Author: litmag_admin

  • What Lies Above, Beneath, and Apart: Hemingway and Hemingway

    Let’s start with a thought experiment.

    Step One: Imagine two huge icebergs, one representing Ernest Hemingway’s writing and the other representing everything else in his life. Imagine that these two icebergs sometimes bump up against each other and sometimes drift apart. Imagine that these icebergs are like the one Hemingway uses to make an analogy with effective writing (especially his): its “dignity of movement . . . is due to only one-eighth of it being above the water” (Death in the Afternoon).

    Step Two: Imagine that you decide to sculpt a new, smaller iceberg by synthesizing core elements of the two huge ones. Imagine that you challenge yourself to make seven-eighths of this sculpture visible above the water even as it has its own dignity of movement. Imagine that you develop what you regard as a viable vision of this iceberg.

    Step Three: Imagine that you undertake the task of converting this vision into a 6-hour documentary about Hemingway’s life and work for PBS. Imagine how you will craft that conversion so that it both remains true to the sculpture in your mind’s eye and appeals to a contemporary PBS audience.

    I’ll pause to give you some time to conduct all three steps of the experiment.

    I start with this thought experiment for three reasons (1) It helps capture the ambitious and daunting task that Ken Burns and Lynn Novick took on in making Hemingway, their three-part documentary that recently aired on PBS (April 5, 6, and 7). (2) The experiment highlights the larger purpose of the documentary, its goal of replacing the myth of Hemingway with a far more accurate and layered view of the life and the writing. The myth constructs him as the epitome of machismo, a man with prodigious appetites and the will and means to satisfy them as well as a man with extraordinary talent who produced an enduring stream of what he liked to call true sentences. Burns and Novick retain the idea of the talent but complicate everything else in ways I’ll discuss below, and, in so doing, they reposition the writing within the life. (3) The experiment invites each of us to think about how we would have constructed the relations between the writing and the life in our own distinctive ways.

    These three reasons, in turn, underlie my reflections here. On the one hand, I want to celebrate Burns and Novick’s execution of their challenging project: in breaking through the myth, they construct a much more complex and interesting Hemingway, a strange blend of strengths and weaknesses, virtues and vices, who has had more than the usual allotments of good fortune and bad.   On the other hand, when I took Steps One and Two of the thought experiment, I gave more attention to the writing than Burns and Novick do, and this attention led me to a different vision of the sculpted iceberg than the one that emerges in their documentary. I want to discuss my sense of the writing iceberg not to find fault with the documentary but use it as a spur to move some of what’s submerged there above the water line of the synthetic one.   First, though, a little more on Burns and Novick’s Hemingway.

    In keeping with its myth-busting purposes, the documentary gives considerably more attention to the life than to the writing for two interrelated reasons. First, the myth about the life dominates Hemingway’s legacy in American culture. He is a figure that many people who have never read his writing know something about—and even have opinions about. Changing those views requires a new biography more than new analyses of the writing. Second, the genre of documentary lends itself to a greater focus on the life because it is a fundamentally narrative genre, and because Hemingway’s life is filled with tellable events. Giving pride of place to the writing—or even giving it equal prominence—would be extremely difficult because its narrative raw material would be the single event, repeated multiple times, of the writer sitting down to write. Hard to imagine that even the PBS audience would sit still for much of that.

    In keeping with the goal of humanizing Hemingway, Burns and Novick give the greatest attention to his intense and fraught relationships with his four wives, Hadley Richardson, Pauline Pfeiffer, Martha Gellhorn, and Mary Welsh. Using Geoffrey Ward’s script, voiced by Peter Coyote, to supply the baseline narrative, the filmmakers show the good, the bad, and the ugly in Hemingway’s behavior toward these women. Ward’s script includes testimony from the women themselves and Burns and Novick enlist accomplished actors to voice that testimony: Keri Russell (Hadley), Patricia Clarkson (Pauline); Meryl Streep (Martha); and Mary-Louise Parker (Mary). More generally, Burns and Novick’s skills as visual storytellers lead them to interweave these voices with Hemingway’s (ventriloquized through Jeff Daniels) and with a range of other materials—photographs, newspaper articles, and newsreel footage—that often bring in other events. Although Burns and Novick do not offer substantial new revelations about Hemingway’s life, they call attention to some things that have circulated more widely among scholars than among the general public. Especially noteworthy is their attention to his interest in bending and even blurring standard gender roles and the consequences of that blurring for sexual encounters. Above all Burns and Novick succeed in making visible what lies beneath Hemingway’s behavior throughout his adult life, identifying both distant and proximate causes of it. Among the distant causes are his mother’s increasing disapproval and his own disappointment in his father; his being jilted by his first love, Agnes von Kurowsky, the British nurse he met in Italy, while serving as an ambulance driver during World War I, and whom he thought he was going to marry; his witnessing of combat and his own wounding. The more proximate causes include his willingness to promote an image of himself that eventually he could not live up to; his multiple concussions; his alcoholism (called his “overdrinking” by Mary); and of course the complex personalities and histories of the women he loved. Burns and Novick also make judicious use of interviews with Hemingway’s son Patrick, with Hemingway scholars and biographers, and with the psychiatrist Andrew Farah as they round out their portrait of the artist as a fascinating and flawed, charming and repulsive, young, middle-aged, and aging man.

    Even as they give greater prominence to the life, Burns and Novick make a valiant effort to highlight the writing and to explicate its power. The first image they show is the typescript for the opening of A Farewell to Arms, and they continue to sprinkle images of manuscript pages throughout the documentary, including ones for all the novels, for the nonfiction books, and for multiple short stories (“Up in Michigan, “Indian Camp,” “Hills Like White Elephants,” “The Snows of Kilimanjaro” and more). In addition, they employ the actor Jeff Daniels to read numerous excerpts from the writing, and Daniels does an exemplary job of bringing out the tones and rhythms of Hemingway’s remarkable prose. Furthermore, as Daniels reads, Burns and Novick guide their audiences to engage more deeply with the writing by putting evocative images on the screen, ones that capture moods while opening up rather than closing down interpretations.   To pick just a few telling examples: a dock in the gloaming to illustrate the setting of “Up in Michigan”; an oar pulling through the still water of a lake for the ending of “Indian Camp”; the exterior of stone building with a substantial set of stairs leading to an empty street for A Farewell to Arms and its final sentence (about which more below), “After a while I went out and left the hospital and walked back to the hotel in the rain.”

    Having prompted this engagement with the writing, Burns and Novick then rely on the commentary of a wide range of thoughtful, well-informed experts to explain how and why it’s often so powerful (and sometimes not). These experts include Hemingway’s recent biographers, Mary Dearborn and Verna Kale; notable contemporary fiction writers, including Michael Katakis (executor of the Hemingway estate), Tobias Wolff, Edna O’Brien, Tim O’Brien, Mario Vargas Llosa, Paul Hendrickson, and Abraham Verghese; and first-rate literary critics, including Stephen Cushman, Miriam Mandel, Susan Beegel, Marc Dudley, and Amanda Vaill. They even bring in John McCain to discuss his life-long engagement with For Whom the Bell Tolls.

    All these commentators are smart, engaging, and insightful. Wolff, for example, characterizes Hemingway’s effect on the writers who came after him by saying that “he changed all the furniture in the [writers]’ room.” Edna O’Brien frequently pushes back against the common view that Hemingway was a thorough misogynist and goes so far as to suggest that parts of A Farewell to Arms, her choice for his best novel, could have been written by a woman. Other arresting comments include on-target descriptions mingled with praise: Hemingway remade the language (Vaill); he goes beyond previously accepted boundaries (Katakis); he works against the modernist grain of difficulty that characterizes the fiction of James Joyce and William Faulkner (Cushman); he articulates a view of war that no one had ever articulated as clearly and powerfully before (Wolff); he creates a male character in “Hills Like White Elephants” whose subtle but incessant pushing to get his own way women will readily recognize (Mandel). Furthermore, in keeping with the myth-busting purpose of the film, these commentators also discuss what they regard as ethical failures in the man (his seemingly gratuitous meanness to other writers, even those who had advanced his career) and aesthetic ones in the writer such as Across the River and into the Trees.

    Yes, yes, yes, I nod. And then I think back to my thought experiment and what I would want to do to make what lies beneath the writing more visible. If I were to convert my vision of the sculpted iceberg into a documentary film, I might well use the same commentators, especially Wolff, Edna O’Brien, Cushman, and Mandel, but I would ask them to comment more consistently on the interrelations of three aspects of the writing: (a) the material Hemingway works with, (b) his treatment of that material, and (c) how that treatment guides readers’ inferencing about the characters and events in ways that significantly influence readers affective, ethical, and aesthetic responses. I even think such commentary would appeal to the PBS audience. To illustrate what I have in mind, I’ll discuss two texts that figure prominently in the first episode of the documentary (entitled “The Writer”), “Indian Camp,” and A Farewell to Arms.

    In “Indian Camp,” as Geoffrey Ward’s summary efficiently indicates, Nick accompanies his doctor father on an early morning trip to the eponymous camp, where he watches his father perform a successful but extremely painful Caesarean section with a jackknife on an Indian woman who undergoes the procedure without anesthesia. Once the operation is over, Nick and his father discover that the woman’s husband, who has been lying in the bunk above his wife, has slit his throat. That discovery changes the direction and emphasis of the story; rather than being one about birth and new life (and Nick’s father’s horribly insensitive treatment of the Indian woman—he tells Nick that “her screams are not important”), it becomes one about suicide and death. The ending, which Daniels reads with his typical skill, brings the story to an affecting conclusion, as Nick first asks his father questions about suicide and about dying and then retreats into his own thoughts. Here are the story’s last lines:

    “Is dying hard, Daddy?”
    “No, I think it’s pretty easy, Nick. It all depends.”

    They were seated in the boat. Nick in the stern, his father rowing. The sun was coming up over the hills. A bass jumped, making a circle in the water. Nick trailed his hand in the water. It felt warm in the sharp chill of the morning.

    In the early morning on the lake sitting in the stern of the boat with his father rowing, he felt quite sure that he would never die.

    Burns and Novick bring in Wolff and Cushman for commentary. Wolff makes the astute observation that Hemingway is working with sensational material but handles it in an unsensational way. Cushman nicely underlines the paradox of the ending, the juxtaposition of Nick’s knowledge that he’s going to die with his denial of that knowledge. Good stuff, as far as it goes. But let’s go a little further beneath the surface.

    Hemingway makes the sensational unsensational by restricting his audience to Nick’s perspective and, thus, having us take in the events as Nick does and then follow his struggle to process them. Furthermore, Hemingway’s treatment of that struggle demonstrates his impressive ability to deploy both dialogue and the representation of consciousness to guide his audience’s inferencing. Hemingway uses the dialogue to show that, although Nick’s father answers Nick’s questions with genuine care for Nick, the answers themselves are not particularly helpful because his father is not able to adopt Nick’s perspective. When Nick’s father says that the difficulty of dying “all depends,” the natural follow up would be “it depends on what, Daddy?” but Nick’s silence signals that he has now stopped trying to get insight from his father.

