his ex-roommate and fellow communard, Bougard, who looked like a troll, lunged around the corner with a fresh armload of books. “Ca va, citoyen?” Bill asked.

    “Your putain father, that’s what, ‘Butterfly!’” taunted Bougard. “Think you’ll take all my books, eh? It looks like you forgot one last book, Jacobin. En garde!” He hurled a pocket size version of the Audubon Society’s ‘Field Guide to Butterflies,’ with its sturdy plastic cover, which struck Bill in the forehead, knocking him unconscious.

    #

    He always hated to be called ‘Butterfly,’ so much so that in his adolescence he changed his name to ‘Bill.’ It reminded him of his Mere, Bianca, who left Marseilles in 1962 on a tour of European communes. She fell in love with the Rue Maxwell, but tragically, when she drove out of town on an errand a week after her arrival, she was killed by one of the freak tornados that occurred in that year. Mirabile dictu, her three-year-old son, Butterfly, was left sitting unharmed in the middle of the freeway. Butterfly was left with no memories of her.

    You see, this is not a story about the Paris, France of ‘the Lost Generation’ or the Jazz Age, but it begins not far from there, on a small declining side street on the rear of the Montmartre slope. Have you ever been there? If you ever stood at the Basilica of the Sacred Heart and looked over the City of Lights, then you were, as they say, within spitting distance of the Rue Maxwell. Down at the base of the hill is the ancient Market, and beyond that one of the city’s oldest learning institutions. Near the top of the hill is the block where Butterfly grew up, and if you’ve ever been to the Basilica, then you were only three short blocks from the corner containing the hot dog stand where he got a black eye from a squatter and decided to change his name to Bill. When he was growing up, Bill always blamed his abuse at the hands of the squatters on his gentle but incompetent father, a Quebecois immigrant named Heathcliff Midlothian Waite, who had himself only recently moved to Maxwell Street.

    Heathcliff had arrived carrying nothing but a broom, a powdered white barrister’s wig, and a few sundry belongings. He had returned one spring morning in 1962 to a steam pipe in the bridge running over the Seine at the Isle de la Cite, which had been his long-time abode, only to find that the City had welded it shut. Thence, he wandered through the city for several days, until he came, by chance, to the Rue Maxwell, where he made himself at home in the commune that had sprung up in the abandoned buildings that surrounded a bookstore, ‘Livres de Conscience.’

    At first, it seemed as if Heathcliff and the Rue Maxwell would get along famously. But at the time of Bianca’s shocking death in the tornado, he was overwhelmed with paternal feelings for the first time in his life and adopted the three-year-old boy.

    Heathcliff immediately set about expelling most of the human rights activists who had founded the ecovillage and began to operate the bookstore as a conventional business, supporting the boy for 14 years by selling used books. But the vacuum was soon filled by squatters, crude and violent. With most of the activists gone, Heathcliff and the few remaining communards were powerless to prevent it. To these roughnecks, the Waites, pere and fils, were a funny pair. After all, Heathcliff was a Quebecois who wore a wig and operated a quaint bookstore, and his son was named ‘Butterfly.’

    The day came when Butterfly bought a pair of dice from the boutique de conneries at 5118 Rue Maxwell, and moved out of the bookstore and into a building down the block with Bougard, a stubborn, middle-aged communard who had lived at the ecovillage since the old days.

    What next? he wondered. Was he to become a cabaret singer, or a pimp? One afternoon he gazed in meditation on his surroundings, peering thoughtlessly up at the most prominent of Maxwell Street’s two murals, which occupied the entire side of the building that housed the boutique des conneries. The large mural, commemorating his mother’s death and his own arrival, read, ‘Bianca and Butterfly forever,’ in green, gothic swirls of white and aqua.

    (The second, smaller mural was a wall-and-ceiling painting inside an abandoned ice cream Parlor that depicted the Count de Buffoon and Guillaume le Buffets, two physical comedians together called the Vaudeville Colleagues, who had gotten their start on the nearby Boardwalk decades prior to Bill’s birth).

    Because Maxwell Street was labeled with the disfavored nominative ‘Butterfly’ so prominently, he concluded, he certainly had to leave. But where? Bill had been reading about the American zoologist Dian Fossey, and her brave and dangerous efforts to preserve the mountain gorillas of Rwanda. Now there was a woman! he thought.

    He would go to her. Bill Waite would become a man. He would become an activist! Bill arrived at the camp on Mt. Karisimbi in the late afternoon one summer day not long thereafter; Dian herself had gone up on the ridge with some interns to check on a band of mountain gorillas that had split off from the main family. A young microbiologist named Heinz greeted him and showed him to his tent. Bill began to chop wood.

    Half an hour later Fossey herself trotted briskly from the tent up to where Bill stood with his ax. “You must be Waite,” the American woman said in the faux British accent she had adopted as an ex-patriate. “Nice chopping. It gets cold up here at night.”