    Cushman’s comment on the ending perceptively points to the way the details of the scene play into Nick’s denial or evasion. But digging deeper reveals how much Hemingway both trusts and subtly guides his audience. Hemingway reports Nick’s misguided conclusion without any narratorial comment because Hemingway knows that his audience knows that he knows that Nick is in denial here. (That’s a mouthful, I realize, but one I hope you’ll find worth chewing on.) What’s more, Hemingway affectively aligns his audience with Nick, despite his denial, in part by inviting us to see how nature seems to support Nick’s conclusion. The rising sun, the jumping bass, the warm lake water juxtaposed with the chilly air: as we follow Nick’s perception of these things, we also feel his connection with the ongoing stream of life. Feeling that connection leads us to empathize with Nick in denial, even as we find it poignant. More generally, Hemingway turns the genre of loss-of-innocence narratives on its head by making “Indian Camp” a story in which the protagonist denies that he has lost his innocence. Paradoxically, however, the inferencing that Hemingway guides us through makes us register Nick’s loss even more deeply. We come away empathizing with Nick and admiring the artistry of his creator.

    The beginning and the ending of A Farewell to Arms provide even greater opportunities to reveal what lies beneath the writing iceberg. Here’s the famous opening paragraph, which Burns and Novick reproduce via a nice variation of their usual pattern with Hemingway’s writing. Daniels reads the first sentence and then forms a duet with Edna O’Brien, who reads the middle sentences with him; Daniels then yields the floor to O’Brien who reads the last one. This strategy highlights the rhythms of Hemingway’s prose.

    In the late summer of that year we lived in a house in a village that looked across the river and plain to the mountains. In the bed of the river there were pebbles and boulders, dry and white in the sun, and the water was clear and swiftly moving, and blue in the channels. Troops went by the house and down the road and the dust they raised powdered the leaves of the trees. The trunks of the trees too were dusty and the leaves fell early that year and we saw the troops marching along the road and the dust rising and leaves, stirred by the breeze, falling and the soldiers marching and afterward the road bare and white except for the leaves.

    Cushman calls this passage a demonstration of “rhythmic mastery” that also “breaks all the rules” (no one before Hemingway would use “and” fifteen times in four sentences), and O’Brien suggests that Hemingway is applying what he learned about rhythm and repetition from Bach’s music to English prose. Again, good stuff, but let’s dig deeper by looking at material, treatment, and inferencing.

    Material: nature in the form of the river, the plain, the mountains, the blue water moving swiftly in the river channels, the leaves on the trees; humans whose presence disrupts that nature.

    Treatment: the first-person perspective of a soldier in the village, who, we learn later, is a young American called Frederic Henry.

    Inferencing: Hemingway guides his audience to see more about the scene than Frederic himself does. More specifically, Hemingway invites his readers to recognize that (a) the causal connections between the presence of the troops and the disruption of nature—”the dust they raised powdered the leaves of the trees . . . and the leaves fell early that year”—and thus the general destructiveness of the war; and that (b) Frederic does not register those connections, restricting himself to his faithful recording of one thing after another. All those “ands” are crucial to this inferencing.

    Similarly, later in the chapter Frederic does not seem to register Hemingway’s implicit association between the effect of the rain and the effect of the troops: “. . . in the fall when the rains came the leaves all fell from the chestnut trees and the branches were bare and the trunks black with rain.”  By guiding his audience to see Frederic’s situation more clearly than Frederic does, Hemingway constructs Frederic as an unreliable interpreter of his own situation.

    Hemingway then uses the last two sentences of the chapter to nail down this discrepancy between his audience’s inferencing and Frederic comprehension: “At the start of the winter came the permanent rain and with the rain came the cholera. But it was checked, and in the end only seven thousand died of it in the army.” Who says, “only seven thousand died”? Who confines the casualties of the cholera to those in the Allied army? A committed ironist, a military official trying to minimize casualties, or a callow young American volunteer in the ambulance division who has not thought much about war. Frederic does not qualify as an ironist, given the earnestness of his recording, and he is no military official.

    In sum, underneath that stylistically brilliant first chapter, Hemingway invites his readers to infer how much innocence and naivete Frederic has to lose and how much he needs to learn about the war and the world.

    In contrast to the Nick Adams of “Indian Camp,” Frederic not only loses his innocence and naivete but recognizes the loss. Indeed, he learns a lot about the war and the world from Catherine Barkley, who once tells him that she’s afraid of the rain because she sees herself dead in in it. (The issue of how Hemingway’s ideas about gender influence his construction of Catherine’s character is a complex one that I won’t get into here, except for a few comments below.) After Frederic makes his farewell to military arms, he and Catherine establish their own happy but fragile existence in Switzerland. That happiness is permanently shattered when Catherine dies in childbirth, along with their baby. Burns and Novick use their commentators to emphasize how much Hemingway struggled with how to end the novel after Catherine’s death—the ms. shows forty-seven different attempts! The documentary, however, does not address why the ending Hemingway chose works so well, and, thus, misses an especially ripe occasion to make visible more of what lies beneath the surface of his deceptively simple prose.  

    Material: what should the final part be? A philosophical reflection along the lines of the famous “If people bring so much courage to this world, the world has to kill them to break them” passage? Indeed, why not use that exact passage? Or should the narrative end with a line of dialogue? Or a report of Frederic’s actions in the immediate aftermath of Catherine’s death? Or something else?

    Treatment: Once that choice is made, what’s the optimal way handle it? Should Frederic explicitly express his grief and sorrow about losing Catherine? Or should the emotion be suppressed? If suppressed, how to invite his readers to recognize it?

    Hemingway opts for the report of a final action and treats it by returning to the style of the opening chapter: “Troops went by the house and down the road and . . .” becomes “I went out and left the hospital and walked. . . .”

    Inferencing: The style is similar, but Frederic’s voices are radically different. The first chapter is in the voice of Frederic the naïve ambulance driver. The last sentence is in the voice of the enlightened man who feels Catherine’s absence and the destructiveness of the world in every fiber of his being but who is not himself destroyed by those feelings. This man now understands rain as a synecdoche for that destructiveness but who carries on despite its presence. As Hemingway matches voice to action, he invites his readers to recognize that, in taking these small steps back into the world, Frederic is not yet strong at the broken places but is deliberately (in both senses) advancing toward such a condition. The final sentence, then, though suffused with Frederic’s grief, also indicates the completion of his transformation from the unreliable character narrator of Chapter 1 to a character narrator wholly aligned with the perspective and values of his creator. From this perspective, Hemingway chose well among the forty-seven options he considered for the ending. We may cry, as Edna O’Brien did, in reading this novel, but we also come away moved by its aesthetic power.  

    After such responses, we may also want to raise questions or objections. Here are just a few. Does Hemingway, despite initially giving her a perspective aligned with his—and showing that she is one who is strong at the broken places—treat her as a disposable woman, important primarily for her service to both Frederic and his own artistic ends? Even as he transforms his experience with Agnes in his construction of the Catherine-Frederic relationship, does Catherine’s fate include a tinge (or more) of vengeance against Agnes? Does Hemingway overdo it with the emphasis on the world’s destruction and on his use of the rain? (Riddle: What’s Hemingway’s answer to “why did the chicken cross the road?” Answer: “To die. In the rain.”) But I would suggest that these questions become more intriguing when put into dialogue with the answers that emerge from a focus on Hemingway’s handling of material, treatment, and inferencing.                                                                                                                                                                                                                                           

    There’s a lot more to say about that handling in Hemingway’s other work, but I hope this much indicates how I’d go about saying it. I turn now to why I think the sculpted iceberg needs to include several holes.

    The sculpture needs the holes to signal that the relations between the life and the writing can never be fully explained, and it needs more than one to signal that there are multiple gaps in those relations. The first, and perhaps largest gap, is between formative experiences and ultimate achievement. When Burns and Novick look to the life for experiences that help explain Hemingway’s famous style, they highlight such things as his extended childhood engagements with the music of Bach; his experience as a journalist for the Kansas City Star who insisted that their writers should: “Use short sentences. Use short first paragraphs. Use vigorous English”; and his reading of Gertrude Stein with an eye toward her experiments with repetition and syntax. Influences, yes. Explanations, no. How many others played Bach, wrote short sentences and paragraphs, and read Stein, and how many of them became accomplished writers?

    A second gap is between specific experiences and the transformation of those experiences into powerful fiction. A Farewell to Arms is based on Hemingway’s experiences in World War I, including his relationship with Agnes. But A Farewell to Arms is far from a roman á clef, and the departures from Hemingway’s personal experience are crucial to the success of the narrative, especially the different trajectory of the relationship between himself and Agnes and the one between Frederic and Catherine.  Where do those departures come from? Not from other direct experiences, but rather Hemingway’s own imagination in combination with his sense of what the narrative needs. In other words, the transformation of experience into powerful fiction depends not just on the experiences themselves but also on the writer’s ability to see beyond the experiences to their significance. This transformation also depends on the writer’s sense, often intuitive but sometimes deliberately conscious, of how introducing something that departs from the experience can have ripple effects on the rest of the narrative. A third gap arises because writing is itself its own activity in which one learns by doing and in which what one learns has an existence apart from whatever else is happening in one’s life. How does one get to Stockholm for the Nobel Prize in Literature? Practice, practice, practice—and, to adapt what Michael Katakis says at the beginning of the documentary, be like “so many other people, except [have] enormous talent.”

    In a sense, Burns and Novick devote six hours of filmmaking to unpacking Katakis’s description of Hemingway as such a man and to looking for connections between his fundamental similarities to so many others and that enormous talent. If I’m right about what stands apart between the life and the writing, it is inevitable that Hemingway succeeds more with the similarities than with their connections to that talent. Inevitable and perfectly fine because the life is captivating. Nevertheless, it’s the writing that fuels the interest in the life, and just how Hemingway was able to produce it will, I suspect, never be fully explained. What we can do, however, is continue to increase our understanding of what lies beneath its surfaces.

  • Vijay R. Nathan’s Breakdown Dancer Takes the Floor

    How many poetry books offer playlists to accompany your reading?  Breakdown Dancer by Vijay R. Nathan contains three “Anthems”, song sets ranging from Lady Gaga to Robert Palmer, that underscore a book of compelling generosity and experience.

    If “dystopia” and “end times” have become buzzwords of mid-Covid zeitgeist, Nathan enters the conversation with “breakdown”, a term that encompasses the macro crises going on out there in the world, but more particularly in his case, the personal journeys of his speaker.  The voyager in Nathan’s work is someone who brings philosophy, spirituality, identity, and romance to a life’s journey. He describes in these poems frayed religious and family heritage, mental crises, love, loss, and absurd moments of redeeming humor. From the title poem, “Breakdown dancer”:

    “It has long been understood that manic-depressives run
    in fancy panties.
     
    Back up dancers who have a clever retort
    to anxiety drive thoughts are more likely
    to develop the ‘Disquiet’…
     
    …An ambulance screams ‘Applesauce!
    Applesauce!’”  
     

    Nathan writes mostly in free verse, but he also deploys several poetic forms.  Check out the “Motel 6 Rendezvous”, a paradelle.  There are several sonnets, a couple of ekphrastic poems, and a humorous, slightly disturbing tangle of text messages that comprise “This is Not Not a Love Poem”, which begins with the enticing, “I want to axe-throw with you.”

    His language is sometimes straightforward; some poems, narrative.  But many poems are lyrical and absurdist.  They capture the tricks and traps of spiritual inquiry, longing for love, or just lived experience in a fractured age, that quest for wisdom balancing on the blade of a knife, with downfall and mirage waiting to either side.  Nathan takes us through these slips and insights with vivid, humorous imagery, as in “Everybody’s Got Something to Hide Except Me and Nietzsche”:

    “Now, a fleeing philosopher, as evasive
    as he is indirect, his moustache is coated
    with chocolate milk.
                            Neptune sends
    Mercury flying into retrograde Friedrich
    leans in, his eyes shut.”  

     

    Some poems trace his growing up on Staten Island.  “Pradakshina”, Hindu for ritual circumambulation, depicts his yearning in middle school for a girl who circles his block on her bike.   

    Several poems explore dimensions of Nathan’s identity as a first-generation Indian American moving through the world.  “Sacred Threads” describes a series of encounters, ranging from his students to his father, that probe his own sense of who he really is.

    “I place ‘Other’ as my ethnicity. I no longer assert I’m Hindu
    having laid claim as Western Buddhist, only to be commonly
    asked: “What’s really the difference?”
     
    My dad jokingly asserts that perhaps it was a waste to give me a
    sacred thread ceremony if it only took a decade for me to find a
    new path into Truth.
     
                Om, shante, shante, shante.”

     

    “An Indian-American Travels in Poland on a Night Train” bridges questions of identity—a stripper confuses the speaker for an African American—with one of the psycho-medical breakdowns that occur throughout this book.  Hospital experiences give rise to feverish perceptions like this one from “Above Us Only Sky”:

    “The mother coughs, momentarily turns blue
    Blue is the color of Lord Krishna’s skin…
    …The past leaves a wondrous rainbow of scars
    Professionals categorize the illness
    The illness is something he cannot control.” 

    Profound poems arise, too as revelations from a spiritual journey that moves beyond history, failed romantic love, and even the consolations of philosophy.  “The Place Where All Things Converge” begins with the solidity of Information Sciences (Nathan is a librarian by training) and leads to mysterious experience:

    “Sometimes, this cherry picking uncoils
    Kundalini,
    manifesting past apparitions, they appear
    everywhere.”   

     

    Global travels bring back such souvenirs as joining Buddhist monks on their daily alms-gathering (“Alms Rounds in Fang Valley”).  The book’s final poem, “Sphinx of Black Quartz, Judge My Vow” is a complex exploration of the uses and misuses of mindfulness as practiced and sold today.  This pilgrim travels with open eyes and a ready pen.

    Some poems jump off from familiar experiences: drinks at a rooftop bar, “#NoFilter”; overheard conversations, “Indoor Voices”; or flights of sci fi fantasy when cornered in a bookstore by an aggressive match maker, “The Anarchy Acrobats”.  These poems may start from an everyday urban encounter, but in Nathan’s hands, they can soar into visions of giddy silliness.  And silliness can redeem a lot of breakdown.

    Love poems abound: requited, unrequited, soulful and sweet.  “Friendship Exchanges, Or The Sun, the Moon and the Light” traces in seven pairs of contrasting lines and a central one, “It’s never about us when you’re with me”, the evolution and devolution of a close friendship.

    Spending time in the world of Vijay R. Nathan is entering into a kaleidoscope of information, insight and heart. (Full disclosure, he has published my work in Nine Cloud Journal, which he edits.)  Breakdown Dancer explores a questing, open, generous need to really know and love the world, for all its downfalls and dystopias.  These poems play the dating game without being too bitter; recall the past without being too regretful; portray illness and breakup without being too despairing; and seek a way forward with honesty, bravery, and humor.

    A companion like this can go a long way in times like these.

  • Wikipoems

    Wikipoems

    Synchronicity

     

    a person was embedded in an orderly framework
    an “intervention of grace”
    appears to be inconceivable
    but rather an expression of a deeper order
    with an impeccably “geometrical” idea of reality.

     

    a phenomenon of energy, a governing dynamic
    which underlies the whole of human experience
    and history within the bounds of intelligibility
    it is impossible to examine all chance happenings
    meaningfully related in spite of efforts made on both sides
    it breaks whenever they touch it.

     

    “That’s the effect of living backwards,
    conscious thinking to greater wholeness
    plum pudding on the menu and “acausal parallelism.”
    it was a fairly large flying insect that was knocking against the window-pane
    falling together in time without apparent cause,
    the cause can be internal.

     

    This experience punctured the desired hole in her,
    attempts to sweeten her rationalism with a somewhat
    more human understandinga complicated apparatus.

     

    Identification of non-existent patterns
    confirms one’s preconceptions,
    and like the “man in the moon”, or faces in wood grain
    “nothing can happen without being caused”
    and probably never will be.

     

    Hypnagogia

     

    During this “threshold consciousness”
    “half-asleep” or “half-awake”, or “mind awake body asleep”
    or a doorbell ringing.

     

    the experience of the transitional state continues
    with increasing sophistication.

     

    Lucid thought, lucid dreaming, hallucinations, and sleep paralysis
    range from the vague and barely perceptible to vivid
    inspiration (artistic or divine).

     

    The phenomenon of seeing the chess board and pieces
    usually static and lacking in narrative content,
    representing movement through tunnels of light.
    Edgar Allan Poe, for example, wrote of the “fancies”

     

    people may drift in and out of sleep. The edges of sleep
    monochromatic or richly colored, still or moving,
    flat or three-dimensional (representational) images turning
    abstract ideas into a concrete explanation
    for at least some alien abduction experiences,

     

    intrude into wakefulness in to a decline
    in speckles, lines or geometrical patterns,
    including form constants, or as its corresponding neurology,
    (exploding head syndrome).

     

    It is not to be confused with daydreaming.

     

    Kansas

     

    in the Midwestern United States
    it is often said to mean “people of the (south)
    constructed homesteads
    when waves of immigrants turned the prairie into farmland.

     

    At the same time, they became known as Exodusters.

     

    in the 1850s, in the midst of political wars
    Tribes in the eastern part of the supercell thunderstorms;
    was first claimed as the evidence of a spiritual experience
    referred to as the baptism of the Holy Spirit in 1901.

     

    a hotbed of violence and chaos in its early days as these forces collided,

     

    in the summer and spring,
    Mount Sunflower is built on one of the world’s largest salt deposits
    “Queen of the Cowtowns.”  is prone to severe weather
    the “Cathedral of the Plains” is located as the home of Dorothy Gale,

     

    also home of the Westboro Baptist Church,

     

    in children’s literature,
    Wild Bill Hickok lying in the great central plain of the United States,
    indeed “flatter than a pancake”
    producing high yields of wheat, corn, sorghum, and soybeans.

     

    His application to that body for a fictional town of Manifest,

     

    in villages along the river valleys
    the Wild West-era commenced in a sequence of horizontal
    to gently westward dipping sedimentary rocks
    as sunny as California and Arizona.

     

    Wagon ruts from the trail are still visible in the prairie today.

  • You are the bull’s eye

    You are the bull’s eye.
    You are the bull’s eye in my dream.
    Your eye, directed at me
    In the field.
    I am so much field.
    Your eye in the field
    Does violence to me.
    I lose sight of your eye
    And I do violence to you.
    Neither of us touch each other.
    Though we move
    To each other as to a target.
    But the bull in the field is stone.
    In the field I let you go like some flash
    I would carry in my retina.
    I fantasize about the stone in my retina.
    The stone, a thing that presses down.
    I cannot see past it.
    My retina got stuck in the pool of itself.  
    You are my retina like a rind.
    You are my retina like a rind of stone.
    You are the image of my origin, pressing down
    On me like a father or mother.
    I press my nails into your image.
    I get lost there.
    I need help against you even though you don’t exist.
    I milk my longing for you
    Like I’m a cow with an udder full of milk.
    I produce the milk of pain.
    All the milk of pain floods my eyes like a swamp.
    I swim in the thick of you.
    You smell like a rind.
    I do not know where you are, but I press my nails into you,
    I scrape against you
    With my love.
    The stone of you scrapes me. But that is just a dream.
    This is a dream field, a field dream. 
    My body is intact,
    Blank as shot.
     
    I mirror you. I am alone.
     
    I repeat my location to myself.
    You are a scorpion in my eye.
    My eye is a large scar of you.
    I cannot see past my scar.
    I cannot see past the scorpion.
    I suck the rind of your stone.
    I suck your rind like I suck on history.
    It goes beyond the edges of my body.
    I wish I could enter the stone.
    I want to enter the stone.
    The stone that drops like a horrid tear.
    I suck your foundations.
    But you are not a stone.
    I have no mouth.
    I have no body.
    I cannot tell. Drowning in everything
    That has no angle,
    Like a swamp, like a sea.
    This is not love.
    This is not love.
    This is simply a book being written.
    This is desire bleeding out the sides
    Of the page,
    Desire like a balloon,
    Desire like a bull with its one horn
    And your one horn of eye
    Or mine
    As we divide each other
    With a desire,
    As we divide each other 
    Like a piece of writing
    I read,
    A piece of writing,
    Piece by piece
    Like tasting a horn,
    A bullet,
    A thing that penetrates
    The field
    Like an eye
    But in the eye is also the field
    And it is the eye that fills up
    It is the eye that is an opening
    A net
    To catch desire,
    To hold it like a rind
    Of origin, an origin
    Of smithereen,
    An eye that opens and opens
    Until there is nothing to see
    Or be seen, nowhere to see
    Or be seen, although a voice
    Keeps opening onto the
    Field, opening
    Like a grain in a sea,
    And the grain is buoyant.
    The grain does not sink.
    It is the grain that reveals
    The surface of a depth,
    That tells the story
    Of all that moves before it,
    So we can see what moves the grain,
    So we can tell of all that
    Moves the grain.
     