    He would forever remember her standing freshly washed before him in her mountain fatigues. Contrasted against the mountain, Fossey looked even taller and stronger than her photographs. She was long-haired and beautiful against the sunset, but Bill noted that her unmade-up face was that of a middle-aged woman.

    Bill’s heart would forever belong to Dian, unconditionally, starting from one particularly chilly, dewy morning when she taught him how to repair an electronic weather meter. As the two of them hunched down together in the freshly mowed mountain grass, Dian saw Bill shiver, justonce. “Come closer,” she told him. Bill leaned in closer to Dian, and for the first time, breathed the powerful Charlie perfume she wore about her neckline.

    She finished tightening two of the bolts on the weathervane, and then handed it to him. Bill took the device in his lap, and Dian, leaning closer yet, placed her hand on his knee, and her chin on his shoulder. Bill tightened, and instinctively drew back again, his heart fluttering.

    From that moment, Dian knew that Bill sought a mother-and-child relationship. She held him like an egg. Bill’s competence grew by leaps and bounds in her care, as he came to play his dutiful role in the camp, where the study of the endangered mountain gorillas and the struggle against poaching went hand-in-hand.

    He was jealous nevertheless when he saw Dian flirting playfully with the other young men in the camp, including Heinz, Burton from the U.K., and even old Dr. Herwiger when he visited. She would ask any one of them to accompany her to the swimming pond, or to help her wring out her long underwear. The female interns and other women in camp seemed to ignore it, but the men present would giggle and exchange knowing looks, and then, when in Bill’s presence, would avert their gaze and fall silent.

    One weekend in early fall, Bill had been instructed to serve as look-out for Twa poachers, encroaching with the change in season, from an observation post on a mountain across the valley. This was an annual event, He returned ahead of time, just before dusk, to exchange a damaged telescope, and to his surprise, heard muted screams from one of the storage tents, which was ordinarily off-limits and seldom visited. What was going on? Had someone been injured?

    Bill stepped around a blazing fire pit, and pulled aside a thick leather curtain and a mosquito net. They hadn’t been there before. He saw Dian leaning forward, sweating in a maroon brassiere, her back turned to him. The shed was unlit save for a glowing brazier, which occluded part of the scene from Bill’s sight.

    “I feel a heartbeat!” Dian said. “Is he breathing?”

    Was she treating some wounded activist or poacher? he wondered. Maybe she was even performing heroic wilderness veterinary medicine on an injured gorilla. At length, Heinz appeared above the brazier, in spectacles and wearing a white smock.

    Bill heard the creak of rusty wheels. Dian walked from behind the brazier with an ungainly step, fanning herself energetically. In fact, she was wearing nothing but a leopard print G string and a pair of black stiletto heels. Her hair, illuminated by the brazier, glowed like coils of the finest copper, and they spilled down her back in ruddy ringlets. There was not an ounce of cellulite on her body. She didn’t see Bill.

    Bill was dumbfounded. Why was his icon traipsing around a shed, like a stripper nearly crippled by severe bunions, who is so clumsy she cannot even walk down a runway?

    “Are they bringing the next one?” she asked. “Alright, hold on.” She donned a plastic American Halloween mask, depicting a green-skinned, warty witch. “Bring him on.” Dian hesitantly picked up a whip, woven of thorny nettles, flexed her toned arm muscles, then put it down, instead taking two handfuls of green American dime store slime in her hands.

    Heinz wheeled in a vertical scaffold, on which was chained a Twa poacher. Dian lunged at the man, who immediately began screaming. She held the slime before his face, and let it ooze from her hands. The slime’s viscous verdure was opaque and seemed unholy in the light of the brazier. The Twa’s tonsils glowed from behind his sharpened, pointed teeth as he shrieked. 

    Dian put the slime down and wiped her hands on a towel. “There, there, little fellow,” she said. “That’s not really the slime I want on my hands, is it?” As she removed the mask and tossed her curls about her, she caught site of Bill.

    “Aren’t I every inch of me a whore, Bill?” she asked him.

    “Non,” said Bill.

    She looked slightly surprised. Heinz stood in a corner of the shed looking uncomfortable in his round glasses.

    “Well, then,” Dian said, reverting to her expatriate accent. She reached behind her and removed the bra. “Now do you love me, Bill?” she asked, cupping her breasts in her hands.

    “Non,” said Bill.

    Dian pouted. Suddenly she looked at him sharply. “Go to the water tower, and return with two large buckets of warm water,” she told him. “And take your time about it.”

    Bill took a step backward out of the shed and toward the fire, still holding on to the curtain.

    “I hope you understand that if you ever return to hurt my gorillas,” she told the Twa, as she stepped closer to him, “I’m going to cast these private parts of yours into the blaze.” 

    Bill stood in the doorway a moment, as he turned his head into the darkness and lowered his gaze, holding on to the mosquito netting and the leather curtain. I guess it’s easy to get conned into doing the wrong thing, he thought, when you’re thousands of miles away from home, and accompanied by some unusually confident, highly-principled person whom you adore.