  • When the Staleys Came to Visit

    Where Harry and Helen Staley would sleep was obvious; Winnie would give up her full-sized bed and take the couch. She scrubbed the grimy black and white tile in the bathroom. She shopped for sophisticated snacks that would appeal to anyone: figs; a wedge of brie; a can of salted mixed nuts; two bottles of wine, one red, one white, each under six dollars, which would stretch her budget at that; and some sparkling water. New York had the best water, she heard people say, and had learned to repeat it. Harry wouldn’t mind drinking from the tap: he was originally from Brooklyn, and when he wanted to amuse the students in his James Joyce class in Albany, he spoke like he had marbles in his mouth, shaking his jowls, “Ahm from Brookluhn.” When he did that, Winnie, who sat on the left side of the first row, imagined him as a little boy in tweed knickers, knocking a ball out of a scrappy baseball field with a wad of age-inappropriate tobacco in his cheek. On the other hand, she wasn’t sure if Helen would drink tap water.

    It was Harry who had been her professor. Semester after semester she took every class of his that was on offer: The History of the English Language, its centuries of root words tugging at her; James Joyce, if only for the dirty Molly Bloom bits; Romantic Poetry, and how romantic it was when he read to them, Keats, of course; Shelley, of course.

    Thou wovest dreams of joy and fear,

    which makes thee terrible and dear–.

    Their visits began in his office. Winnie would drop in, enraptured by a line from a book or poem, and flop down on the spare chair in his office hoping to get him talking. He would slip back and forth between his Brooklyn rogue and his Irish brogue. He smiled first and twinkled second and welcomed her back anytime third. One time she went to visit him, and another student sat in that same chair to talk about an actual paper. She listened outside the door, searching for the same fondness in his voice, and was comforted that it was nowhere to be found. He was wearing her favorite sweater of his, a sea green stitched wool with a moth hole in the elbow. If she could, she would have borrowed it to wear down the second elbow. On his desk were pads written on with a slanted Palmer-trained handwriting in stubby pencil, not pen.

    Their visits continued at the Monday night open mic poetry readings at the QE2 bar on Central Avenue where he turned up to read poetry about his Irish heritage and Catholic upbringing.

    I attended children’s mass,

    lulled by Latin, carefully Young Father Smith revealed the host,

    omnipotent and bright,

    larger than a quarter.

     “But not a drop of the blood to pass my lips,” he said later, winking at her. She was sure he’d seen her outside earlier smoking, and she’d felt mortified, and stomped out the filter, aware of her stench. The feeling was a knotted mess: getting away with something, but craving approval. Maybe it was the poetry, maybe it was the moth hole, maybe it was the stubby pencils. Maybe she wanted to get too close.

    And finally, they met across his own threshold in a historical building on State Street, in his formal parlor, a baby Steinway with no sign of play and lots of upholstery and creaky wooden floors and mouldings and furniture. During her first visit, Helen buzzed about the background of their pre-war galley kitchen, making tea. Until she didn’t hang back. She was small, but her presence formidable. She drove a long white Chevy Impala, and at 4’11” her hands reached up to the steering wheel like a young child’s. It was impossible to see her little head behind the wheel unless she was wearing her formidable black fur hat.

    It didn’t take long for Winnie to understand herself to be witness to the strange dynamics of a marriage. Before her visits to State Street, marriage hovered in her mind like an abstract dollhouse that she’d never fit into, only with car payments and a shared bank account. Most often, marriage looked like divorce.

    With a cup of tea balanced on a saucer that was balanced on her knee, Winnie noticed that for every word that Harry uttered, Helen uttered twelve. At first, she finished his sentences. Soon, she covered them over before they could get a running start. He sat like a scolded child with his hands folded in his lap, sulking in a deep chair. This gathering morphed into a strange triangulation, a daydream where Harry struggled to push open a heavy mahogany door, only to have it slammed shut by Helen. Winnie wanted to push it back open and leave it that way. She wanted a skeleton key, so she could push Helen into a dark hallway and lock the door and listen to him finish his own sentences for eternity.

    *

    It had been a couple of years since Winnie packed up a U-Haul after graduation and moved to New York City. “Don’t put an ad in the Village Voice!” she’d said to a former classmate who was leaving her cheap apartment to move in with her boyfriend. It was now a couple of years since she’d sat in the Staley’s parlor, and they were coming to stay with her.

    It was dark by the time her doorbell buzzed. Winnie pressed the intercom and tried to keep her voice steady. “I’m gonna buzz you! Come on in! I’m on the 3rd floor.” Helen appeared first, emerging around the curve of the stairwell, the same black fur hat covering her fiery red hair that always covered her fiery red hair. Her black wool cape dragged on the floor as she climbed the stairs. Her winter boots were from another time altogether, also fur, with embroidery woven across the seams, not unlike the arts and crafts displayed at the annual Ukrainian street fair in Winnie’s neighborhood.

    She hugged them both and showed them to her room, apologizing about everything in no specific order (the size of her apartment; the box of cat litter in the corner; the narrow spiral staircase with hard metal edges that lead up to the bedroom—oh, be careful!—; and the firmness of her mattress). For herself, she made a nest on the couch with her black cat, Charlie.

    *

    When Winnie came home from work the next evening, Harry and Helen were out visiting friends. Helen made their friends sound so glamorous. A homosexual, in the theater. An artist who we met in Japan. Her bathroom was now a skyline of personal toiletries, including a canister of orange-flavored Metamucil. There was no turning back, she understood. The cracks that surfaced with intimacy would only spread from there.

    At 10:45, the buzzer buzzed, and they climbed the stairs, Helen chattering to Harry nonstop. “But they didn’t stay for long, did they? That was a bore. At least the borscht was homemade.”

    *

    The second time the Staleys came to visit, it was to attend an art opening on 25th Street, not for their friend the Japanese artist, Helen was careful to clarify, but for another wonderful friend, from Amsterdam. Would Winnie be able to break free from work to meet them for lunch at the gallery? “Yes, of course,” she said, wishing she could see Harry alone.

    On the appointed day, Winnie waited awkwardly for them to turn up. From a large picture window, she watched heavy, wet snow fall. A yellow taxi pulled up and she watched as Helen exited onto the slushy curb. Her black fur hat fell into the snow, and she bent like an accordion to pick it up. What was left of her hair was freshly dyed red, long and wild, and blew into her face. Harry emerged next, wearing sneakers with no socks. A thin, white anorak was the only thing protecting him from the sharp Hudson River wind. When they came inside, it seemed a wonderful shock at seeing her there, even though they’d made plans three days earlier. Winnie quickly surmised that they’d forgotten her. Lunch wasn’t going to happen. Oh dear, it’s snowing, and best if we don’t spend the night. Best if we turn around and catch an earlier train back upstate.

    When she left to return to work, hot tears spilled.

    On the floor of the small elevator in her office building, a brass stamp was engraved into the floor that read “Staley.” It might have been the elevator maker; it might have been an elevator distributor, if there was such a thing. Every time Winnie rode up or down, she meditated on the “S” which swooped with a lovely serif at each end. Sometimes it looked tarnished, barely noticeable under the scrum of shuffling feet. Other times, a fresh new shine drew her eyes towards it. Always, out of an odd respect for the randomness of its placement, she did her best to sidestep it altogether. If she were alone, she might articulate an S sound, connecting it to another word. Serendipity. Snake. Sunshine. Sadness.

    *

    The years ticked on and they fell out of touch. Occasionally, she spotted a book of poetry on her bookshelves by Harry called Lives of a Shell-shocked Chaplain. Winnie had perched it next to a book Helen had self-published, about a cat. She wondered if they were still alive, living in their grand, but down-at-the-heels apartment on State Street in Albany. The last time she’d been there, Helen was doing a furious “lightening up.” She came out of her kitchen holding a set of opaque, rose-colored aperetif glasses, and a sake set. “I carried these on my lap from Japan when we came home from our honeymoon. We would love for you to have them.” Harry sat upright in his faded green armchair, smiled, and nodded with approval. Winnie’s heart cracked open. They were like grandparents, but that wasn’t right. He was like an old love, but that wasn’t right, either.

    The last time she’d sat in his office, he’d tucked his chin in his palm, looked at her wistfully, and said, “Oh Winnie, if only I were younger.” Until that afternoon, Winnie had never asked Professor Staley for an extension on a paper. She knocked on his door and he gently pulled it open, surprised to see her on the other side. “Sit, sit!” In the warm glow of amber lamp light, his grin was crooked, his eyebrows two white caterpillars. He had no problem with her turning in her paper a day late, but asking him made her cheeks burn. She accepted that afternoon’s visit as a complex but beautiful inevitability, and it stayed with her for many years, like an extra button in a teacup.

    *

    Of all the places they ended up, the Catholic nursing home on New Scotland Avenue was not what Winnie imagined. A nurse explained that he and Helen had separate rooms. She asked for directions to Harry’s room. At the end of a long corridor, she found his empty bed made up with a mustard-colored shaggy comforter. On the bedside table, a hospital-issue plastic water pitcher, and a framed picture of he and Helen as young war lovers, she in crimson lipstick with that same unmistakable intensity in her gaze, and he jovial and goofy in his uniform. Winnie followed the musty smell of overly cooked vegetables to the cafeteria and found them sitting at the end of a group table. Both were in wheelchairs. Winnie leaned down to their height. Harry smiled, his remaining teeth protruding. Helen scoured, sending her painted left eyebrow into a sharp 90-degree angle. “I didn’t think we’d see you again,” she said.

    Harry offered her his tapioca cup and patted her shoulder. “I know you, I know you!” She could have been his student; she could have been his daughter. Had Helen not been there, she wasn’t sure which identity she would have claimed. Artist from Amsterdam. Borscht maker. Daughter.

    When she went back to work, she entered the elevator and looked downward at the brass stamp below her feet. Staley, with its two serifs.

  • We Could Be Like Bonobos (an excerpt from The Enhancers)

    We Could Be Like Bonobos (an excerpt from The Enhancers)

    The Lumena Center didn’t do much for me ever, and on a Friday night especially, with all of its fluorescent lights illuminating the worst in the shoppers and supplement poppers and gamers and everyone moving within. Samsun was a habitué of the Center’s VR cage, where guys, mostly, would play games wearing headsets, each assigned to a different padded cubicle. This abutted a literal cage where people gamed together and one of the challenges was not running into one another. In the last cage, people threw axes at life-size outlines of bodies projected onto a wall.  This was justified as physical exercise, somehow, that helped sublimate aggressive tendencies or something like that. Samsun came here most Fridays, Celia had said. And we had vowed to help Celia avenge her sadness and what had become our mutual anger at his postfuck weirdness.

    The Center had dispensaries at both ends with moving walkways spanning the distance between them. Between, there were kiosks for magnetic resonance and mental reset techniques and sign-ups for electrostimulation rooms. There were dosing hubs and recharge stations. People came on Friday evenings after school, after the factory’s second shift, though I never understood why so many people were drawn to come here at the same time, as if being in a crowd were an experience they desired.