    He turned again to the doorway, suddenly tore down the curtain and rushed back into the shed, shouting, “Sainte Mere de Dieu, ma femme, attendre!” He threw the heavy curtain over Dian’s nude body and shoved her off the helpless Twa. Dian’s shoulder crashed into the wooden wall, her hand still covered with green slime as she cried out, “Get off me, you bastard, and leave me alone!”

    Heinz turned his head to face the corner, like a donkey who sees its sibling being slaughtered, and knows it is next. Bill lifted Dian and carried the partially-nude woman out of the shed and into the darkness, crying, “Shanti Sena! Shanti Sena!”

    Suddenly activists came running through the darkness from every direction. Within a few minutes, Bill, Heinz, Dian and the Twa were back in the shed, which was surrounded by dozens of Dian’s students, interns, post-docs, non-credentialled assistants, and volunteers like Bill.

    “I told you already, we won’t tolerate you abusing the native peoples in this country,” yelled an undergrad, who had strawberry-colored hair.

    “But we have to take action to prevent the poaching, to save the endangered gorillas. They call them demons; they have superstitious practices. They’ll go extinct,” said Dian quickly, for the one hundredth time, lowering her face.

    “Then call the police!” screamed the strawberry maiden.

    “They’ll kill everyone, they’ll kill all of us…” said Dian wearily.

    “Perhaps you’re being paranoid again,” said a tall young female post-doc guardedly.

    “We’re activists and humanitarians, not a bunch of sadists!” screamed the strawberry woman. “Get away from him!” she suddenly screamed.

    Heinz had silently left his spot in the corner of the shed and had quietly worked his way over to where the Twa man still lay prostate on the horizontal scaffold. Discovered, he quickly backed away, weeping silently in fear. His glasses were fogged.

    The crowd now turned to look at the Twa man. They were not pleased with him either, as he had been caught poaching the previous day, and a mother gorilla and two infants had been killed.

    “What, if anything, would you like to say about all this?” asked the scrawny, mustached ecology intern. The entire crowd grew absolutely silent, except for Heinz’s nearly inaudible weeping and the sound of cicadas. Those gathered listened intently as the poacher made an effort to speak.

    “I… only…want….be with my people,” croaked the Twa’s harsh, dehydrated voice. That was was the first time Bill realized that dysfunction existed in the world beyond Maxwell Street. Eventually, the entire camp returned to bed. The poacher was taken from the scaffold and locked into a utility building behind the men’s quarters, from which he was released to Rwandan police two days later. Things in the camp went on as though nothing had happened. There was never again any reference to sexual improprieties amongst the activities on Mt. Karisimbi.

    Bill awoke in a sheen of sweat. He reached in the darkness of the camp for his alarm clock, but instead found his hand upon a fresh-seeming tombstone, and realized he was back home. To his side, the immense ladder still lay prone, but looking up, he saw his father dangling from the warehouse window, 200 feet in the air. He ran into the warehouse and raced up five flights of steps, then pulled his adoptive father into the building. Heathcliff stood bent over and gasping, then straightened and adjusted his wig. The entire building had been jammed with used books in storage.

    “Dad, what’s going on here?” Bill asked.

    “Come in here,” said Heathcliff breathlessly, gesturing to a little side room containing more books, as well as a wood stove and a few chairs. He tossed a handful of paperback books into the stove, and stuffed in some cardboard. Bill had forgotten how fast cardboard burned.

    “It’s good to see you, ‘Butterfly’,” said Heathcliff, as Bill sat down. “Things have become a little disorderly around here. Affairs in the outside world have demanded my attention, so I haven’t been able to spend as much time around the ecovillage as I used to.

    “You see,” said Heathcliff, “a few days after you left, seven years ago, I thought it would be nice to take a look at some of the old sites again. Bougard and Valery were standing in the bookstore one day, arguing with me about Boogard’s book, and Valery’s legal strategies, so I sort of spontaneously invited them both to join me on a helicopter tour.

    “I couldn’t believe how much the city had changed while you were growing up! An entire epoch in French history passed. Why, the Rolling Stones recorded ‘Exile on Main Street’ in the basement of a villa not far from here when you were 11 years old, and Picasso himself died only two years later. Brigitte

    Bardot became an animal rights activist who vehemently opposed immigration, and Jean-Luc Godard has seen his style evolve. Jean Paul Sartre died in 1980, three years after you left. Deplorably, now the entire country carries a torch for Serge Gainsbourg.

    “I really became disillusioned with France after Sartre died. In the helicopter, I saw for the first time the skyscrapers of the ironically-named business district called ‘La Defense,’ at the site of the historic city wall, which the bourgeoisie had constructed during the years of your puberty. I reflected on how I could have had an altogether different life. I could have lived in a houseboat on the Seine and finished my dissertation.