    I met Celia and Azzie on one end of the second-floor walkway. When together we became a we in a way that made us stronger, bolder, a blur. Celia had done her hair up in braids that circled her head. She wore plastic fangs and a billowy see-through dress. She wore all black and a fanny pack. She had this new hand tremor too. When I asked her about it she laughed, said the EMPTEZ had only made her cranky and shook her, literally. She’d been clawing walls ever since.

    Azzie wore a bomber jacket and combat boots. I went for a more discreet, undercover look: black turtleneck and pants, augmented clear plastic framed glasses that could record my path of vision. Celia passed her antler around and we each took turns sniffing its Insta_Pleasure and licking our fingers for luck.

    I queued the TrackHer®. It said Samsun was moving dynamically through the VR cage. We split up, turned our cameras to record, and took separate paths toward his location. I went zigzag between the walkways, checking the others’ locations frequently. Celia moved more fluidly from side to side almost as if in doing so she were delaying the inevitable encounter. Azzie beelined and found Samsun first. He was checking into the ax throwing side, waiting on gear. He stood captivated by his device and unaware of her encroachment, Azzie said.

    “Oh wait, eye contact made,” she noted. I couldn’t see the feed of what was happening, but I heard his mumble of a greeting and Azzie starting to rant: “Don’t hi me like we’re friends. You’re too busy throwing axes to respond to texts?” I paused to look at Celia’s stream. It looked like she was detouring.

    This wasn’t how we’d planned it, but I knew of no other way forward so I carried on. Azzie and Samsun were in a stalemate. Behind them was a desk and a behind that a man holding an axe. I saw Samsun’s confused face and Azzie up in it, looking like she was about to bite his head off.

    “You know, it’s pretty shitty that you won’t return Celia’s messages,” I told Samsun.

    He was like, “Chill guys, you definitely need to Re-set.”

    Azzie started in again, “Don’t ‘guy’ me. You fuck with Celia, you fuck with us.” She threw her chest up against his and stared him down.

    He took two steps back, threw up his arms, and was like, “What the fuck!?” And walked off.

    I grabbed Azzie and pulled her back. She panted at me, that she was just about to launch into him. I told her she was lucky I’d stepped in as I gazed at the guys in the cage just beyond us, wandering blindly in a realm that made sense only to them. They had headsets covering their eyes, devices in hand, cords tethering them to the mainframe like umbilical cords.

    “Abort, abort,” I shouted into my device. Where was Celia? She’d turned off her camera though she still had audio on. “Celia. Meet us in the second-floor women’s bathroom.”

    We took a moment and headed across the way, and entered the powder room, where we sat on the floor.

    “Azzie, I wouldn’t call that subtle…”

    “You didn’t see the look he gave me.”

     “You deviated.”

    “You think she’s pissed?”

     “I mean, she’s not responding.” I messaged Celia again: “Where are u? Not showing on the device. Come, come. A. says she’s sorry. “

     We decided to get on with the part deux. Next step was to hack into the local LED signage network and transmit Samsun’s Ihaznodick.gif across it. It wasn’t even a dick shot, just a series of images of him dressed head to foot in black, his slinky body fading into the dark corner, with a bright light above washing his sad, sad face. It made him look isolated. There might have been a tear in his eye.

    “She can always say she wasn’t involved or some shit.”

    “You think?”

    “I was just trying to empower her.”

     “You could’ve let her lead, you know? Let her slap his face, pull his hair, have a physical confrontation.” I sensed Azzie was really the one who’d wanted this. It was the male chimp who would show aggression, not the female, not the bonobo. Azzie had some real dick-related anger of late. Like she wanted to be the dominant male. I couldn’t help but think of her father, still missing after so many years and the weight that had on her. She wouldn’t talk about him, ever. I knew from Judy that he just got in his truck one day and never showed up to pick up his haul, never returned to Lumena Hills. His truck was found abandoned at a rest stop. No trace of him. No sign of foul play. Azzie changed the subject if it ever came up. But perhaps if we regressed, she’d be able to claim some form of dominance and heal.

    People came and went as we sat there in the powder room attempting to hack into the local network. We moved to two plush chairs with a table between, its smooth self-cleaning surface used for cutting powders, organizing doses. Some girls lingered, but most came and went, passing the mirror, pulling hair, licking teeth, applying rouge, sniffing vials, taking cases from their purses and placing pills in their cheeks.

    The fluorescent lights made my head scream.

    No word still from Celia. My attempt to hack the network wasn’t working. 

    Azzie said to let her try. I handed my device to her.

    I queued Celia’s camera feed. She’d turned it back on. It was static. All I saw were series of induction pots hanging.

    “Something’s wrong,” I told Azzie. “Looks like she’s in kitchenware.”

    “Sure, yeah this isn’t working. Let’s go find her.” Azzie dug her hand into her pack and pulled out a tiny plastic banana and split it in half. She tapped out a palmful of pink tablets, swallowed one, held her palm to me. “Edge Eraser?” she offered.

    I took one too and then we left. We walked through a side door into the store showroom, past a series of screens and speakers and signal amplifiers, accessories like earpieces, headsets, glasses, helmets. We followed a maze to and through women’s samples — formal dresses with elaborate brocades, others cut in modern shapes, boxlike and awful. Like, who would even wear these? We went on to lingerie, panties, and peek-a-boo nighties, we pushed through silks, pulled them through our fingers and held them to our faces, then headed to kitchenware.

    I looked again at the camera stream and Celia’s display. I saw two sets of legs, one from the feet up, and the other squatting, with knees pointed at the camera.

    In front of us, there were two guards, one standing over a counter and the other crouching under. I saw Celia’s phone on the floor.

    I asked the standing guard if he’d seen Celia. I described her black hair and blonde roots, her black billowy dress.

    “Fangs?” he said.

    “Yes.”

    He nodded and pointed toward the display of knives. They were shiny and sharp and strapped down. The other guard pointed to the door. “She went that way.” He said he’d walked up as she was attempting to break a knife from the case. She had dropped the knife and run away.

    “You just let her run?”

    “Look, I tried to see if she was okay.”

    I grabbed Celia’s phone from the floor and we took off, dodging perfume bots attempting sprays. The sky outside was dark with clouds and rain was pouring over the line of vehicles exiting

    We decided to split up and canvass the parking lot.

    “No flaking,” Azzie said.

    “Yeah, no kidding.”

    I walked past the loading docks on the backside. On the other side, I saw a tiny woman standing by the side entrance. With her tiny fingers she held a tiny kerchief over her head. She looked observant and very wet.

    I asked if she’d maybe seen Celia: “Blonde braids, black dress, perhaps a bit discombobulated?”

    She seemed to have trouble with her words. Her phrases came in spurts: “A particular…? I cannot tell…. Honestly …  you look,   nice girl …”

    She was no help. I walked back toward the loading dock.

    In the distance, I thought I made out Celia’s outline walking in the lot. She looked lost. Her hair was soaked. She was walking along a row of parked cars back toward the Center, toward me.      

    She tripped and stumbled and all of a sudden her body launched into the air, she flew forward, and into the path of a sports utility vehicle.

    The sports utility vehicle halted and I started running. I watched Celia fall so slowly–her shoulder hit its grill and then she crumpled, it seemed, into a heap the ground.  I ran over to her side and kneeled beside her. The sports utility vehicle’s lights made her look ghastly, her billow wilted, her pale skin damp. She looked like she was crying but it might’ve been the rain on her face.

    “What’s going on Cici? Tell me you’re okay…?” 

    This didn’t seem to register. She had a cut on her chin and her braids had fallen though that looked like the extent of her injuries.

    The SUV driver was still in her car. Her shocked O of a mouth made her look like she was hyperventilating, with two screaming kids beside her. Finally she popped her door and ran over, and was like, “Are you trying to give me a heart attack or what?”

    “Lady, look, I think she’s hurt.”

    She was no help. She just freaked. “Oh god it’s not my fault. She hit us. We had no velocity and now just look at her.” She took a capsule from her pocket and put it under her tongue. I had no time for her hysterics, to wait for it to kick in. I grabbed Celia’s hand and tried to help her up but she was dead weight. The cars were lining up. I sent a location pin to Azzie and told her to get out here and quick.

    “I’m calling an ambulance,” the SUV driver said.

    “No, no don’t do that…” I turned to Celia, wanting her to agree, but she lay there, her eyes wide and without expression.

    The woman was already talking to someone on her device. The children in the SUV started pressing their faces into the windshield, putting their mouths on the glass, and then turning the headlights on and off. The woman said paramedics were on their way, then went back to sedate her little monsters, or so I hoped. They were acting like little cretins whose behavior was so beyond. Judy would’ve had a field day with them.

    Azzie came running just as the ambulance pulled up. She and I stood to the side as the EMTs asked Celia a long list of questions. They asked her to hold up one finger for yes, two for no. She could do this. They pressed their gloved hands over her body. I wondered what shape it would’ve made if they’d been wearing my gloves. They pulled her dress down to rub her chest. They needled and masked her and then lifted her onto a stretcher.

    Azzie asked “What’s going on?”

    The tall one said, “I can’t conjecture. Nothing apparent. No contusions, no lacerations, no pupil dilation.” They needed to run tests. She said it was standard procedure and lifted the back end of the stretcher into the ambulance. I attempted to climb in after them but she blocked me.

    “Uh-uh! You can’t ride.”

    “Just me?” I pleaded.

    “No minors,” she barked. But she seemed to take pity. “Sorry, not my rules. We’re taking her to the Downtown Hospital. You can check on her there. Her guardians have been alerted.”

    The ambulance drove off, its lights rotating, the sound blaring, and the traffic again started moving. Azzie and I stood there watching, the rain running down our faces.  

    We walked back into the warm and dry of the Lumena Center feeling defeated. It was emptier near closing time, and we stood in the glare of its lights. I suggested we get a ride to the ER — though Azzie said it was pointless. They wouldn’t let us in without Celia’s mother’s permission. And besides, it takes so long for them to do anything there. She said Celia would be placed in a tiny room where she’d be poked and needled even more, and there’d be just enough room in that room for Celia and her mother. “I’ll call my mom,” she offered. “Ask her to keep an eye out for Celia, you know, keep us posted on what’s going on.”

    The Med Rx dispensary’s counter was still packed. Its walls were so clean and bright, and between those walls were so many bodies. The bodies on the other side of the counter wore form-fitting suits and swept pills across plates with long, blunt knives. They used scales to measure powders, tapped powders into capsules. They mixed herbs and emollients with long butter knives.

    The line was so long for made-to-order so we made a beeline for the machine. We tapped the screen for the round orange balls, SunKisses. Two grams of Insta_Pleasure, a focus enhancer, and a purple pellet relaxant.

    We took the Delixir, too. What was left. Two tablets. It was enough for the night. 

     

  • Valravn (excerpt from a current work-in-progress)

    Valravn (excerpt from a current work-in-progress)

    A different wood; a different moon. This is the early moon, crescent as a fingernail, snagged in the silk of the still-pale sky. Barely dawn, when these sisters enter the wood with their snail buckets.

    I will gift them names: Ivy and Sweetbriar. Ivy is the prim, plain older sister, the keeper of wisdom. Sweetbriar is the fanciful, feral one, sheltered under her protection. Pairs of sisters in stories tend to be these types, I’ve noticed. One sense and one sensibility, as it were. One serious, law-abiding, scientific or religious – the other a madcap dreamer. Perhaps sisters naturally tend to arrive in sets of two, like seasoning shakers: paragon and renegade, preservative and spice. Complementary flavors, the two varieties of female success.

    “Sister,” whispers cherubic Sweetbriar, rosy-cheeked in the chill of the morning dew, still rubbing her eyes awake, “do you really think we can slay the Valravn?”

    Ivy consults her compass, checks the dagger on her belt. “I believe it is our duty,” she affirms. Solemn as a salt pillar beneath her hooded cloak, even as she refuses to look back.

    *

    The sisters live in a village at the edge of the wood. Their father is the milkman and their mother is the cheesemaker. They spend cool evenings by the fire in the big room of their simple stone cottage. Ivy steadily knits while Sweetbriar rolls yarn balls for their kitten, or tries to stand on her head, or clumsily plucks the lyre and sings, for many verses, songs she makes up on the spot all by herself. This is the first adventure they’ve gone on.

    It is out of the ordinary, the quest of two young girls to slay the Valravn. But sometimes a bold child must step up to address what the adults will not.

    *

    Since long before the sisters’ conceptions, the people of the village have made a yearly sacrifice to the Valravn. It used to be the heart of a stag. Then it was the heart of a horse. For the last three years, it has been the heart of a human being, selected by raffle at the festival. The Valravn craving ever more from their community’s lifeblood, a beloved soul hell-banished each time. They never went willingly, not when their number was called, not the blacksmith, nor the schoolmaster, nor the tavern’s proprietress. Every chosen villager cursed and screamed and begged for their lives. The Valravn, the community’s captor – but also, the elders maintain, their benefactor, bestowing riches not of this world, filling their wells with healing elixir, fecundifying their soil and their barnyards.

    Well. These two sisters have their own opinions about that. They work their chores. They fill their snail buckets. They know where the riches of these households come from.

    *

    The Valravn is half-wolf, half-raven. He stands on two vulpine legs like a human man and his pelt bristles with thick black feathers. He lives in a cave with all of human history painted on its walls in arcane symbols. His beak drips blood.

    He sears the hearts before he eats them, so the flesh cracks and blisters and the inside gleams back to life.

    *

    The girls walk through the cool of the morning into the heat of the day. By noon, Ivy carries Sweetbriar’s cloak and slippers as the latter wades in a babbling brook.

    “I’m hungry, Sister,” Sweetbriar says, outstretching her arms to balance on the wet stones.

    “We should not stop to eat, not till weakness claims us. We have just begun our journey.”

    “It’s hard to have adventures on an empty stomach.”

    “We eat none but what the Valravn gives us,” Ivy replies firmly. “Every mouthful we take before he lies slain, the deeper we sink into his debt.”

    “But Sister, you don’t believe what the elders say. The Valravn doesn’t give anything to anybody. He only takes.”

    “What the Valravn gives, consumes more than it provides. But nothing – we should wish it was nothing.”

    “Then how come you told me the Valravn never gave the village a single thing we needed?”

    “Because the Valravn doesn’t give the people what they need. He gives his acolytes what they want.” Ivy pauses to toss back the hood of her cloak and drink water from her leather flask. If Sweetbriar is unmistakably puppyish, Ivy is so slight and inscrutable, it would be hard for a stranger to guess her age. In her, youth is a kind of blankness. A stealth mode. “I didn’t tell you this, little one, but when I delivered cheese to the mayor’s house, the mayor’s wife – the chooser of hearts herself – invited me in out of the rain. I saw that she wore around her neck a curious new stone. Though the day was dark, it glimmered like a firefly. Like trapped magic.” Ivy refills her flask from the spring. “The Valravn gives presents to his favorites. That is why they do not keep him in check.”

    “But we don’t owe him anything. We would never take his bribes.”

    “Perhaps we would not. But our father has.”

    Sweetbriar stops splashing her feet in the current, looks up in disbelief. “No.”

    “Do you remember when Cow took ill past midnight? Lowed and lowed, and would not stand?”

    “I would remember, but I was sent back to bed.”

    “That night, when all other remedies had failed, Father pricked Cow with a silver spindle and Cow calmed enough to birth the stillborn calf feet first. The calf we ate in stew for a fortnight.” Ivy grows pensive, remembering. “It was not a spindle I had ever seen before.”

    “But it was a good thing, for Cow to live. We eat her cheese.”

    “Is it a good thing, if it’s gotten in an evil way?” Scolding: “Sweetbriar.”

    The child sighs and recites. “‘Nothing is good / that is not right. / What’s done in dark / will come to light.’”

     Ivy smiles, slightly. She may be the one driving this mission. But she knows she’d never be able to actually complete it without her little sister.

    *

    They won’t be missed for hours, not until dark. The forest is where they’re supposed to be. The forest, their parents like to say, is their education. The sisters spend most days combing the woods for snails, turning over every leaf. Some of the snails are food, and some of them are medicine, but the snails in this wood are not poisonous. Poisons do not grow in this forest. Not yet. The Valravn has arrived but there is still time before terror begins to bend the world around it.

    Innocence is still possible.

    *

    Ivy has obtained a map of the Valravn’s location, a map written in burn marks on hide. She will not tell Sweetbriar where she got it, and in truth, Sweetbriar does not wish to know. Ivy always finishes the worst tasks alone – it is the curse of the elder sister.

    A map like this does not come from a happy place. It smells of musk and ash that stains both girls’ fingers as they pour over it in a clearing, trying to find their way back to the path. The sky has turned overcast.

    “Perhaps we should have turned left, at Dubious Rock,” Ivy frets. “We may have to retrace our steps.”

    This is the sort of map that requires a legend to define its symbols – it bears scant resemblance to the wood in which they stand. Sweetbriar can make no sense of it at all. But she wants to seem grown-up enough to merit consultation. “Which way does the compass say?”

    Ivy takes the compass from her cloak and opens it for her sister. “Oh no.”

    Ivy sets it on a nearby tree stump, and together the girls watch the fine needle spin: first left, then right. Then in steady ticks, counterclockwise. Sweetbriar does not remember what this means. But Ivy does.

    “Aunt Hither-Thither,” she calls into the dark wood. “We know you’re near!”

    The spaces between the trees Escher into the trees themselves, grow dark as shadows on a velvet curtain. The air itself parts like a splitting cocoon.

    Their mother’s younger sister – though she looks far older – springs forth in frizzy braids with gaps in her smile, wearing the old, ragged skin of a cinnamon bear, leaning hard on her burl staff with its knob of riven quartz. Her hat Hygrocybe conica, a mushroom best left among the snail slime and rotten logs.

    “My babies!” she shrieks. Half cackle, half laying claim. “You scrumptious hunks of my sister’s heart!”

    *

    Aunt Hither-Thither, their mother’s sister, used to live in the village. She brewed elixirs in her cauldron, wore heavy lanyards of drying herb. She allowed skunklings to nest in her root cellar, and harvested their scent for bear deterrent she sold to the local foragers. Imagine that: a woman, unwed and unwashed, in her own filthy house, expressing the scent of a skunk for gold.

    Yet all of it was allowed. Aunt Hither-Thither was only expelled from the village because she began, covertly, to sell her potions in bulk to some of the housewives, to allow them to become home merchants of her goods – “sorceresses-in-training” was the expression that drew the most horror and ire – and, when exposed, refused to apologize for doing so. She would either have her coven, or she would make her way alone. The housewives stood, dead-eyed, by their husbands.

    She made her way alone.

    Sweetbriar was a babe-in-arms when Aunt Hither-Thither departed in disgrace. But Ivy remembers. She has thought about her aunt much over the years. Her aunt was powerful, yet she squandered that power to prove a point. She left the village, she did not steer it. She never faced the Valravn.

    *

    “We don’t need your help,” Ivy tells the old witch. “Sweetbriar, let’s go.”

    “Hogwash.” Aunt Hither-Thither is more amused than annoyed. “What brings you to my neck of the woods?”

    “It’s nobody’s neck,” Sweetbriar retorts. “We’re on a quest.”

    “A quest, huh? And maybe you thought you could swing by my place, pick up some enchanted gear? Some advice?”

    “We’re only here because we were lost. Fortunately I’ve found the way again.” Ivy rolls up the map but not before Aunt Hither-Thither catches a glimpse. She tries to snatch it but Ivy is too quick.

    “Kiddo.” Now serious as a heart attack: “Is that a page of the Dead Law Atlas?”

    “So what if it is?” Ivy lets her voice go cold and unbothered.

    “You’re in over your head, which isn’t screwed on properly, either.”

    “I know what I have to do. I know the prophecy.”

    The aunt’s expression grows stormier. “What do you know of the prophecy?”

    “I know only a child of the village can slay the Valravn.”

    “And what makes you think you’re that child?”

    “Maybe it’s me,” foreshadows plucky Sweetbriar. They both ignore her.

    “This isn’t make-believe,” Aunt Hither-Thither continues. “There won’t be a trail of breadcrumbs to lead you back. Are you really willing to do what’s necessary?”

    Ivy doesn’t flinch: “How do you think I got the map?”

    “There’s more to the prophecy than you know. Much more.” Aunt Hither-Thither scratches a chin bristle, thoughtfully. “The three of us ought to talk.”

    *

    Why did the other women join Aunt Hither-Thither’s coven in the first place, you might ask? Stooped even in youth, with her garb of rags and owlish unibrow, Aunt Hither-Thither was not a likely aspirational figure. And yet it was this very unlikelihood that did make her aspirational. It took a special certainty to commit so wholly to unholiness. To squat down in nature’s armpit and scrounge around for the secrets.

    The housewives wanted to know the things she knew, but they didn’t want to make the same sacrifices to know them. Ivy doesn’t care about sacrifices. She’s ready for this. She thinks of the old song, You’ll never see me cry. She takes her younger sister’s hand and leads her through the wood, toward the witch’s hut.

    *

    If the forest is their education, Aunt Hither-Thither’s part of it is a book with its leaves uncut. As they walk, the sisters don’t become more lost so much as more bewildered. Why are they on this path, rather than any other? How long have the trees been spiraling upwards, into these branching convolutions, gnarled as an old crone’s hands? If they, the girls, themselves grow old – a fate not guaranteed in light of their present task – what will they become?

    *

    The witch’s hut isn’t a hut at all. It’s part clapboard cottage, part covered bridge. The witch has built her home over a creek that runs through the wood, a little house rudely straddling a stream.