    “In a mood mixing melancholy with a spirit of new-found freedom, I meandered one morning down the hill and into the city, past the bridge that was my home long ago after I first emigrated from Quebec. I continued past the Isle de la Cite, to the tomb of the great Camus, my mentor, which for years I used to faithfully sweep every afternoon when I lived inside the bridge. Now, however, I carried not a broom, but a cane, and when, entirely on a whim, I decided to enter the house of the cemetery porter at Pere Lachaise, I found nothing easier than to become a docent at the same tomb I used to covertly sweep! 

    Heathcliff grasped two more handfuls of American paperbacks, and bent over, preparing to heave them into the stove. Bill stood up and smacked the Quebecois emigrant as hard as he could in the side of the head, causing him to spill the books.

    “You imbecile!” shouted Bill. “You’ll kill us! It must be 115 degrees in here!”

    “What? Oh, another fire! Quick, get the fire engine!” said Heathcliff.

    Bill followed his adoptive father down and out of the building, and around the corner to an abandoned art warehouse in the alley behind them, half a block up the hill toward the Basilica. Inside was an ancient fire engine.

    “Push!” shouted Heathcliff.

    The two men strained and struggled, and eventually pushed the fire engine by hand around the corner ‘til it came to rest before the warehouse at 5112 Rue Maxwell, where a fair-sized fire burned.

    “Pump!” hollered Heathcliff.

    Clambering into the cab, Bill pumped madly with his hardy legs, until finally water began to spurt from the hose. Holding his wig firmly to his head with one hand, Heathcliff used the other arm to point the nozzle at the fire, which was eventually extinguished.

    The two men returned to the fifth floor of the warehouse. 

    “Eventually, the growing prevalence of suspicious fires in the neighborhood compelled me to join a volunteer fire brigade, at which I excelled,” continued Heathcliff, breathlessly hanging his suit jacket before the wood stove, and shaking the moisture from his wig.

    “Now one day a curious thing happened. Whereas in past years, before I adopted you, I was sometimes a figure of horror and revulsion to passersby in the vicinity of the cemetery, now, due perhaps to my cane and my age, I was looked upon with approval by complete strangers. A wealthy widow, a dowager who had once been a fashion magnate, took a liking to me. We developed a close companionship, and one day I spoke to her at length.

    “‘Oh, Heathcliff,’ she said to me, ‘You live a life of such robustness for an older gentleman, volunteering in the fire brigade, serving as docent at the tomb of Camus, and operating a successful used bookstore.’ For she was attracted to the fact that I had become the model of a petty bourgeois.

    “‘Why, mademoiselle,’ said I to the dowager, “That’s not all. I once served on the Council of Paris, and therein lies a tale.”

    “‘Oh, Heathcliff, you’re a statesman!’”

    “And so I told the dowager my history, of how I emigrated to Paris from Quebec to study under the great Camus, but my mentor died in a car accident within months of my arrival. Within weeks, he was interred in the Pantheon with the other great individuals of France, and just as suddenly disinterred and moved to the common cemetery at Pere Lachaise, out of French whimsy. I alone remained to faithfully sweep grave every afternoon and vowed to take up residence in the bridge over the Seine until Camus should be restored to his rightful place.

    “‘Why Heathcliff, were you in Paris in the early 60s?’ she interrupted me to ask.”

    “Mais, oui, mademoiselle. After all, that was the era when anyone could be a genius, even the bartender in the Manhattan Bar, who pours out Curacao with one hand and gathers up his gonorrhea with the other…[T]he gentleman in the raincoat, who is about to start his seventh trip around the world, even Chuck the Drunk, who goose-stepped through the alleys of Montreal, carrying a bottle of vodka and wearing his high school letter jacket and a Russian fur cap, talking to himself; and many other strange characters as well.”

    “So, I told the dowager of my daily routine in those days, as mad as they were. I would clamber every afternoon out of my residence in the hollow arm of the bridge at the Isle de la Cite to sweep Camus’ grave. In the evenings I had a small business taking tourists on covert midnight tours of the Pantheon to show visitors the spot to which the great man would one day be returned. We were trespassing, of course, and because I was inexperienced, we would sometimes become lost. And even when we could find our way out, I was never able to direct them to the Closerie des Lilas, or the places where the night streetwalkers strolled.

    “Then in the evenings,” reminisced Heathcliff, “it always seemed there was some fool who had insulted the honor of my mentor. So in the hours past midnight, I could usually be found scouring the cafes and bars of the city for a disrespectful sot, to whom I would have to teach the dignity of his heritage.”

    “‘Oh, Heathcliff! Weren’t you frightened by all the violence?’

    “‘Madame,’ I told her gravely, ‘In the words of Jacques Lacan, there will always be brawling among men- but one day Camus will be returned to the Pantheon.’

    “‘Did you feel alienated?’ she asked.

    “‘Madame, I was a Frenchman! I attended the industrial strikes, and I wrote letters to the editor of the city newspapers. Eventually, just by going about my business, I attracted the attention of a gang of Dadaist sans culottes, who decided to run me as their candidate for the Council of Paris. I was elected councilor; but my bill to re-inter Camus in the Pantheon was tabled. The next year, it was the La Pennist sans-culottes who chose to run me, and again I was elected. But as a politician, I could achieve nothing. The following term, there were bloody clashes between the Dadaist and La Pennist sans-culottes in the streets of Paris, and I lost my seat. Returning to my bridge at the Isle de la Cite, I found that the city had welded shut the steam pipe. I then wandered for some days until I came to Maxwell Street.’