    “There’s a drain in the foundation that I use to discard waste,” she explains matter-of-factly. “Potions. Runoff from experimental fermentations. All manner of fluids. It gets in the water and the water gets in the dirt and everything that grows up out of the dirt. Soon this whole area will start to transform, no matter how the men of your village feel about it. Huh! Want to know how I know? Take a whiff on this side, where the water’s flowing in.”

    The girls smell the air before it passes beneath the shanty-truss. The water smells like… water.

    “Now over on this side.”

    They wouldn’t have noticed the difference, but when she points it out: pickle brine and varnish? With a just little hint of brimstone?

    “I’m not even home, and it’s extruding this much.” She slaps the building’s wall affectionately. “My house makes its own magic at this point. I’m that magical of a person. I feed the stream, and the stream feeds the river. And that’s why I’m well-equipped to advise you. Because I make almost as much good magic as the evil kind you’re going up against.”

    *

    The sisters don’t want to go inside the dripping house. You don’t either. I’m the first to admit it’s gross in there, in the lab of creation. Things writhing in jars. Roots with baby faces. Homemade glue. Menses. Even the good witches have to wrangle with what is. Any time you change what is, you produce a lot of waste. I’ll be the first to cop to that.

    *

    The aunt does what witches always do when they have children in their houses: she fires up her oven and puts her stew pot on to boil. Then she draws up a rocking chair at her hearth to tell them a story.

    It’s a story about the Valravn. But it’s not just about the Valravn.

    *

    “A new time is coming into the world. The future days will be the days of magic. The kind of magic we have now, it’s a magic of unbrokenness. If you ask me, we need to crack it a little. Shake a few pieces loose. Like I said, I’m a good witch, but this is one way Beaky von Beakerson and I are alike: we’re forerunners. Making the way for something new. Did your mother ever tell you that we met him?”

    “Mama met the Valravn?” Ivy, disbelieving: “Why didn’t she kill him?”

    “We were in the woods looking for snails and we found him curled up asleep in a nest on the ground. Blue black quills, shiny as wet ink. Pup paws that had never touched dirt. A hatchling. Your mother was just a kid, she took mercy on him. She’s had to live with that regret.”

    That explains a lot about their mother. The sisters have different theories as to exactly what.

    “Maybe you’re right,” Aunt Hither-Thither continues. “Maybe you are called to do this. Held accountable for her inaction. Doesn’t seem fair to me, but I don’t know how any of this is supposed to work. I do know, though, that the Valravn, he’s not the only seed that evil has sown. There are other monsters, like him and worse. Once he’s gone they’ll step up to replace him.”

    “Then we’ll replace them,” pipes up Sweetbriar. “Only, we’ll be the good monsters.”

     Aunt Hither-Thither laughs and laughs.

    *

    “Sweetbriar, I get the sense you’re a very young seven and a half,” Aunt Hither-Thither tells her niece. “So I’m giving you this amulet of protection. It’s a bezoar. You know what a bezoar is?”        

    “No.”

    “You don’t need to know.” She ties it around the child’s neck on its thick cord. “Ivy, I can tell you run headlong into danger. At least this way they won’t see you coming.” She strips off her cloak and flips it around for them to see its lining of invisibility before she hands it over.

    Aunt Hither-Thither packs the girls a basket before they go: tinctures and bandages and a canteen of vegetable stew that will never run cold or dry, whose flavor she describes as “nutritional.” Then she shows them the door. Before they know it, the girls are back where they started. It feels a little like the woods swallowed them up and spit them back out.

    Sisters walk in silence. Sweetbriar especially seems troubled. Her lower lip sticks out. The amulet hangs heavy around her neck.

    “What’s troubling you, little one?” asks Ivy after a time.

    Sweetbriar shoves her hands deep into the pockets of her dress. “If Aunt Hither-Thither’s magic is so great, how come we have to slay the Valravn alone?”

    “Perhaps her magic is not so great. Or perhaps…” Ivy shrugs, only slightly. But slightly is enough. “When Mama met the Valravn, Aunt Hither-Thither was there too.”

    “So?” Sweetbriar asks – but the clockwork in her head is starting to turn.

    “Aunt Hither-Thither didn’t slay him either. She told us that Mama has had to live with the guilt. But she didn’t mention anything about her own guilt.”

    Piecing it together: “Maybe Aunt let the Valravn live… and she isn’t even sorry about it?”

    “The mayor’s wife has no sorrow for what she’s done,” Ivy elaborates. “The well-compensated rarely do. Where do you think Aunt Hither-Thither got her great stores of magic?”

    “She said she made it all herself.”

    “That is what she said.”

    Sweetbriar hesitates.

    “But…”

    “But what, little one?”

    “Maybe Aunt’s not sorry because it’s not her fault. Mama is the big sister. She might have decided for both of them. She might have told Aunt what to do.”

    “Do you do everything I tell you to do?”

    Sweetbriar scowls on command. “No.”

    Ivy laughs merrily. “Oh Sweetie, you are incorrigible.”

    They walk a little farther, each lost in their own thoughts. The wood now once again conforms to the murky shapes on that map of soot and hide. Ivy can see them moving along its little line, like a cursor pulsing its way to a story’s inevitable conclusion. Sweetbriar has no notion of this at all. Her thoughts are on her mother and aunt, children themselves that long-ago day they stumbled upon a pitchy nest in the woods.

    What had happened when they spied the Valravn? Had it slept, and looked harmless, the way all babies do? Or did it open one yellow eye and promise them wishes – wishes with a condition only Aunt Hither-Thither was willing to accept? Suspicion gives a sick stomach to a child.

    “I don’t trust her,” Sweetbriar says out loud. She struggles to untie her amulet, desperately, as if it’s a millstone around her neck.

    “Sweetbriar, what are you doing?” Ivy shouts, but it’s too late. Sweetbriar chucks the bezoar as hard as she can, deep into the forest. It ricochets off a knotty tree trunk and disappears into the fallen leaves quite a ways away.

    “It was part of her plan,” Sweetbriar breathlessly announces. “Her plan to stop our quest. Maybe she enchanted it to make us fail, or get scared.”

    “Sweetbriar, how can you speak like that about your own aunt?” Ivy asks. But there’s something funny in the way she says it – something like pride. She’s taught her sibling well. “Go over there and look in the leaves. We need to examine it thoroughly before we jump to conclusions.”

    “Okay, but this’ll just prove me right. You’ll see.”

    Sweetbriar runs headlong into the forest, in the general direction of the bauble’s trajectory, her unkempt hair flying out behind her. The undergrowth is thick here, strewn with sticks and half-mulched deciduity. When her foot strikes the trap, she at first thinks it’s a branch snapping under her. Then the ground folds in – and the earth opens up – just like a room Redecorating itself.

    *

    What.

    *

    When Sweetbriar comes to, she sees her sister standing at the top of the hole, looking down at her. Silhouetted against the gloaming sky.

    “Can you move?” Ivy asks.

    Sweetbriar can’t even shake her head. She can feel the ooze from the crack in her skull.

    “Good.” Ivy throws in a rope and begins to climb down into the hole. Despite the difficulty of the task, she carries her empty snail bucket with her. “The Valravn prefers for the heart to be cut out while it still beats.”

    *

    This isn’t the story I thought I was telling.

    *

    When Ivy climbs back out, her blade is bloodied and her bucket is full. I gave her that dagger to protect herself, but it’s not just a dagger, is it? It got changed somehow. Into a hunting knife.

    Ivy doesn’t fill in the hole. She doesn’t need to. Even if you looked down there without falling in yourself – no small feat – you’d never see the child’s body under the invisibility cloak.

    *

    For some reason, Ivy walks through the forest with her little sister’s heart in a bucket.

    Fairy tales are full of female psychopaths. The witch with the spindle. The witch with the mirror. The witch with the gingerbread house. But it’s a strange thing, to witness that psychopathy in its beginnings. Psychopathy is too kind a word, in fact, because that suggests neurodivergence and the guiltlessness a diagnosis provides. This didn’t have to happen. This happening makes no sense.

    Ivy ties a red string to a bough. She’s just doing stuff at this point, as far as I’m concerned.

    *

    Why didn’t Aunt Hither-Thither go with the girls on their journey – Gandalf their hobbits, as it were? There’s no way she could have predicted this twist, but it was obvious enough they could use some adult supervision. Can we blame her? Should we blame her? Why is it that a woman always has to choose between her destiny, her creativity, her space – and watching the children? Even when the children aren’t her own?

    The amulet protected. The invisibility cloak hid. Aunt Hither-Thither told the truth: she made the magic all by herself. No good deed goes unpunished.

    *

    The Valravn is only able to hyperfocus late at night. He prowls the forest with every feather quivering like an antenna, drinking up the moonbeams, until the break of dawn. Then he returns to his cave nest, where he sleeps till afternoon in a bed of branch and bone. He understands human language, but his thoughts and emotions, if you can even say he has emotions, exist outside of language. That is what makes him supernatural. There will always be animals we haven’t discovered, but a beast like the Valravn isn’t an animal and he isn’t a person either. Even when we see him with our own eyes, he doesn’t fit the logic of our realm. He remains undiscoverable. That’s what makes him a monster.

    A human child has no such excuse.

    *

    Ivy is the villain of this piece. The villain, not the anti-hero. To make her an anti-hero, you’d have to remove every action that defines her. Strip Cruella of her furs.

    *

    Ivy arrives at the mouth of the Valravn’s lair, carefully sets the bucket on the stones. For crying out loud, does she plan to curtsy? When he emerges from the shadows, she mercifully does not. Maybe she’s too surprised. She has never seen a naked man before, but of course the Valravn is not a man, and perhaps not even naked. Plumage isn’t nudity, even when it covers a wolfish form.

    “I’ve brought something for you,” she says, and steps back from her offering. She watches as he stoops to feed. He didn’t eat the other hearts raw. None of them were this tender. Did Ivy’s red string foretell the sight of his raptorial maxilla tearing this muscle to bloody shreds? Whoever coined the expression “eats like a bird” clearly never saw a ravenous one.

    The Valravn rolls his neck and stretches back up to his full height, or at least the full height his cave will allow. He does not transform into a stygian knight, but the meal has affected some change in him, infused him with a brief magnanimity. A beastly courtesy. His yellow eyes are twin suns, suns from another galaxy, dead suns still flickering in the night sky. Wishing suns. It is time for Ivy to get her heart’s desire. What will it be? What could it be? I don’t dare to hazard a guess.