    “To make a long story short, the Dowager ran me for City Council again, and I won, more than

    25 years after I once held the office, and I serve there still. In fact,” said Heathcliff to Bill confidentially, “both Sartre and Simone de Beauvoir visited the Rue Maxwell after your departure and greeted me in the same old bookstore across the street.”

    “Incredible,” said Bill.

    “Butterfly,” said Heathcliff confidentially, sitting down, and leaning in close to his son, “the squatters of the Rue Maxwell have become a problem. I was never able to do anything about them while I was raising you, and now they want to burn down L’Academe, which has always been the fount and reservoir of the Committees of Conscience, from the time of the bookstore’s founding. Will you help me expel the squatters, and restart the Committees?”

    Bill bit his lip and closed his eyes. He didn’t know how to solve the problems on Maxwell Street, because nobody had ever tried. But he would go down to the Champs Elysees the next morning and buy 30 or 40 of the strongest locks he could find.

    “I’ll try,” said Bill at last.                                                                   

    #

    The next morning, as Bill was affixing a lock to the door of his old residence at 5106 Rue Maxwell. Heathcliff came hobbling up on his cane. “Follow me, ‘Butterfly’!” cried Heathcliff. “They’ve put up a barricade- the squatters are going to burn down L’Academe!”

    “I don’t think we’re prepared!” Bill shouted, tucking in the tails of his flannel shirt as he ran after his father. He raced down the slope and through the historic market, following the bobbing white wig as it disappeared and re-appeared amidst the maze of sunken temples and broken columns among which cattle once grazed. He almost stumbled over a trio of young Frenchmen shooting dice and kicked the dice out of the pit.

    “I run the dice games in this town,” Bill told them, as he leapt over their stupefied heads and chased the old Quebecois through the market.

    Already, there was screaming in the marketplace, and the musicians at the bandstand, switched to a few chords of ‘La Marseillaise,’ before they disbanded altogether, threw their instruments into a pile and ran for cover.

    At long last he came to L’Academe. Faces peered down through ivy-covered windows, far, far above the massive, featureless gray 12th century fortress wall. The gendarmerie, clad in riot gear, had cordoned off the face of the buildings, and shepherded the outraged squatters into a protest pen on the other side of Maxwell Street. Bill breathlessly caught up with Heathcliff. Already, the squatters had set up a barricade: shopping carts, overturned Yugos’ broken-up picnic benches, and the ticket-taking booth from a metro station had all been shoved into the middle of Maxwell Street.

    “Save L’Academe!” shouted Heathcliff hoarsely, as he banged with his fists on the barricade.

    “Fuck you, Petain!” screamed Bougard from across the street. “We’re not squatters- your Academe is the one that’s the trespasser!”

    At that moment, another young fellow walked up to Bill and Heathcliff. He was between the age of the adoptive father and son, and had long hair, a sparse but disorderly goatee, and tortoise-shell glasses.

    “Professor Heathcliff, I’m glad to see you are not standing over there, chanting with those retards,” said the newcomer warmly.

    “This fellow is Frere Fructidor whom I know from the old days,” said Heathcliff to Bill.

    “How are you, Jacques. How long before the National Guard shows up?”

    Suddenly a buzzing sound emerged overhead, but its source was invisible. “Is that them? Is that the National Guard?” asked Heathcliff, keeping one eye on the squatters as he looked down a side street.

    Fructidor unfolded a pair of opera glasses and studied the scene. “So many different uniforms,” he said thoughtfully. “Surely those are not French troops.”

    “Alors?”

    The trio were silent for a moment. “Could every country in Europe have sent their armies, just to protect L’Academe?” Bill asked incredulously, as he peered with his naked eyes at the distant scene.

    “No, there are French troops, after all,” Fructidor corrected himself. “On the right, there is the East German secret police. It looks like they are being led by ‘Iron’ Erich Mielke. Overhead on the left, we have two Med-Evac squadrons of the Transylvanian Coast Guard. But they are all being led by the French National Guard, in the center. The government has sent the very best,” said Fructidor.

    “The Three Musketeers Battalion. L’Academe is saved.”

    “Well done,” said Bill. “Dad, let’s go.”

    The entire crowd had broken into a riot. The squatters collided with one another and got hung. up upon the barricades and other wreckage which they themselves had hauled into the middle of the street.

    “Come here, Dad!” said Bill, grasping his adoptive father firmly by the arm. Bill was trying to hold onto Heathcliff amidst the tumult, when he felt something soft strike him in the back of the head and fell to the ground unconscious.

    #

    That was the third time that Bill had been knocked unconscious, all within the last two weeks. The first had been in a swampy forest clearing at the base of Karisimbi: a perplexing denouement to an entire venture notable for the failure of the well-intentioned to mediate its dialectical contradictions, such being necessary for its success.

    Bill remained with the camp on Mt. Karisimbi for seven years, notwithstanding the sexual abuse he uncovered that first fall. He grew to manhood serving on the anti-poaching team and learned to diligently protect the endangered mountain gorillas they had all come to love so deeply. Bill was fascinated by the contradictions which seemed to inhere so deeply within Dian, who was so dedicated to the gorillas that she sometimes lived in communion with them- but treated not only the Twa, but all Rwandan natives, with utmost disparagement.

    Her contradictions summoned within him, over the years, feelings first mysterious, then contemplative, and finally inflamed. Bill was inwardly enraged that his mentor could devote herself to such good works, yet at the same time accommodate such malign acts in her spare time. Nonetheless, there being no more visible abuse, Bill remained a dedicated part of the anti-Poaching project. He never foresaw how the failure to address and synthesize the conflict between the animal preservation and human rights movements would lead to such imminent tragedy.

    It was one of Dian’s own volunteers who initiated the violent conflict that apparently later claimed Dian’s life. A team of zoologists came upon the remains of one of Dian’s favorite gorillas, named Digit-a mere adolescent- on a mountain slope across the valley. Not long thereafter, one of Dian’s volunteers shot a herder, who Dian said was trespassing in the area, in the thigh with a high-powered rifle. After that, it was, ‘Katy, bar the door.’[1]

    A few days after, Bill was patrolling a mountain pass at the base of Karisimbi. Dian had come across a slope littered with gorilla scat, and since diarrhea was associated with sudden danger experienced by a gorilla family, she had sent the patrol to investigate. Poachers had of late taken to capturing infant gorillas for sale to zoos and massacring their families.

    The team leader led Bill and his group into a forest clearing to get a view of a mountaintop and get his bearings. In the mistaken belief that the clearing was unoccupied, Bill followed, soon learning that it was marshy up to his thighs 

    “Get down!” hissed Lukacs, the team leader. He quickly raised his rifle, pointed it across the clearing and pumped off several rounds. A scream issued from the other side.

    “Don’t do that!” shrieked Bill. “Why are you shooting that man?” Momentarily, Bill felt the dart enter his flesh just above his waist.

    He awoke days later, unsure how far he was from Karisimbi, or what time it was. Through daylight which hesitantly penetrated his chamber, he concluded after some time that he was in a Twa hut, lying on a blanket on a dirt floor. Across from him a withered, toothless old man sat calmly on his haunches, regarding him.

    “I know you,” said the man, gumming a betel nut. “You’re the White who saved our people from the Old Witch Woman who lives on top of Karisimbi.” He regarded Bill, who remained silent. “Don’t worry,” he said at last. “Red Cross be here this afternoon. 

    At length, the Twa elder lit a hashish pipe, which filled the spare chamber with intoxicating vapors. As the afternoon dragged on, a chorus of children began chanting traditional Twa songs. For some time, the songs seemed good-willed but untrained and rather atonal. Then they were interrupted by the sound of tires and a low engine. At length, guitar sounds emerged, and to Bill lying in the cannabis smoke, the Twa song was transformed into the most scintillating, buoyant Afropop.

    In the mid-afternoon, the elder came and led Bill from the hut. Sunlight filtered moderately Through a forest canopy. He accepted a ride with two staff from the Red Cross, a Brit and an Australian.

    “Where to, mate?” asked the British driver, once the Land Rover was safely en route.

    “Karisimbi,” said Bill.

    “What you going up there for?”

    “I’m a volunteer in Dian Fossey’s zoology camp,” he explained.

    “Fossey’s dead,” said the driver. “Murdered several days ago. The Rwandans want to charge an American student, but the consulate spirited him back to the States.”

    “Better take me up to Karisimbi,” said Bill. “I’d better get this sorted.”

    “Are you sure?” asked the driver.

    Bill was silent.

    “You’re a long way from a bowl of moules frites and bottle of Riesling, my friend,” said the Aussie. “Are you sure you don’t just want us to take you to the airport?”

    “Fuck it,” said Bill finally. “Take me to the airport.”

    #

  • Maladjusted Techies Gone Wild

    Maladjusted Techies Gone Wild

    “Who would like to start?” Michael says as he taps his pencil on his notepad. 

    Alexandra reaches into her purse, grabs a journal and holds it triumphantly into the air and exclaims, “I will start.”

    I recognize my journal and sink into my chair. The journal contains an idea I once had for a work of satire, maybe for the theatre, perhaps the big screen. I was sure my Orwellian piece would go further than my now estranged wife using it against me in couple’s therapy.

    She shows the cover to Michael, our therapist, and I cringe. What must he be thinking as he reads, “The Butt Sniffer.” written in black marker.