  • Urinals

     

            U        
            URINALS
    I
    N
    A
    L
    S
    Vitreous, oft-white, wall-mounted, what runs
    flavid down each steep face collects in a font
    you’d never dip your fingers in. Public things,
    out of place in homes, their torso-like forms
    gleam in rows beneath bright humming tubes
    in windowless rooms behind doors that lack
    knobs.   Nearly half the first world knows all
    too irksomely the subtle variations of urinals,
    what vast differences can be made by height,
    style, proximity, number, partitions. (I write
    only in memory of feelings.) The greater half
    turns on heel, flees at the sight of them, fresh
    ly aghast at their peculiarity.   Like an algebra
    problem whose answer is a violin, the urinal’s
    fanciful shape is arrived into using a rationale
    of brutish functionality. This makes it lovely.
    Its glazed Art-Deco curves trace their origins
    to the propensity for male equipment to drip,
    drizzle, spray in a rake. Herein lies a urinal’s
    quiddity: At one, you must perform. At one,
    you can’t miss. You’re shooting into a barrel
    of fish. You can close eyes, can nod or rock
    back your head, stare at the ceiling, whatever
    you need to still your mind into the necessary
    zero from which a flow can begin. Flanked
    close by grown men, it is
    often not so
    easy
  • Will Over Reflex: Prose & Poetry

    Belief:  A Primer

    At her First 
    Communion
    she whirled 
    her head
    around 

    and mouthed
    the words
    Does anyone 
    believe this

    as crumbs
    of blood
    tickled
    the ends
    of her lips

     

    The Gallery: Disappearing Acts

     

    I’m not sure how it began, but soon my tongue started falling out of my face.
    At first it tingled, I pulled it lightly, then it kept unraveling until there it was, 
    looped in a single pile on the ground, what looked like miles of tongue tape.
    Red rope or fire hose or skin. A sculpture of tastebuds. And I wasn’t bleeding. 
    Just stood there, mouth emptied, tongueless.

     

    What did it feel like?

     

    I don’t remember any feeling, stood numb dumb mute, mouth open and empty. 
    Watching. And then the other bodies faces gathered to watch. It was a real show. 
    The Tongue Gallery. That’s what they called it.

     

    What happened then?

     

    After the show, after the clinking of glasses and the murmur of watching, a man 
    stepped forward. He stood next to me, before the pile, and pulled a Swiss Army 
    knife from his front pocket with the flourish of a magician beginning his act. All 
    became quiet.

    Everything blacked out, everything but the man, the pile, the knife – visibly dull 
    from too much whittling of wood or gutting of trout or carving off skins. Slowly 
    he circled and began to unravel the pile until it lay flat across the room, one 
    continuous track of tongue.

    He sliced cross-sections, slicing quickly down the line.

    A woman in a white suit assisted the man with the knife, delicately holding a tray, expertly collecting each slice. Slices lay atop the tray, layered in pinwheels the deep pink of medium rare, not bloody but far from the taste of live tongues flapping; pink slices fanned across the tray with catered delight. She offered them up as a delicacy and a souvenir, a reminder of the show that had been so sweet.

     

    And then?

     

    Each guest took a cocktail napkin and a slice, sniffing their morsel, then risking a small bite. Chewier than I expected, but such flavor shared a woman in ruffles and gold hoops. Best to take the whole slice in your mouth at once advised another woman in silver taffeta and knee-high boots. When the tray arrived before my eyes, I paused. Not wanting to be rude, but knowing I must refuse my slice, I held right hand over stomach and shook my head side to side. Must’ve eaten something strange for lunch whispered taffeta into white suit’s ear. And the tray moved on through the crowd, offering up its pinwheels of tongue, fanned delicately into infinity.

     

    And then?

     

    Grasp onto limbs
    hold onto the present-tense of bodies 
    slough off past and future pains 
    breathe in this room of shared skins

    tonight we fall asleep in calm tides of this lullaby.
    But sooner rather than later, we will awaken to a loud 
    cloud of smoke and tears, a towering pile
    of the nothing left behind.

     

    Seeing Them for the First Time 
    (For Cherie)

     

    i. 1989

    I took the day off
    from earth science
    and algebra and clay
    to drive over the
    George Washington Bridge
    and cry with people I didn’t know and some I did.
    We looked inside the casket thick red carpets muting
    a roomful of swallows and gulps the corners alive with whispers.

    Cousins twenty years older 
    are myths, a stolen whiff of 
    what you might someday be. 
    They kiss and drive
    and die before you, usually.

    He was young: electric eyes
    long lashes, a smile.
    My brother and I held
    each other saying nothing
    and later drove home across the river 
    in a quiet I can still hear 
    remembering Eddie.

     

    ii. 1963

    You know the sound 
    someone makes
    when they feel pain? 
    That’s what it sounded like 
    at my Cousin Joanne’s 
    open casket funeral
    as they lowered her into 
    wet Wisconsin ground.

    Everyone said we could be twins. 
    That afternoon I climbed 
    upstairs to her room
    and while I was running my
    hand over her hairbrush
    her sister walked past
    and screamed But you’re dead! 
    That day I was her ghost.

    Their house was on a farm
    at the top of a valley, their well 
    downhill from the pigpen.
    To make a long story short:
    as it flowed down, they drank
    the shit and she got cancer from it. 
    Dirty water gets you every time.

     

    iii. Outside Time: A Dream

     

    There were toilets on every floor. 
    Each overflowing, though not 
    how you’d expect.

    Each overflowing with 
    hard-boiled eggs.

    We worried but how to make it 
    stop? and when the worrying 
    became exhausting we stopped 
    and ate and dreamt and ate. 

     

    The Swallower’s Art

    The Sword Swallowers Association International – codename SSAI –
    is a non-profit organization home to a hundred or more amateur and pro 
    swallowers world round.

    Swallowers must learn the art of taming their gag reflex, a spasm of muscles 
    where throat meets esophagus: the esophageal sphincter, if you must know. 
    When you think about all the pills and spills we’re expected to swallow,
    our gag reflex is a throwback to another time and place and Life on Earth. 
    What began thousands of years ago as an act of divinity morphed into a bawdy 
    entertainment, then condemned as dark art in dark times of Inquisiting minds, 
    resurrected with circus sideshows carnival tents World’s Fair Coney Island 
    spectaculars by the shore.

    Swallowers train for years: the triumph of body over nature, will over reflex. 
    They begin with small household objects, spoons and knitting needles, before 
    moving onto wire hangers and knives. Then the solid steel swords begin,
    at least half-an-inch wide, fifteen inches long to pass snuff with the SSAI. 
    An oft-cited affliction of even the most skilled swallowers – other than death by 
    impaled aorta or burst stomach – is affectionately called “sword throat.”

    All fun and games until your left lung explodes from a 16-inch steel rod.

    Most celebrated swallowers are middle-aged men once-upon-a-time boys 
    catapulted into lifetimes on a late-night dare. Never as simple as: one day
    I stuck the blade in. For the burgeoning performer, there’s a first audience, 
    the clinch moment – to walk or stay, intoxicated by this little death so near.

    It all begins with that first swallow, the plunge.

  • Variations on the Topic of Eros

    Variations on the Topic of Eros

    Spring Cleaning

    Now that you are not here, I don’t know what to do

    with everything that was once yours. I start with the objects:

    the photographs, the notebook, the book

    that weighs just as much as you weighed

    when you’d hang on my arm.

    The clothes: your trousers,

    the shirt that you gave me and is now the memory

    of absence. I continue: the thoughts that build up

    in the most remote corners of the body:

    glop after glop after glop of desire,

    nauseating like syrup.  

    And the devotion that I learned to feel,

    the offering from your palm to my lips: what should I do now

    with the room in my gut dedicated to worship. Finally, the memories:

    inside a box inside my head, within the doubt

    inside the silence, within oblivion, in the tide

    that moves you closer and away,

    closer and away. I will find a spot where I’ll place you,

    a spot where you’ll sleep ‘til I can

    see your face without parting the seas and diving

    into the buried soul. Memories are not memories

    if they cannot be accessed.

    I will get rid of you as a snake does:

    shed my skin and forget it in the underbrush. And every

    single thing that used to be yours will stay there, rotting in the leaves

    of a neverending fall.

     

    Today, walking along with Núria

    Today, walking along with Núria,

    we saw clouds with pink wombs,

    pregnant with virtue. And I thought of you,

    and your body, and myself.

    I wonder if you know. If you know

    that yesterday you opened up my pink womb and

    spilt what I carried inside.

    I wonder if you know that, when my body vibrated

    and you trembled and panted,

    you were slowly pulling out my desire from inside,

    like a magic trick.

    And I wanted my hands

    to sink into your back, like roots;

    and I wanted to make you wish you could melt.

    I don’t know if you know you are first, but last night

    we loved twice and each time our skins met

    I hoped I’d be killed from the pleasure.

    If the world had dissolved,

    if the bed had flooded or someone

    had come into the room, we would have kept going,

    our bellies linked as if it was wrong to separate them,

    pink flowing and staining the sheets.

    I wonder if you know all of this,

    or if you’d like to see me again.

     

    Womb

    My body is all I have: the only truth.

    I don’t have thoughts, or feelings,

    or wishes, or reasons: I just have my body

    which is the earth where you can plant

    your orchard. I am the literal body,

    the weight of the organs inside of me,

    under the skin. Ask me who I am and I’ll say:

    if you were to open my side with a spear,

    only blood would come out. The fruit of the earth

    is my body, and the fruit of my body

    is my surrender: bite

    the apple – it’s sour

    just like you like it.

    Two Rushes

    Near the shore,

    savouring you: fruit

    of dark skin, viscous.

    Run your hand through my hair,

    for I’m yours and I get rid of my spirit

    to become just a body

    glazed in saltpeter,

    stuck to the burning

    sand. Listen to the waves

    crashing over me.

    Just like two rushes from a nearby reed,

    we bend our pleasure to the beat of our joy.

     

    Variations on the Topic of Eros

    To love you like the bird that grows from my groin:

    to fall into your arms, intoxicated, wounded by the beak

    and the feathers. Even better:

    to bloom over you like a fire,

    to turn into fruit, into seed; to tear up desire

    and wear it as a cape.

    I make your body my plentiful field,

    and in the evenings I sit on the plot and I taste

    its sweet fruit. You’re skilled on the land

    and fertile in bed.

     

    Post-coital

    After making love I pick up a towel and wipe

    your skin. You get my t-shirt

    from under your back and hand it to me saying here you go

    and I secretly think to myself:

    oh, how I wish this was everything there was to life,

    your giving me my clothes, extending your hand toward me

    with a gentle gesture, corporeal and true,

    and I could say again and again

    gràcies, t’estimo and kiss your forehead.

    Slowly, reality changes:

    whatever was hidden suddenly returns from the depths

    and stands in front of us, apparent like a mountain,

    as if desire had eclipsed all of the objects,

    the thoughts, the truths, and now they came

    crawling back, became visible again.

    And, maybe because you’re near, I think about destiny,

    just like near death

    even atheists think about God.

    I think about how this moment,  

    your soft sex so close,

    weaves into tomorrow inexplicably,

    a puzzle from nature which, with luck,

    we won’t ever need to solve.

     

    Revenge

    This poem is my revenge:

    a caricature of who you were

    on top of the image of who you are. Like a kid who, about fire,

    only remembers how painful the burn,

    so shall I only remember you

    by the sharp edges

    of these lines on white paper.