     “Nick told me,” she says in a voice that sounded rehearsed, “I don’t know, what’s it’s been now, for close to a year, huh, Nick? That he was going to stop paying his credit cards go so he can work on his writing, to follow his dreams, to show our kids what it means to sacrifice for… what did you call it Nick? A higher vision? What was it Nick? That without paying your credit card bills you would have more time to write?” 

     “Michael, can we start with a feeling check in?” I say. “Maybe we can all begin with “I” statements. Here’s mine: I feel violated… give me my fucking journal.” I spring from my chair and snatch it out of her hands.

    “See Michael, see this is Nick. It’s scary.”

    “You bring my journal into therapy!”

    “Alright, alright, everybody, let’s calm down. Let’s regroup.” 

    “She thinks this notebook is some kind of indictment on my character. Why don’t we read it out loud, so we can all be the judge  –“

             “I don’t – “ Michael says. 

    “No.” I say, interrupting him. “Thank you, Michael but no. This is client-driven therapy and I will read my journal like Alexandra wants.”

             Alexandra folds her arms and looks at me like I am filth.

    I begin with my Acknowledgement Page. Thank you and fuck you very much to Care Credit – you predatory-lending, high interest bastards so I could get my teeth fixed. Fuck you and Thank you Costco Card for all the diapers and baby wipes. Thank-you Visa Platinum and any creditor I forgot. Debt is an illusion and means nothing to me. I shall not pay thee.

    Dedication Page. I dedicate this work to my children. Kids, it is more important to be creative than kill yourself working to pay off credit card debt.

      I clear my throat and begin with both pride and trepidation.

    There was this… this creature… this girl, this woman running around with a child having fun, laughing, swinging, playing. I knew right away she wasn’t the mother because what mom at Lafayette Park in Low Pac Heights acts so spontaneous, free and joyful? To be fair, what dad does? And she had these–I don’t know what they were–some kind of workout pants or something. But they outlined a young, round healthy backside and you could almost, well you could damn near see her ass through her pants. 

    I witnessed three dads in the span of a half an hour stumble over to where she was and strike up a conversation with her. Yeah, whatever, not me. She said something to my Angela. And then to me. I remained (seemingly) aloof. We left. 

    That night I thought about that ass and prayed. I prayed earnestly to Jesus. Not to the evangelical Christian Jesus but to the mystical Jesus who whispered into the ears of a Jewish, atheistic Professor of Medical Psychology. That persistent, nail-biting Jesus whispered into the good doctor’s ears for a period of over seven years in iambic pentameter until the metaphysical masterpiece A Course in Miracles was completed. Nothing real can be threatened. Nothing unreal exists. Herein lies the peace of God is what Jesus said. Meaning this world ain’t shit. 

    I went to the bathroom and got on my knees resting my arms on the toilet clasping my hands together in the prayer position. Oh Lord Jesus, I know that that sweet ass does not truly exist. But I sure do believe it does. Please show me the way through that butt. Amen. And Jesus, if the way out of the butt is through the butt, well, I will accept whatever mission you have in store for me.

    The vibe in the room is riveting.  I think I have captured my listeners’ attention.  Ha.  Reading my notes for a screenplay in therapy!  I win again.  Oh, how I love myself. 

    I clear my throat: 

    The Butt Sniffer by Nick Freeman.

    Synopsis: The city of San Francisco is plagued with fear and chaos thanks to a demented, maladjusted techie. A coder or developer (it is believed) has been going around the city pulling down the pants of women or lifting their skirts, smelling their asses and running away. He usually strikes during morning commute times and it is believed that after he commits his crime he then runs to a waiting Facebook or Google commuter bus and makes a luxurious, air-conditioned, Wi-Fi enabled getaway to Silicon Valley.

    I look up and Michael is looking down writing notes. I hope he doesn’t think I am the butt sniffer and is deliberating whether or not to report me to the authorities. Who would pick up Angela at preschool if I were in jail? I continue:

    The mayor has seized this opportunity to divert the public’s attention from the housing crisis and growing income inequalities which make the city unaffordable for the working class, teachers and, public servants. The mayor holds press conferences relating to The Butt Sniffer, admonishes the tech community for their culture of sexism, praises the SFPD for their progress on the case, and thanks to the good citizens of San Francisco for coming together and rallying against The Butt Sniffer.

    The Chief of Police introduces the lead detective to a room full of patrol cops–a transgender (F to M) from Germany who speaks four languages and is on methadone for chronic hip pain. A former child and teenage prostitute in Berlin, Detective Lamb is mocked by his peers.  Detective Lamb stands, introduces himself and when he addresses the nature of the crimes, he involuntarily twitches his nose. This involuntary action of Detective Lamb will become uh… the butt of many jokes among the red-blooded butt patrol officers. 

    The national media has been camping out at City Hall, The Mission and SOMA, interviewing victims, witnesses and residents. One male reporter from FOX News is ostracized for asking one of the victims who was wearing a skirt at the time of the incident if the perpetrator actually touched her. “So, when he put his head underneath your skirt and sniffed did he make any skin contact at all?” The impetus being perhaps a crime was not committed. Is it really a crime to approach a skirt, peer underneath and inhale through the nostrils? FOX News, under pressure, fires the reporter but he quickly lands a job with Breitbart.

     I clear my throat again. Michael is looking at me and I think, but am not sure, that he is smirking. I feel so stimulated by my screenplay pitch. I am actually grateful Alexandra brought it the session. I decide not to embarrass her by asking her if she sees the irony in her bringing my screenplay to the session when she, not too long ago – before my credit was shot to hell – asked if I would finance a pair of butt implants. It’s all coming together now. Like butt cheeks squished in a pair of yoga pants:

    Somewhere in the city, a client has told his therapist that although he is a highly paid tech employee, he does not know how to interact with women and wishes he could just make out with their sweet asses. Like ‘just make out with a butt for like an hour,’ he says. And talk to it. He feels he could really open up to a woman and make progress as an individual if he could just process his fears and insecurities while kissing and licking an ass. The therapist does not know if he should report his client to the authorities and makes a mental note to confer with a colleague.

             I look up at Michael.  “Divinely channeled material, everybody.”  I’m such a liar.  Well, maybe everything is channeled from an abstract collective mind and downloaded to our individual brains.  Through that lens, I speak the truth.  Alexandra’s arms are still folded and her legs are crossed.  She looks at me like I am the anti-Christ.  I look back at Michael.  I get the sense he is deliberating on what to say. Meanwhile:

    Kim Kardashian has come to town in the name of activism, social justice, and me-tooism. She publicly taunts the butt sniffer to come do his thing in The Mission after she eats a carne asada burrito at a Taqueria. This causes a backlash, as…

              “Okay, Nick, I think we get the picture.” Michael says loudly. 

    “No.” I say, “Alexandra wanted this.  We are going to finish.  And it’s very therapeutic for me to do this. I have never shared my idea with anybody until now. And ultimately it is about looking at my own thoughts, attitudes and, beliefs in order to become a better man and father to my children, my daughter especially.”  I say. 

    I’ve got the decoupling therapy session in the palm of my hands.  “As an example of my growth, I used to resent Alexandra for watching The Kardashians. Then I realized it is all simply material for my own change, creativity and, transformation. Thank you, Alexandra.”  I say in a pious voice and bow my head, again redirecting my focus:

    A gay men’s group has petitioned City Hall demanding a public park be opened that makes it legal for consenting adults to sniff each other’s asses. The lesbian community is outraged and old wounds between the two communities are reopened. The Detective Lamb of dog jokes make the rounds.

    A group of citizens filed a billion-dollar class action lawsuit against multiple tech companies. Their claim is that they do not feel safe on the city streets and have developed PTSD-related symptoms. Tech, the lawsuit claims, has allowed a toxic, sexist culture to thrive, and it has oozed out into the streets and created The Butt Sniffer. A group of mental health workers hired as expert witnesses for the case has demanded the American Psychiatric Association add PTBSD (Post Traumatic Butt Sniffing Disease) to the DSM (Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders).

    Copycat Butt Sniffers have surfaced and now the city has multiple young white maladjusted techies going around San Francisco smelling women’s asses.

    A feminist group plans a parade with blow-up butts and signs such as ‘Come smell this’ with a big turd coming out of a giant inflatable ass. 

    The far-right attorney general is licking his chops as discussions in Washington involve sending in the National Guard to keep San Francisco safe from all the butt-sniffing going on around town. Once the Guard is in San Francisco they will have no problem infiltrating less liberal cities and the dystopian vision of America as a totalitarian police state will be closer to fruition. The deep state toasts The Butt Sniffer.

             I stop reading, spent, awash in a scene of achievement with even greater potential. “You get the gist. It is actually a pro-feminist, a pro-social justice piece of umm… satire.”

    “It’s ridiculous!” Alexandra says, “And such a waste of time.  There is no way a Hollywood studio would ever want to turn your disgusting little screenplay into a movie.”

             I ponder sharing my film production company idea. BackItUp Productions. A collective of progressive filmmakers who are committed to their craft, who take the principles of movements seriously, while maintaining a general attitude of irreverence towards anything of this world. Non-dual filmmaking.  

    I look over at Michael and am pleased to see the corners of his lips curl upwards and for half a second, he actually chuckles. I win again. I am not a loser.

             “Michael! He’s sick. He is so sick.” Alexandra says, her face red with anger. 

    Michael looks stumped.  I feel a little disturbed.  Are we hopeless?  Have Alexandra and I reached a point where a therapist can’t even help us break up? Did he just give us up by laughing?

    “Nick, you will eventually be looking for an apartment or room to rent soon.  How do you think your now low credit score will affect you getting permanent housing?” Michael asks.

    “Yeah, Nick, how do you think this will affect our children? You blowing off your credit so you can write screenplays about guys going around smelling asses. What is wrong with you?”

    Stimulated by the first public reading of my unfinished screenplay, I check out of the session and daydream of new scenes. I hope Michael doesn’t try to steal my idea.  Maybe I should not have abandoned it.